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Young Writers Society



Capture the Night

by Ave38


Chapter One

Star-Gazing

“What do you think is out there?” Beige asked. We’re lying on the floor of the observatory in Catchen Park, staring up at the stars. They twinkle in the distance, mocking me. You’ll never get us, they say. I sigh.

“I’ll bet they have brand new civilizations, with technology we can’t even understand, let alone think of.” I responded.

“Really? I’ll bet they have so many new colors out there. I’ll bet everyone can be exactly who they are, with no fear.” He laughs. Beige is an artist. Or, he wants to be. Mom doesn’t think that’s a very good profession. She thinks he should be a prince. To be honest, that’s what she thought about all of us. Yes, Daniella Van Hofken the Fifth has very high expectations for us.

In reality, we shouldn’t even be out here. I had convinced Beige to climb out of the castle with me and have an adventure.

“Do you think Mom has noticed we’re missing?” I asked. Beige stiffens, grabbing his sweater.

“We should probably go back.” Beige may be my favorite sibling, and my twin brother, but sometimes he really doesn’t know how to have fun. 

Beige looks worried, sitting in his paint-covered sweater that I’m pretty sure used to be green, but has so many colors on it it’s just turned into an ugly beige color. Hence the name Beige. His blonde hair is just long enough to fall into his eyes, but not quite long enough to draw much attention. That’s just how he likes it.

That’s Beige for you. A small, unimposing figure, his head in the clouds constantly dreaming new universes. All in all, not a good fit for his real name, Julian Van Hofken the third.

“Aw, come on Beige, she won’t notice.”

“What if she does though? We’re already on thin ice with the stunt you pulled last week.” I cringe.  I had stolen a car last week, even though I can’t drive and am well under the legal age. I just wanted to know what it felt like! I tried making this case to Mom, but she didn’t believe me. Mom was going to confine me to my room for the next week, but Beige came in, and told her he had dared me to do it.

Now we’re both in trouble, but it’s better being in trouble together. I know it’s hard on him though. He doesn’t have my same disregard for authority. I decide to cut him some slack. He does look really nervous, and who knows who might be peeping into our rooms in the middle of the night?

“You’re probably right.” Beige gives a sigh of relief.

“Thanks Cat.” We silently stand up and go back out, me taking the lead. That’s just how our friendship works. I take the lead, and Beige makes sure I don’t get into too much trouble.

I creep silently across the hard floor towards the window we came in through. I stick my foot out the window and slowly lower myself down, waiting for Beige to get down too.

Beige drops down, landing a little harder than I did. I help him to his feet and we run off silently, heading back to Callais Palace.

The sun is just starting to rise, lightening the sky to a gray, as we enter through the rusty part in the gates. I have to grab Beige so he doesn’t get distracted by it. I found this spot when I was eight, after the triplets ganged up on me. Ross, Jake, and Pat can be real nasty when they catch you off guard. They’re all one year older than me, and as such, Mom likes them better. Jake is her favorite out of the three though.

He was named after one of the patrons of this family, Janus. (You know your family’s bad when one of your patrons is literally the two faced god.) And he’s pretty much perfect. Not as perfect as Eliot, my third oldest sibling and my second oldest brother, but still pretty far up there.

We trot across a side bridge of the moat. It was installed a few years ago, since there’s pretty much no use for a moat anymore, but it’s a ‘historical hotspot’, which is what Mom says when it’s too expensive to take something out.

“All clear,” I whisper to Beige. We take off across the walkway, into the kitchens. The cooks are usually pretty nice, and don’t mention it to Mom and Dad if you put in a good word for them. I open the door, and Beige enters in quietly, me right behind him.

“See? Nobody even knew we were gone,” I say. Then something strikes me as wrong.

“Really? Nobody knew you were gone?” A voice says. I slowly close my eyes. Footsteps approach.

“That seems a little off, doesn’t it Nicki? I could swear we saw them sneaking out, about four hours ago?” Imp says. Turns out I was wrong. Imp is the trouble-maker of the family. Nobody can trace anything back to her though, because if she’s anything, she’s smart. You definitely don’t want to owe her something. I’ve learned that the hard way. Her twin brother, Nicki, is her partner in crime, and serves as the brawn to her brains, although his intellect is nothing to sneeze at.

“Hey guys,” Beige whispers, “Please don’t tell Mom.” I internally face-palm. Never let them set the bargaining stage. This is going to go poorly. As evidence, Nicki laughs.

“Really? And what’s in it for us?”

“Helping your siblings?” I smile as convincingly as I can. Then Imp laughs.

“It’s a dog eat dog world, Cat. You know that. Mom would be very happy if we told her what you two were doing, especially as you’re grounded.” I hear Beige gulp behind me. This is a very sticky situation.

“Although… There is something you could do for us.” Nicki continues.

“What’s that?” Beige asks. Imp sighs.

“I’m still on pretty thin ice, just like you, after the… incident that happened last week.” I remember that. The servants are still trying to wash the blood out of the carpets. “But I really need to go to the Gemini Markets.” Beige laughs.

“You want us to go to Gemini Markets!” He asks incredulously. Imp nods.

“I need more Zadge powder, for reasons.” I gulp. Doing this would only prolong the trouble.

“We’ll do it.” Beige quickly agrees. I turn on him.

“Seriously Beige? Next time Imp pulls something with that powder, she just has to point out that we sourced it!” Beige shrinks down.

“Mom will probably be a little more lenient if we’re not grounded.” I consider this. Nicki laughs.

“Well, I don’t really care now. You already agreed.” He cracks his knuckles menacingly. Beige gulps.

“Have it to me by the end of the week.” Imp says. I nod, doing my best not to show my fear.

“Makes sense.” I say coolly. Imp checks her watch.

“Now, if I’m not wrong, Ice will be up in about fifteen minutes. You better run along.” Nicki nods. They turn back, and exit the door to Sapphire Tower. Another ordinary day in the Hofken Dynasty. I grab Beige’s arm and pull him into a run.

“Come on! This is going to be hard to make it.” Mom says our rooms are picked randomly, but she’s lying. She organizes them based on how much she likes us. Eliot, Bryce, Dani, and Jake all have a room in Amethyst Tower, Imp, Nicki, Ross, and Pat have rooms in Sapphire Tower, and me, Beige, Ice, and Gertie all have rooms in Jade Tower. I’ll let you guess which one is her least favorite.

Jade Tower is the farthest from the kitchen, and is the coldest in the winter. It’s another ‘historical hotspot’. It’s pretty fun to live in though. After all, Beige is my best friend, and he lives right below me, and Gertie is my second favorite sibling, mainly because she’s six and hasn’t been poisoned by the world yet, lives on floor one. The worst is Isabella, Ice, on the top floor. She’s exactly like her name sounds.

Ice is a willing outcast from the family. At twenty-two, she’s trying to launch her own business to get out of here. She announced that she didn’t want to be a royal when she was sixteen, and subsequently moved there a few weeks later. All business and no fun, she’s like the feminine version of Eliot.

We dash along the west hallway, and up the staircase that spirals around the tower, also known as Breakneck Hill. (Don’t ask why) I can hear Ice stirring in her room. We finally made it up to Beige’s room and stopped.

“I really don’t want to go to Gemini Markets.” He says nervously. I swallow. The markets are a collection of vendors, and the crime hotspot of the country. But I do still feel guilty about last week.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it.” I say confidently. Commoners do it everyday, I can do it once. Besides, I've been before and I was fine then. Beige looks doubtful.

“Are you sure?” I nod confidently.

“Of course. It’ll be an easy in and out trip. You just have to distract everyone else.” He nods.

“Thanks Cat. Try not to get into too much trouble.” I wink.

“I’ll be a regular Girl Scout.” I hear Ice’s door creak open below, and wave bye to him. I slowly creep up the stairs, trying not to worry about it too much. After all, how much trouble can one little exscursion be?

Of course, if I had known then what I know now, I would have run screaming in the other direction. This was going to get me in so much trouble, I would still be lugging it around to my grave.


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Fri Dec 04, 2020 3:25 am
Riverlight wrote a review...



Hey there, @Ave38! I'm Vilnius, here to review your work.

Likes
You've got a lot of suspense and a really good pace here! I like your characters already, and I can't wait to learn more about this world of yours.


Dislikes
So, immediately, I notice that in your first sentence, you begin flip-flopping between the past and present tenses with your use of both "asked" and "we're." It's always good to have a friend look over your works to see if they notice this before you do.

I feel like this chapter lacks detail, but not to worry-- I do this, too! It could be that you've done this on purpose so as to see what others think about this issue, and I don't blame you if that is the course you've taken-- I've done it, too.

Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!




Ave38 says...


Thanks for the review!



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Tue Oct 27, 2020 2:19 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey there Ave! I'm Icy, here to do a quick review for you on this wet and windy Tuesday :)

“What do you think is out there?” Beige asked. We’re lying on the floor of the observatory in Catchen Park, staring up at the stars.

Watch out with your tenses here. Asked is past tense, but lying is present. You've done this a few more times throughout, especially with speech. Make sure to stick to one tense (unless there's a really clear reason for switching).

You’ll never get us, they say.

I think this would work better in italics to show that it's separate from the rest of the paragraph.

Beige looks worried, sitting in his paint-covered sweater that I’m pretty sure used to be green, but has so many colors on it it’s just turned into an ugly beige color. Hence the name Beige. His blonde hair is just long enough to fall into his eyes, but not quite long enough to draw much attention. That’s just how he likes it.

I really like this description of him, it works really well at establishing him as a character.

Mom was going to confine me to my room for the next week, but Beige came in, and told her he had dared me to do it.

Oh he's the cutest!

Ross, Jake, and Pat can be real nasty when they catch you off guard. They’re all one year older than me, and as such, Mom likes them better. Jake is her favorite out of the three though.

Wow that's a lot of siblings and all in one go... poor mom! Interesting that you say she likes them all better because they're older. From experience it's often the babies of the family that are liked more. I wonder if this is just how Cat feels or whether there's evidence of this.
I'm also not sure you need to specify that Jake is her favourite at this point, especially as we haven't met him yet. It doesn't really mean anything to the reader at this point.

And he’s pretty much perfect. Not as perfect as Eliot, my third oldest sibling and my second oldest brother, but still pretty far up there.

This is already quite a few names to keep track of so may start to get a bit confusing for the reader.

“That seems a little off, doesn’t it Nicki? I could swear we saw them sneaking out, about four hours ago?” Imp says. Turns out I was wrong. Imp is the trouble-maker of the family. Nobody can trace anything back to her though, because if she’s anything, she’s smart. You definitely don’t want to owe her something. I’ve learned that the hard way. Her twin brother, Nicki, is her partner in crime, and serves as the brawn to her brains, although his intellect is nothing to sneeze at.

Ok, definitely a few too many characters for chapter one. I'm also assuming there's a reason that they are all triplets and twins? Otherwise this seems very strange!

After all, Beige is my best friend, and he lives right below me, and Gertie is my second favorite sibling, mainly because she’s six and hasn’t been poisoned by the world yet, lives on floor one.

This is a run on sentence and doesn't quite make sense so I'd split into two shorter ones.

Overall I really enjoyed your narrative voice and I think you set a good pace at the start. For me though, you mentioned a few too many characters straight off. Perhaps you could allude to there being lots of them and that Cat isn't the favourite but perhaps hold off on naming the others (except Nicki and Imp who of course appear) until a little later on. Then it's easier for the reader to keep up.

That's all from me though. I look forward to seeing where you take this!

Icy




Ave38 says...


Thanks for the review! I'll get started changing these!



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Sat Oct 24, 2020 6:19 pm
GirlOfTheNorth wrote a review...



My goodness, so much suspense. I really liked it, and I can't wait to see if/when you post another chapter. Is this set on earth/in modern times? Or is it a completely different world? Either way, I was intrigued by the bits of the world that I could see.
I loved the tone when Imp came out of the shadows. My heart dropped. Excited to see the consequences of the deal!
You might want to consider having a few longer sentences in it. Most of the sentences are a little short and they seem a tad repetitive.
Anyway, hope you keep writing/developing this story/novel!




Ave38 says...


Thank you so much for the review! This is pretty similar to earth, but does take place in another world.




I was weeping as much for him as her; we do sometimes pity creatures that have none of the feeling either for themselves or others.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights