z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Bus Story

by Qoh16


Sitting on the bus, Vanessa let her mind wander while starting at the colors of the road swim by out of the single paned window. She had just come from San Francisco and now she decided to to try her hand at New York. Originally from Dorchester, she realized in twenty-three years of life she had never known what it was like to live. Be spontaneous. Be exciting. She just finished her undergraduate years of school. So she decided to take a vacation trekking across the great U-S of A. It was very liberating.

Remembering all the obstacles she faced in going to California, she hoped New York was nothing like that. From the bus breaking down, almost getting left behind in Venice to the two men leering at her the whole trip. She had enough.

She had never been to the Big Apple, so she wanted to see what all the hype was about. The man sitting next to her was a writer, something she always hoped to become. She tried to strike up a conversation with the elderly man but he seemed to be in his own little world. So she was content on watching him work in silence; secretly hoping to get a glimpse of his latest book.

Looking at the seat in front of her, a woman who was physically disabled but one could tell she was probably the smartest person in the room. Despite her handicap she was very beautiful. Her short brown hair, that was cut close to her ears, gave way to ivory skin. Her features were delicate, to the crystal blue eyes, straight nose, and kind smile. Vanessa, thought her handicap only made her more beautiful.

Drifting back over to the window, nothing she saw held any appeal so she decided that music would be the best remedy for boredom.

Halfway into the chorus of Adele's sultry Someone Like You, a crackle came over the bus' P.A. system.

"Arriving in New York City in five minutes. Welcome to the Big Apple" a brutish man with a thick black mustache and Slavic accent announced.

Claiming her recycled multi -colored burlap bag from under the seat, she glided off the bus as it came to a complete stop at the station. The man in front of her getting off the bus had his face covered in blue ink. Some she recognized as gang symbols others were just running together on the contours of his face. She decided to act oblivious to the monstrosity in her face. As soon as she got her red suitcase with yellow wheels from the storage below, she took in stock of her surroundings.

"it's beautiful" she whispered to no one in particular. Not used to the happenings of the city, someone bumped into her.

"Excuse me " she declared to the air seeing how no one apologized or responded. Deeming it safer to move than stay stationary, Vanessa started her way down the sidewalk. Both sides of buildings were lit up like those switchboards Derek always talked about. To her it was magical.

Usually it was very difficult for Vanessa to see in the dark but the streets of New York were so illuminated, it felt like a hug from the sun. Walking down 6th Avenue, Vanessa found a motel for the night. At least she didn't have to sleep in the bus port like she did in San Francisco. That waitressing job at O'Reily's Pub & Bar took care of that.

The name of the little motel was Room & Board. Walking up to the big oak door painted green, she saw that it was still open. Throwing back the door, she stepped into the cloying heat and walked to front desk.

"Hello. I would like a room for a few days." Vanessa said to the woman at the counter. The woman behind the desk was a frail woman of 65 years of age. Her once brightly flamed-ginger mop now shined a dull copper was tied in a severe bun.

"It's a room ye be wantin, I suspect?" She said in a thick Scottish brogue. Her comely shirt swished under the counter.

"Yes ma'am. How much a night?"

"Well it $700 a night. Which is $4,900 for seven days." Vanessa's face twisted into worry.

"That is a little steep....” she hesitated. “Is there some way I could work it off or something? I used to be a waitress, so I know how to deal with all types of people.”

“Today is yer lucky day, lass. That lesig lass just quit and it a maid we be wantin. ” Vanessa just look at her blankly. It was really hard to understand what she was trying to convey. “Yer be getting the job, ye do.”

“I do? I’m your new waitress?” she asked astonished. The woman just nodded her head.

“Ma name is Isla McElroy, the owner of this her' hotel.”

“Thank you Mrs. McElroy. I won’t let you down.”

“Please call me Isla and it is fine. Just do the best ye can.” She gave Vanessa a warm smile and a key card. “Yer’ room is on the third floor, room number 316. Ma’ granddaughter, Alieen, wilt show ye’ to yer room.”

She pushed a button under the desk and out of the back room came a fire colored ginger girl with freckles and green eyes.

"Hullo. I be showin ye to ye room." The quiet girl spoke to the floor. Her braided hair bounced slightly.

"Thank you." Vanessa said as Aileen led the way up to the third floor. Walking up the stairs, the outside was very deceiving because the decor was very high end. Sleek decor covered the warm red cinnamon walls and made the hotel a lot more roomy. Finally, we made it to 316. Looking down the hall, i realized all the doors were a different color.

"Why are all the doors a different color?” Vanessa asked Alieen.

“Because that is the color of ye room. The doors match the decor. Plus it helps housekeeping and room service keep track of the room.”

“Oh. Cool.”

“Well here is yer room. Enjoy yer stay at The Room & Board.” She gave Vanessa the keys and exited the room. In shock, Vanessa slowly drunk in the room with her eyes.

The high white ceilings gave way to sunny yellow walls and hardwood floors. In the middle of the room was a wooden ladder and a loft bed. Climbing up the ladder, Vanessa realized that the bed was up there. It was a low box bed with crisp white sheets and yellow accents for pillows. The sun applique on the wall behind the bed made a nice headboard. Climbing down the ladder, Vanessa gravitated toward the right side near the window was a nook looking out to a spectacular view of New York City. That’s when she realized that there was floor-to-ceiling windows all around the room.

“This is so cool, for a loft hotel room.” Having her curiosity get the best of her she investigated the other rooms. As she looked around she realized that this hotel had a modern-vintage feel. It was a great splash of everything. After taking a shower, Vanessa put on some clothes from her suitcase, slung her bag over her body and headed out the door.

Finding her way back to the front desk, she ran into someone.

“Whoa. I’m sorry,” a deep voice rumbled through her core.

“No. I’m sorry. I ran into you.” Vanessa looked up and a pair of ocean blue eyes stared back at her in concern. A gentle but firm hand grasped her forearm and hoisted her upright.

“Are you okay?” The voiced asked her.

“Yes, I’m fine. Thank you.” The man was ultra hot, think Alex Pettyfer in a suit with a hint of shadow. Vanessa looked down at the simple hemp watch on her wrist. She had 20 minutes to get across town to meet Kim.

“I’m sorry but I have to run. Sorry for running into you. Thank you again.” She started to turn toward the door but he grabbed her wrist.

“Wait. Can I at least get your name?”

“It’s Vanessa.” She hurried out of the door just as the bus came to a stop. Making her way to the back, she sat in a seat near the exit and strategically able to see the whole bus. It was one of those life lessons that her mother taught her. Always make sure you have an exit plan when something goes wrong.

While sitting she contemplated her run in with that stranger. He wasn’t really tall, dark and handsome but he was tall and handsome. Oh so very handsome. However, he exuded waves and waves of power, making her shiver down to her toes. If she wasn’t focused on trying to survive she might have entertained him. Also, he didn’t seem to interested, just concerned with a lawsuit or something.

“He was just a nice man, a nice stranger. Nothing else.” She said out loud to no in particular. The bus then hit a pothole in the ground and Vanessa jumped in her seat so high that it rattled her teeth. That’s when Vanessa heard an almost undetectable cry. Then it turned it turned into sort of a giggle. It sounded like someone was laughing. Vanessa looked around and couldn’t find the source of the sound. It started again,then she realized it was coming from under her feet. She looked under her seat and couldn’t believe what she saw.

“Oh my god. Aren’t you handsome, boy?” She pulled up onto her lap what seemed to be a baby carrier and in it a baby. Vanessa unbuckled the baby to check if it was alright. There were no visible injuries and he seemed healthy. Vanessa checked his diaper just to make sure he was in fact a he. No one around her claimed it or seemed to recognize it.

“Where’s your Mommy, cutie?” Vanessa cooed to the baby. “Who just left you here?”

Vanessa really didn’t know what to do with a baby. However, she figured she should contact the police. She pulled out her Galaxy Note 3 and searched for the nearest police station. There was one three stops from now.

“Ok little man, here’s what’s going to happen. First we are going to see the nice policemen and see if someone is looking for you. Then we are going to find them and they will come get you. Okay?”

The baby giggled at her funny face.

“Who’s a handsome boy? Who’s a handsome boy?” Vanessa played with the baby’s tummy. Vanessa would consider herself a kid person but she couldn’t help but fall in love with his huge hazel eyes, his cute dimples and black curly mop. It didn’t even matter that he was Hispanic and she wasn’t. Out the corner of her eye, saw something white in the baby carrier. It was an envelope.

To You:

Thank you for picking up Mateo. Please take care of him as I cannot.

“Mateo, that’s your name? Mateo?” She tickled Mateo’s belly and he squealed. "Well it’s a beautiful name. We’re almost to the police station but first we need to call Auntie Kim to tell her we’ll be late." With Mateo grasping her finger, Vanessa took out her phone and called her friend.

“Hello?” Kim said into the phone.

“Hey girl. It’s Nessa.”

“Hey Nessa. Where are you?”

“On my way. But I’m gonna be a little late.” Vanessa sighed.

“What’s wrong, honey?”

“I’ll tell you when I get there.”

“Okay. I’ll see you then.”

“See you.” Turning back to Mateo, Vanessa buckled him back into his seat and put his blanket back around him. That’s when the bus came to a stop. Slinging her purse across herself once more, she picked up the baby carrier.

Just across the street from the bus stop the police station stood in all its intimidating glory. Vanessa walked into the building to the front desk.

“Hi my name is Vanessa Scott. I found this cutie here on the number 5 bus and was wondering if there was a way to track down his parents.”

The officer at the front desk looked at her and then at the baby in the carrier and paged someone on his walkie-talkie. A half an hour went by and a policewoman came out of the back.

“Ms. Scott?”

“Yes Officer?” A slim woman with light brown eyes and short black hair came into view.

“Hi my name is Officer Connors. You came in here with a child abandonment complaint.”

“Um...yeah. See Mateo here.” She stopped and lifted the carrier to her lap so the woman could see. “He was left on the number 5 bus. I found him. With this note attached to him.” Vanessa tickled his stomach.

“Did you see anyone come with him and not leave with him? Did anyone on the bus come forward to claim the child?” The officer redirected Vanessa’s attention back to her.

“No. Just the note.” Officer Connors. took a minute to read the note for herself. Another officer came out of the back and stood by the first one.

“Well if you could stick around and Officer Monroe will show you where to give a written statement.”

“Wait, what happens to Mateo?”

“He will be put into foster care by CPS where he will probably be adopted quickly.”

“So I’ll never see him again.”

“No I”m afraid not.” The officer started to Mateo out of Vanessa’s eyesight and he started to have a fit. A full blown rage. He was kicking his tiny feet in rage, his arms were out wide with distress, and his face was twisted with displeasure. Officer Connors. tried to get him to calm down but it seemed to make his cries turn into wails.

"What's wrong with him?" Officer Monroe asked holding the baby away from his body in confusion and nervousness.

"He's probably hungry." Vanessa took Mateo in her arms and held him to her body. He instantly calmed down. He even threw a smile the officers' way.

"He needs a bottle." Vanessa started to dig into her purse for money to buy some milk. However, Officer Connors. beat her to it, paging someone on her walkie-talkie.

“He seems to have taken a shine to you, ma'am.” Officer Monroe drawled out.

“Yeah he has, hasn't he?” Officer Connors. mused out loud.“That's going to be problematic for when they place him.”

“How about I keep him? I mean just until you figure out where his parents are. I don't need or want money. Plus I'm close. I'm only three stops from here. I'm staying and working at The Room & Board. I have more than enough room for him. Please."

Vanessa could see the hesitation on her face. Then her walkie-talkie chirped. She had a conversation with someone on the other end. The look of reluctance on her face had Vanessa smiling.

"I just got the call that all social workers are not in for the moment." That's when the bottle arrived. "So you can keep him...for now. And there will be social workers to inspect and review your temporary place of residence. "

"That's fine." Mateo finished the bottle and his eyes shut sleepily. Vanessa tried to put him in his carrier but as soon as they lost contact he started to fuss. She held him in her arms for a little while longer.

"He's very quite small. He looks like a newborn. But you should go to a doctor to get him checked out. Ms. Scott are you sure you want to do this? We have people who are better equipped to handle these situations."

"Yes I do. I'm up for the challenge."

"Well let us get to that paper work and I'll give you my card in case something comes up."

By the time Vanessa and Mateo left the police station, it was three o'clock. This time they caught the subway to Chinatown. Luckily, Mateo didn't wake for the commotion on the subway, as Vanessa found some old ear muffs at the bottom of her bag to protect his ears. Finally, they made it to the red door with the ornate dragon also known as Kim's apartment.

“Look at you!" Kim screamed and hugged Vanessa in the doorway.

"Shhh. You'll wake up the baby." Vanessa put her finger to her lips. They both glanced down at the sleeping bundle of joy. He was knocked out.

"Okay so when did you have a kid and not tell me about it?" Kim's huge almond shaped eyes studied Vanessa's body. "For someone who had a kid you look fantastic."

"I didn't have a kid, Kim." Kim's kimono tickled Vanessa in the face as she walked in. Vanessa always thought her friend looked something like an amine character. Her little double ox horn hairstyle made her look 11 than the 20 years she was.

"Then why do you have a kid?" Kim asked giving her a cup if oolong tea once they were situated in the typical new york city studio apartment. Then Vanessa proceeded to tell her adventure.

* * *

The next day Vanessa woke up early due to the cries of Mateo. He was hungry, luckily before Kim dropped them back off at the hotel they went to the CVS to buy diapers and formula.

"Shhh. Come here big boy. I got you." Vanessa lifted him up cooing and rubbing soothing circles into his back. He kicked happily at all the attention.

"Well come on let's get you ready so we can go to the doctor's, then we are going shopping with Auntie Kim."

His answer was a smile. "Then you are going to stay with Ms. Ilsa and Alieen while I work. But let's first get some breakfast." Vanessa grabbed the phone and smiled.

Almost a month went by and Vanessa hadn't heard anything from the police about Mateo's parents. She moved from the loft room to a single bed with space for him. And everyone in the hotel was totally enamored with him. Their routine was get up, eat breakfast while watching some kid program, get dressed and then be watched by someone in the hotel while she went to work. Everyday he saw someone new. Vanessa saw new people everyday too with her job.

"Order up, lass!" Sheamus, the cook said. He was also a transplant from Ireland but he would cook other types of food too. Vanessa looked down at the bangers and mash ticket. It was to go to table five. Walking up with the steaming hot plate of food, a feeling of familiarity came over her.

"You!" A familiar pair of blue eyes stared back at her encased in sleek frames. The grin was a look of concern now.

"Hi. Vanessa, isn't it?"

"Yeah. Well, sir, here's your bangers and mash with an arugula and bacon salad."

She slid his food towards him. "Is there anything else you need, sir?"

“Yes. I want you to go out on a date with me. I've been coming back here for a month hoping to ask you out but that lady kept saying you no longer stayed here. I could tell she was lying cause she kept trying to get me to ask her out."

Vanessa laughed internally. It probably was that bitch Karen. She was mad because everyone loved her, especially the guys even though she has Mateo.

"So will you go out with me this Saturday?"

"No. I can't. I'm busy."

"What about Sunday?"

"I'm busy then too. Look I don't have a whole lot of time to entertain this. I'm sorry." Then her phone beeped. Usually Ms. Ilsa didn’t allow phones while working but she had Mateo to check up on. It was a text from that new girl Mimi. Mateo wouldn't stop crying.

"Look. I'm sorry. Thanks for the offer but I have so much on my plate right now. Here's your check." Vanessa ran back to the kitchen hung up her apron and swiftly walked to the stairs. They were quicker than the elevator. However, she didn't realize that he guy from downstairs was following her. She pulled her key from her pocket and let herself in.

"I'm here baby. Mommy's here." Vanessa cooed swinging a red faced Mateo into her arms. She also grabbed his pacifier. Tears were streaming down his face. Vanessa cooed undecipherable words of love to her child. Mateo looked up and saw her and immediately stopped. He was back to his giggly happy baby self. He was smiling behind the pacifier.

"Oh my god. How did you do that? I've been trying to get him to stop for like 20 minutes." The girl said. She was a bit of an airhead but she meant well.

"Just gotta know his different cries." Vanessa said as she pulled out a sewing pin from his clothes. "He was just uncomfortable."

"Oh my god. I'm so sorry. I didn't see that. I thought I got all of them out before I put it on him." Mimi looked nervous.

"Wait you made this for him?" Vanessa asked.

"Yeah I'm a student at Parsons. I wanted try out one of my designs on him. I just couldn't get the hem quite right. He's still so tiny." She looked sheepish.

Mateo wore an orange fluffy sweater with little khakis and the vintage black dockers that Kim and her found in that thrift shop.

"Thank you. This means a lot. I love it." Vanessa gave Mimi a hug and hoped that this would be a start of a new friendship. Mateo squealed a toothless smile causing them to both laugh.

"So this is why you won't go out with me." A devilish grin said from the doorway.

How did you get up here? Did you follow me?" Vanessa neared toward the man hesitantly. Putting her baby in the safety of Mimi's arms.

"Yes. But I wanted to see why you bolted so quickly." He grinned again.

"Cause I'm busy. Like I said." By this time they were in the hallway.

" With a kid."

"Yes. I have a kid. So what? Is that a problem?"

"No. He just doesn't look like you at all."

Vanessa sighed. She hated this part. " That's cause he's not mine."

"Huh?"

So Vanessa went into the condensed version of her adventure a month ago.

"Wow." It was all the man said.

"Yeah. So he might not be mine biologically but I'm his mother in all the ways that count." Vanessa crossed her arms over her front daring him to say otherwise.

"No. I commend you. I don't know how many people who would've done that."

"Yup...so um...sir...I cant go out with you."

"James. James Rodrigo." The beautiful Alex Pettyfer look-a-like said.

"Vanessa Scott." She said shaking his hand firmly.

"Well Ms. Scott if you change your mind. Call me." He said handing her his business card.

"Okay. Well thanks."

" Anytime." Then he did something totally unexpected. He used his hand to cradle the back of her neck and he kissed her long and slow. She was so surprised she didn't even protest. Her body was melting like molten lava under the gentle pressure of his kiss and his delicate touch. Before she knew it she was kissing him back. Then she heard a moan. That's when she realized was the one making the noise. He let go and grinned at her.

"I've been wanting to do that for a month now. See you later." He walked off toward the elevators and before she could get her wits about her the door flew open.

"Oh my god! Who was that?!" Mimi said with Mateo in her arms.

"Just a guy."

"By the sounds that were coming from out here I'd say he's more than that."

"Just a guy I met that wants to take me out"

"Well what did you say?"

"Now you know I can't go. I have Mateo to take care of."

"Come on. Now you have a hotel full of people willing to watch him. You deserve a night out."

"True but I don't know anything about him. I just learned his name today." Vanessa sighed.

" This is why Google was invented. Just give me that business card."

Vanessa handed Mimi the card and went to go change Mateo's diaper. Then she made his bottle, cradling him to her chest.

"So what did you find?" Vanessa asked.

" Ok so if you don't claim him, I will. He's Daniel Rodrigo!"

"Wait he told me his name was James."

"It is. His name is Daniel James Rodrigo. As in the Vice President of Pollock Industries. His father is James Pollock the founder and CEO. His mom is Bianca Rodrigo, the famous Argentinian singer. He also has a sister on Broadway, Marisa Rodrigo."

"So he's rich and famous.“

“He’s also totally drool worthy, single, and smart. He graduated from Harvard business school. He is in line to take over once his father retires."

"So I should go out with him because he's hot, rich, and famous."

"No you should go out with him because he seemed genuinely interested. Call him. What could it hurt?"

"True." Vanessa couldn't help but smile when thinking of that kiss. In that moment she made up her mind.

"Hello James. This is Vanessa.” A pause at the end of the other line.

“Yeah...so I was wondering if that offer was still on the table…It is?...Cool. Well I’ll see you at eight...Alright, talk to you later, bye.”

Mimi looks at her expectantly. “Well?”

“He’s picking me up at eight.” Vanessa smiled from ear to ear.

* * *

Vanessa smiled at the man beside her in the bed. It had been three years since she became Mrs. Daniel James Rodrigo. She was still counting her lucky stars.

"Morning beautiful." Her husband rumbled in her ear as he held her close. "Did you sleep okay?"

"Morning baby. I slept okay. The baby is sitting on my bladder, though." Vanessa moved to get up and pee. It was one of those pitfalls of being four months pregnant.

"I'm sorry honey. I'll make you some toast and eggs. What fruit?"

"What about some bacon and eggs? Pancakes? Muffins?" Vanessa flopped back onto her bed and snuggled up to her husband.

"You know what Dr. Meyer said, you have to watch what you eat. It's better for the baby."

Then in the next second they heard the pitter patter of little feet. Then heard someone climb into their bed.

"Mommy! Daddy! I want pancakes!" Mateo beamed down at them. His wavy hair sticking up on one side.

"Me too, sweetie. But Daddy said no." Vanessa laughed at Mateo's pouting. He was three going on thirty. You would never know just a few years ago he was abandoned on a New York City bus.

"¿Por qué no pancakes, Papá?" Mateo stuck his little lip out at James, pleading. It sent Vanessa into a fit of laughter.

"Yo quiero pancakes, por favor."

James sighed with reluctance. He couldn't say no to that three year old face.

"Fine. Puedes tener panqueques."

Mateo squealed grabbing his father's face and kissing him soundly on the cheek. Then he moved towards Vanessa and did the same thing.

"Good Morning, baby." He said to her stomach.

"Say buenas dias, Dora." Vanessa told her son.

"Buenas dias, Dora!" Mateo kissed her stomach then scrambled off to get into mischief.

"I'll go after him. He'll get into the flour again." James rolled out the bed and kissed his wife, putting on a shirt as he went.

" Hey! Does Mommy get panqueques too?"

James just grinned at his wife and then went in search of his son.

"So is that a yes?!" Vanessa yelled but was met with silence. Vanessa grumbled something about trying to pregnancy sucking as she rolled herself out of bed. She hoisted herself up, leaning back, trying to compensate for the extra weight.

Going to the bathroom for the fifth time this morning, Vanessa put on her robe and slippers making her way to the kitchen. The smells of coffee, eggs, bacon and pancakes made her mouth water.

"Uno...dos...tres...cuatro...cinco..." Her husband and son counted together, having an impromptu Spanish lesson.

"Mommy. These are huevos or eggs. I knowed that all by myself." Mateo said from behind the counter.

"Really? Wow! I'm so proud, mijo!" Vanessa shuffled herself towards the kitchen table and sat down. Waiting was the infamous, eggs,lone piece of toast and a handful of blueberries. At least he gave her a bowl of oatmeal.

"Ugh!" Vanessa's stomach flipped at the eggs. Food sensitivity was another downfall of pregnancy. Certain smells she just couldn't handle. It usually sent her to the bathroom. Just as she finished retching non-existent food into the toilet, her husband handed her a napkin and some water.

"And you wanted pancakes..." James laughed while shaking his head and helping his wife off the floor.

"It's not funny! I'm puking everywhere, I look like a miniature whale and I can't stop crying." Vanessa whined. "I don't know if I can do this for another five months!"

By then the waterworks were steady and flowing. The hormones has turned Vanessa into a weeping mess and she hates it.

"It's okay, baby. I'm right here with you. And you don't look like a whale. You look sexy, beautiful and amazing. You are the same stubborn, strong and caring woman I fell in love with. You are my wife and the mother of my son and daughter."

James cradled his wife against his front smiling. There wasn't a happier man on earth.

"Thank you baby. I love you." Vanessa kissed him on the lips, appreciating the rumble in his chest.

"I love you too. Now let's go finish breakfast then I can tell you about tonight. Especially since Mateo is staying with Grandma Ilsa tonight."

Vanessa didn't miss the heat in her husband's eyes as he looked at her up and down. She chuckled to herself, those looks were how she got into this situation the in first place.

The day was long but prosperous. James took Mateo to daycare, before going to work. Vanessa drove herself to the doctor's office for her check up. Then she went to work as a small business owner. Idle housewife didn't sit too well with her.

Walking into her elite publishing company, Vanessa Scott Publishing, her assistant Fern met her at the door.

"Morning Mrs. Rodrigo, you have lunch at 2 with a Mr. Thomas, messages from Erica, Dorothy and Karen. They need the final approval on September's numbers and designs. Kristina needs to talk again,she wants that 5.3 million. Mr. Rodrigo called. He's picking you up at six for dinner. Oh and a Rachel Bradberry is in your office. I tried to get her to leave."

"Thank you, Fern. It's alright." Vanessa rolled her eyes to the sky. Rachel Bradberry is a typical new york socialite. Snobby,rich, and born with a silver spoon in her mouth. She thinks she's entitled to the world because her father owns a third of the world's oil. She also happens to be James' ex.

Rachel Bradberry is a red headed amazon. She has brown eyes and freckles. Her clothes scream money and opulence. She looks like a really bad Lana Del Rey wannabe. Most would call her beautiful, Vanessa would call her a bitch.

"Vanessa darling! How are you? How's Daniel?" Rachel said standing up as soon as she saw Vanessa waddle in.

"We are fine Rachel."

"Oh my god. You have gotten so big!" Rachel's eyes popped out at seeing her stomach stick out so much.

"Yup. That happens when you are four months pregnant. What do you want, Rachel?"

"How's that precious little boy of yours?" She palmed the picture of Mateo that Vanessa took while at the beach a few months ago. Not a lot people know but Vanessa is an amateur photographer.

"He's fine."

"I hope no one wants him back."

"What?" Vanessa's eyes narrowed.

"I'm just saying. You never know who's watching." Rachel smiled smugly, knowing she hit a nerve.

Vanessa couldn't take anymore of the subtle jabs at her family. Vanessa pushed herself into Rachel's intimate space.

"Look. Don't you ever talk about my family again. My family is my concern. Not yours. Now because your father is a such good friend of me and my husband, I won't call security. Now leave."

"Why in the hell did he pick you? A nobody from Boston." Rachel's eyes seethed with malice.

They were so engrossed in their battle of wills that they didn't hear when James came in.

"I picked her because I love her and she’s nothing like you. Now Rachel please leave before you upset my wife anymore. It's not good for our daughter."

Even though he sounded calm, Vanessa could see the anger under the mask. There was a steely glint to his eyes.

"Oh Daniel! I didn't see you there. We were just having girl talk. Well I have an appointment to go to, darlings. Ta ta!"

Rachel glided out of the office and out of the building in all her expensive glory.

"I really don’t like her. I don't know what you saw in her."

"I don't either. It doesn't matter cause I have you." James came towards his wife and kissed her fully on the lips.

"What are you doing here? I thought you had a meeting.”

“I did. I finished early. So I thought I’d surprise you for lunch. This morning didn’t go so well and you didn’t eat a lot at breakfast.”

“Baby, I would love to have lunch with you...and maybe some dessert to go with it.” Vanessa looked at her husband in a suit, eyes sparking. “But I have a business meeting at lunch with a major investor.”

“He rescheduled to tomorrow. Fern was going to come in to tell you but I told her I would do it.”

“I have too much still to do.”

“Aw. Come on. I’ll buy you a burger…” James said. Vanessa quickly grabbed her purse and keys.

“It better have a bacon on it.”

* * *

Vanessa had two more months to go in her pregnancy. She was even bigger than before. She could no longer see her toes or get out of a bed without assistance.

"I'm so ready to have this kid out of me." Vanessa finally got out of the bed.

"Mommy! We go to park today?" Mateo said looking up at his mother. Vanessa bent down to pick up her son.

"Yes, honey. But first you have to go get dressed. Where's Daddy?"

Mateo shrugged and Vanessa picked up her phone and dialed up her husband.

"Hey querida."

"Hey. So I thought we were taking Mateo to the park today?"

"I'm sorry baby. I got called in by Vincent. I'll be done in an hour or so. And as soon as I'm done I'll be over there. Promise."

"Okay I'll call Kim to come with us. Just hurry please."

"Alright. I love you. Let me talk to Mateo."

"I love you too. Okay." She handed the phone to Mateo as she put him on the floor.

While that was going on, Vanessa went to call her friend and make breakfast. About an hour later, they made it to the park. As soon as the car stopped, Mateo made a mad dash for the swings.

"Mateo stay where we can see you!" Vanessa yelled after him.

Kim and Vanessa made their way over to a picnic table close to the playground.

“So how are you lately? How’s Auntie’s baby?” Kim smiled while taking out the sandwiches.

“We are good. Ready to get this baby out of me. She’s good too.”

“Well you look like you are about to pop.”

“I feel like it.” Vanessa laughed and dug into her portion.

“How’s that husband of yours? Does he have any friends?”

“I’ll see what I can do.” Vanessa said. Unfortunately, she should’ve been more vigilant when going out in public. The paparazzi follow you everywhere when you are the wife of New York City’s former most eligible bachelor.

“Vanessa! Vanessa! What do you say on the comment that your husband was seen with Rachel Bradberry last week at Butter?!” Camera flashes went off in her face blinding her.

“Are you and Daniel getting a divorce?!What about the allegations that is not Daniel’s baby!”

Kim hurriedly packed up the picnic as Vanessa pushed through the crowd of photographers. However, if she was paying attention, she would’ve realized that Mateo was missing.

“Mateo! Mateo!” Vanessa ran towards the monkey bars, which is where she saw him last.

“Come on Mateo! It’s time to go, we are going to see Daddy! Mateo!”

Then a huge pit settled in Vanessa’s stomach. Usually Mateo would come running when he heard his name being called. A really bad feeling came over her. Mateo was missing.

“MATEO! WHERE ARE YOU?” Vanessa panicked and started crying. She ran over to the monkey bars, then the swings and then the merry-go-round. He was gone and she didn’t even know who took him.

Getting her wits about her, Vanessa walked over to Kim and told her the news. Then she pulled out her phone, dreading the conversation she was about to have.

* * *

It had been a month since Mateo disappeared and Vanessa had yet to get out of bed or barely eat.

"Baby, please, you gotta eat." James looked down at his wife with concern.

"I'm not hungry." Vanessa eyes were swollen and puffy with tears. She had lost a bit of weight, making her feel lightheaded. She had cried so much she soaked her pillow. Despite her depressive mood, James gotten into their bed and hugged her to his chest.

"Baby. Please eat. If not for me. If not for yourself. Do it for our daughter. "

"Okay." James gave her a bowl of soup.

"Kim is coming over today. Then I'm going to the police station. Talk to Officer Connors."

"Whatever. I'm going back to bed." Vanessa rolled over.

"That's all you do, nowadays. All you do is sleep. When are you going to come back to me? I miss you. Please I want my wife back. "

"Well I want my son back."

"I know you do. I do too. But we have a daughter to think about. She'll need a mother."

"So does my son." That's when James became upset with grief.

"You mean the son that isn't even yours?" He bit out.

"Take that back!" Vanessa screamed.

"Our daughter. The daughter that is half of you and half of me is inside you. And she needs you to live. I won't let you give up on her!" James was red in the face with anger. It upset him that she just gave up.

"At the expense of Mateo?!"

"He's not our son!" James yelled, Vanessa flinched like he slapped her.

"Get out." Vanessa was dejected.

"Babe, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

"GET! OUT!" Vanessa screamed.

"Babe..." James reached out for his wife but she moved out of his reach. He sighed, got his coat and keys then left out the door.

Vanessa cried even harder than before. She knew that not only has she lost her son but she just lost the love of her life.

* * *


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46 Reviews


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Wed Apr 16, 2014 1:22 pm
Astronaut wrote a review...



Hello!

I'm not from NYC, but I might as well be. I spend a lot of time there. I was there yesterday, in fact! I'm not going to write a full review, but there are a few things that I want to let you know about, for accuracy's sake. That is, assuming you're not from New York, but I'm guessing you're not.

As Unconsoled said below, $700 is way too much. $300 is expensive, so I would say something like that if you want it to seem expensive.

Your story is perhaps the most culturally diverse story I have ever read. I don't know if you were trying to make a point about how diverse New York is (because it is really diverse), but it's a little unrealistic. Like I said, I went to New York just yesterday, and I can't recall any of the people I talked to being a nationality other than American. If anyone, the taxi driver might have had an accent, but I couldn't quite hear (although taxi drivers do tend to be the most likely to be from another country).

Vanessa wouldn't necessarily be followed around by paparazzi. James wasn't followed around by paparazzi at all. Also, celebrities aren't ALWAYS followed. I saw Jennifer Aniston once in the city, and no paparazzi were in sight.

At the beginning, I think you meant to say hotel instead of motel. They're not the same, and there's no way you could find a motel in New York.

I hope this helped!




Qoh16 says...


Actually I was raised in New York City thank you. And its not supposed to be accurate. It was just a backdrop for the story. The technical stuff isn't accurate and isn't intended to be.



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Mon Apr 14, 2014 4:45 pm
Stori wrote a review...



Hello; I'm Stori, here to review your work.

Usually it was very difficult for Vanessa to see in the dark but the streets of New York were so illuminated, it felt like a hug from the sun.


Very nice simile you have there.

Walking up to the big oak door painted green, she saw that it was still open. Throwing back the door, she stepped into the cloying heat and walked to front desk.


There's a couple of problems with these sentences. First of all, "big oak door painted green" is a rather unusual word order and might trip readers up. Perhaps you could change it to "big, green-painted oak door" or some such.

Next up, why do you state that it (the door, I'm assuming) is open but then have Vanessa "throw it back"? Did you mean to say that the hotel (or is it a motel?) was open?

Her once brightly flamed-ginger mop now shined a dull copper was tied in a severe bun.


This is one of my pet peeves. As scholarly types will tell you, the past tense of "shine" is "shone". And speaking of tenses, it seems like you switched to present a couple of times.

The hormones has turned Vanessa into a weeping mess and she hates it.


Here, for instance, you deviated from past tense. It's pretty easy to fix- just "has" to "had" and "hates" to hated.

I like this piece, though it could stand to have more details. What did Vanessa and James do on their first date? You mentioned that Mateo doesn't look like her, but what does she look like? Maybe if you answered these and other questions, this story could become the start of a novel. (I hope so; I'd like to find out what happens to everyone.)

I've given you quite a bit to think on. Hopefully this review will help you improve what is already a fascinating story.




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Sun Apr 13, 2014 8:51 am
ShakespeareWallah wrote a review...



Hi!

So she was content on watching him work in silence; secretly hoping to get a glimpse of his latest book.


Your use of a semicolon here is wrong. Semicolons usually connect two independent clauses, meaning both the elements should be able to stand alone as a complete sentence. The second element in the quoted sentence, "secretly hoping to get a glimpse of his latest book" does not stand alone on its own. Therefore, you cannot use a semicolon there. A comma would be great.

Her features were delicate, to the crystal blue eyes, straight nose, and kind smile. Vanessa, thought her handicap only made her more beautiful.


Cut the words I've bold. "To the" is unnecessary and the comma after Vanessa messes the whole sentence up.


Halfway into the chorus of Adele's sultry Someone Like You, a crackle came over the bus' P.A. system.


Write song names in italic. Bus' should be bus's. Because: "Form the possessive singular of nouns by adding 's" (The Elements of Style)

"Arriving in New York City in five minutes. Welcome to the Big Apple" a brutish man with a thick black mustache and Slavic accent announced.


MARK THEN QUOTE

Always write: "something something [comma]" something.
In this sentence's case: "...to the Big Apple," a brutish man...
This recurs in the story several times.

Some she recognized as gang symbols others were just running together on the contours of his face.


Needs a comma after other.

She decided to act oblivious to the monstrosity in her face


I'm a bit confused with this sentence. Who is the second "her"?

"Excuse me " she declared to the air seeing how no one apologized or responded. Deeming it safer to move than stay stationary, Vanessa started her way down the sidewalk. Both sides of buildings were lit up like those switchboards Derek always talked about. To her it was magical.


There should be a comma after 'to her' in the last sentence. The whole thing about how in big cities people don't apologize very much and how that is different for Vanessa because she's from a small town is quite a lot filmy. It sounds like chick lit. You don't want it to sound like chick lit.
I feel you should avoid descriptions like this and let the character just describe the scenes she's seeing.

Walking up to the big oak door painted green, she saw that it was still open. Throwing back the door, she stepped into the cloying heat and walked to front desk.


Both the sentences have the same construct, which is perfectly fine. But the reader sometimes can feel monotonous reading the same type of construct. So you could try doing a bit of variation and mix these kinds of sentences that have introductory phrases with declarative sentences.

The woman behind the desk was a frail woman of 65 years of age.


There is NOTHING wrong with repetition. But you should refrain from it (I think) whenever you can help it. You don't need to say woman twice in this sentence. You can just reorganize: The woman behind the desk was frail and 65 years of age.

Her once brightly flamed-ginger mop now shined a dull copper was tied in a severe bun.


this has the potential of being a great sentence, but because the punctuations are a bit messed up, it isn't.
How about: Her once brightly flamed ginger mop, now shining a dull copper, was tied in a severe bun.

"Well it $700 a night. Which is $4,900 for seven days." Vanessa's face twisted into worry.


I don't know about motel prices and all, but it is imperative, for authenticity's sake, to make some checks. If you're from New York, you can just go visit a few of them. If not, I bet there are some YWSers who're from New York and would be willing to help you.

“Today is yer lucky day, lass. That lesig lass just quit and it a maid we be wantin. ”

I have no idea on dialects, but it is wise always to check if you are correct by contacting a person who has good knowledge on it. Also, always write: nothin', wantin', fightin', etc. The apostrophe is imperative.

Vanessa just look at her blankly.


looked.

“I do? I’m your new waitress?” she asked astonished.


needs a comma after asked.

Having her curiosity get the best of her she investigated the other rooms.


Is a person allowed to go to the other rooms?

The man was ultra hot, think Alex Pettyfer in a suit with a hint of shadow.


Don't make us picture the guy with an actor you want us to picture him with. Give descriptions. How his hair is, what he's wearing (not just a suit, but what kind of suit? what kind of make?)...stuff like that. Don't say that the guy is "ultra-hot". Because then you are telling the reader upright that Vanessa finds this guy attractive. Create some pressure. Tell descriptions in way that the reader gets that Vanessa finds this guy "ultra-hot".

“I’m sorry but I have to run. Sorry for running into you. Thank you again.”


Why is she thanking him?

Making her way to the back, she sat in a seat near the exit and strategically able to see the whole bus.


Re-write this sentence. I know what you're trying to say but it isn't clear.

He wasn’t really tall, dark and handsome but he was tall and handsome. Oh so very handsome. However, he exuded waves and waves of power, making her shiver down to her toes.


See, you're doing it again. You can't and shouldn't make the story sound like a gooey chick-lit book that girls who-have-no-reason-to-live read.

Also, he didn’t seem to interested, just concerned with a lawsuit or something.


*so. I don't think the last element of the sentence really gives us anything. The guy asked for her name. You didn't tell us how he acted when he asked her that. That is why the mention of lawsuits come of out of the blue.

Then it turned it turned into sort of a giggle.

A typo, I think.

She pulled out her Galaxy Note 3 and searched for the nearest police station.

I love how you say 'Galaxy Note 3', but I'd rather you write 'a cell-phone'.
Also, she doesn't once call out to the bus that there's a baby underneath the seats.

Out the corner of her eye, shesaw something white in the baby carrier.


“No. Just the note.” Officer Connors. took a minute to read the note for herself. Another officer came out of the back and stood by the first one.


Write complete sentences. Fragments don't work here.

TECHNICAL POLICE WORK

I don't know if you have, but you can go and check how this types of cases where a child gets left out are handled in police station. You say that no social workers are available at the time the Mateo is taken to the station...you should check on that too.

"Then why do you have a kid?" Kim asked giving her a cup if of oolong tea once they were situated in the typical new york city studio apartment. Then Vanessa proceeded to tell Kim her adventure.


His answer was a smile. "Then you are going to stay with Ms. Ilsa and Alieen while I work. But let's first get some breakfast." Vanessa grabbed the phone and smiled.


You should mention that the the housekeeper is okay with Vanessa getting a baby out of nowhere.

"Look. I'm sorry. Thanks for the offer but I have so much on my plate right now. Here's your check."


The "ultra-hot" guy has not even started eating yet. He should get the check later.

Vanessa ran back to the kitchen to hung up her apron and swiftly walked to the stairs.


However, she didn't realize that he the guy from downstairs was following her. She pulled her key from her pocket and let herself in.


"So this is why you won't go out with me." A devilish grin said from the doorway.


This is harassment. The guy cannot just follow her to her room. It doesn't make sense to me. (Just telling you my opinion.)

"Yup...so um...sir...I cant can't go out with you."


That's when she realized who was the one making the noise. He let go and grinned at her.


" This is why Google was invented. Just give me that business card."

-_- this sounds creepy. (another of my opinion.)

"Yo quiero pancakes, por favor."


Is he talking Spanish because he's Hispanic?
"Why in the hell did he pick you? A nobody from Boston." Rachel's eyes seethed with malice.
They were so engrossed in their battle of wills that they didn't hear when James came in.
"I picked her because I love her and she’s nothing like you. Now Rachel please leave before you upset my wife anymore. It's not good for our daughter."


Stuff like this doesn't work. They don't make the story meaningful. The dialogues read like they were taken from a soap opera. That is perhaps because the characters are stereotyped.
You should try not to do that. The characters should be humane, so that the reader can relate to them.

***

Okay,
the story is nice, plot wise. But you have to take care of these little problems that surface in your work. Whenever I write something, it turns out shit*y at first. But then I go over it again, and again. That's how I discover my mistakes, typos, and other stuff. I gather that you want to send it to a contest, so I would advise you to do more drafts. That way the story gets honed to perfect shape.

Keep writing,
Unconsoled.
feel free to PM me if you have a question or something.




Qoh16 says...


Thanks for your comments. Yeah I know it's rough, it's my first draft. So I expected the comments to be harsh.




I have writer's block. I can't write. It is the will of the gods. Now, I must alphabetize my spice rack.
— Neil Gaiman