Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This is a really interesting world that you've got right here. There appears to be a pretty decent amount of depth to it even in this more brief section here and it really does seem very intriguing to explore all of these various abilities and connections everyone seems to share. The characters are also really quite interesting. The only thing holding this back a little is the paragraphing really not quite being up to scratch and a lot of places having a lot more information crammed into it than you'd ideally like.
Anyway let's get right to it,
I looked down at the dark red envelope in my hand, scanning its contents for the information I needed. My sharp eyes quickly found it, and made sure that I was still walking in a straight line without tripping. There it was.
A dingy-looking apartment building that had broken windows and scuffed up walls. I frowned, this was a really weird place for a school. Several other kids lounged outside the door, seemingly waiting for something, or someone. I walked up silently, noticing how one of them jumped as they saw me.
Were they really that scared of vampires? The same person backed up slightly, but was still chatting as loudly as before. So yes, yes they were. I popped my earbuds in and leaned against the wall, ignoring the sharp pain that flared in my throat. Music filled my ears, and I soon calmed down. I didn’t recognize the song and glanced down at my phone screen. Strangely there was no song title, or artist listed.
Hmmm well this is quite the little introduction here to start us off. I love the way that it manages to capture the scene itself and set that tone and then proceeds to also let us know fairly subtly that our main character is potentially a vampire here. That's a lovely start to proceedings. Let's see where we're going with this one.
The edges of my mouth turned down, and I quickly skipped through the songs until I recognized one, ‘Starlit by The Blood Brothers.’ It was one of my favorite bands, an all vampire band. I relaxed again, closing my eyes and waiting. I was so absorbed by the music, I didn’t notice them approaching until they were standing right in front of me, which was weird because I had VERY good hearing, even for a vampire. They had short reddish-brown hair and dark brown eyes.
“Hello.” they said brightly, ignoring the fact that I was staring at anything BUT her. I saw a glimmer of a frown whisk across her face before disappearing.. I turned my head slightly to face her,
“Hi…” I repeated unwillingly. Her eyes gleamed brightly before going back to normal and I realized that her scent was slightly off. She wasn’t human, or she was, but not completely.
Ooooh nice little misdirection there on the music. Things are slowly taking shape pretty well. Loving the introduction on the new character here. So far we're seeing a nice little gentle immersion into this world and I am loving it to be honest.
“I’m Aria.” she introduced, disturbing me from my thoughts.
“Patrick.” I replied. I could see the gears in her head ticking as she tried to figure out which element I possessed. She was obviously Air, but there were a few elements starting with ‘P’. Psychic, and poison, amongst others. Her brow wrinkled as she continued to try.
“What element are you?” Aria finally asked, giving up on trying.
“Poison.” I replied with a wry grin.
“Oh, nice, I work with Air.” she said, like it wasn’t obvious.
Well this gets more and more intriguing. Elements and vampires and non humans, and well to be honest I've never seen poison being used alongside air like that as an elemental thing or psychic for that matter so immediately that is making these very intriguing.
“I figured that out.” I replied. She turned red, glancing over her shoulder.
“Well, I better go back to my friends.” she muttered, jerking her head to a group that was eyeing me suspiciously.
“Okay.” I agreed easily, plugging my earbuds and leaning back against the wall, my eyes closed. I could hear her footsteps fade away as she turned around and walked back over to her friends. Their voices rose and fell in a dramatic fashion, just loud enough for me to hear.
“Dude! He’s obviously a vampire!” one complained,
“Why’d you go over there?” another added in a hostile tone. I heard no reply except for a faint sigh. Starlit finished on one long, mournful note that rang in my ears. A new song popped up, and I began to revise it on an app I had designed a few years ago. Well, with the help of a few friends. Soon a melody began to fill the earbuds, one of my own compositions this time.
Well we can at least confirm that Patrick is in fact a vampire with that one. And the fact that vampires certainly have quite the reputation. I'm really liking the way that we're being given all this information so far. It isn't exactly the world's most subtle way but it isn't also just randomly shoved at you. So I think its a nice little balance where we as readers easily know what's going on, but all the interaction make sense and don't seem unnecessarily directed towards us.
I didn’t have a name for it, but I assumed I would figure out something. I opened my eyes and glanced up. While I had been lost in my own little world, kids had filled the alleyway and were now crowding around, taking up all the space. I noticed I had my own little bubble of room, and grinned briefly. The stained, chipped, half-way broken door swung open and out stepped a semi tall woman with gray hair and twinkling brown eyes. “Hello young victim-I mean students,” Laughter filled the air. “I am Professor Yelyie. And I am here to welcome you to Kilrea Academy. Or K.A. for short. Follow me.” she announced, turning around and waltzing back into the small building. In fact it was so small I wouldn’t even have thought of it as a shed, less likely than an academy. Shaking my head, I waited until the alleyway was almost empty before following the rear of the group silently. I heard faint gasps of wonder and amazement. “Come on Benjamin!” I heard one annoyed voice say. I saw one of the boys in front of me scurried forward, stopping at the side of the person with the annoyed voice. They held a whispered debate, which sadly, I was too far to hear. Ignoring the slight pang I felt, which I oddly couldn’t place, then popped in my earbuds and listened to my music. Soon all the people in the doorway were gone and I could easily slip in without being overwhelmed by the urge to feed. Walking in, I soon caught the scent of something green and woody. A bright light shone in front of me, blinding a few of the people disappearing into it. A few girls hung back, chatting loudly. I breezed past them and through the light. My senses were overwhelmed and I couldn’t see, smell, or hear anything. Then everything cleared and I was flooded with relief. Taking a deep breath, I stepped forward into a well-lit courtyard ringed with dark green trees. Lamps shone brightly in gleaming windows, illuminating the eager faces peering out from them. A pair of girls were practicing in a green field, flames erupting from their palms. One of them burst into flames, their shouts of delight soaring through the air. A group of rowdy boys were running and leaping by a pond, the water sloshing around the rims. A wave rose up and splashed everyone, while the boys skipped away, laughing loudly. Shaking the water out of my hair, I walked forward, brushing past everyone. The heat from the sun soon dried me off, and while everyone else was talking in loud, excited voices I dropped to the back of the crowd and plugged my earbuds back in, which had luckily been saved from the water. I immediately calmed down and scanned my surroundings. Several brick buildings lined the edge of the courtyard, though when I looked closer, I saw that they were all connected. I sighed quietly as I headed towards the entrance.
Well that was certainly quite the display. I suppose we really don't have a clue exactly what any of that is supposed to mean just quite yet but I am so far enjoying the vibe that we've got going on. Patrick is certainly an interesting character and the world he is in appears to even more interesting.
I looked around at the school courtyard, the lush green grass, the large trees that provided tons of shade for students, and the large building that lay across the field. I walked over and sat under a tree, looking at the notes I had taken earlier as they sprawled across my lap. Straightening them up, I placed them carefully in a folder, which I then put in my satchel. A ding drew me away and I pulled out my phone, glancing at the newest message.
Mason: where r u?
Me: Under the tree.
Mason: Which tree?
Me: The one in front of the school,
as far away from everyone else
as I could get.
Mason: k
Me: Why?
Hmm okay a bit of a sudden switch in POV. We'll see exactly what that's trying to do. So far I think the ending part of the previous one felt final enough that the transition was fairly smooth. And the two new characters are instantly quite interesting to see here. They seem to have some nice distinct personalities going on here and immediately we can see a nice connection between the two and that's always a great starting point.
I glanced up and saw Mason walking towards me, Eric and Skye chatting a little bit behind him. Soon they came to a stop right next to me, sitting down and looking at me. “Why’d you come over here?” Skye asked as she sat next to Eric. I shrugged, “It’s quiet, or at least it was.” I said with an injured look at Mason who grinned guiltily and sat down next to Eric. We now formed an uneven circle. Eric pulled out a book and immediately shocked himself. He then carefully put the book back, smoothing down his now spiky hair. Skye snickered, before breaking off into a yawn. “When are we gonna go get dorms?” Eric said, nodding towards the buildings. Skye glanced at Mason, waiting for an answer. I also looked at him, and he shrugged, “Right now?” he said quizzically. Everybody nodded in agreement, standing up and glancing back at the crowd that stood around the massive wood and steel doors. We walked over and joined the crowd. I saw someone glance around at the back of the crowd, a safe distance away from everyone. But soon his form was lost as we got shoved and jostled until we were at the front. I stared up at the large doors before looking at the few teachers that stood at the front of the crowd. We made our way through and into the building as the teachers shouted at the students that were waiting for a tour. We made our way to the office as we got to our dorms. Eric, Mason, me and another dude, named Patrick all got a dorm together. Skye got placed in a dorm with three other girls and as she angrily stuffed her dorm number and key into her pocket, I snickered slightly. I almost felt bad since she had to go to a dorm with complete strangers but I didn’t show it. As me, Mason and Eric headed up to the dorms, Skye walked the other way to the girl’s dormitory. We talked about the teachers here and how scary they were, like how girl’s gossip about their crushes. I struggled to unlock the door when we made it to the third floor. Once we finally got it open I looked around the interior, breathing in the new smells. Eric glanced around, immediately taking one of the doors that branched off. There were only two and the pale-skinned boy had taken the other one, already disappearing inside. He had been wearing earbuds the whole time, so I don’t think he heard anything we had said. Mason looked at me and we both looked at the remaining room where we could see a glimpse of a bunk bed. “So, I guess we’re stuck together...” he said, shrugging and walking towards the door. I nodded and followed. When we got in, I swung myself up onto the top bunk and laid down, setting my bag down next to me. The bed sank slightly as Mason sat down, before going back to normal. I sighed as I sat back up, the mattress being hard and stiff. I jumped off of the top bunk, as if the ladder wasn’t there as I sat out in the makeshift living room. It was small and only contained a couch, coffee table and dining table in the corner. Frowning, I riffled through my bag and pulled out a few drawings I had done and hung them up. The small room already looked brighter so I walked out and peered into Eric’s room. Naturally, he had passed out on the bed and was now snoring quietly. I shook my head and walked silently back out, shutting the door quietly behind me. I looked at the last door, which was the other kids, and heard soft music coming from it. I debated on going in and eventually decided to, that way I could meet my other roommate, who I would be spending the rest of the year with. I slowly opened the door as he glanced over at me. “Um...hi?” he said, a confused look flickering across his face before disappearing. “Hi..” I said quietly. He pulled the earbuds out of his ear, and I could hear very faint music, which was unlike anything I’ve heard before. “I’m Patrick…” he said, glancing at me quizzically before turning off his phone. “Benjamin.” I said quickly, after realizing I had been staring for several seconds longer than needed. I stood around, leaning against the wall as I thought of something to start a conversation. Patrick looked at me, one eyebrow raised before he put back in his earbuds, turning on music as he sat at the desks that were provided with each room. He tapped his desk with his fingers to a tune that I couldn’t recognize as I shrugged and walked back into the living room. I was startled by Mason who was standing by the wall, looking at the drawings I had made and hung up. He glanced over at me, “Nice drawings,” he said in a flat tone before walking over as he sat on the couch, pulling out his phone. I leaned on the back of the couch as I watched him text Skye.
I'm not entirely sure if this is on purpose but that is one massive paragraph right there and I think it could dearly do with being split up a little. Its really quite tough to actually read the whole thing as it stands. The flow in there is surprisingly good given the lack of structure but it most definitely would benefit quite a bit from it.
That aside this is setting up a nice little rapport here with all of the characters that we've met so far. I do have to say it seems like quite a lot all at once in terms of the sheer number of characters to remember but they all do at least seem distinct enough from one another that it doesn't seem like a massive problem although it would probably be easier on the reader if the characters were introduced a tad bit more gradually.
Mason: How are your roomies?
Skye: Eh. I have met two of them,
Aria and Luna. Air element and life element.
I share a room with the 1st one.
Mason: sounds fun
Skye: They are WAY too energetic and
optimistic. It’s awful. Like SOS over here.
I am loving these text conversations. I would say they are a tiny bit more stilted than they ought to be. They seem natural enough but the worlds used are a little tiny bit more formal than you expect. But I do like them regardless. I think they pass well enough for a text conversation and they're doing wonders in terms of telling us about the personalities at play here.
Mason glanced up at me as he slid his phone into his pocket. His expression was completely and utterly blank and it kind of frightened me. It wasn’t like him. I bit my lip before going back to our room and sitting on the bunk, staring blankly at the wall. I shook my head and sighed as I stared at the ground. I got up, pulling my sketchbook out of my backpack as I walked back to the living room. I sat next to Mason as I got out a pencil and started sketching. Mason watched me sketch as I started the base of a dragon. The wings took shape, flaring out while claws dug into the ground. An invisible roar came from the dragon’s open mouth which exposed several rows of razor sharp teeth. Scales gleamed and the tail lashed while the sun glared behind it. I stopped drawing, the pencil hovering inches above the eyes which were right now blank orbs that stared up at me balefully. I began to erase, turning the eerie features into more kind and gentle features. The eyes became soft, glowing slightly, while the claws now held a book and a pencil. The wings were now tucked comfortably by the sides and the dragon sat, books lining the walls behind it. I picked up a few colored pencils and began to carefully add layers and shades of color. The mouth now curved into a bright smile, teeth bared in a friendly way. I finished, putting down my pencil and staring at the finished product. Mason tilted his head next to me, staring at the picture silently. “Looks good.” he said finally, grinning at me, though his eyes still had the slight blankness from earlier, scaring me slightly. He stood up and walked out of the dorm and into the corridor, disappearing out the doorway, leaving me alone with Patrick and Eric. Eric yawned as he walked out of his room, zapping one of the lamps and sending it ablaze. Suddenly the door swung open and Skye, along with two other girls, walked in. “Hey guys.” she grumbled, sitting on one of the couches and staring at us. “Who’s he?” she asked, pointing towards Patrick. I glanced up, not realizing he was there. “I’m Patrick.” he said, eyes flickering slightly before stopping. I realized his eyes were a dark red, which was strange and slightly unsettling…
Ooooh and we link right on nicely back to Patrick. I love that vibe. I think that way the two POV's mesh up very neatly and link back together sufficiently. I will say again this could benefit from being broken up a bit. Besides that though the meeting is lovely.
That's to say nothing of that description of drawing. That is really quite nicely done. You bring that to life incredibly well I'd say and it just visualizes that for us ever so nicely.
I glanced at the girl in front of me, trying to stop my eyes from flickering like they did occasionally. I think it worked judging that none of them looked at me strangely. I glanced down at my phone, scanning the screen which had several unread notifications. I clicked one, showing a text from my friend, Saja.
Saja: Patrick!? I have to tell you something!
Saja: Patrick?!?!?
Saja: ANSWER ME
Saja: Fine, be that way, meet me at the dining hall at 12 am.
Me: Sorry, I just saw your texts. See you later.
Oooh well that's a nice and spicy little text chain to get us started on this second leg with Patrick. Having yet more characters is a little much but I am loving the vibes once again of how these are being introduced. Despite the large number I find myself actually able to reasonably keep track of them thank to the so far fairly distinct personalities.
His last text had been 5 hours ago. Oops. I sighed and shut my phone off and slipped it into my pocket. I pulled my earbuds out and put them on my phone. I picked up a pencil and began to sketch absentmindedly on a piece of scratch paper I had, the pencil moving in rapid strokes. A few seconds later I blinked rapidly, looking down at the paper. It was a forest scene, and if you looked very carefully, you could see a tiny dragon curled amongst the leaves and for some reason it unnerved me. I folded the paper into a neat square and tucked it into my pocket. Then I walked out of the dorm, heading towards the hallway. I might as well explore while I was at it, this place had some sort of edge to it...something I couldn’t quite place… I looked at the hallway, and it seemed like it would be in an ancient castle. I turned a few corners, going through hallway to hallway as I made my way around the whole school. I put in my earbuds as I pulled out my phone to turn on music. I took one quick look at the time before I quickly headed to the dining hall, taking a few wrong turns on the way which only made me more late. It was already around 12:20 by the time I made it to the dining hall. Saja was standing, his back towards me as he eyed the other entrance impatiently. I grinned slightly, “Over here.” I called out, walking forward silently. Saja turned around quickly, “Finally!” he scowled, “You’re twenty minutes late! Come on!” he flitted out the entrance, disappearing around the corner. Now it was my turn to scowl. I chased after him, wondering what could possibly be so important that he would have to show me at this time at night? We slowly approached a dark hallway, away from the rest of the classes. I looked around uneasily at the eerie place as Saja came to a halt, around halfway through the hallway. Saja let out a sigh as he took one quick glance to make sure nobody was around. He locked his gaze on me, as he stood around for a minute. “What is it you needed to tell me this late?” I asked, almost annoyed but still intrigued. “I had to tell you that I think tha-” He started, before getting abruptly interrupted as a girl ran in, long light-blonde hair flicking in her face. She stopped only a few feet away as she panted.
Hmmm well I am still loving the way that you're bringing to us the details of this world, but I do have to say the character introductions are starting to really run a bit too high at this point. At least if this was all meant to be one big chapter. If each of these POV changes was its own chapter it could work provided there was a little bit more filler but at the moment its a bit of an overload. Not that its not realistic. If this is sort of a first day at school kind of affair, this is honestly quite realistic to be running into so many new people randomly, its just in a story its a tiny bit overwhelming to us readers.
I tried to catch my breath as I looked up at the two boys who looked at me weirdly. I ignored them as I sat on the ground, taking off the backpack that hung low on my side. I opened it as my small puppy, Teddy, jumped out. He looked around as he let out a high pitched bark. Both boys winced slightly. He jumped happily out of my bag as he started to chase his tail. I smiled before glancing back up at the two boys as I put the bag back on my back and stood up. They both had the same emotions. Hunger, pain, and annoyance. I stared at them, trying to place what element they could be. I could tell I had interrupted something and I pondered what they were talking about until I got distracted as Teddy ran around my feet, sniffing constantly. The boy with darker hair glanced around before pulling out a phone and putting on earbuds, effectively tuning me out. I looked at him, rolling my eyes slightly before glancing at the other boy. “What are you guys doing here?” I asked, reaching down to pick Teddy up. He looked at me, “That isn’t your business.” He talked in a detached tone as he stared at Teddy, refusing to make eye contact. “What are you doing here?” I looked around, scanning for any teachers before looking back at him, “They want to take Teddy.” I mumbled as he looked at me warily. His face showed slight confusion and I motioned towards the puppy who was still in my arms, “Teddy.” I said, introducing the dog to him. He nodded, “I’m Saja. And that is Patrick.” He motioned towards the other boy who slowly pulled out one earbud as he heard his name. “I’m Claire,” I said, setting Teddy on the ground again. I tried to place their elements again, this time with more hints since I knew the first letter. “Poison.” Patrick said, carefully putting his stuff back in his pockets as he glanced at my expression. Saja nodded slightly, “And I’m a sound element.” I smiled a little as they became less annoyed, “I’m a compassion elementalist.” Patrick glanced around before locking his gaze on me, “Doesn’t that mean you can tell people’s emotions?” He asked as I nodded eagerly. His emotions suddenly squashed down and disappeared into a pure-white void of blankness. “Okay.” he said, glancing at Saja. “Well. Nice meeting you Claire, but we better go.” Saja finally said, taking a few short steps backwards. I shrugged, “Okay.. see you guys around.” I said under my breath as they slowly walked away. I picked up Teddy, setting him gingerly into my bag as I grabbed the bag and took a peek around the corner before carefully making my way to my dorm. I walked through halls and up a few cases of stairs as I came upon my dorm. I slowly walked in and glanced at the three others. One with dark brown hair who sat on the couch and two others who sat on the floor chatting amongst themselves. The brown-haired girl looked up at me for a split second before pulling out her phone.
Well that's quite the array of elements we're being introduced to. I'm not entirely sure you can even just call them elements at this point. They do seem to be referring to sort of just powers. But its certainly an intriguing system. Especially with how that reaction was to discovering the element. It seems there's a few pre conceived notions about all of these elements running around here which certainly makes things quite interesting.
I pulled out my phone and just swiped through, not wanting to talk to the newest roommate. She set down her bag and I glanced over my phone as a puppy bounded out. I set down my phone as I got up, walking over as I sat on my knees. The puppy jumped up as he sniffed the palm of my hand and I snickered. The girl looked at me as she picked back up her bag, tossing it onto the couch. I looked up at her as she watched the puppy. I stood up as the puppy pounced around the carpeted floor. “I’m Skye.” I said moodily. A new text message drew my attention away from the puppy and I glanced down at my phone, slightly annoyed. I find that I have 3 new messages from Eric and a missed call.
Eric: How’s life?
Eric: I’m bored
Eric: Coming to ur dorm
Well I do think we've reached the point where I am now starting to forget a couple of the characters from earlier so I do think a split into chapters would be great unless of course it already is an I'm just assuming wrong. Either way so far the way things connect to each other at least has been smooth enough that following along hasn't proved to be too big of a problem.
Before I could reply, a knock on the door drew all the girl’s attention away from the dog and to the spiky haired Eric that walked in. “So I wasn’t there to watch the excitement of you electrocuting yourself...again.” I say with a laugh. Eric huffs and tries futilely to flatten down his hair which, instead of going down, just seemed to spike up again. After a few moments of giggles from the girls, Eric walked over and sat on the couch next to Luna. “What are you laughing at?” he said like there was nothing funny going on. “You.” she replies with a giggle. He stands up and walks over to me. “So who’s the new girl? She looks nice. You must hate her.” he said while blocking my punch. “Actually I don’t know her name and for the record I don’t like any of my roommates.” I replied. “Yet, I’m sure they will be alright once you meet them.” he says as he gestures for me to join the conversation. Suddenly the door swung open again, and a girl stepped into the room. “This is dorm 291 right?” she asks in a bored tone. “Yeah,” Luna says, “Who are you? We weren't expecting a new roommate.” The girl yawns, “To be honest, I wasn’t expecting a whole new dorm. There may or may not have been...an accident in my old one.” she says with a wicked grin. “I think I’ll like her,” I mutter to Eric. He laughs and then puts his arm on my shoulder like I was his arm rest. Which he does way too often. “You’ll be fine” he states. “So, where’s my room, or whatever.” the girl asked, glancing around. She leaned slightly to the side under the weight of her stuff, and when I looked closer I swear I was wires and some sort of fuel. Luna and Aria walked over to her and took her stuff to the open bedroom while introducing each of us. “I am Aria, this is Luna, Claire and Skye. We are your new roommates. “ Aria states as she points to each of us. The girl nods, “I’m Gizmo,” she says, looking around, “Who’s he?” she said, pointing to Eric “I’m Eric and I in the dorm down the hall, I’m just here to annoy Skye.” he replies sending a smirk over to me. I sighed and slightly shook my head.
Once again a bit of a conflicting moment for me. On one hand it makes sense for this style of conversation to happen but in a story it really does come off a little bit clunky and repetitive especially given a couple of the earlier scenes so I think this scene could benefit from a little bit of a reimagining there. I honestly wouldn't know exactly how to go about making this flow a little bit better but it does unfortunately seem to need that.
I watched their banter, feeling extremely bored. My old dorm had been so much better. A lot less crowded too. Too bad I accidently blew it up, even though everyone thought I had done it on purpose. “So...which room am I sleeping in?” I asked, looking at the empty rooms. The girl called Luna shrugged, pointing toward the farthest dorm. I nodded in thanks and walked over, slipping into the room. I glanced at my stuff that lay sprawled on the bed and sat by it, plucking the wires away. I grabbed a drink from the mini fridge and used a bottle opener to get the stupid cap off. I straightened out the snarls in the wire until they were ramrod straight and then began to build my newest project. A soda bomb. I grabbed a special mint that I made for this. I held the bottle gingerly in my hands and dropped it inside. It instantly fizzed up and I spun the cap on, effectively stopping it from exploding. I shook it up, and the bottle vibrated from the force. I slipped the bottle under the pillow as Skye walked into my room. “So whatcha doing in here?” she asked with a smirk on her face, like she knew what I was up to. “It’s none of your business.” I replied with an annoyed snap. “Alright I respect that, but by the way if you want privacy you really shouldn’t be living in this dorm cause the people here are always in others' space.” She warns. “Thanks for the advice. I'll remember that.” I state as she turns for the door. “Wait, you're the shadow element right?” I ask. “Ya, well I’m a shadow and a fighting element.” She says as she comes back and sits on the bed next to me. “That's cool. I’m from the ghost element.” I say realizing that I may actually like this girl. “I figured out your original name and all of your stuff.” she replies with a snort. I look at my stuff and realize that it is all black and give her a little nod. I yawned, standing up and pulling the bottle out from beneath my pillow. I glanced at it, tossing it at Skye who caught it with one hand a small frown. “What’s this?” she asked, her hand on the cap as if to open it, “I recommend not opening it.” I warned, though the corners of my mouth were turning up in a crooked grin. “It’s a soda bomb. I was making it when you walked in.” I state. “Awesome. Can I have it to pull a prank on Eric and the rest of the boys? I need pay back for the last time they played a prank on me.” She asks with a huge grin on her face. “Sure, just don’t do it in my room cause it’ll make a big mess.” I caution, “Okay I’ll do it in their dorm or the living area, later.” she says as she gets up off the bed, hides the bottle and walks out of the room, to where I am guessing her’s.
Well these elements just keep getting increasingly more volatile and I am absolutely here for it. Once again a bit of a clunky one in terms of how its all gone and gotten stuffed into the one big paragraph but once you do decipher this has definitely got a really little groundwork going for it here. I do stand by my idea that this just seems like it'll benefit a lot from being expanded on.
As I look over my shoulder at Luna, I see Teddy attacking her with kisses. Luna was now pinned down by Teddy and Claire was laughing so hard her eyes started to water and her face turned red. I guessed she was “feeling” Luna's emotions and finding them hysterical.. I stand up and walk over to Luna and pick up Teddy. He squirmed in my arms and tried to lick my face. I looked at Claire and quickly let out a giggle as I set the pup down. I looked around the room for Eric but he was nowhere to be found. Luna must have noticed right as I did because she looked at me with a concerned look. She asks, “Where did Eric go, wasn’t he standing over there a little while ago.” As she asks, Skye walks out of her room. As she turns the corner to sit on the couch Eric jumps out with a loud “Boo!!” Skye jumps and lets out a small scream, then smacks him in the back of the head which only makes Eric laugh harder. They sit on the couch and Skye dramatically crosses her arms. I make a small snicker as I try to hold in a laugh. Skye glared up at me as I burst out laughing, causing me to crash onto the ground in laughter. I watched as Skye stormed back into Gizmo’s room. I heard murmuring coming from the bedroom, but I still couldn’t make out what they were saying. I tuned out Luna, Claire and Eric as I attempted to hear what they were saying.. I walked over and leaned against the door before I fell down, both Skye and Gizmo looking up at me. I forgot the door was a push, not pull.. I giggled awkwardly a little as I stood back up. Skye raised an eyebrow at me but didn’t say anything. I watched as Gizmo pulled out a soda bottle that had a lot of cords connected as she smirked a little. “Want to help us?” she said as Skye looked at the bottle and grinned.. I sat back down slowly and nodded, “What are you guys doing?” “I am gonna get payback on a certain butthead.” Skye said with a suspicious grin. “So you want in.” Gizmo asks me. “Um…… Sure I can help, but what are we gonna do?” I ask. “I am going to give this to Eric to open and it will explode in his face. But first we need to get the rest of the boys in here. Oh ya and also Gizmo is gonna take a video.” Skye explains. I nod as I listen to every word very carefully. After she finished explaining, gizmo cleared her throat as she put the soda bottle into her bag. Skye pulled out her phone as she texted a group chat to come over to the dorm. I stood up and walked out of the room, Gizmo following behind slowly. She set her bag on the couch and Skye came out a few moments later, scanning the room to see if anybody else was here yet. She jumped slightly as the door was thrown open and a few more boys came in.
Hmmm well this is quite the neat little prank war to start here, but I do feel here especially its just a little too much to pay attention to. The scene certainly works and its really nice to imagine exactly what just happened there but there's just so many characters involved that it ends up feeling like we're just going through a list of reactions there towards the end. I think you need to break this scene up just a little bit in terms of making a few reactions stick out and having the rest be a bit more in the background to maybe get elaborated on later. Just so that its not all lost in a bit of an information overload.
As the boys strided into the room Aria, Gizmo and I all got into position. “So whatcha need?” Mason asks in a bright tone. He walked over to Eric while Patrick and Ben were seated on the couch.. I walked over to Eric and Mason. I pretended to struggle a little bit before I went to hand Eric the bottle. “Can you open this for me, I can’t get it open for some reason.” I ask Eric with a straight face. He exaggerated rolling his eyes as he took the bottle from me, making a slight groan as he twisted the cap that was screwed on tightly. It made a large fizzing noise as Eric continued to unscrew the cap more and more until it was fully off. I felt disappointed when it didn’t go off and Eric held it out to me, “Here.” he said. I heard a few louder fizzing noises as I backed away, a small grin reappearing on my face. I walked into my bedroom, Aria and Gizmo followed quickly behind. I closed the door enough so we wouldn’t get splattered, but still enough so I could watch it happen. I looked at Eric as his face turned slightly confused and he glanced back at Mason, who was only a few feet behind him. Patrick and Ben looked up, hearing as the bottle exploded, sending both plastic and soda all over the living room. I burst out laughing as the door swung open as I toppled over from laughter. The laughter simmered down before the bottom third of the bottle that was still together splattered the remaining soda, a few drops reaching over to me. I wiped it off with my sleeve as Aria and Gizmo who were still shielded by me started laughing. Eric quickly turned around and ran into the bathroom to clean up. Mason ran in behind him because he got some of the back spray and is a real wussy about it. I quickly got up as Eric and Mason came out of the bathroom. Ben, who was shielded by the couch, laughed harder than I thought anybody could. I could tell Eric was mad and that I was in real trouble. Patrick glanced around, examining the situation. Eric looked really mad, so my first instinct was to run, so I did. I ran down out the door and through the hall into the first opened dorm room door. I quickly slammed and locked the door. A few seconds later the door unlocked and flew open only then did I realize this dorm was the boys’. My eyes widened as I ran into the closest bedroom, scrambling into a ball under the wooden desk. I heard quiet cussing and footsteps coming my way. As the door opened, I took one quick look at who it was before I let out a long sigh. It was only Patrick. He sat on his bed as I slowly got up, he glanced up at me, his face full of confusion.. “Shhhh, don’t tell anyone I’m in here.” I whisper, “Where is everyone? Do they know I'm in there?” I asked, standing up and glancing around.d “Yeah, I think so, Eric and the others are checking the other rooms. He seems really mad, I would be scared if I were you.” He replies as I tell him to shush. “That’s why I am hiding because I don’t want to feel the rage of Eric.” I say as I sit in the uncomfortable wooden chair, I could tell Patrick wasn’t going to turn me in to the others.
Hmm I think this one's done a little bit better. And having the different perspective to digest that one really does add on nicely. At the risk of repeating myself I do think the paragraph splitting and some slight expansions on some of the stronger reactions could do this a lot of good in terms of becoming something that's a lot clearer.
I looked at Skye before laying back on the bed, the smell of dusty sheets filling my nose. I reached my hand into my pocket and pulled out my earbuds. I put them in my ears and grabbed my phone, turning on music. The sound echoed through my mind, sounding off. I sat up, listening to the music carefully. The music was awfully pitchy and scratched up. I took out my earbuds, looking at them in the palm of my hand. I realize there is pop in the ear pieces. I am guessing it is from Skye’s stunt., I gave her a dirty look. I sighed as I unlocked my phone, checking my messages. No new messages. I shrugged slightly and stood up as Skye looked at me, “Where are you going?” she said, in a scared but stiff tone. I looked at the door then back at her, “To Saja’s dorm. He can fix these.” I mumbled, holding out my earbuds before stuffing them into my pocket. I cautiously opened the door, checking to see if anybody was around before I slipped out and into the living room, closing the door quietly behind me. I checked my watch as I shook my head. It was quiet hours meaning I shouldn’t be out of my dorm. I let out a small groan before heading to the dorm door. I checked the hallway for teachers, and after deciding the coast was clear, I walked out. I headed down a few hallways, looking closely at all the numbers. As I came to dorm 126 I halted, scanning the door. I heard quiet murmurs coming closer from down the hallway and I glanced around, seeing a few teachers heading my way. I quickly opened the door and closed it, sighing as I glanced around at the living room. Saja’s roommate glanced at me, silently pointing to Saja’s room. I nodded in thanks and walked over, opening the door and slipping inside. I looked around the room, which looked slightly nicer than mine. Saja glanced up at me from his desk as I watched him scribble the last few notes before getting up. “These first few days we have off are nice.” he said as I nodded before reaching into my pocket as I pulled out my earbuds, setting them on the desk. He looked at the earbuds then looked back at me, “Need me to fix them again?” I nodded, “Soda got in them.” He rolled his eyes, snickering slightly as he put them in a drawer. I shrugged ever so slightly and opened the bedroom door, “Thanks.” I said, walking back out into the living room. I went to the door, opening it. I came to a sudden halt as I looked at the teacher who was standing right in front of me. A tall man with a thick grey beard looked down at me, his face full of anger. “And what are you doing, wandering halls at this hour?” My eyes widened as I stared blankly for a moment, trying to find an excuse to use. “The faucet in my dorm isn’t working, so I came here to get some water.” I said quietly in a rushed tone. He raised an eyebrow at me before looking back at Saja’s roommate who was sitting on the couch, watching us as the door was still wide open. “Is this true?” Saja’s roommate nodded quickly before grabbing their things and dashing off into another room. He looked back at me, “Get back to your dorm. I’ll send somebody to fix your faucet. And absolutely NO more roaming halls during quiet hours.” He said loudly, almost as if to make sure the whole hallway heard it. I stuck my hands in my pockets, nodding as I walked to the side of him, quickly dashing down the halls back to my dorm. I opened the door, closing it quickly behind me as I looked through the peephole just to make sure he was gone. After deciding it was alright, I sat down on the couch, pulling out my phone.
Well this is quite the place to pause at here. Once again loving the little extra details on the dynamic forming between everyone here and just the dynamic that seems to already exist between them. I think its really nice that ending too. So far we've mostly seen only the students so seeing a more authority figure coming into the picture is the perfect bit of balance to it to make it a little more grounded and to remind us of exactly where they are here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think you've got yourself a wonderful start here. Definitely a powerful little framework for a world and some pretty fun characters. The way they interact feels real enough and at least two of three of them are already memorable enough and make us want to know more about them. The world itself also really drew me in. It just needs to be ironed out a little in terms of how its presented in terms of avoiding those large sections of somewhat repetitive interactions. The sheer number of characters really ended up making this a little bit harder to understand than it really needed to be.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Kate
Points: 269359
Reviews: 4166
Donate