Hello Coffee, I just read this and went straight back to read the first chapter to get some context.
I really like your story, it's refreshingly original!
First of all, I'll list a few places where you could improve:
1. You don't need to put dialogue and the speaker in different paragraphs.
So, instead of...
"Would you like some milk, Kali?"
Asked Nala
Write:
"Would you like some milk, Kali?" asked Nala.
This is more standard and makes it easier for the reader to know who said
what.
If you ever are unsure about how to structure your dialogue properly (it is
quite hard to get your head around), all you have to do is open any novel, find
a scene with dialogue, and see how the author has written it. Hope that helps.
2. Also, you don't need to make a new paragraph for every sentence. So instead
of writing...
Nala reached into her pocket, pulled out a note, and handed it to the bus
driver.
He read it and handed it back to her
Write:
Nala reached into her pocket, pulled out a note, and handed it to the bus
driver. He read it and handed it back to her.
3. Remember to use full stops (periods)! These have been left out in several
places in your story, such as in the example above. and make it tricky to read
at times. If you struggle to remember to do this, go through your story
carefully after writing and insert full stops where they are needed.
4. Commas! Very important, but very easy to neglect. You have left out quite a
few in your story.
So instead of...
Once the bus got to the stop Nala and Kali got off and went inside one of the
stores.
Write:
Once the bus got to the stop, Nala and Kali got off and went inside one of the
stores.
This is more subjective than using full stops, though. It can help to read your
story out loud, feel the flow, and listen for spots in the writing where a pause
feels natural, and insert a comma there.
5. A few spelling mistakes. At some point you spell "Kali" as "ali", and "meet" as
"might" (or was that supposed to indicate an accent?), so just look out for
those.
6. Lastly, in the first part of the story, Nala calls her husband Henry, but in the
second part she calls him Andrew. Is this an inconsistency, or is Nala hiding
something?
Good, those are over. Now let's get down to what I liked about your story...
1. The title Endless Dream has a lot of mystery around it. Is Kali in a dream, or
is she chasing a dream, or has she finally found her dream life with Nala? It
raises a lot of questions.
2. The setting is well chosen. I love historical fiction set in the industrial age!
3. I love that dialogue, and not necessarily long descriptions of the characters'
actions, carries the story. I cannot remember the last time I read a story like
this. It's a great idea, because it gives the story a good pace, and lets the
characters' personalities speak through their own voices (you have done this
very skillfully). Some might disagree, but I really enjoy your writing style!
4. You begin in the middle of the action, and leave a lot of questions
unanswered. How did Nala meet her husband? How did they fall in love?
Where does Kali come from? This is good, as it makes the reader (that is,
me) long to quench their curiosity by reading on.
5. The story idea is refreshingly original. A clandestine, mixed race couple in the
mid-nineteenth century... is bound to create conflict.
6. The characters are interesting. Nala is so sweet, and you do a good job
letting her personality shine. Kali is strongminded (at least that's how I saw
it), and yet so mysterious.
7. The cliffhanger at the end caught me off surprise. Continue the story!
Anyway, thank you for writing this, it was fun to review.
Keep on writing!
Points: 623
Reviews: 3
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