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Young Writers Society


16+ Mature Content

The Veil - Chapter 12

by megsug


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

The world was quiet for Lekan. These hours in the early morning, after he had finally managed to tear himself out of his nightmares about Valod, the country he would be going to, were the worst. His friends were incredibly unhelpful. They whispered stories of men drinking wine out of their enemies’ skulls. While the people had a similar ancestry as Niditians- they spoke the same language after all- the split was obvious. Valodians were said to be barbarians.

Lekan had no wish to know what they would do to people they found spying in their country.

These hours, which ticked by so slowly as he watched the window for the first hint of light, were the ones where he couldn’t hide from himself. He had no distractions to lure his attention away from a future that wasn’t looking very long.

He’d taken up reading, but he had to have light for that, and he didn’t want that light sneaking through the crack under his door. He wasn’t sure why he didn’t want anyone, not even the servants to know he wasn’t sleeping as if nothing was looming over him like an ax blade. There was some kind of shame involved that he knew was ridiculous. That didn’t seem to matter though.

He opened the doors to the balcony and stepped into the cool darkness, a book of sappy poetry under his arm. He’d always assumed if he ever started reading- which was a laughable idea- he’d read novels with adventure. It had been out of a desperate need to condescendingly laugh at something two nights ago that he’d picked up the poetry book off of the shelf at all. Needless to say, he hadn’t laughed. Swinging himself up with practiced ease, he used statues and trellises on the wall to clamber up to the roof. It was made of tile and, if he could make it up the steep slope, where a peak should be was flat and wide enough for him to sit on with comfort. He’d been climbing up there since he was a kid, hiding from his father.

He wondered what he was hiding from now.

Closing his eyes, he turned his face to the wind and imagined that it was wiping his brain clean. All the worries and fears were blown away, so he could start the day with a carefree smile and a laugh.

Even when he was younger, he had always marveled at how much of a difference a few feet made. The world seemed quiet and orderly from the roof.

Lekan raised an eyebrow as he saw the family car pull up to the front of the house. It also astonished him how few people cared to look up. It was easy to observe everything from here. Frowning, he leaned forward as Obi hurried out the door and watched the car drive away towards the palace.

He ignored the part of himself that sang hope. His uncle was going to work a deal with Rofulo, perhaps? He shook his head. It was better not to predict anything. It was much easier to look like he didn’t care if he didn’t expect anything.

Quieting his mind again, he watched the sun rise slowly and opened his poetry book to where he’d left off the day before.

Before long, the wild, devil-may-care Lekan wouldn’t even be a mask.

.~.~.

When the temple gong rang six times, he returned to his room. Normally, he lounged about, waiting for an appropriate time for an irresponsible young man to wake, but his skin seemed to vibrate. It was like his body sense the clock ticking down and buzzed with restlessness. How could he spend the morning doing nothing? He had no time to waste.

His mind wandered to Qui as he dressed quickly. She’d said she would find him. He grinned at the thought of her surprised face when she opened the door to see him. He chuckled to himself.

Qui’s address was no secret. A common dare among the younger men was to knock on her room’s door. No one Lekan knew had ever done it.

He left his room, grabbing the deck of cards Obi had given him on a whim, and jogged down the stairs, going through the back door to the outside. He stopped and went back in, grinning at the keys hanging on their designated peg. Obi must’ve gotten back without him realizing. Glancing around, Lekan stole the keys and left.

No one was in the streets other than the milk man and newsboys. Relishing the hum of the car, Lekan took advantage of the empty roads, speeding down residential streets. He barely had time to consider exactly what he was doing.

What if she was with a client?

He couldn’t quite stop himself from imagining the embarrassed horror of that moment. He then pondered exactly what kind of man wasn’t getting enough sex at home that he would have to wake up at this ungodly hour to get some.

Parking in front of the hotel, he made his way confidently into the lounge, smiling at the clerk who nodded back. Part of Qui’s allure was the fact that men had to come to her. The fact that she could afford a hotel room every night was just a statement to how talented she was. He took the elevator to the ninth floor, humming. Counting doors to the thirty second, he knocked and waited, wishing he had thought to bring some flowers. It would have been a charming touch.

He frowned when no one answered the door. Knocking again, he stood back and double checked his surroundings. He knew he was in the right place because he’d gotten this far three years ago when he and his friends had drunk a little too much. Fortunately, he’d never managed to knock and had run away instead.

Was this a decoy room to stave off stupid young men?

Or perhaps Qui’in was off doing some early morning shopping.

He sat in front of the door, smiling pleasantly at a lady who was passing, distain evident on her face. This would do for a surprise, he supposed.


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Wed Apr 08, 2015 5:21 pm
Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Heya sugar,pretzelsing here for a review of the next chapter of you book.YAY!This chapter,like all of them was so great!<3
Anyways,let's begin,shall we?

They whispered stories of men drinking wine out of their enemies’ skulls.


Eww, this is unrealistic and over exaggerated, something Lekan's friends would totally say ;).This practically summed up the brutality and cruelty of the Valodians.So positively yes stamp from me :D!

He’d taken up reading,


I think you could maybe rephrase this and write:
He had taken a liking to reading
He had started to read
Or any other creative sentence that you could think of. ^_^

I just feel like "taken up" isn't exactly the right phrase for this.

These hours, which ticked by so slowly as he watched the window for the first hint of light, were the ones where he couldn’t hide from himself.


IDK why but I felt like you should just add in here how maybe Lekan had a old-fashioned clock that tick-tocked on every second.I have one of those at my house and they are quite quaint.Or maybe Lekan has a cuckoo-clock where a bird pops out every hour of the night.That is just some really cute suggestions that you might want to incorporate into this chapter.

not even the servants to know he wasn’t sleeping as if nothing was looming over him like an ax blade.


Were the servants awake at this early hour? It seems to me like only Obi was out and the chaffeur drove him,and Conya woke Obi up, but what about the other servants. Are they even close to Lekan's room?

Parking in front of the hotel, he made his way confidently into the lounge, smiling at the clerk who nodded back


Why was Lekan so confident about this, when he had doubts,didn't know what he was doing, and he was imagining a possible interruption? That just doesn't seem like he would act confident,if you see what I mean,sugar.
He sat in front of the door, smiling pleasantly at a lady who was passing, distain evident on her face. This would do for a surprise, he supposed.


I love this last quote,great way to finish things off and a skillful cliffhanger in anticipation of a surprise. Also kind of minor, but you have a typo. "distain" should be spelled "disdain".

Now onto the general.Hmm, it seems like Lekan has another side of him, a more poetry-loving and bold person who didn't want to be idle that morning.I like that other side of his personality,almost vulnerability.So charming of him to want to bring flowers to Qui <3

I would like for you to describe the view that he had from the top of the roof. What did he see? The whole block? Streets below? Maybe the height of the building would add some perspective in our minds. Also, sorry,but I had to ask, isn't it a little bit chilly in the early morning hours outside in the cold?Is Lekan wearing a sweater or just pajamas?(which signifies the temperature there)These little things are important to the bigger picture.

Qui, I wonder where she is and I can't wait to read her interaction with Lekan. It will probably be so cute!

Valodians,so what I understand from them is that they are from the same race/blood as the Niditians(Lekan's people) but different because they are barbarians. I am wondering,and maybe Lekan should wonder this too: What caused the feud between these two countries?What happened that they are so mad at each other? I think that it would be useful for Lekan to know some background information about their history and land(geography,climate,culture,etc.)I would like to know this too <,<

Anyways,that's it from me. I hope that this review helps you improve your writing!

KEEP ON WRITING!
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Sun Aug 10, 2014 6:46 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

These hours in the early morning, after he had finally managed to tear himself out of his nightmares about Valod, the country he would be going to, were the worst.

You have an unfinished thought here. You mention here in this sentence that the hours of the early morning were the worst for Lekan. But then you don't expand upon that. Why exactly are these hours the worst? You jump right into how his friends aren't helping him stop worrying about going away, which is nice, but in the mean time I'm left wondering why Lekan doesn't like the morning. I see a few paragraphs down that you explain what happens in the early morning, but I think that should be up to right after this paragraph. Save the part about his friends being no help until later.

It was nice to see more of Lekan in this chapter. Up until now, we only got to see bits and pieces of his life since most of the story has been focused on Obi. Now we learn all about him and his insecurities. I find it interesting that he doesn't want any of servants to know that he hasn't been sleeping well and that he likes to read. It must all be about keeping up that mask he wears. It always amazes me how far people will go to become someone they think people will like and want to be around.

I constantly have to remind myself that Lekan doesn't know that Qui made that deal with Obi to train him to become a spy. I just always think that he's getting together with Qui to train or whatever. One thing I'm not completely sure of though, is what Lekan wants out of Qui. Okay, I'm not naive here, I know what he wants from Qui. It's just not very apparent, really. We haven't read about how much he desires to be with Qui. The next time you write in Lekan's POV would be a great opportunity to dive into that part of his thoughts and feelings.

Alrighty then, I'm onto the next part of this chapter! I can't wait to see Qui's reaction when she gets back and sees Lekan there xD

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Fri Aug 01, 2014 1:55 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Heya Meg!

Oh wow. I like this. We're getting to see that Lekan does have a mind. He likes solitude and being up high and distancing himself from everyone else. He is scared of his sealed fate. He is actually human! I love seeing it and knowing that he is just putting a mask on every day. I wonder why he chooses to wear the mask and not just be himself? Does he feel pressured to fit some type of stereotype? Does he know the only way he manages to get through any day is to pretend to be a confident and forwards person, not caring about anything? I love seeing this side of his personality, but I am curious to know his reasons for not always just being himself. I also think it's so nice of him to go to Qui's, but a shame that he has totally thrown the discretion side of things out of the window ^^ I wonder what she'll do if he finds him there.

Lekan is reading poetry at the moment, hm? Seeing as I like reading poetry and am a fan of authors who manage to incorporate in there somehow, it would be awesome to see some quotes. Maybe he reads a line or something and it reflects on his current thoughts. Or maybe a line stood out from the reading he did yesterday and that made him want to come back to it today. Or something. ^^ It would just be a nice touch.

These hours in the early morning, after he had finally managed to tear himself out of his nightmares about Valod, the country he would be going to, were the worst.


Hm, I felt like this sentence was a bit too disjointed with all those commas in it. My advice would be to make it into two sentences. If you do that, hopefully it will be easier to get to the meaning as well. Because honestly, this sentence confused me for quite the while. So, something like: These hours in the early morning were the worst. He always ended up tearing himself out of nightmares about Valod, the country he would be going to. This is just by way of example :)

While the people had a similar ancestry as Niditians-


It sure does help to know who the Niditians are ;) I don't think you've brought them up before. I'm assuming it's just where they're from?

He wasn’t sure why he didn’t want anyone, not even the servants to know he wasn’t sleeping as if nothing was looming over him like an ax blade.


In my opinion, this sentence didn't make sense, especially towards the end. How about: ...not even the servants to know he wasn't sleeping. He tried to make it seem as if nothing was looming over him like an ax blade.

I just think having the whole 'wasn't sleep as if nothing was looming' doesn't work well together.

I am going to end here because I am utterly exhausted and am worried that what I've been saying has stopped making sense. Just know that this was a great chapter and I like how you focused more on Lekan's character.

Deanie x




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Sun Jul 27, 2014 11:45 pm
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Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hey Meg.

Haven't read previous parts; simply going off what I see here.

So, the first thing that struck me here was a lot of past perfect: had. There was also a fair chunk of that along with to be verbs, both of which need to be cleared up to get a slightly more immediate feel to the scene itself. The problem with had, in particular, is it gives distance to the reader. Things aren't happening "immediately" and, as a result, are a bit drier. Once you switched to regular past tense, the scene flowed along better.

Past that, you actually had some decent characterization. The scene progressed forward once you got out of had territory, and I was able to get a glimpse into his life. The line about what he was hiding from now was curious, and the fact he read poetry was also interesting.

Later on, you add another word that produces distance: seemed. While it appears to be a good word to get similes in place, it makes it difficult for me to feel things about the actual surroundings. Simply saying "his skin felt like it was vibrating" is much stronger instead of "seemed". The latter is a slightly less believable illusion.

Overall, it's interesting and I'm curious. It's just a little distant for me.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey




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Wed Jul 23, 2014 4:49 am
Snowery wrote a review...



Megsy!! Another chapter to be gobbled up!

So... who are the Niditians? I don't believe you've mentioned them before. I can only assume it's the land this story is set in? That's probably my only nitpick here :)

As usual your chapter made me smile because you weave humour through it so well. I've noticed that these past couple of chapter parts you've been trying to include more and more information on the setting, which I think is wonderful. I really like that we got to revisit Lekan's point of view, I feel that it's been a while since we last saw through his eyes. I'm also really glad that you showed him being nervous about the mission. I felt that up till now there hasn't really been enough of that, not really much mention of the spy mission except in regards to Lekan's training, so it's good to see it now. I feel like every chapter is an improvement and I always feel bad about my lack of things to say :/ but honestly I really like your story.

Keep it up and happy writing! :D :D

Silverlock





A thing of beauty is a joy forever; its loveliness increases...
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