Kafka here, as requested.
I was going to do an overall review on this, but I noticed some nitpicks others hadn't mentioned that I thought might be worth pointing out. So. Depending on how many I end up finding, I may or may not include an umbrella critique at the end.
BehindtheMask wrote:To my Beloved, #FF0000 ">Perhaps it would be best to omit the "to." Unneeded prepositions tend to do little but clutter an idea, especially so early in a piece.
Remember the old days by the creek bed #FF0000 ">This first clause doesn't sit well with me. Nothing grammatical, of course, but simply its flow, which sounds to me somewhat halted, is off: the two consecutive monosyllabic adjective-noun pairs are at the heart of the problem, it seems. Play around with this a bit. , when we would splash in the water and slosh through the mud #FF0000 ">Again. All I'm hearing are jilted, unnatural phrases that the reader can only guess are supposed to spur a sense of nostalgia. , desperately #FF0000 ">Erm, "desperately?" Why would you be "desperate?" looking for toads and salamanders #FF0000 ">Doesn't exactly support the lovey-dovey atmosphere that one would think be imperative for a love letter. ? I do #FF0000 ">Meh. Cliched. . And then there was that one time when my mom had me dressed up for Easter, and you coaxed me into a game of hide-and-seek with those charming eyes of yours. I had dirt all down the front of my dress. #FF0000 ">When you started? Or when you ended? Do you remember? #FF0000 ">My mother looked like she wanted to murder us.Unnecessary. The reader doesn't need to know this. #FF0000 ">But it didn’t matter much to me: after all, I despised that dress.
#FF0000 ">I'd really cut down on this paragraph. Though it helps establish a feeling of gradually developed love, all of the presented ideas are completely irrelevant to the actual story. Also, a lot of its emotion is mitigated by how manifold the images you flash at me are.
Then there was my thirteenth birthday. You came knocking at my door first thing in the morning with a bouquet of roses and a wide smile on your face #FF0000 ">Wouldn't he be more embarrassed than happy? As a thirteen-year-old boy, I know I would be. This is the first instance where romance is put into play in their relationship, and being the one to instigate it would be nerve-wracking. . Now I think about then #FF0000 ">This is laughable. Seriously. "Now I think about then?" Sorry, but it doesn't get any more confusing than that. and laugh when I recall your bewildered expression when I kissed you on the cheek#FF0000 ">, but you tried to hide that you’d puckered your lips. That day holds a special place in my mind #FF0000 ">Erm, please lay off the third grade sentimentality. , simply because I knew I had you. Which is why writing this letter pains me so.
When you asked me to prom and I told you I needed to think about it, I lied. I knew the second you asked me what my answer would be #FF0000 ">Too early for this. The reader doesn't quite know at this point. . In a cruel way, I wanted you to think I might have said no. I suppose it’s just one of those uncontrollable, horrible traits in a person. #FF0000 ">But why? Why do you find including this so necessary? There is no purpose to it, as far as I can see. I would think that she, in her apparently unshakable love for the boy, would be simply euphoric about being asked to the prom by him, but this? She even admitted that it was cruel. And when I finally let you kiss me that night after #FF0000 ">"That night after" sounds odd. Try playing around with that phrase. - almost a decade of waiting- it was the most magical moment #FF0000 ">Please. No alliterations. of my life.
But my love, there’s more to our story than I’ve told you. Shortly after prom night, when I disappeared for three #FF0000 ">days- do you remember? I #FF0000 ">said totold you that I’d just been camping, on a trip with my family #FF0000 ">What about the narrator's family? You'd think they'd notice, too, if their daughter suddenly disappeared or skipped school for three days, no? . But there is something you and everyone else seemed to overlook #FF0000 ">You're killing the affection you established early on. Throw in some references to how much the narrator loves the boy here and there, just to keep the reader convinced. . The weekend I was gone was the same #FF0000 ">timeweekend your brother, Maxwell, had gone missing. I came back to you, panicking, but I attempted to #FF0000 ">seemappear calm #FF0000 ">Can't picture this. Rework it so that I can. . Here #FF0000 ">Here? Do you mean now? Because obviously they're not going to be in the same place at the time this is read. , six months later, it is time for you to know the truth.
I murdered Maxwell.
#FF0000 ">Impossible, don’t you think? Yet incredibly believable.You slaughter this opening line so badly that cutting it out would be the best option in this case. He came to me on that Friday night, looking for consolation #FF0000 ">About...what? Don't leave me in the dark. . He#FF0000 ">’dLet's not switch between tenses. #FF0000 ">not tolddidn't tell me the reason, only that I was the only one he knew to come to #FF0000 ">His brother's girlfriend? I'm sorry, but this is completely unbelievable. It makes about zero sense. Redo this entirely, come up with a reason that actually works, or let this part of your story remain nothing but linguistic roadkill. . He begged me for comfort #FF0000 ">Not the right word. . And so. . .I gave it to him. #FF0000 ">Again, the word "comfort" makes this sound utterly strange. And I wouldn't say what they did could be described as "giving someone comfort."
The next morning when I awoke, realizing the entirety #FF0000 ">Most definitely not the right word. "Entirety" does not necessarily imply contrition. of my actions, I couldn’t live with the emotions swirling through me #FF0000 ">This doesn't work. Not sure "through" is quite what you want here. . I knew every time we’d be in the same room with him it #FF0000 ">Too many pronouns. As you probably know, pronuns won't do anyone any justice if they're not remotely close to a reference point. would only have uncomfortable silences and knowing glances #FF0000 ">Again, the wording of this alienates me. . And I knew eventually you’d realize the truth of what we’d done together.
I could not let him ruin what we had together- no, of course not! I’d finally had you all to myself #FF0000 ">Uh, you always did. Unless you're having a sudden spurt of paranoia and/or memory loss and conveniently/suddenly forgot the contents of the first paragraph. with no girls swooning all over you. Yet#FF0000 ">, ironically,it seems it was me you’d wanted all along. . .wasn’t it? #FF0000 ">This paragraph fails simply because of all the contradictions you're making. First you imply that you'd been with the boy for a long time - no issue there - but right after that the narrator says that she'd waited for some large, undefined amount of time to "have him all to herself." Right there, the incongruousness is distinctly apparent. But you don't stop there. You actually express some confusion at the end, regarding the relationship - which not only contradicts the purpose of this short paragraph, but also the entire piece. Problem? You bet.
Nevertheless, I’d loved you. And I knew deep #FF0000 ">down in the contours of my heart that once you knew the truth you could never forgive me for the deception I’d caused you #FF0000 ">She didn't cause the deception - she was the instigator of the deception, the puppeteer of the deception. Also, this sentence seems to drag on a bit too long. . #FF0000 ">I’d betrayed you!Yeah. We get that. After all those years of you being so kind to me, loving me, in spite of me being the disgusting monster I am. #FF0000 ">Again, clashes with the last paragraph...but I've already been over that.
So I eliminated the problem the only way I knew how. I had to kill Maxwell, otherwise he would have ruined me #FF0000 ">Seems like you're ruined anyway (I read ahead). . I’d forever be marked down as a revolting slut in every sense of the word imaginable. #FF0000 ">Um, I was under the impression that no one knew of that incident. Of course, they'd learn sooner or later, what with the pregnancy and all...but you also imply that they would know who she...did it...with, and this is, I assume, an incorrect assumption.
#FF0000 ">(space here)
Maxwell was a heavy #FF0000 ">sleeper. #FF0000 ">(Don't think the semicolon is necessary here.) #FF0000 ">It was simple to bash in his skull with one of my father’s work hammers. I acted quickly, not giving him enough time to utter a sound before his life came to a gruesome end. #FF0000 ">You don't really have to elaborate. He died. I think I get it.
Yet, as I recall my life and our life together, I do not have any regrets #FF0000 ">Erm, none? I find this difficult to believe. I'm willing to accept an overstatement, but this doesn't quite work for me. . Yes, Maxwell is dead, and once you know this #FF0000 ">"Once you know this" implies that the boy doesn't know this yet, which, as we both know, is not true; to the contrary, you've planted it quite well. it will be impossible for you to forgive me. Which is exactly why, my love, I would never ask for your forgiveness#FF0000 ">to a demon such as I. For a demon is what defines me.
No, I will not apologize #FF0000 ">This could be taken the wrong way. You probably took this into account, but you may want to be careful. . I will not accept any reconciliation. I do not deserve it.
Once you receive this letter, dear, I know you will hate me #FF0000 ">Instantly? No. This is where this statement is faulty: it's when he gets about halfway through that he'll begin to supposedly hate you. . I could never imagine a world without your arms wrapped around me; for our shadows merge as one when we’re together and it is nearly unmanageable #FF0000 ">Once again, this word is not suitable for this context. to tell it is two #FF0000 ">Huh? Wording is very strange here. Reworkage is clearly imperative. .
I can’t live in a world without #FF0000 ">you. I won’t live #FF0000 ">without you, not in a world where you loathe me. By the time you #FF0000 ">learn ofreceive this note #FF0000 ">It's more of a letter than a note. , I will be as gone as Maxwell is. I owe at least this to you#FF0000 ">.it is the only way I can think of to rid you of your pain.
#FF0000 ">(space here)
So, my love, accept my final goodbye.
Yours forever.
Ah, that turned out to be a bit longer than I'd been expecting - so I suppose an overall review will have to be omitted. I hope I did not come across as overly harsh, and that I at least gave you enough things to keep you busy for a while. PM me with any questions or comments specific to the review or this piece, and keep writing.
-Kafka
Points: 21355
Reviews: 504
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