Hey! I'm here to offer you a good review (hopefully)
So, I really enjoyed this, I feel as if you captured innocence and childhood really well.
I also like how the last line has so much meaning in it, with it symbolising leaving childhood and innocence behind. I love it!
So, Iggy already touched on the combining of shorter lines, I think that's a good idea. You can still keep the simple, to the point poem that it is, that captures innocence, but combine lines to make it flow better.
For example combining
I once
went to Greece
and played among the grass
at a park
To become.
I once went to Greece
And played among the grass at a park
See, how it just has a better flow, because you aren't pausing for a new line every second word? You probably know all this stuff anyway, so just go through and revise it.
Another thing is cutting out words that aren't needed. For example you have
There were other children
there
and though they spoke
You can get rid of the second 'there', we know that the there are children at the park, you don't need to tell us twice. Little stuff like that will just make for a better flow and help the reader understand more easier and will get to the point.
I do really enjoy this, and it is a sweet poem. And all the things I pointed out are super small, and can be easily fixed.
Good job and keep writing
Nargles xx
Points: 7136
Reviews: 191
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