Young Writers Society

Hey Ash. ♥ I think this is the first time I've reviewed you. I normally do poetry, but hey! Let's shake things up.

Right off the bat, I found a weak form of description that's really popular in, say, roleplaying, but doesn't work in concrete fiction. That form is

The smaller boy had what appeared to be wings

Hey, lovely! So, let's get to reviewing.

To begin with, I'd like to say that it sounds interesting, but it feels like you just plopped me down in the middle of a story, not the beginning. There's really no hook to get a reader interested - I don't feel compelled to keep reading past the first paragraph. Also, the rest of the scene seems kind of out of place; I have no basis for who these people are, how they usually act, or what kind of lives they have, so I have no reason to be interested in what goes on in their lives - that's where the writer comes in. It's your job to make people interested in your characters and the story you have to tell.

Also, your writing style is very repetitive, which can cause a reader to distance themselves from the work. Not every line of dialogue needs a dialogue tag - "he said", "he pointed out", "he told him", etc. - and by adding one to every line of dialogue, you lose out on a chance to mix up the style, and every sentence feels the same. Their dialogue is very repetitive, too, and it feels like they're just going back-and-forth nonstop in this monotone voice, and for whatever reason, when I read this in my head, they both have the same speaking voice. Little mannerisms in their talking and actions can fix this, giving each character their own presence and reality. Different characters will have different ways of saying the same thing, too, but it feels like these two say everything the same way, perhaps because their speaking voices don't vary.

And a quick thing on words - "quipped" implies sarcasm or dry wit, not eagerness or excitement. When I read "the taller boy quipped", I thought originally that he didn't believe it and he was drawling it, like he didn't believe that Cedric could have done it, or something like that. You also use the word "male" in the second sentence, and it feels very out of place. Your vocabulary seems to be good, but you don't quite recognize the connotation of the words you use, or how awkward they make your sentences sound; "embarrassment" would work just as well in the place of "embarrassed expression", for example, and "his lips parted some" is a better descriptor than "his mouth partially opened".

I find your description rather lacking as well. To begin with, I have no clue who these boys are - well, a few sentences in, I know they're Erin and Cedric, and one's taller than the other, and the second sentence I know that one of them has wings and one of them has a tail, but I honestly have trouble keeping them straight (pun intended), which might be something to do with the style issue above. I have no idea what they look like or act like (and it's great if you don't infodump on looks or anything, but even a little throwaway thing every few paragraphs would be something for your readers to hang on to). I don't know if one of them has purple hair and electroblue eyes or what. I have no idea what the place they're walking in looks like, so I'm going to imagine magma fields - oh, wait, there are trees, because there's a treehouse. So magma fields with magma trees, and a treehouse made of magma wood. Honestly, if I have to imagine every single little thing in your setting because there's no description besides "there's a tree with a treehouse in it, and the treehouse has a couch", then I think something needs to change.

Sticking with the description issue. I have no idea what the treehouse looks like, except "cute", which is completely subjective, so it is now a miniature of a Victorian mansion stuck in the top of a super-tall oak tree. I have no idea what the outside looks like, if it's blue or gold or pink or purple or black, or what the inside looks like, how it's furnished, anything like that (except the couch). I don't know how tall the tree is or how long they had to climb the ladder or anything at all, and it's really bad to have your reader questioning "do I know anything?"

Also, the wings and tail don't get in the way? No awkward shuffle of "here, let me get my wings through this door"? No subconscious fidgeting with them? Nothing? It's a great opportunity for characterization.

Basically, to end it, I have no idea who your characters are or what they look like or where they are or what they do in their everyday lives, and all they really do is climb into a tree house and make out. I have nothing against climbing into tree houses and making out, but if this is a prologue - which, by the way, it really isn't, because it doesn't provide vital information on the story that could not be worked in later - it's supposed to catch the reader's eye and make them want to keep reading, because a lot of people, after reading the blurb, will flip to the front page to see how the author writes, and reading your first couple of paragraphs honestly does not promise any kind of story, even just a fluffy love story (which I would totally be up to read).

However, I'm not saying "it sucks, give up" - I'm saying, "you should probably improve on this", and I'd really like to see how your writing style develops. I want to be invested in this story, but there's nothing here that's grabbing me in; there's no conflict and no plot, and even the fluffiest of stories needs a plot.

Hope this helps, lovely, and keep on writing!