z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Prologue (Part II)

by ChloeAB


*

Victoria Lockwood stood draped in a tasteful silk, mauve bodice adoringly stitched to a flowing mauve skirt that made her shell pale skin look that shade lighter. The fool of a tailor’s son made it for in the hopes to win her affections-ugh peasant. Vicky smoothed down the soft purple floral pattern of her dress and had to admit it was made well. A rebellious, night, black hair crept its way loose from her bun and she delicately but proficiently returned it to its rightful place. Oh dear lord I’m getting more like mother each day – that’s definitely got to change. She sauntered, dreadfully slowly, through the long open corridors of her palace, hips swaying from side to side.

Princess Lockwood hated this place. From the outside it looked like an exciting antiquated castle, but the inside resembled an expensive hotel and had the same impermanent atmosphere to it – the kind that makes it hard to settle down in it. Bay windows stood along the wall at regular intervals letting in far too much light in Vicky’s opinion and helped to highlight the pretentious, ancestral paintings that lined the opposite wall. She looked over them with a mix of disgust and boredom, her most commonly used expression. Traipsing onwards, she stepped out onto the balcony to look at the passerbyer’s below as a futile way to fill her ever-empty days. Ugh God, look at those peasant, going about their daily life as if they are worth something. She hated them all. But that is what she had been taught by her father – the King. To everyone he was this loving, equality hippie who just wanted everyone to get by happily, but behind the closed doors of the palace…well even behind closed doors he wasn’t his true self. But she knew what he had taught them and that was that the Lockwood’s were of a mightier breed, as the family ‘motto’ went quies, summa, gratia et collegerunt, calm, collected and with supreme grace. Lord above that was a load of horse shit.

Vicky’s attention was pulled aside by one fine looking knight. Not ‘fine’ as in looking, she wasn’t concerned by that (although he was), but finely dressed in glowing black armour that shone back the suns light and seemed to draw in everything around it like a black hole, including the Princess’s curiousity. The stranger approached a blacksmith, clapped him on the back while bearing a broad, welcoming smile, the kind that reminds you everything is going to be okay. The blacksmith turned to face him and beamed with surprise, pulling him into a warm hug. They exchanged a few hearty words and the knight took a seat in the blacksmith’s den, chomping down on an apple. The blacksmith dipped a sword in cold water and pulled it out. Vicky stared at it enthralled; it was stunning. It was made all of a steel and iron compound and shone silver, including the hilt which had a ridged surface. Embedded along the hilt was a row of glistening black diamonds with a gloriously matte black tip at the end of the blade. But that didn’t make any sense…why would a knight bother to mingle with these peasants when he could get a personalised sword much cheaper and through the King? It all seemed too…nice. Vicky’s brow furrowed as the Knight took the sword, swinging it around to get a feel of the balance, he glanced upwards and locked eyes with Vicky, matching her confused expression. As he stood she stumbled backwards and spun around banging into her younger sister and knocking her to the floor.

‘For the Lord’s sake Tati! Don’t sneak up on me like that, you scared the shit out of me.’ Tati stayed sat on the floor until Vicky rolled her eyes and offered to help her up. Tatiana was the spitting image of Victoria except that Tati wore her hair in two long plaits coming down either side of her face and an emerald dress that mirrored her round glistening green eyes.

‘Mother says you shouldn’t say swears.’

‘Oh boohoo.’ There was a pause while Vicky leaned round the pillar to try and peer down to the blacksmiths.

‘Are you spying at that knight too?’ Her eyes sparkled, mischevious yet innocent ‘I think he’s gorgeous, I came here to get a closer look at him.’ Her cheeks blushed. Vicky regarded her sister and offered a weary smile; Tati had yet to be corrupted by this family, but inevitably she will.

‘Do you think he’s handsome Tati?’ Her cheeks blossomed furiously ‘Well I’m sure father would fine him an agreeable suitor.’

‘Do you not want him Vicky?’ she looked at Vicky with a mix of confusion and hope. Vicky kneeled in front of her

‘I don’t have time for things like boys, Princess Lockwood.’ From down the hall Vicky could hear voices coming from her father’s office. He normally kept it under locked and had told the girls to stay away when he was having meetings. Of course these meetings often involved beautiful young women coming in from Madame L’s Burlesque longue and moaning to some deity or other. That office was father’s secret place, and he forbade the girls to go near it. Well, there was nothing Vicky liked more than disappointing daddy. She brushed past her sister and started walking surreptitiously towards the ajar door.

‘Vicky-‘

‘Shut-up twat’ Vicky hissed, Tatiana’s eyes welled up with tears and she started wailing, making a god awful noise. Vicky spun round angry whipped her shoe off and launched it ‘I said shut-it!’ The shoe landed on it’s target of Tati’s arm and knocked her to the floor once more. Victoria continued to creep towards the door and started to hear snippets of conversation.

‘…he can be difficult…doesn’t agree with you’

‘He shouldn’t be hard to pay off’ came the Kings droning voice

‘Yes but you, well um,’ she didn’t recognise the other voice

‘Spit it out!’ King _______ Lockwood growled

‘It’s just he feels like you betrayed him, see as you er told him one thing and did another’ There was an awkward pause and Vicky could tell he was using the gaze he used on the convicted to get a straight answer.

‘And what, pray tell, did I say to him?’ Vicky knew she was about to hear something, good, maybe even blackmail-able. However, this brilliant train of thought was interrupted by a bony hand piercing into her shoulder and pulling her away from the door to face Fallan Barnes the head maid. In one hand she held Tatiana, her eyes red and puffy, sucking her thumb, in the other the pump Vicky had been wearing moments earlier.

‘Dinner is ready. The Queen is waiting. The King will join you shortly.’ Fallan turned to walk away ‘Oh and I believe you…dropped your shoe Princess Victoria.’ She handed her the shoe and strutted away with Vicky grumpily in tow.

Fallan stopped clip clopping across the marble floor in front of two humungous mahogany doors that stretched upwards displaying archaic engravings. She turned to face them in a military manner, looking them both over bitterly

‘The Queen is waiting. Take your usual seats please.’ Easing open the mahogany masterpieces, the Lockwood Princess’ entered and Victoria’s grumpiness settled slightly. She loved this room. It was all mahogany, the walls repeated the archaic patterns that were displayed on the door and came to a cataclysmic artistic ending on the ceiling with the tendrils of wood curling off in all directions. It was a shame she hated its occupants. A row of maids and porters marched into the dining room in single file distributing the food across the table with precision and circling round the table to exit, perfectly executed, in and out before the Queen could even bother to pay attention to them. The Queen flicked a speck of dust of the table cloth and raised her gaze to her daughters sitting either side of the unnecessary large table.

‘Are you both well?’ she inquired

‘Yes mother!’ Tati beamed and moved her chair towards her mother slightly. The Queen smiled. She respected obedience and Tati had yet learned how that differed to love, so always tried to seek it. As Queen Cassidy Lockwood turned towards her eldest, she was mortified to find her playing with her silver knife, spinning it on its tip with perfect precision and accuracy.

‘Princess Victoria Lockwood, what do you take yourself for?’ Victoria sighed

‘Apparently the family disgrace.’ She murmured. The Queen began to rise slowly out of her seat as Tatiana recoiled down into hers.

‘If you ever feel like you have an ounce of a right to speak back to me you will do so loud and clear and suffer the consequences!’ King Gedeon Lockwood entered with a chuckle as she screeched this across the room.

‘I see you’ve awoken the beast inside your mother again Vicky.’ He continued to chuckle as he walked around the table to place his meaty hands on Cassidy’s delicate shoulders and gently ease her back onto her seat. ‘I do wish you two wouldn’t provoke each other.’ The King continued to beam as he sauntered back to his seat and when he made eye contact with Fallan, she nervously smiled to. Just before Gedeon sat down, he analysed Fallan. ‘You are dismissed, Fallan.’ The King said her name with a touch of revulsion. Silence reclaimed the room. The King reached forward and snatched some food onto his plate, devouring it. The Queen began to serve herself a small helping after that and Tatiana accompanied her. Victoria eventually ate a very small amount for she needed something to distract from the fact that the silver knife no longer rested on the table.


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285 Reviews


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Sun Apr 27, 2014 5:01 pm
GreenTulip wrote a review...



Hi, Tulip here again to review Part 2.

The characterization remains strong going into this part. It's strong and clear to see who is who, and what their personalities is like.

Victoria (Vicky) is my favorite member of the Lockwood family. She is headstrong and wants to do what she wants- though her mother believes that she should be this strong female who only does as she is told.

The description is strong again...and somethings it doesn't mean sense...

Victoria Lockwood stood draped in a tasteful silk, mauve bodice adoringly stitched to a flowing mauve skirt that made her shell pale skin (Perhaps here, you could find a better word. Shell is confusing.) look that shade lighter.


A rebellious, night, black hair crept its way loose from her bun and she delicately but proficiently returned it to its rightful place.
~Night is unnecessary here. It can read as:
A rebellious black hair crept its way loose from her bun and she delicately but proficiently returned it to its rightful place.


This is a thought- so it should be in quotes.
Oh dear lord I’m getting more like mother each day – that’s definitely got to change.


It's a good write. Good job, keeping writing on. ~Tulip.




ChloeAB says...


Thank you for the advice and reading it back I can see how those bits need to be changed, thanks!



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Sun Apr 27, 2014 5:14 am
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hihi Chloe!

Back again for the second section. I feel like you'd not have these split in terms of a real novel, and that you've just split the prologue for us. This is fine, I'm just stating it so it's clear in my little brain. You do have an excellent handle on characterisation. Each person we have met so far has been direct, clear and unique. None of the characters mix voices or appear too similar.

You have a very odd mixture of omniscient narrator and character narration which isn't working unless you use italics or something to contain the character commentary. Also what is “shell pale skin”? The same as with your Part 1, you need to be careful of how much description you are giving us, you could easily slip a lot of this in as you describe other actions.

Please read over this soon as well. I don't do nitpicks as a general rule, but you have some odd punctuation (A rebellious, night, black hair - lose "night" completely, really, it's not necessary here but if not, the commas should go) and some of your sentences don't make complete sense.

I think you really have a good thing going here. I'm intrigued by the characters and by the suggested plot, and I'd love to read more if you can notify me when you post?

Thanks for writing!

- Penguin.




ChloeAB says...


Hiya! Yeah I split it because I thought it might be too long! Thanks again for your advice on this part and I will of course notify you when the next chapter comes!




Of those who say nothing, few are silent.
— Thomas Neill