Young Writers Society

Hello! I have this on my very dusty review list so at some point either you asked me to take a look or I saw it and wanted to write you a review. I'm not sure which, but better late than never, right?

Specifics

1. I like the first stanza. It has a very easy flow and even though there's not much there in the way of imagery, it makes a nice steady opening to the poem.

2. I think the second one needs to speed up a little and be a bit more punchy. I love the image behind 'slipping into another frame' but after that, you trail off in the next three lines. I'd rather see you build on that image or give us another one. There's nothing very interesting in 'warm past' or the idea that a new phase is unsettling. These are things we know and feel and we don't get much from being told them again.

3. I like the idea in the third stanza that this person likes the idea of how an old friendship can be picked up. I'd like to see that more clearly, maybe a comparison of how an old friendship is like a mechanical toy, already assembled and only set aside, while a new friendship is like staring at lots of tiny pieces which still need to be fitted together. I just feel like you need an image in there to help convey your idea and to really solidify what makes an old friendship attractive.

4. I feel like the fourth stanza is just a bunch of questions and none of them very deep or interesting. I think you could cut that and not lose anything from the poem.

5. Again, the fifth stanza isn't very interesting. If you built in some imagery that might help, but I'm not really feeling the fear or uncertainty. I'm not feeling that there's any risk in opening yourself up to find out - maybe you need to focus instead on what would happen if you did. On the idea that it could ruin the old memories you have, that by opening that box up again, you could lose what's inside forever.

6. I like the idea of additional memories in the sixth stanza, but you're not doing much with that and there's very little in stanza seven. I think you could take those two and do something to combine them and maybe add something more. Is the idea that these newer memories are brighter, more shiny, compared to the ghost of old memories?

7. I'd have liked to see more conclusion! The ending feels like a cop out - you're setting the story up but not concluding it for us. It's a little nice in a sense that it's the reader's choice, but I feel there should at least be a touch of finality. Even if it's only their eyes meeting or something.

Overall

There's some good stuff here, but I'd like to see stronger imagery and a bit less filler. It feels a little bit too prosaic at the moment and isn't as sharp and crisp as it could be. You don't get many words in poetry so don't waste them!

I hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

Not generally too familiar with free-verse, but I'll give it my best shot. Even forgetting rhyme scheme, timing is still important - and, I would think, the largest component of a poem in free-verse (if it is to be called a good poem) is to time it correctly, as your rhymes cannot save you from stumbling blocks along the way.

Take with salt and mind the edges.

Some rumbling shame lives/in turning your head back -/silently admitting/that you still need that old friend.

that you are, maybe, a little/scared of shifting into another frame-

You simply yearn for the comfort of knowing/that the song of old friendship/still rings in his ears,/fills him with tremulous longing,

are you still welcome to showcase/your weaknesses/before an old friend?

but what about... is it... to him?

and his response - you, timid/ appear, and he doesn't know you

Life goes on, things happen.

aquired

He acquired matter to recollect/that is still tangible, alive, pulsing.../like a cardinal's glorious song.

the faded image of you/is deep under piles in his mind

You battle hard/to reject that prophecy

Hey, Panth! Here with a review for you, as requested and in return. Let's begin.

Something that caught my eye:

Some rumbling shame

I can really relate to this this was touching and I enjoyed it. I would love to review but I stink at reviewing poetry.

Well... (take this as a compliment)

I started reading it but I had to stop because it made me think of my former best friend, and it was so true.

Hi PinkPanther!

Okay, so I gather that this is a poem about you and a friend moving away? How sad! And you're right... it is a bit awkward to write letters and stuff when you're so far away. I mean, modern technology makes that a bit easier (yay for Facebook!) but not too much easier.

Anyway, as far as your poem goes, it was really long, which isn't a problem... I mean, I just read the Aeneid, which is an epic poem (in the literal sense of the word epic!) and that is way longer than this poem! But, the thing was your poem seemed a bit generic. That is, these sorts of things could apply broadly to anyone. It's kind of like vanilla ice cream... yes, it's a safe bet with everyone and it tastes yummy! But, once you have other types of ice cream (there is some homemade strawberry ice cream in my freezer from farm grown strawberries that were picked fresh the day we got them!!) it's really, really hard to want anything else. So, in this case I think being more specific would give your poem some flair and make it really wonderful.

You were friends! Why not describe some key moments in your friendship? For instance, with my bestest friend in the whole world, I would probably remind her of the time I tried to kill her (accidentally!) inner tubing. Whoops! Or maybe that time when I took her into that shop with all the shiny, breakable items... that wasn't a good idea, by the way, lol! Or, maybe the time when I went to her 21st birthday celebration and watched her drink a long island iced tea (it's not iced tea, by the way). Little things like that. So, definitely play around with that a bit and personalize it. It'll be so much better then.

Okay, the first half of this that was talking about how you couldn't write a letter to an old friend confused me because you seemed to do it so well. The way parts were worded was as if you were talking to your old friend. I liked the ebd but the idea at the top threw me off. It disrupted the flow. That's just me though

Forever, Writer.

Helloo!

First of all, I really like this. I get what you're saying about old friends, because I feel much the same way.

Why it seems so shameful –

Do I even remember,
Her once-familiar name?