Dude McGuy! My man! My co-Kain fan! Final Fantasy IV is one of my most favorite games in the series I personally like Palom! Well enough with the FF talk, let's just get to the review! But first, I tell you I'm really sorry for the awfully late review. And also, I don't want to show anything bad, but you've got very good review on here i.e. Twit and the others, so, let me give you a Special Revue focused on what I think is important to me as a reader, not a critic. But I'm sure it can help, anyways, even by justa a bit !
So first, the things I REALLY like! There are some sentences which, although a bit cliche, still packs a punch! For example, "Few adventures dared to visit its shores; and those who did rarely ever returned.". Common, but full of impact. What I also like is the semi-historic retelling of this prologue. It's kinda legend-like; it seemed to be told in an old soothsayer's voice, a tone in which, with your theme, works greatly.
Okay, so the only point I want to discuss ('Cause all others are already did ) is how you 'show' the story. Remember, Dude, you won't 'tell' it, you 'show' it. For example, "Shin-ryu smelled the salt water when he awoke." Now, a scene did appear in my mind, but it seems to be told only. By using vivid words, different sentence structures and figurative speech, it can be told. Here's a sample: 'The dull aroma of sea salt circulated around Shin-ryu's sleeping senses, acting as an awakening agent.' Okay, I know my sentence is not even good, but that's a moderate description of how to show a story. Don't rush over the flow of scenes, take some time showing how everything looks like, how they feel, how they're going, you know, the works . I think this factor can greatly benefit this piece's readability.
Well, that's all I can say for now, but I'm open for more reviews on this piece if you want! I'm sure this can be a good piece !
Good luck, writing!
Your pal,
Al
PS Since the title is still pending, maybe I can still fit in some suggestions. Well, one suggestion anyway. If you've figured out much of your piece, but not yet of the title, check this site out: http://www.write-and-publish-fiction.co ... title.html . I do it as some sort of ritual for my poems, so I think it would help, not work, wonders in a novel Good luck!
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