Once upon a time
there were three little girls.
Each of them interacted with society.
The first one
was called names.
She cut the names
into her body, engraving it
before she died.
The second one was told
to kill herself.
She later jumped off
the pretty bridge and crashed
like waves into the river,
the one near
her house.
The third one was kilt
after rebelling against
society
-pleading them
to stop judging
and hurting.
After
the three little girls died,
society blamed
each other,
then soon forgot
and lived happily ever after.
You have just succeeded in summing up the evil of society in one short poem. I am totally bowled over. I liked the style, and the way you sort of subtly mock fairy tales. One question though. Why did you spell 'killed' as 'kilt'? Was this deliberate?
Anyway, good job.
This is a very interesting poem you've got here... but I like it! I'm not much of a poem reviewer, but I'll try for Review Day! Go Reviewlution!
like waves into the river,
the one near
her house.
and lived happily ever after.
Depressing, but accurate. The last bit in particular is extremely dark, but it's true. And because it's true I like that you use the "happily ever after" of fairytales but use it for society instead of the fairytales MCs as usually happens.
I would like a little more vivid imagery from this, though. Take a look at the first stanza vs the second, for example:
She cut the names
into her body, engraving it
She later jumped off
the pretty bridge and crashed
like waves into the river
I'll definitely revise my work before posting it next time hahaHey, this is really good and I hope I can leave a good review that will help improve your writing.
I like the idea behind this, I really do, and whilst it is simple it still evokes some sort of emotion. However, I do feel that you can really paint a wonderful image and evoke even more emotion.
Of course this is all up to you, and you can keep it simple, short and abrupt but still give more of a story to it. This can be done by adding more imagery and some figurative language.
I do really like this poem and I don't mind the formatting of it, the enjambment works well most of the time, but I do feel that having only one word on a line doesn't really work.
All in all it is a good poem, and for the first one you have shared I feel as if you have done an excellent job.
Keep writing
Nargles xxx
I think this is kind of childishly written. Also, 'killed' not 'kilt' Hee hee
This work needs editing. Your enjambement isall over the place and it doesn't make sense why you have cut the lines where you have. THis disrupts the reading experience for the reader and I found it quite awkward.
I understand the message you're trying to put across and the style you're doing it in, but it is dire need of some editing because there a few issues with the ideas such as:
'She later jumped off
the pretty bridge and crashed'
i won't criticise the fact that this piece is really miserable because of the subject matter, but I think you coul dhave used a cheerier image if ya know what I mean. It's still really good, but make the lines longer by combining them and just get this in one piece more.
Editing time. XDD
I just wrote it in the middle of the night and didn't revise it, and posted it straight there. Thanks!Hey! I really liked this poem, it's really sad but beautifull at the same time. The title, the first line 'Once upon a time' and the last line " and lived happily ever after" makes it sound like a fairytale type story- Goldilock's and the three bears. The only sugestion I would make is to put each girls' story into a different stanzas so that it's not one long big tirade. I also noticed that when you start withe third girl you write " The third one was kilt" , shouldn't this be " The third one was killed" ? Although you might have done this delibaretly so...
I also like the rythm that is very stop-starty, usually I don't like these poems as much but it really suits the style of your poem.
I also really like the simile: " and crashed
like waves into the river"
So the second girl becomes part of the river. The ending is really sad but kinda true. Keep writing! I'm looking forward to reading more of your works!
And I don't know what I was doing with that word "killed" hahahaThis was interesting. I barely understood this. You didn't paint a nice picture. You drew a sketch for this but not a beautiful picture. you needed more detail in this and to explain this a lot more. i also noticed i wasn't the only one who couldn't follow. so you should edit this and then i'm sure it'll be a lot better and more satisfactory. Don't take this as an offense because were all here to help each other. I know this could be amazing if you put forward the effort. Have fun with it!
I know it's not the best poem, I wrote it in the middle of the night when I suddenly came up with this idea and didn't revise it much before posting it. But thanks for telling me that it could be amazing if you put forward the effort
120,360 Literary Works • 649,582 Reviews
Points: 1326
Reviews: 12
Donate