Hello! Aquamarine made some amazing points there, especially about the way you write. Isolating the reader is a very easy thing to do when you have a good idea in your head. Maybe ask the reader some rhetorical questions for them to think about, hold some information back right until the end so the reader has a sense of 'why didn't I think of that?' when they get to the final line of that chapter. It might just draw them back for enough page. And another. So....
. I couldn’t help but smirk at the wide grin that drew across her face as she gazed at me. “I love you son, I have always loved you, and I always will.” Those were the words I most desperately need to hear, because I knew that there was someone in this world who loved me. “I love you too mom”, I said, without a moment of hesitation.
Sorry, but it is really important for me to point out that everytime a new reader starts speaking, a new line must begin!
I watched as each drop, collided with the window and began its journey down the glass surface, disappearing behind the milky-white window pane. Often, I would imagine the drops as tiny, little racers, speeding down, trying to reach that finish line; with me encouraging them along the way.
You have quite a few un-needed commas in here, its on the verge of becoming a group of 'run-away sentences'. Maybe some connective words could help?
Its the little things that always get the best writers, I really think this has a lot of potential. Will be checking in to read more!
Forgottenfallen x
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