z

Young Writers Society



Renatus-chapter four

by Laure


“How do you even know she’s Lady Glass, I can’t remember a single thing about her.” Fael asked for the umpteenth time as they trudged along the snow slowly, the pace far slower than the one they had come.

“I don’t know, Fael.” She tried to keep the frustration though from the pitying look on his face, it was a futile attempt. “I told you it was more of a hunch than anything else,” She dragged her fingers through her wind-blown locks; a familiar actions did when she was frustrated or confused.

“Well, I see no harm in checking things in the library. They’ve got the widest range of books,” He replied in a soothing voice, clearly trying to mollify her. She nodded with her mind elsewhere, trying to conjure up the tales of Lady Glass, it was a ridiculous theory yet she could not think of another possible theory for the appearance or reason for that matter. Both preoccupied with their own thoughts, the pair didn’t notice the pair of eyes hidden beneath the trunks. ~ The Great library was an elegant building with marble columns ingrained with intricate designs, above the great wooden door was a triptych of paintings related to literature. The two climbed up the irony steps and stepped inside, the door was always open during daylight. A great span of different wood stretched d from one end to the other, corners that merged into spiralling staircases with delicate silver railing to the second floor.

She shivered involuntarily, for some reason the temperature in the library was even cooler than the one outside. How that was possible, she did not know. She took a deep breath through her nostrils to calm her racing heart and tense shoulders, it was a heavenly scent. Crisp as freshly fallen snow yet tinged with smell of home. Where several women sat serenely upon the chairs placed there, the sound of pages being flipped resonated soothingly throughout the spacious library. The ground floor was bustling with ambassadors and counsellors, the air was unusally tense. Creating a sharp contrast with the serenity above.

“Come on, we aren’t here to breath air.” Fael’s warm hand tugged her back into reality and together they wandered through the well-stacked aisles. “They’ve changed things around here, haven’t they?” He said quietly, finger lingering on the spine of a well-worn book. “They have too.” She echoed his words with regret, scanning the library with her eyes. “There used to be more books around here, far more books.” There was a vacuous sadness in her tone as she walked slowly to the empty aisles at the back of the ground floor, years ago. Those aisles were stacked with proud books that detailed the history of their country. Where they were now, she had no idea, in fact, she didn’t even have any idea where the scrolls were kept anymore.

"I think they are at the back, well, I hope so.” Fael pushed her along gently, though his eyes lingered reluctantly on the rich robe of a visiting ambassador. He chewed the right corner of his lip thoughtfully as he guided them to the more isolated areas of the library.

From the somewhat pensive look on his face, she knew better than to ask why. Instead, she ran her eyes over the roles of sporadically stacked books covered with faded pictures. It seems like they have found the right place, these were the forgotten lores and tales of Avignon. She picked one up gently, the layers on the dust so thick it floated upwards in a cascade of sandy white.

“Ugh, I bet the last time someone picked that up was at least a decade ago.” Fael gasped through his violent sneezes, attracting several annoyed glances.

She flipped through the fragile pages slowly, worn away by age and isolation. She paused after what seemed like an eternity of flipping, and grinned.

“Found her.” Her slender finger circled around a faded name on the top of the page, Glass of Clock. She continued without letting him respond, eyes scanning the rest of the page briefly before flipping over.

The page was missing, a jagged seam screamed out at the pair as they stared at the book in shock. She carefully flipped the page over and breathed in slowly, sharing a meaningful look with Fael.

“What does it say?” He asked, nodding at the current page she’s on.

“Nothing useful, as you can imagine. It says here, Glass of the Clocks also known as Lady Glass in some parts was someone with the power to open up portals to our predecessor. It is said here that this is achieved through the clocks she crafts.” She closed the book softly and replaced it back into its slot and slumped against the shelves, “nothing about where she lives, what she looks like or even the origin of this tale.”

“Wait, what do they mean by portals to our predecessors?” He slid down beside her, all lanky grace as he sat down.

“Hm, I think in a few of these tales. They say, Alsace was actually built on the foundation of another world or an element taken from that world.”

Fael looked at her as if she had spoken gibberish, “What tales? What world? What on earth are you even talking about, Sirce?”

She huffed out an impatient breath, annoyed at her own inability to express her thoughts. It was in her younger days, by the fireside at night. Her father used to bring out leather bound books that told of tales that stretched far far beyond her wildest imagination. It was on those cold winter nights, she learnt about the heritage of Alsace, the theories of its existence for all the official scrolls were destroyed in the Great Fire of Xerx.

“Hey, don’t go daydreaming on me, Ce.” He snapped his fingers deftly in front of her, effectively bringing her back to reality. Realizing that, Fael had been brought up under different circumstances and probably did not have the luxury of these life unrelated tales.

After half an hour of explanation, he gave an exhausted sigh and collapsed against the wooden floor.

“That is a lot of mythical theories, Sirce.” He groaned, throwing one arm over his eyes yet his lips were tilted up in a smile.

“Yeah, it is. Found any useful ones we could use to figure out this weird old lady?” She drew her knees up to her chest, feeling like they were seven again.

“Ha, assuming she’s a myth come back to life,” he shook his head in silent laughter, “do you even realize how ridiculous we sound? Someone just died this morning and we’re researching about mythical creatures.”

She was about to reply when in a sudden move, he hooked his arm around her elbow and pulled her down next to him. Suddenly serious eyes locked into hers.

“Sirce, tell me this.”

The seriousness in his tone startled her into shock, he was so close. Closer than he had ever been with her, close enough to observe the golden flecks in his chocolate brown eyes.

“What?” She breathed out hoarsely.

“Would you leave Avignon if you could?”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1634 Reviews


Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634

Donate
Tue Jun 17, 2014 6:37 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey there Laure!

Ooh this was an interesting chapter. (I feel like I say this for every chapter on YWS, but they actually ARE all interesting!) I mean, you managed to tick all the boxes for me again! You've got a wonderful setting description of the library, and it seems like one of those really picturesque buildings in my mind at the moment. You also managed to show Fael and Sirce's characters as they work alongside each other in friendship, Fael even giving Sirce's mythical stories a chance, no matter how far fetched they seem to him. You've got the plot moving forwards, leaving us wondering who this Lady Glass could be and teasing us with just the slightest bit of information ever. And then of course, leaving us asking ourselves why the page about her was torn out? Then, throw in the cool cliffhanger with Fael wanting to leave Avignon and asking if Sirce would possibly ever go if she could, which makes us curious to know where that is going... And yet none of the pacing seems to be too fast! All these elements come together to make such a great impact on building a story together, I can barely comment on the content and might just have to skive over nitpicks alone :(

I know someone has already mentioned it before, but I am going to just double up and say there should be some reasoning for her hunch. I am intrigued to see what you might come up with for this!

“How do you even know she’s Lady Glass, I can’t remember a single thing about her.”


So, because of Pompadour's awesome review to me, I found out that the problem we both share is called comma splices. But seeing as I hate the word splices *gives me heebie-jeebies* we can just call it The Problem. I suggest the comma in this line becomes a question mark instead. If you want some more information on how comma splices work you should really ask her because she is awesome with explaining it!

Fael asked for the umpteenth time as they trudged along the snow slowly, the pace far slower than the one they had come.


I would make these two separate sentences. Or even better, I would cut off the second part to it completely. It doesn't really seem necessary to know that they were walking even slower than before. In the first part you already tell us that they are walking slowly, and anything on top of that seems a bit excessive.

She tried to keep the frustration though from the pitying look on his face, it was a futile attempt.


Move the through from where it is in the sentence to after the comma. ;)

a familiar actions did when she was frustrated or confused.


I think you mean a familiar action she did.

She nodded with her mind elsewhere, trying to conjure up the tales of Lady Glass, it was a ridiculous theory yet she could not think of another possible theory for the appearance or reason for that matter.


Now this is different from The Problem, but it is something else. A run on sentence which means there are too many commas and just linking two sentences together. I think there should be a full stop where the second comma is instead. Also, do note you use 'theory' here twice in one sentence as well. Perhaps use the word 'reason' instead here and end the sentence after 'appearance'.

This also makes me wonder, using the theory Sirce is thinking of right now, what is the "theorized" reason for her appearance. Sirce sounds like she knows what Lady Glass's purpose is in that trip, but we can't see it and I doubt she knows it by this point as well. Perhaps be a bit more clear, or word this differently so it makes it seem like she is curious about her reasoning for Lady Glass's appearance instead of seeming like she knows why she is there?

The Great library was an elegant building with marble columns ingrained with intricate designs, above the great wooden door was a triptych of paintings related to literature.


I suggest you put a full stop after the word 'designs'. This is a reappearance of The Problem.

She took a deep breath through her nostrils to calm her racing heart and tense shoulders, it was a heavenly scent.


I think this would work best with a ; instead of a comma.

“Come on, we aren’t here to breath air.”


Ooh this is a common small mistake on YWS! You mean breathe here. Breathe is the verb, as in to breathe, and a breath is what you take in as you complete the action.

One more thing I noticed briefly in one paragraph of this chapter was that you had a part where all the dialogue was mish-mashed together. Make sure you start a new paragraph for every time the speaker switches. Much like last chapter you do this all the way through and the turn it off for one certain part. I wonder why or is it just forgetting?

nodding at the current page she’s on.


Sticking to past tense, I think you should make this 'she was'.

She closed the book softly and replaced it back into its slot and slumped against the shelves


Replaced should just be placed here.

Hm, I think in a few of these tales. They say, Alsace was actually built on the foundation of another


Hm, this time the full stop actually doesn't need to be there! It's cutting a sentence in half, in a way that doesn't make sense! Take it away :P

It was in her younger days, by the fireside at night. Her father used to bring out leather bound books that told of tales that stretched far far beyond her wildest imagination.


Again, here the full stop isn't needed. I would make it the word that' instead. Also, have a comma after the first 'far'.

Suddenly serious eyes locked into hers.


Comma after the suddenly. Aaaand that marks the end of nitpicks! Keep up the awesome writing Laure! I really have no comment for the plot, other than it was fabbity fabbity fab. I'll try harder to look for faults in the next one! (Sheesh, someone is good at writing.)

Deanie x




User avatar
1417 Reviews


Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417

Donate
Sat Apr 26, 2014 2:01 am
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

“Nothing useful, as you can imagine. It says here, Glass of the Clocks also known as Lady Glass in some parts was someone with the power to open up portals to our predecessor. It is said here that this is achieved through the clocks she crafts.

The part that I underlined should be in italics. It seems to me that she is reading this directly from the textbook. Anything that is being read from a book or a letter or something like that should be in italics. That way the readers will be able to differentiate between the actual story and something that is coming from something different.

I like this chapter. I think it's a chapter that needed to be written and you put it in the right place. There always -- well maybe not always -- has to be that chapter where things are revealed to the readers. It's like a huge info dump, but it's more effective and exciting than that. And that's exactly what this chapter was. It reminds me of that part in Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone when they learn about Nicholas Flamel and the Sorcerer's Stone. It's a way to inform the readers, and the characters, as to what is going on without just coming out and telling them.

he shook his head in silent laughter, “do you even realize how ridiculous we sound? Someone just died this morning and we’re researching about mythical creatures.”

You know what Fael? I was just thinking the same thing. I trust you with your own novel and that you're progressing through the plot well (something I would be stupid not to trust you with), but I feel like you've passed over what happened at the beginning too soon. If I remember correctly, Fael and Sirce were thankful that deaths hadn't reached Avignon in the first chapter and now they've forgotten all about the death that just happened not too long ago. I feel like there has to be some kind of fear about this death that Fael and Sirce are feeling. Maybe it's just that they're a bit more jittery or jumpy. You get what I'm saying?

The ending of this chapter is quite sudden. I know that you can end it out better than that! It's a good way to end, give Sirce and the readers something to think about between now and the next chapter, but I feel like there should be something after that. Like, Sirce looking at him strange or thoughtfully and thinking of her answer. Something along those lines. Then you can end with that and it will tie into her final answer in the next chapter.

You're doing a great job with your novel here. The story is progressing along well and I'm learning a lot about these main characters of yours. And I'm really interested in this Lady Glass. If she truly is a myth come back to life, how did it happen? And why now? Why this specific time? Oh, there are so many questions I'm longing to have answers to!! Good thing the next chapter will come out soon :)

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




User avatar
672 Reviews


Points: 5577
Reviews: 672

Donate
Sun Apr 20, 2014 2:31 pm
View Likes
Squall wrote a review...



“I don’t know, Fael.” She tried to keep the frustration though from the pitying look on his face, it was a futile attempt. “I told you it was more of a hunch than anything else,”


It's ok to have a hunch, but even some reasoning is needed to make a hunch. I wanna know a bit more about how she deduced this.

A great span of different wood stretched d from one end to the other, corners that merged into spiralling staircases with delicate silver railing to the second floor.


Don't get your description here. Normally the wood found in a fancy library would be mahogany.

Where several women sat serenely upon the chairs placed there, the sound of pages being flipped resonated soothingly throughout the spacious library. The ground floor was bustling with ambassadors and counsellors, the air was unusally tense. Creating a sharp contrast with the serenity above.


Pretty good description, but I question your use of soothingly. Makes the library sound like some kind of massage parlour, but that's just me.

There was a vacuous sadness in her tone as she walked slowly to the empty aisles at the back of the ground floor, years ago.


Hmm. Really strange that she would venture into the deeper parts of the library when she was just a child, unless her Father or someone that looked after her worked in the library and would give her some tours of the area.

The page was missing, a jagged seam screamed out at the pair as they stared at the book in shock.


I wouldn't use the word screamed there as it personifies the book too much (unless if your books are like those talking ones in Harry Potter).

“Yeah, it is. Found any useful ones we could use to figure out this weird old lady?” She drew her knees up to her chest, feeling like they were seven again.


So what info did they actually found on her that would lead to the next plot point in the story? It's nice knowing about the portals and stuff, but I was expecting them to find out about their next course of action.

She was about to reply when in a sudden move, he hooked his arm around her elbow and pulled her down next to him. Suddenly serious eyes locked into hers.

“Sirce, tell me this.”

The seriousness in his tone startled her into shock, he was so close. Closer than he had ever been with her, close enough to observe the golden flecks in his chocolate brown eyes.

“What?” She breathed out hoarsely.

“Would you leave Avignon if you could?”


So where is the build up to this plot twist? It's like you randomly slapped this in to change the pace of things.

Overall impressions:

Your descriptions are starting to shape up pretty well, so kudos there. There isn't anything majorly wrong with this chapter, but it's also one of the more boring chapters.

Most of the chapter was pretty expected. Yea, they are looking for a book, but it didn't reveal anything new to the reader. A big part of it was because you don't characterize your characters enough. You don't show much of their mannerisms, their thoughts and feelings of the library or how they worked together to find this forgotten book in the library. Like come on, you are trying to find a forgotten item in a place that is public, but also has places which should feel foreign because people rarely go there (I expect the book to be in some forgotten part of the library because who would look up forgotten tales and history of the world) so I was expecting to get this treasure hunt like feel. But I got none of that, it felt so bland to me. I like that you showed Sirce spacing out into deep thought, that's some characterization, but I would like to see more stuff like that.

Your ending lacked impact, and that was because it felt randomly placed there. There was no build up leading up to it; no foreshadowing that would hint Fael suggesting something like that. That character development should of been inserted in the previous chapters. When you start rewriting your previous chapters, you need to integrate this in to Fael's characterization. I actually like that Fael would suggest Sirce if she would leave Avignon. It would make him more of an interesting character (maybe with some darker motives) and allow for more conflict in the story, but only if your other chapters was rewritten to include this in.

Hope this helped.
Andy.





Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?
— George Wallace