Hey there Laure!
Ooh this was an interesting chapter. (I feel like I say this for every chapter on YWS, but they actually ARE all interesting!) I mean, you managed to tick all the boxes for me again! You've got a wonderful setting description of the library, and it seems like one of those really picturesque buildings in my mind at the moment. You also managed to show Fael and Sirce's characters as they work alongside each other in friendship, Fael even giving Sirce's mythical stories a chance, no matter how far fetched they seem to him. You've got the plot moving forwards, leaving us wondering who this Lady Glass could be and teasing us with just the slightest bit of information ever. And then of course, leaving us asking ourselves why the page about her was torn out? Then, throw in the cool cliffhanger with Fael wanting to leave Avignon and asking if Sirce would possibly ever go if she could, which makes us curious to know where that is going... And yet none of the pacing seems to be too fast! All these elements come together to make such a great impact on building a story together, I can barely comment on the content and might just have to skive over nitpicks alone
I know someone has already mentioned it before, but I am going to just double up and say there should be some reasoning for her hunch. I am intrigued to see what you might come up with for this!
“How do you even know she’s Lady Glass, I can’t remember a single thing about her.”
So, because of Pompadour's awesome review to me, I found out that the problem we both share is called comma splices. But seeing as I hate the word splices *gives me heebie-jeebies* we can just call it The Problem. I suggest the comma in this line becomes a question mark instead. If you want some more information on how comma splices work you should really ask her because she is awesome with explaining it!
Fael asked for the umpteenth time as they trudged along the snow slowly, the pace far slower than the one they had come.
I would make these two separate sentences. Or even better, I would cut off the second part to it completely. It doesn't really seem necessary to know that they were walking even slower than before. In the first part you already tell us that they are walking slowly, and anything on top of that seems a bit excessive.
She tried to keep the frustration though from the pitying look on his face, it was a futile attempt.
Move the through from where it is in the sentence to after the comma.
a familiar actions did when she was frustrated or confused.
I think you mean a familiar action she did.
She nodded with her mind elsewhere, trying to conjure up the tales of Lady Glass, it was a ridiculous theory yet she could not think of another possible theory for the appearance or reason for that matter.
Now this is different from The Problem, but it is something else. A run on sentence which means there are too many commas and just linking two sentences together. I think there should be a full stop where the second comma is instead. Also, do note you use 'theory' here twice in one sentence as well. Perhaps use the word 'reason' instead here and end the sentence after 'appearance'.
This also makes me wonder, using the theory Sirce is thinking of right now, what is the "theorized" reason for her appearance. Sirce sounds like she knows what Lady Glass's purpose is in that trip, but we can't see it and I doubt she knows it by this point as well. Perhaps be a bit more clear, or word this differently so it makes it seem like she is curious about her reasoning for Lady Glass's appearance instead of seeming like she knows why she is there?
The Great library was an elegant building with marble columns ingrained with intricate designs, above the great wooden door was a triptych of paintings related to literature.
I suggest you put a full stop after the word 'designs'. This is a reappearance of The Problem.
She took a deep breath through her nostrils to calm her racing heart and tense shoulders, it was a heavenly scent.
I think this would work best with a ; instead of a comma.
“Come on, we aren’t here to breath air.”
Ooh this is a common small mistake on YWS! You mean breathe here. Breathe is the verb, as in to breathe, and a breath is what you take in as you complete the action.
One more thing I noticed briefly in one paragraph of this chapter was that you had a part where all the dialogue was mish-mashed together. Make sure you start a new paragraph for every time the speaker switches. Much like last chapter you do this all the way through and the turn it off for one certain part. I wonder why or is it just forgetting?
nodding at the current page she’s on.
Sticking to past tense, I think you should make this 'she was'.
She closed the book softly and replaced it back into its slot and slumped against the shelves
Replaced should just be placed here.
Hm, I think in a few of these tales. They say, Alsace was actually built on the foundation of another
Hm, this time the full stop actually doesn't need to be there! It's cutting a sentence in half, in a way that doesn't make sense! Take it away
It was in her younger days, by the fireside at night. Her father used to bring out leather bound books that told of tales that stretched far far beyond her wildest imagination.
Again, here the full stop isn't needed. I would make it the word that' instead. Also, have a comma after the first 'far'.
Suddenly serious eyes locked into hers.
Comma after the suddenly. Aaaand that marks the end of nitpicks! Keep up the awesome writing Laure! I really have no comment for the plot, other than it was fabbity fabbity fab. I'll try harder to look for faults in the next one! (Sheesh, someone is good at writing.)
Deanie x
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