Young Writers Society

Hey there, fiend! I am not letting you run away from me for good~ Haha, let's see what I can do for you and this lovely essay!

So, on a smaller level, here are some comments I had:

Couple of typos toward the beginning. The first is that "peculiarly" should be peculiarity (to be a noun, right now it's an adjective -- ity vs. ly), and toward the end of that paragraph, you mean "jumping and up and down", right? Haha.

And then one more glaring point toward the end:

while Simon the fool adds little surprises to each dance, even to the dancers.

Simon adds little surprises to the dancers, too? Haha, this is a problem of parallel application of the sentence. If you write a sentence like "I like to dance, and to swim, too," we know that it means you like to dance AND you like to swim. The subject and main verb get applied to the two separate parts remaining. But your intention was to write a sentence that meant "he adds little surprises to each dance. The surprises are surprises even to the other dancers, not just the audience". So you can easily fix this up by saying "he adds little surprises to each dance, which are surprises even to the dancers", and that should get across most of the meaning you want without being too clunky.

Now, for a general swooping review over the material as a whole, I would like to agree with the reviewer below me that your first paragraph is awesome at capturing attention. It has a lively voice, a clear message, and readers always like that. Haha, but it kind of feels like you tricked us! Instead of telling us about how wacky the dancers are, and what makes you feel so special to be a part of them, you go into a pretty dry description of the different people you've danced under.

I get the feeling that you want to share the nitty gritty technical information of what it takes to be a dancer AND the feeling that you get as a part of this company, but they don't seem to be working too well together. I would suggest, then, trying to write each of them separately! Why not write one essay purely about the feeling you get from dancing, and another explaining your history / situation pretty technically.

If so inclined, after you have all this writing done, you could even try working on a way to edit them together after finding a common point that they can work around. That's the other thing it felt like this piece was missing: a common point that every paragraph goes to supporting in some way. And that was missing because you didn't keep your point from the first paragraph.

I hope these thoughts help you out!
PM or reply if you have any questions~
Good luck and keep writing!

Hannah