Young Writers Society

This poem is great.

It has lots of description and imagery, and the theme is used throughout all parts. Superb job.

Although, I recommend breaking up into another stanza here:

"cold and pasty.

I remember your touch."

This part goes into a completely different piece and although the two are connected, it's a different thought and simply throwing the reader into this is a bit much. Creating a stanza will help signify where your thoughts change easier.

"was left alone.

Now I spend my mornings"

A stanza should also be created here, as this is a shift in time. It also will put the reader off guard if you do not create a stanza here.

Overall, I really enjoyed this poem. The idea of the viaduct was very well thought out and very meaningful. Might I ask your inspiration?

Anyways, great job, and as always, keep writing!

Your breath blew through your lips

like the crisp autumn breeze and I

was left alone.

Now I spend my mornings

meandering around these forgotten

fields, with warped memories and

a burning desire to forget you.

Retro!

I am super excited about this piece. When we last spoke (or I guess, when I last ventured to your corner of the webs!) I asked for a bit more authenticity and a bit more of an individualized look into your world, and I feel like I got that in this piece. I think it could use a *little* bit more of that, but I feel like this piece is eons, eons, better than the love at first sight one! It is a pleasure to see you writing so regularly, and to see the growth between these pieces that only get better and better.

So! Let me dive into this. I say, you had me for the first 20-lines or so! It was a great scene opener, I dig the imagery, I think could've used a bit more vividness particularly on the tactile-front. I'll explain:

Sight-wise, we've got the red viaduct and the brown morhen, this is rich enough for me, we're square. (I mean, goodness I had to google what a morhen was! What lovely words!) and they really work well together to paint a picture of a particular environment, love those choices. And we even get a little bit sound-wise with the "drips" of the water, and that was enough for me here.

Touch-wise, so the poem opens up "run my fingers" so I wanted a bit more of that tactile element woven in stronger, especially considering the theme of the poem and such lines like "I remember your touch" and "the grout sticks to my fingers." I think you can enhance this tactile sensation further, so like when you have lines like "I run my fingers between the gaps of the red bricks", how would such a line play out from the point of view of the finger?

Rough, uneven bricks, dusty, crumbling pieces that cling to any space or empty gap between your prints, trying to fill them in. do you see how viewing it at this angle manages to become a metaphor for the love described in the poem?

A great way to strengthen a piece and really make it polish is to highlight things in just the right places so as to develop multiple things at once, in this case, your theme! Just as you open up the theme with touch, it also becomes the climax of this piece, it was her skeletal hand wrapped around the speaker's that he mistook for love: This is all touch! This is ALSO the internal conflict moment and where the emotions are going to pick up for the speaker. You lose the touch element from there up to the end, I might suggest to bring it back to tie this piece together better, and also, I think if you look at enhancing the tactile elements, it would strongly improve this.

Granted, the progression of this isn't necessarily bad as it is right now, it's just not altogether interesting. The beginning -- very interesting! The conflict - very interesting!

Your kiss,

like the viaduct,

was vast and mighty

and impressive and breathtaking;

but so cold and empty.