z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Present Does not Fix the Past: Chaper II

by Mersize


Chapter II: Solitude is the best society.

The second week made its appearance and it was pretty much the same for Seiji. He was making a deeper study on his researches; he was ready for the second week. His classmates had already made their own friends; the crowd was already divided into distinct groups, although he did not belong to any of those ones. He was by his own; he did not care, though. On Monday, Seiji realized about all of this and he said some things to himself (he realized that he was excluded by the other groups).

“After undergoing the whole school and high school alone, I think I should take into account making some friends, (Laughs) what the heck am I saying? Being alone is the best thing ever, no friends no distractions. I am bleak,” Seiji said.

“My mom was right I should definitely get a job; I need some money so that I can go on (start) with my X-fly. I will take into account that as well,” Seiji thought.

This meant that he was going to take into consideration both, making new friends and getting a job. Middle-week came and everything seemed perfect according to Seiji. On Wednesday, at lunch time, he decided to have his lunch in the field, outdoors, and there were the Advanced Students and also there was Ragknaro, they did not either show up at classes at the beginning or now. Ragknaro by that time was conformed by 7 students and there were the advanced ones who wanted to reach an agreement with Ragknaro. They chatted for a long time and it seemed that they reached the agreement, so by that time they were 16 members. They conserved the name “Ragknaro”.

They loved bullying other boys from 1st and 2nd year. After the agreement, they saw Seiji having lunch anole and they decided to walk by him and meet him. As they met him, they quickly learned that he was a loner. As long as they found out about that, they slapped him on his forehead, the bullying has begun. Seiji did not feel any comfortable at all, but he could not do a damn thing to stop them from hurting him; he just sucked it up. Later that day, he wanted to wee-wee so bad and something took him by surprise… The Ragknaro guys were there.

“Look guys, I am aware that you love bullying students from under years than you, and let me tell you that I do not mess with anyone here; therefore, there is no reason to be messing with me,” Seiji said.

(They all burst into laughing) “Are you kidding, brat? We mess with whoever we want. As a consequence for being such a stupid, you are going to be our principal child to bother,” Ragknaro leader said.

16 members Ragknaro had, all of them education did not have, and an insane attitude and mind they did not either have. As soon as Ragknaro leader clarified that fact, he gave orders to catch Seiji and do not let him go. Seiji tried to flee even though they were many guys; they caught him and took him down. Seiji’s heart started to beat faster; he felt that danger was over him; affliction had gotten him. Some Ragknaro guys grabbed and lifted him up. He could not even move; he gave up.

“Let go of me! Let go of me! Let go of me! Put me down,” Seiji screamed.

Ragknaro aggressively put his head in the toilet and made him to feel that gross thing; he could not avoid drinking water from it; he was drowning, he could stop it from occurring. The whole Ragknaro group left the restroom quite quickly and acted like there was nothing going on. Seiji went through a really bad situation in there. Those guys deserve to be punished, their bullying is beyond bullying. They wiped him out, no literally. He was weeping a lot, and that is something he, beyond question, would do after receiving that horrible and abusing mistreatment.

Seiji was not the only one suffering this abusing thing, there were other students as well. Seiji stayed there, wholly wet. He was asking himself why it had happened to him. He added that the college was so weird, but then he realized that he was the weird guy. Suddenly, Seiji heard some voices coming from around. It seemed like two guys, next to Seiji, were having a conversation.

“Hey! This guys over abused, huh? I guess they did the same that they did to us, right Tyreese?” First guy said.

“Yes, they did. I tell you the stuff from this one does not taste good at all,” Tyreese said.

“Oh! Shut up that is gross, indeed,” Seiji said.

There were other two guys, aside from Seiji, who were also receiving those mankind actions. The three of them got out of the cubicles and introduced themselves. It was not a good introduction since they all stank.

“Hey! According to the hospital, my birth certification and my parents I am a human being that bears a typical name which is Tom and this is Tyreese,” Tom said.

“Nice to meet you guys,” Seiji said.

“Hey Tyreese and I have seen you in History class, you are the forever alone guy, right?” Tom said.

“Yeah, that is why you looked so familiar,” Tyreese said.

“Excuse me, did you just say “the forever alone guy”? (Thinks) Never mind! The nickname that you have established is quite relatable, I am a loner,” Seiji said.

Seiji was completely desolated. After introducing and chattering for a while, Seiji just turned around and started walking out the bathroom. When all of a sudden both Tom and Tyreese asked him where he was going.

“I am out of this place, I have to continue working on my X-fly,” Seiji said. (Bluffing)

“Are you going to continue working on thy what?” Tom and Tyreese asked.

“My… you know what? Let’s just forget about it,” Seiji said.

“Okay,” Tom and Tyreese said. (Disinterested)

“What are we going to do about those guys?” Tyreese asked.

“I think we should let them whatever the hell on earth they want, I mean there is nothing we can do, right?” Tom said.

“I dread to admit it, but Tom is right,” Seiji said.

After all they underwent that day; they decided not to do anything about it. It meant that they were going to be bullied whenever those guys were around. Seiji was not interested in doing anything about it; he was just interested in his X-fly (He had not even started) and college. Seiji was accustomed to the fact that he was never going to have any friends. He had never had one friend ever. And he knew that he was going to keep that up hereafter like before.

“So I guess I will see you around guys,” Seiji said. (He left)


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233 Reviews


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Sun Jun 29, 2014 6:43 pm
Cithara wrote a review...



Thewriter13 here on such a lovely Review Day to give you a review! So I'm having this problem where I read the second, third, or LAST chapter of amazing stories and then I want to read even more afterwards. Same goes for this lovely story ;)
I'm confused on this: "Chapter II: Solitude is the best society." Is this the chapter title? Because not all of it is capitalized so perhaps it's not, I don't know :D But I like how you added that in there.
Um, so I'm reading this and I'm wondering why you're including parenthesis in this chapter. Are they really necessary? But please excuse this as I haven't read the other chapters. Perhaps this is how the narrator is and this is a character quirk ;)
But it still kind of bothered me.
Okay on to nitpicks:
"He was by his own; he did not care, though." I think you need to reword this as some of it doesn't make sense. Did you mean "He was on his own"? Or you could write "He was by himself." I dunno, that just sounds better to me.
Also, maybe this is another character quirk...but writers should always write out numbers. 7 should be seven, 16 should be sixteen. It's just a rule. *don't go breaking it* :D
They conserved the name “Ragknaro”. Here the quotation should go AFTER the period. Probably a typo; just look out for those when you review.
It seems the character's dialogue is a bit...interesting. This is a kid, so maybe contractions for his dialogue might make him seem more like a child...but perhaps that is just how he is.

“Are you kidding, brat? We mess with whoever we want. As a consequence for being such a stupid, you are going to be our principal child to bother,” Ragknaro leader said.

I don't know why, but these sentences just don't seem realistic to me. The leader is gonna say ALL that? And with such eloquence to. I guess I'm thinking of clichés right now, where the leader is usually misguided and stupid sounding.

Wolfare1 has mentioned a lot of what I noticed as well, so I'm not going to do that.
I will stress that you need to work on showing not telling...use imagery, description. Make me sit there and experience everything that is happening! I like it so far, but it needs some work.
Keep writing!

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Mon Jun 23, 2014 3:45 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello Mersize, Wolf here *finally* for a promised review.

So I'll do a few nitpicks first:

He was by his own; he did not care, though.

Two things:
First, the first part of this sentence doesn't make much sense to me. There are a few ways to fix this, once way could be to replace 'his own' with 'himself'. I see this a lot throughout this chapter. The wording is really odd and interrupts the flow, since I have to go back and really think about what was trying to be said. Here's another example:
16 members Ragknaro had, all of them education did not have, and an insane attitude and mind they did not either have.

Everything seems backwards here (and I'm not even sure this is grammatically correct). Also, the very last part is kind of confusing as well. "Minds they did not either have?" I don't understand what this is supposed to mean, but I kind of assume it's meant that they don't think about what they do, they just listen to their 'leader.' It would make much more sense looking like this:
"Ragknaro had sixteen members, all of which have little education, insane attitudes, and no way of thinking for themselves."

Second, I notice a lot, a lot, a lot of semicolons throughout this, and eventually it got a bit overused. Most readers don't really like seeing semicolons instead of periods, just because it seems unnecessary, and to be honest, they are. Find different ways to connect sentences to make things less choppy.

I've mentioned this before, I know, but basically this entire thing is just telling, not showing. We are told exactly what he does. We are told exactly what this group is about. We are told exactly what thier motives are. How does Senji know all this? Is he some giant omniscient being that knows everything? Be sure to show us this information. Here is a really good article that helps with showing not telling. {Click on article.}

Finally, I want to go into one more technical thing. Personally, I don't like when writers use parenthesis, because it just doesn't look professional. To be honest, I can't recall any one book that uses parenthesis. It's really easy to add in those little things put in those marks, without using them. Oh, one more thing, I've mentioned this before, but whenever someone is thinking, it's not usually in quotation marks, instead it is in italics.

I really like this plot, since I'm interested in know how he's going to go about making that machine, and what kind of research he's done. Thought, be careful not to fall too deep into the cliches associated with time travel. I'm sorry if I sounded harsh or offended you. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare





grammar is hard and i dislike it immensely
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