Young Writers Society

I. NITPICKS

nightshine wrote:"The first day of school." I said quietly to myself with a sense of dread . My name is Louis Nightshine. I'm your typical 13 year old eighth grade student with you typical parents, friends and life. My life was pretty boring, just living from day to day. There wasn't anything very distinguishing about my appearance. There was one thing though, on the back of my neck. I had a strange marking that sort of resembled a V-shape. My parents called it a birth mark but it has always intrigued me.

"Hey Lou!" One of my friends called to me as I walked into the big brick building that was my school. It was more a prison than a school, I thought. I walked over to my friend. "Yo steve! Have a nice summer? I didn't see you all that much." I asked. "Well maybe If you would get your head out of a book once in a while, you would have! Anyway, when was the last time you got a haircut? Your head looks like a brown mop!" he said. "yeah, yeah." I replied, briefly shrugging off the comment. "Hey, I got to go. I'll see you later?" We exchanged our goodbyes and went our seperate directions.

Most of the clubs, groups, or electives I found uninteresting or too physically demanding of me because I wasn't very big. There were things like Football, Soccor, Baseball, Wrestling, and others. I wouldn't totally suck but I wouldn't exel in any of them either so I didn't bother. But I had to pick at least 3 ways to spend my time besides my regular schedule. I began to sift through the choices in my head. There was a book club. As soon as I saw that I signed up immediately. I loved books. I loved everything about them. It's as if inside every book are new and exciting characters, a new world, a new universe! They're so unpredictable. The moment I picked up a book and began to read my mind would become a canvas and detailed and adventure filled pictures would fill it as quickly as water flows from a waterfall. I read a lot. My room is filled with books. I read them to get away from my boring, uneventful life. I began to look through the list again. I figured that it might be interesting to join the school newspaper. I signed up for that too, I was about to sign up for a gardening and landscaping club in the hope that we would install a pond or two. Beside reading, there aren't that many things on this earth that I enjoy, but I am very relaxed when I see still water. Just a silent, still, pond so still that it looks like a sheet of glass. I find that very relaxing. But I never signed up for that club, because I looked at the other names on the list and I saw a name. written in terrible handwriting was the name "Mike Liller".

EXAMPLE OF TELLING wrote:Sarah hates red muffins. They remind her of blood.

EXAMPLE OF SHOWING wrote:Sarah glared at the red muffin on her plate for a few moments in silence.
"Eat Sarah," I said. "You love muffins."
"No," she grunted shoving the plate away from her.
"Sarah, you have to eat...please..."
I pushed the plate two her and broke the muffin in half and placed one of the severed pieces in her hand. She screeched as soon as my hand pulled away.
'"No! No! Blood!"

"The first day of school." I said quietly to myself with a sense of dread . My name is Louis Nightshine. I'm your typical 13 year old eighth grade student with you typical parents, friends and life. My life was pretty boring, just living from day to day. There wasn't anything very distinguishing about my appearance. There was one thing though, on the back of my neck. I had a strange marking that sort of resembled a V-shape. My parents called it a birth mark but it has always intrigued me.

Anyway, when was the last time you got a haircut? Your head looks like a brown mop!" he said. "yeah, yeah." I replied, briefly shrugging off the comment. "Hey, I got to go. I'll see you later?" We exchanged our goodbyes and went our seperate directions.

Most of the clubs, groups, or electives I found uninteresting or too physically demanding of me because I wasn't very big. There were things like Football, Soccor, Baseball, Wrestling, and others. I wouldn't totally suck but I wouldn't exel in any of them either so I didn't bother. But I had to pick at least 3 ways to spend my time besides my regular schedule. I began to sift through the choices in my head. There was a book club. As soon as I saw that I signed up immediately. I loved books. I loved everything about them. It's as if inside every book are new and exciting characters, a new world, a new universe! They're so unpredictable. The moment I picked up a book and began to read my mind would become a canvas and detailed and adventure filled pictures would fill it as quickly as water flows from a waterfall. I read a lot. My room is filled with books. I read them to get away from my boring, uneventful life. I began to look through the list again. I figured that it might be interesting to join the school newspaper. I signed up for that too, I was about to sign up for a gardening and landscaping club in the hope that we would install a pond or two. Beside reading, there aren't that many things on this earth that I enjoy, but I am very relaxed when I see still water. Just a silent, still, pond so still that it looks like a sheet of glass. I find that very relaxing. But I never signed up for that club, because I looked at the other names on the list and I saw a name. written in terrible handwriting was the name "Mike Liller".

...because I had three. Algebra, Science, and Shop, my least favorite classes. At least we didnt share any electives. and I only had shop for the first quarter of the school year so that was good news. I didnt chose another elective so lucky me i got stuck with French.

So, after a few weeks at school Mr. McFowen got his wish.

The next thing I knew I was being carried away. I heard voices that sounded far away as my hearing returned, but I didn't care anymore, it didn't matter who was carrying me away or where they would take me. I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.

nightshine wrote:chapter 1

"The first day of school." I said quietly to myself with a sense of dread No space. My name is Louis Nightshine. I'm your typical 13 year old eighth grade student with your typical parents, friends and life. My life was pretty boring, just living from day to day. There wasn't anything very distinguishing about my appearance. There was one thing though, on the back of my neck. I had a strange marking that sort of resembled a V-shape. My parents called it a birth mark but it has always intrigued me. If I read this intro in a book, I'm not sure I'd continue. While its OK to portray your character as an ordinary individual, it's not OK to depict him as a boring one. And that's what you're doing - what with all the "typical stuff". Which also is repetetive, in this case. Plus, all you're doing so far is stating. Show me stuff instead.

"Hey Lou!" One of my friends called to me as I walked into the big brick building that was my school. It was more a prison than a school, I thought. I walked over to my friend. "Yo steve! Have a nice summer? I didn't see you all that much." I asked. "Well maybe If you would get your head out of a book once in a while, you would have! Anyway, when was the last time you got a haircut? Your head looks like a brown mop!" he said. "yeah, yeah." I replied, briefly shrugging off the comment. "Hey, I got to go. I'll see you later?" We exchanged our goodbyes and went our seperate directions. Boring. You're not showing me anything of interest abut your chracter. Not to mention you never squish dialogue into one paragraph. Remember the basics - every time a new character starts speaking, new line.

Most of the clubs, groups, or electives I found uninteresting or too physically demanding of me because I wasn't very big. There were things like Football, Soccor soccer , Baseball, Wrestling, and others. I wouldn't totally suck but I wouldn't exel in any of them either so I didn't bother. But I had to pick at least 3 ways to spend my time besides my regular schedule. I began to sift through the choices in my head. There was a book club. As soon as I saw that I signed up immediately. I loved books. I loved everything about them Well, show me you like them, make me feel the passion you have for books too. I mean, read over the lastcouple of sentences. See what you're doing? Yeah, they are all very short, very plain statements. It's as if inside every book are new and exciting characters, a new world, a new universe! They're so unpredictable. The moment I picked up a book and began to read my mind would become a canvas and detailed and adventure filled pictures would fill it as quickly as water flows from a waterfall This last sentnece just proved to me you DO know what imagery and literary effects are. Now, practice using them much more often and you'll be fine . I read a lot. My room is filled with books. I read them to get away from my boring, uneventful life. I began to look through the list again. I figured that it might be interesting to join the school newspaper. I signed up for that too, I was about to sign up for a gardening and landscaping club in the hope that we would install a pond or two b] Now would be a good time to mention why you'd like ponds installed? [/b]. Beside reading, there aren't that many things on this earth that I enjoy, but I am very relaxed when I see still water. Just a silent, still, pond so still that it looks like a sheet of glass. I find that very relaxing. But I never signed up for that club, because I looked at the other names on the list and I saw a name. written in terrible handwriting was the name "Mike Liller". Too long a paragraph, for my liking. Long paragraphs are difficult to read - break them down so it's easier on the reader.

As I said before, I don't have any problems with anybody at school comma but Mike Liller was a different story. It's not that I don't like him. Hhe's fine, but there is just something about him that makes me uneasy. I cant put my finger on it but whenever Ii'm in his prescence I can feel myself getting lightheaded and dizzy. It's strange and I try to avoid him as much as possible. I prayed to God that I wouldn't have any classes with him. But it seemed that God wasn't listening, because I had three. Algebra, Science, and Shop, my least favorite classes. At least we didnt share any electives. Aand I only had shop for the first quarter of the school year so that was good news. I didnt chose another elective so lucky me Ii got stuck with French. Watch your spelling and typos. [/b]

Well, the first day of school came and went. I decided to walk home that day so I could stop at the bookstore. I went there almost every night to discuss literature with the owner, Mr. McFowen. I actually learned more than discussed. He taught me about both ancient and modern pieces of literature and their authors. Mr. McFowen was a good natured and relatively jolly old man in his late sixty's. He is incredibly nimble for his old age. He is probably my closest and most valued friend. Read over the last three sentences. If you want me to picture this new character, then re-write the description of him; you're stating facts again.

"Just got a new shipment in this morning sonny! Take a look!" As I looked through the box of old and dusty, but still interesting books, he continued on."So how was your first day? No problems Ii hope?" I replied briefly, "It was fine. Just another day. As to the second, you know I never do." And he did. But lately he had just been asking about problems more and more, like he was expecting something. Once again, remembe the new line per new speaker rule.

So, after a few weeks at school Mr. McFowen got his wish. It all started on my way out of the shop room. I had stayed behind to ask the teacher a question after everybody else had left. After I got a satisfying answer, I left the room. In the hallway was Mike Liller. The taller black haired boy was standing right in front of me blocking my path.

"Lou, we need to talk." He began. " What about?" I asked suspiciously,starting to get that same drunken feeling that I got whenever I was around him. "Listen, this is very important" he said slowly as he reached his hand into his bag. As he did this, he seemed to step toward me. "This is for your own good" Out of his bag he pulled a strange mirror. The design reminded me of something but I coudn't put my finger on it. He pulled it toward me and I totally lost it. I can't remember for sure how it all happened because of the incredible amounts of adrenaline coursing through my viens Adrenaline? Why that? From your previous mentions of the guy I'd have thought Lou was more scared of him than anything.. I couldn't even see straight, but one thing I was well aware of was the impact of a fist on a face. What scared me though, was that it my fist on his face. They were the strong, well placed blows of a man who had fought many enemies in his life. What scared me even more was that I had no control over it. I was a mess, just sitting on top of him feeling his warm blood on my hands as I beat him. Tears came to my eyes as I tried even harder to stop, screaming as loud as I could. Finally all my strength had deserted me as I fell onto my back crying loudly. I'm not going to mention the long paragraphs or the new line per speaker thing in detail. I don't like being repetetive.

The next thing I knew I was being carried away. I heard voices that sounded far away as my hearing returned, but I didn't care anymore, it didn't matter who was carrying me away or where they would take me. I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. Ok, interesting ending. This last paragraph was quite good too.

This story was really great! I really liked the part at the end where it keeps you in suspence on what happend! I can't wait untill the next chapter comes out. I can't really think of anything that I disliked.