As tattered Nikes slam against the track
with well thought, fast, and unforgiving stride
I race to shake the target from my back
the pace assured to leave the pack behind
With well thought, fast, and unforgiving stride
rid your mind of doubt, belittled skills
the pace assured to leave the pack behind
tear through the wind and conquer broken hills
Rid your mind of doubt, belittled skills!
Refuse to turn to others pushing near
tear through the wind and conquer broken hills
while passing, find your faith disposed of fear
Refuse to turn to others pushing near
with deeper breaths force forward weary legs
while passing, find your faith disposed of fear
and cherish burning thighs, unleash your rage
With deeper breaths force forward weary legs
now drowning competition, left destroyed
and cherish burning thighs, unleash your rage
til relentless thoughts of pain are numb and void
Now drowning competition, left destroyed
I race to shake the target from my back
til relentless thoughts of pain are numb and void
as tattered Nikes slam against the track
Oh wow, thank you guys for the great compliments; they have me grinning madly :]
This, by the way, was my attempt to write something in Pantoum form (no, no, it's not a form that I made up or could ever take credit for)... just something I thought was crazy-intriguing when I first saw it. It was really, really cool writing my own though.
At first, I was confused by the repetition. Then I remembered that I did a poem like this a long time ago for school. Given the constraints, I thought you did a great job. I'd love to see some of your less-restricted work though. I bet it's even better. Keep writing! 
First of all, allow me to welcome you to YWS. I'm Rick. After you get 25 reviews, you can access the YWS chat. Also, you need atleast two reviews before posting your own work. I see that you've done this. Good job!
The crit: Amazing. I absolutly love the rhythm and rhyming in this piece. I also love how you described a a racer determained to win a track race. Very good job. Keep up the good work!
-Rick.
Oh wow, I REALLY love the repetition you used. At first I thought you were always repeating line two of each stanza on purpose (with the exception of the last stanza), but after I read the whole thing I understand why.
Really creative--I have to give you credit for that. It's like a circular poem and I like how you started and ended your poem with something simple.
"as tattered Nikes slam against the track."
Powerful word choice, too. Slam fits perfectly.
Fabulous work. A total gold star. Good job. :]
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