The original version of this work has been removed to avoid confusion with the new one. If you have come here through a link, feel free to read the improved/edited story here:
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=95342
Thanks again to all the users of the YWS who gave critiques/opinions on the original story.
-DudeMcGuy
Dude McGuy! My man! My co-Kain fan! Final Fantasy IV is one of my most favorite games in the series 
I personally like Palom! Well enough with the FF talk, let's just get to the review! But first, I tell you I'm really sorry for the awfully late review. And also, I don't want to show anything bad, but you've got very good review on here i.e. Twit and the others, so, let me give you a Special Revue focused on what I think is important to me as a reader, not a critic. But I'm sure it can help, anyways, even by justa a bit !
So first, the things I REALLY like! There are some sentences which, although a bit cliche, still packs a punch! For example, "Few adventures dared to visit its shores; and those who did rarely ever returned.". Common, but full of impact. What I also like is the semi-historic retelling of this prologue. It's kinda legend-like; it seemed to be told in an old soothsayer's voice, a tone in which, with your theme, works greatly.
Okay, so the only point I want to discuss ('Cause all others are already did ) is how you 'show' the story. Remember, Dude, you won't 'tell' it, you 'show' it. For example, "Shin-ryu smelled the salt water when he awoke." Now, a scene did appear in my mind, but it seems to be told only. By using vivid words, different sentence structures and figurative speech, it can be told. Here's a sample: 'The dull aroma of sea salt circulated around Shin-ryu's sleeping senses, acting as an awakening agent.' Okay, I know my sentence is not even good, but that's a moderate description of how to show a story. Don't rush over the flow of scenes, take some time showing how everything looks like, how they feel, how they're going, you know, the works . I think this factor can greatly benefit this piece's readability.
Well, that's all I can say for now, but I'm open for more reviews on this piece if you want! I'm sure this can be a good piece !
Good luck, writing!
Your pal,
Al
PS Since the title is still pending, maybe I can still fit in some suggestions. Well, one suggestion anyway. If you've figured out much of your piece, but not yet of the title, check this site out: http://www.write-and-publish-fiction.co ... title.html . I do it as some sort of ritual for my poems, so I think it would help, not work, wonders in a novel Good luck!
Dude McGuy! My man! My co-Kain fan! Final Fantasy IV is one of my most favorite games in the series I personally like Palom! Well enough with the FF talk, let's just get to the review! But first, I tell you I'm really sorry for the awfully late review. And also, I don't want to show anything bad, but you've got very good review on here i.e. Twit and the others, so, let me give you a Special Revue focused on what I think is important to me as a reader, not a critic. But I'm sure it can help, anyways, even by justa a bit !
So first, the things I REALLY like! There are some sentences which, although a bit cliche, still packs a punch! For example, "Few adventures dared to visit its shores; and those who did rarely ever returned.". Common, but full of impact. What I also like is the semi-historic retelling of this prologue. It's kinda legend-like; it seemed to be told in an old soothsayer's voice, a tone in which, with your theme, works greatly.
Okay, so the only point I want to discuss ('Cause all others are already did ) is how you 'show' the story. Remember, Dude, you won't 'tell' it, you 'show' it. For example, "Shin-ryu smelled the salt water when he awoke." Now, a scene did appear in my mind, but it seems to be told only. By using vivid words, different sentence structures and figurative speech, it can be told. Here's a sample: 'The dull aroma of sea salt circulated around Shin-ryu's sleeping senses, acting as an awakening agent.' Okay, I know my sentence is not even good, but that's a moderate description of how to show a story. Don't rush over the flow of scenes, take some time showing how everything looks like, how they feel, how they're going, you know, the works . I think this factor can greatly benefit this piece's readability.
Well, that's all I can say for now, but I'm open for more reviews on this piece if you want! I'm sure this can be a good piece !
Good luck, writing!
Your pal,
Al
Hello as far as prologues go, this is quite good 
I'm very interested in where this story is going. Shin-ryu is quite interesting but I'd advise leaving the detail about his eye glowing during the telepathy after mentioning it the first few times as, in my case, the third time mentioning it just seemed repetitive as I'd already got the gist of it but as I said that's just me.
The action scene was very well written in my opinion I'm terrible at action and could learn from this :') But I could easily imagine how this would play out, job well done.
The dialogue could use a bit more life but the only real problem (if you can even call it a problem) was:
"The man quickly turned around. “W-What did you say?” he asked."
To me it sounded a little over-dramatic, maybe Dragoon could be stuck for words or maybe he doesn't even know the meaning of the word?
All in all, job well done
Hey there! Again, I am really sorry for taking so long to get to this, but here I am... Finally. 
So, first off I'd just like to say that I really enjoyed this. For your first attempt at fiction, it's really good and I can see that it has quite a bit of potential.
However, I do have a few things I think I should point out. For instance, I know that this has been mentioned before but you really need to keep away from info dumping. I know that you commented below saying that it's supposed to be a story that your other characters are reading in the future, but it doesn't really have that feel to it yet. If you really want to keep it as a sort of legend, you might want to change the writing style a bit with this to make sure the readers can make the distinction between the legend and the other character's plot.
Another suggestion on a similar note may be to work this story in with the other plot you have planned. I have read other novels that do a similar thing (eg. Holes by Louis Sachar) and it can work great if you do it right. This might be a good idea if you want to develop this a bit more, show us why this is an important part of the story. Not to mention, if you do this you're not just leaving us hanging with a couple of underdeveloped characters we are introduced to in the first part who completely disappear. Even if you do not do this, make sure you develop the relationship between the two sets of characters, and show us why we should care as well as how Shin-ryu and the unnamed man affected these new characters. Why does their story matter to the main characters?
Other than that there's not much else I can comment on. You do have a few grammatical and style errors, but that will improve with more time and practice. I will however mention the most important thing I think you might want to work on a bit more though, which is the dialogue towards the end.
Dialogue is one of the most difficult as well as the most important aspects in writing. Good dialogue will give insight into the character and his/her personality as well as make them seem like they could exist in real life. You need to make sure that it's natural, and that people would actually say the things that your characters are saying.
Right now, however, your dialogue is a bit stiff. (Though still much better than some I have read.) One thing you might want to try is get someone to read it out with you. Get into your characters' minds while you do this and the dialogue should come out easier. Sometimes you just need to hear it out loud to see what works and what doesn't.
If you want more tips on grammar and dialogue I would really suggest taking a look at this site: http://www.dailywritingtips.com/dialogue-writing-tips/ as well as this book: http://bcs.bedfordstmartins.com/writers ... /Main.aspx
While the site is more focused on dialogue, the book is really useful because it outlines just about every grammar rule and answers any question you may have about what to use when and where to put it. I own a copy and I can honestly say that it's helped me so much whenever I am unsure about whether or not I am on the right track - at least grammar wise. Hopefully it's useful to you as well!
Overall, this is a really good beginning, especially if this is your first attempt at fiction. It has a lot of potential, and I can absolutely see it becoming an incredibly interesting story. Great job so far, and I hope to have the chance to read more of your work very soon!
Anyways, that's about all I have to say right now. I hope that what I said makes sense, and it's not too repetitive of anything that anyone else has said below - and that it's helpful advice! If you ever want me to take a look at more of your work, I'd be delighted to read more!
~ Patricia Tina
Ps. Please do feel free to contact me if you have any questions/comments about anything I said in this review.
Hi. I found your story, and for a beginner, it's very good. The plot is original, and the story moves along at a good pace.
However, there are a few problems that could stop readers from continuing. Readers expect action and a character they could empathize with, especially at the beginning. There is going to a lot of information that you will know that the reader doesn't need to know, and only hurts the pace of the story. The majority of your beginning isn't needed. There aren't any characters, and wouldn't affect the rest of your story. And if you really want the reader to know why the hunters hate the dragons, use the viewpoint of the king, instead of a omnipotent viewpoint.
The story itself is interesting, but you have a lot of infodumping. You have a whole book, so you don't have to put everything in the prologue. Only put the essentials in, so you can space them out through the whole book. If you want to know more about this, a good tutorial is:
viewtopic.php?f=150&t=41426
One of the hardest parts of writing is pacing, so you're doing a good job. I'm definitely planning on reading the next chapter.
I LOVE THIS! I really enjoyed reading it.
You have a great writing style and from what I've gathered you've got a good world going here.
I think the prologue's good. Is the story about Dragoons? If so then it's fine.
It kept me guessing and was exciting.
I think perhaps you should change the end bit so he just goes 'give me a name' without Shin-ryu (LOVE this name) already knowing he has no name.
Also, when the dragon's about to die I could guess from the way you were holding things up he was going to get saved. Try to re-read this as if you don't know what's going to happen and edit it so that it flows faster.
Basically though, this story was great. I lost my critic's head at several points because I was enjoying it so much.
Message me when you get chapter 1 up please!
(This was going on your Wall but then it turned into a baby essay. >_< )
Hey Dude! I'm not sure what the general opinion on prologues is, but I think they should be more than premise and bones. You can get bones and premise on the back-cover blurb. A prologue should do more than give an outline of your world's history. Tolkien did his Concerning Hobbits preface in LOTR, but Tolkien was Tolkien, and lots of people don't like that preface anyway. ^_^
I'm sure I read somewhere (it may even have been on here) a warning about using prologues, and I'm racking my brains trying to remember exactly what it was. If I find out later I'll let you know. But is a prologue necessary at all? It should be more than just a cold open (that scene before the opening titles of a TV episode where the ballerina dances her feet off or they find a torso in the desert. The shocker that makes you want to see the rest.) From your comment to the reviewer below me in the thread, it seems that Shin-ryu and the strange guy aren't going to be the main characters at all. So why take the time to introduce them at all?
Whenever I see a prologue or consider using one myself, I'm always reminded of this book I had when I was younger. It had a prologue about this girl called Annabel, and it was about how her parents died and she came to live with her aunt in London, and how at first it seemed like everything was going to be okay, but then the aunt started getting more and more horrible and everything went all pear-shaped; and the prologue ended with Annabel tearing an advert out of the paper. The advert was for a cottage for rent somewhere in Kent, and the implication was that Annabel would take her brother and sister and try and run away. I loved that prologue. It was exciting, intriguing, and I completely sympathised with Annabel. So of course I eagerly turned the page to Chapter 1, anxiously wanting to find out what happened next. Chapter 1 began with a girl called Susan waking up in bed and finding out that she and her cousin Midge had caught chickenpox.
To say I was miffed would be an understatement. I didn’t care about Susan or Midge. I wanted to know what happened to Annabel because the prologue had made her real and exciting and I wanted to know about her. It was like being having a freshly baked apple pie wafted under my nose and then having it snatched away before I could sit down and have a slice. I read and reread the prologue several times, but could never work up the enthusiasm to get beyond that. Eventually I did read Chapter 1, and the whole book, and so realised that the prologue did actually fit with the rest of the book, and I found out what happened to Annabel, but it took me years (no hyperbole here, literally years) to get past the disappointment of the prologue.
I see a similar situation here. Although they’re a bit flat, I’m invested in Shin-ryu and the mysterious guy. You introduced them, gave them names and mysteries, and so I want that resolved. Imma go and search for that thing I think I remember on prologues, but in the meantime, maybe consider tweaking this somewhat. I know it’s your story, and you know whether or not this is vital. It may hurt to take it out, but sometimes one has to cut fluff, regardless of how much you like it.
-twit
Hi Dude! Sorry it’s taken me so long to get to this. >_<
For your first try at writing fiction, this is pretty good! You've got a strong storyline, and you write very confidently. ^_^
However, what you have here isn't so much a story as the bones of a story. The first part reads like a textbook—it tells me stuff without engaging me in an actual story about real people. Later on when you introduce Shin-ryu it gets more interesting, because characters are where the drama is at. Good story-telling is about character. You could cut the first part out completely and it wouldn't hurt the real story at all. In fact, it would mean that we got to the real meat quicker, and without having to slog through a load of clunky back-story. Back-story is good and important and all, but it's not always necessary, and it's rarely so important that you have to devote a whole prologue to laying it all out.
When you get to Shin-ryu everything gets better. Characters, imho, are the most important part of a story. I don't really care about what happened, I want to know who it happened to. If I wanted a history lesson I'd pay attention in class more often. Stories should be about real people, and to make something real, you need to know it well and show us that you know it well.
Although the second part is better, it's still very sparse. There's very little detail. Remember, we as readers only see as much of the scene as you tell us, so to make it real you have to make it vivid. Not OTT detail, so don’t bother spending two paragraphs describing someone's toenails if the toenails aren't important—but if they are important, then we need to be able to see them perfectly. Shin-ryu's run through the night is important. It should be exciting, wild, confused. He's running for his life, this is important, we need to be able to experience it with him. Smell the air, taste the wind, hear the sounds of carnage behind him, feel the grip of fear and the hot flame of anger, the wet grass lashing against his legs. Perhaps he stumbles and falls and for a moment sees the stars and wonders how they can still be so perfect when his world is falling in ruins around him.
This is an example of what I mean:
Shin-ryu heard the sound of arrows flying over his head as he sprinted east. Three arrows found their mark.
After sprinting for almost an hour, Shin-ryu arrived at the end of the field.
I'll start with my nitpicking first...
"adventures" did you mean 'adventurers'?
"2791 N.D." Is N.D. a typo? Or is it a new time period that you're introducing for the story? Perhaps you could give a brief explanation; so stupid people like me can understand it.
"Where they simply waiting for him to die?" I suspect is a mere typo, where you meant 'were', but spell checker let it slid since it's a real word.
Other than that, your story was absolutely AMAZING! I really enjoyed it and I'm excited to see what else you post! Are you going to expand this story?
