Hi there, 1stseasonoftheyear, and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to review your story.
Before I get into the review, a quick note: I'm one of the site moderators, and one of our jobs is to make sure works are rated appropriately. Since the use of the "F-word" automatically bumps a work up to 18+, I went ahead and changed the rating for you. Nothing else was changed. Check out Content Ratings Guidelines for more info on content ratings.
Okay, now on to the actual piece. Overall, I liked the story itself. It's intriguing and dramatic. One thing I feel is missing plotwise is any thoughts about the other woman. We know what he says about her, but what is he actually thinking and remembering? I think that would add a level of richness to his character and the plot.
Now for some nitpicks. I see from your comments to previous reviewers that you're not a native English speaker, so I'll try to explain grammar points as I go along without spending too much time on them. In editing, you may want to use The Great Grammar Compendium to help you understand certain grammar rules.
The sound of the glass vase shattering on the floor, made both of them jump out of whatever they were focused on.
First off, the comma doesn't make sense here. It's hard to explain the rules around commas, but essentially this doesn't work because the two pieces can't function as separate sentences. I notice this kind of overuse of commas in several places in the story, so you might want to look into that.
The second (and larger) problem is that "whatever they were focused on" doesn't feel like an accurate description of the scene. Later on, you say that they had been in a tense silence for several minutes. In contrast, "whatever they were focused on" implies that they were just doing normal everyday things. Perhaps a better way to phrase this would be "The sound of the glass vase shattering on the floor broke the tense silence in the living room."
Michael reached for a towel, to clean the mess without a second thought.
Another unnecessary comma. Also, a towel seems like an odd choice to pick up glass. I would go for a broom and dustpan myself.
She couldn’t say a word. It wasn’t that she didn’t know what to say, it was just that she didn’t want to talk.
This is kind of weird to me, mainly because this story is mostly limited third person from Michael's point of view. So having Joanna's in there threw me off.
"The vase I mean, was it anything expensive?"
Michael asked again, pretending that he really cared about the stupid vase.
Another weird grammar thing: Whatever comes after the dialogue, even a longer paragraph like this one, is on the same line as the dialogue.
Or even better. I'll get you that thing from the Antique shop you always wanted.
Antique doesn't need to be capitalized here, as it isn't a proper noun (like a name). There's quite a few places where you capitalize nouns that don't need to be capitalized, so watch out for that.
The five minutes5 Minuteof dark hollow silence.
Generally, numbers from one to ten in English are spelled out.
"No, no, I don’t feel like going out. I'll cook something. Do you…um….do you like some…I don't know…spaghetti? Or some casserole? Do you love some mac and cheese? Michael do you love her?
This is getting nit-picky, but I feel like this is a pivotal point in the story so I would make the wording clear. "Do you like spaghetti?" is the way you would ask someone how they feel about a dish in general. If I'm asking what someone wants for dinner, I might say "Would you like some spaghetti?" (more formal/polite) or "Do you want some spaghetti?" (more casual-this one would make more sense for this piece).
She agreed, but when he got to the Dining room, there was no place on the Couch for him to sit. She was laying. Of course she had the right to not wantwantinghim beside her.
"Dining" and "Couch" don't need capitalization. "She was laying." isn't a complete sentence. Perhaps this could be reworded as "When they got to the couch, she promptly lied down, leaving no room for him to sit." Also, dining rooms don't normally have couches, just a table. Maybe they're in the living room or family room? Also, I didn't realize until this paragraph that I have no sense of where they were in the house before this.
There was this stingy feeling in his throat and it was then when he understood what he has done.He loved joey.
"Stingy" is a separate word that usually refers to someone who isn't generous (like "he was stingy with his money"). I think you mean "stinging". Also, you do need to capitalize Joey since that's her name (a proper noun).
She had this distracted look in her eyes while playing with that book in her hand. Was she reading? Sure she loved to read, but how could she read at a time like that?
Wait where did that book come from? Right now it feels like it just appeared. Was it lying out and about? Did she go get it and then return? Is it a photo album or are these pictures just stuffed in a random book?
Pictures of a man came out of the book. The sound of them scattering on the floor jumped Joanna even more than the breaking vaseglasses.
"jumped Joanna" doesn't really make sense. I would replace with "made Joanna jump".
Overall, I think this is a moving story, and it could be even better with some polishing. Welcome again and keep writing!
Points: 36224
Reviews: 1275
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