Young Writers Society

first of all
up rhymed with Fuck, CLAPP CLAPP Capp. Three Points to mister Weymouth for his choice of words.
Now that i have expanded the only humor found with in my brain, i will try and dig deep in to your poem. If i may.

Love is a strange thing, i the few encounters i have had with it. I have either been burned, slapped. Or slapped very hard (yes their is a difference). I say this because your poem evokes a in me a very vivid remembrance of one such lady i fell in love with, Five points . Now that the sobbing is done i will continue digging.

Having someone to wake up next to, that right their is fate. Having someone to wake up next to that you love, that right their mister Mouth is a privileged. O their i go again off on a tangent. Ten Points.

Now comes the part where i tell you something of relevance.

This was as powerful, so much so that i came close to actually shedding a tear. You take a subject that has the potential to fall on its face and become to painful to read, and just masterfully guide it through a triple axle side filp with the grace of a leaf. the end of eternity will not even take this down to the depths of obscurity. fifty points.

Now one thing that must be explained, i am not that great at explaining things when it comes to fiction writing, let alone when it comes to a poem.

So mister Weymouth, i thank you for enduring this poor excuse of a review.

All the Best
spense

Hey!

The title immediately drew me in, being a Passenger fan (it's the title of a song) >D

I think this is actually a great piece of poetry, love the rhyming scheme, it gives it a rhythm so it sounds almost like a song in your head.
I'd look at this line again:

Where I used to dream you up.

short, but it didn't need to be loando be good; I actually think it's the perfect length, because it's short and concise and if it had been much longer it would have been too long. Also, I like the fact that it's even with four stanzas and four lines per stanza (I'm a sucker for patterns, if that's what you would want to call it). On a similar note, I like the A-B-C-B rhyming pattern. It gives it a certain melody without seeming too "bouncy." The repetition was what made this poem what it is, though. You used the same intro for each stanza, and that made it even in uniform, but you also used a different thing at the end of each which made it almost the equivalent of a topic sentence. Each of your stanzas was like a paragraph.

I really liked your word choice too. Your words were all short and simple, and your phrasing all made sense.

The content itself was powerful and meaningful and somber. The tone is passionate and bitter, and everything you did style-wise reflected that.

I think the poem would have been better if you had stylized it more, but that's a personal preference of mine. You could have done somethig creatively with the grammar and capitalization, but it's also good without it (like I said, I just like poems like that). I think. The periods at the end were unnecessary, though.

Overall, I really loved you poem.

Ahh, I hit the submit button too soon.

Hi!
I really liked this piece. I enjoyed the stanzas because it broke up each thought. I do agree though that the periods at the end of each stanza is unneeded, since the end of each idea is already signified by the break in the group of lines, the period is superfluous.

My one other critique is the line:

"Where I need you to be."

Might I suggest the "need" become past tense? I just noticed how the rest of the poem seems past tense, and abruptly switching to present tense disrupts the flow of the poem.

Other than that, great work!

I love this. It thoroughly explains how you feel hollow inside because of a heartbreak, I think? I think it was a heartbreak. I loved the repetition of the word 'hole'. You made it work real well with the rest of the poem.

One thing that bothered me though was how you broke up each stanza. I feel like you should take out the '.' and it will look so much more professional. Other than that, your poem is excellent!

My stamp of approval has been given to you. Kudos! You have talent. Use it well, my young padawan.

FANTABULOUS job!