z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Elementárni ~ 1.2 *adjusted*

by Pompadour


(...continued).



∩| WARNING THREE



It was late. The warning was late. Bernard Mason knew as much, and he would have informed his murderer so, had he the ability to die and speak at the same time. As it was, nobody knew of the mistake. Nobody except the assassin herself.

Rule Number Two: Caustics do not make mistakes.



The very air seemed to shatter into a thousand pieces as the shots were heard again: once, twice, three times. The money in Heaney’s hand fell from his limp grasp and fluttered towards the sleet-covered tarmac, like a shower of autumn leaves. His mouth fell open but he couldn’t scream. He was a man on the sidelines, watching murder happen before his very eyes. What else could it be, if not murder?

He knew, Heaney thought, horror-struck. Mason knew.

He just stood there, gaping, as the inhabitants of Rainside Street filtered out of their homes, rushing like ants, having panicked after hearing the gunfire. Several women screamed. There was a hush as a few people rushed to where Mason had fallen. A rivulet of crimson had bloomed around him, not creeping out like tendrils of some leafy plant; but gushing, like red-hot liquid. A sudden memory of a pub flashed through Heaney’s mind, the smell of alcohol, sweat and wafting intoxication. Death was a gamble, he thought, a card game of vibrant reds and blacks and whites. One person pulled the ace, the other was left to fall. Winners and losers. Such was the reality of life.

This was Brian Heaney’s first philosophical thought.

It was also his last.

Heaney walked towards the scene as if in a daydream, although it was more like a nightmare. The world was a haze of sultry sighs and yells that resounded as though from a distance, at least to his ears, like everything had been muffled by layers of cotton cloth. The sound of the sirens pierced the haze, sudden and ringing; they surrounded him in close to no time flat as he stood by the crowd, blinking blearily and wondering just how the fates ticked—malicious things. The ambulances arrived, as did the police. Heaney wasn’t able to get a look at Mason; he was always surrounded by a crowd of people. Medics rushed to his aid, but the man was pronounced dead on the spot.

‘Nobody leaves the area,’ Heaney heard a pot-bellied police officer saying with a strong Bristol accent, as the ambulance whisked off past the crowd. ‘If anyone has any information, they are requested to divulge it to the authorities immediately.’

Heaney pushed through the crowd, his feet feeling like lead, and found himself standing by the back of a police van, face to face with the inspector; he repeated to the police what Mason had told him to say, stumbling over the words slightly. He was still in shock. It had all happened too fast – too fast for him to understand. He felt numb and mindless. The police nodded at him, not unkindly, and told him they would contact him again for further questioning after the post-mortem. Finally, Heaney staggered back down the road for what seemed to be the millionth time that day.

Home, he thought. He just wanted to go home.

The crisp pound notes that Mason had handed him lay forgotten, buried beneath a fresh layer of snow.

~* ~

The woman smiled to herself as she slid the gun deeper in her bullet-proof bag. Everything about her was bullet-proof, it seemed—from her cold, crow-black eyes to the lack of expression on her face. It was part of her profession and today’s job, although simple, had taken ten years to plan and organize. Ten years of burning hatred, of careful planning and training; the task had become almost an obsession. It had all been worth it, though, in the end, she thought, despite that one minor slip up. She cringed when she thought about it, but all was safe, she reassured herself. No one had to know the warning was late; the only other person who did know was dead. She was safe. Her Commander, Paulo, would not find out. He would not punish her for her lapse. It was considered artless to kill without Warning. It was considered dishonourable, and low.

The assassin did not want to be either.

Slipping her pack over her shoulders, she moved swiftly through the folds of the night, slinking away from the blood and the noise. A silent laugh escaped from her lips as the sound of sirens reached her ears.

Stupid humans, she thought. Never arrive on time. Useful, though, despite all their ignorance.

Her lips curved upwards in a wicked smile as she ran through the gardens, leaping over the hedges and nimbly landing on her feet. She reached the main road and pulled her jacket around her tightly, even though she didn’t need it. Fluffing up her hair, she began walking at a more leisurely place. An innocent, out to run a couple of errands before returning home. No one would suspect anything. No one ever suspected anything.

The streets were more or less uninhabited now, as the cold weather worsened – was it possible for it to worsen? – and the sky darkened overhead. Night was coming in fast, and the streetlights were already on; the light pooled in trickles of yellowish gold on the pavement. The white snow looked as though it had been tinted with stained-glass colours in the night—a mound of frozen honey, and the snowflakes were bees that buzzed towards the ground. The cold was beautiful, and the woman-assassin did not understand why humans despised it so.

She caught sight of a man trudging by along the road, and saw that it was the same person she had seen Mason talking to, moments before he died. He walked in a slump, head bowed forward, like he was hoping that the cold would swallow him up, or that he’d dissolve in himself. He was a witness, the assassin thought, and it was dangerous to let him live. She had killed many people in her time, and she felt sympathetic towards none of them. Dying was dying; a simple process, uncomplicated and blunt, but requiring subtlety. It did not matter who or what the dead left behind. She made her mind up in seconds: The man had to be dealt with lest he turn out to be a threat, both to her and to her organization: Calatria. She glanced around quickly, but not a cat yowled on the street tonight. She followed the man as he turned into an alleyway and walked on, past a dumpster and a peeling advertisement on the wall (Falling follicles? Herbert’s hair-growth formula is for you!).

The man sure could use it, she mused, catching sight of his bald head shining in the dim light as she slipped in after him, into the alleyway. She watched as he stopped stock-still in the middle of the walk, as if struck by some sudden thought, or like he could sense the presence of another. And then, perhaps acting on a whim, or by some sheer force he could not understand, Heaney turned around, so his face was in full view. A glazed, empty expression had latched itself to his features. The assassin couldn’t help but smile superciliously as the expression shifted slightly. His eyes widened with surprise and unmistakable fear.

‘Who—?’ he began to say, but stopped suddenly, as if deciding he didn’t want to know. He hadn’t noticed the woman’s presence in the alleyway before, but he could tell that her being there was anything but good news. He turned on his heel suddenly, as if to flee. But the man couldn’t have taken more than a couple of steps in the opposite direction when the woman-assassin raised a pale hand against the frigid wall of winter.

‘S’tiun’ra,’ she whispered, and the air around her seemed to heat up suddenly, rising and billowing like steam in a furnace. It would’ve suffocated any normal person, but suffice to say, Calatria's assassins were anything but normal. The assassin laughed quietly as Heaney stopped in his tracks; he was no more than putty in her hands. His back was still towards her. It was a pity, really, she thought, because that meant he wouldn’t be able to look death in the face. Or maybe it was better this way, because she really didn’t like the way bullets ripped apart faces. It rendered them ... unrecognisable, and even humans did not deserve to be forgotten, insignificant dolts though they may be. Cocking her head slightly, she wondered which angle was best to shoot from, scrutinizing the man’s paunchy frame. He was several paces away from her, nearly six feet away, in fact. She wouldn’t even need the scope to aim at him.

But ah, where’s the fun in that?

Discreetly pulling out the rifle from the bag slung over her slender shoulders, the assassin allowed herself a moment to survey the weapon. It was a Bangcracker with sniper-scope, lightweight and fast. Louder, perhaps, than was necessary for a prototype, but so far it had always managed to do its job. The swiftest of weapons, cutting straight through a person’s arteries like knife through paper. A .297 cartridge, already loaded, filled with a synapse-numbing liquid that first drove man unconscious, before letting the poison flood his veins. Metal was so much more fun to kill with than frost. She raised the rifle until the sniper-scope was approximately level with her eyes. She didn’t notice the fact that the man was shivering, that his coat was patched and he didn’t have a hat, even in this cold. She didn’t wonder if he had a family; a job; a hobby, or what kind of life he led. It wasn’t her job to wonder, because life meant nothing to her. They were all the same, humans, with their precious, foolish natures, and the only thing this man had in common with her previous victims was death.

Smiling, she pressed down on the trigger. There was no Warning.

CRACK.

~End of Chapter One, Part Two.~


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Sun Feb 22, 2015 12:59 am
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hey, Pomp! I have returned to try and do my best to critique.

One tiny thing really threw me off guard, so much so that I went back to the first chapter to check. What is this gut's name?? In this part, it talked about Brian Heaney having his first philosophical thought... but wasn't his name Thomas? Not sure if that's a typo or a name change, since he's always called Heaney. Something that startled me.

Oh yeah, and I should mention now, I'm still not reading other reviews, so sorry if something was already mentioned! >.<

Why must you make this so much more difficult for me? To be honest, I'm not really sure there is much wrong with this chapter, since the descriptions are a ton, ton less. The flow is perfected, edging me along with each word as I crave to know more. Just one part seemed to have an overly dense place of description, and that's when it comes in the last paragraph. It goes on about how the rifle is, every tiny detail about how it's a proto-type, what kind of caliber it is, just those things which seem very unnecessary.

I'm really curious what this Warning is. After reading through this entire chapter, I'm sort of able to put two and two together to guess that maybe that bolt of lightning before had was said Warning? I'm also liking how this is capitalized, showing the importance of said Warning and giving us these hints along what they are.

This character who's perspective we were suddenly thrown into is rather interesting and it makes me wonder why the narrator from before has suddenly disappeared on us. Shall they not inform us of this person as they did with Heaney? Just something which I noticed.

That's is. Everything else I have is praise, praise, praise, but I am loving how easily you intertwine the fantasy aspect of this and I am eager to see more! Happy Review Day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~




Pompadour says...


Ahhh, I changed his name somewhere in the middle and forgot. XD His name is actually Thomas, though; thank you for catching that!

Thaaank you for this. ^^ So many helpful points, as per usual.



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Mon Jan 12, 2015 2:06 am
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Sonder says...



Marvelous. I'm so intrigued. I'll try to be more ruthless with the last chapter. >.>




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TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here!

I would love to give you a nice long review on this, Dory. Honestly I would. But looking at this, I think the only new thing I could comment on is your style - because the story seems the same to me, or at least, I think. It has been about five months since I read this piece. xD You know what? It's pretty impressive I remember so much of your work. Keep that in mind. Whatever you had written previously, it was memorable enough that I remembered the story for this long.

Your style, of course, is both phenomenally better and different. So different.

Rule Number Two: Caustics do not make mistakes.


I found this really, really neat. How you scatter their rules in the chapter, just feeding us little tidbits of it so that we begin to learn how they work and all.

Heaney pushed through the crowd, his feet feeling like lead, and found himself standing by the back of a police van, face to face with the inspector; he repeated to the police what Mason had told him to say, stumbling over the words slightly


I think this should have been two sentences? It didn't feel run-on or anything, and to me everything seemed properly punctuated, but there is such a lovely sentence ending. right. there. See it? Right after inspector. Funny. That sentence would be some people's paragraphs. :P

Nobody leaves the area,’ Heaney heard


So that part was great. Added a bigger sense of urgency and bigness to the situation, but if you read the paragraph lower, it says that once Heaney told the police what he knew, he just left. Well, the police didn't tell Heaney and everyone else to only stay if they had information - and then once they told, they could leave. They said: Nobody leaves the area. PERIOD. There was no place that I could see in which the police made exceptions. So I think there needs to be a part of sentence or something where the police tells him he can go, or something like: After being released by the police, etc... or something similar. You can do it so much better than I can, anyway. :P

It was part of her profession and today’s job, although simple,


These seemed like two, very distinct thoughts and putting them together in the way you did strangled the second because I was still thinking about her profession and what the part was and all that stuff. So I don't know what you can do, but maybe re-wording or strategic placement of commas in there somewhere? You know what to do. ^.^

to the lack of expression on her face


I really liked this, and it painted a cool picture. Also, it was really neat that even her emotions had been trained out of her, until she was just what they wanted, and needed. In some ways, she almost seemed like a drone... somewhat. And then not. Take a look down there.

Her lips curved upwards in a wicked smile


A silent laugh escaped from her lips


Dun mind the slice. Just a suggestion. But look at those two parts I pulled out, and then the one up above. They totally rub. Like two different sides of a magnet. They don't work together at all. To be honest, I like her better as we go through because I find that I don't like her. Not at all. If there was a lack of emotion and expressions on her face (and inside, because that is where facial expressions derive) I don't think it would have been much fun to explore her, because there wouldn't have been anything to explore. But she did have expressions, she did have a personality. And she was sooo much fun to explore in this chapter. Call me morbid, but I like evil characters. They are, as a rule, more fun than the good. :P So I think you should change the first quote to match the two down below, that way it makes more sense and doesn't pull your reader out of the story there.

and the woman-assassin did not


We know she is a woman, silly. :P It's like saying the woman-doctor or woman-lawyer. You have told us she is a woman, so there is no need to reiterate it except with one word: she.

He was several paces away from her, nearly six feet away, in fact.


Six feet is two paces - to be precise, I guess. My stride is a little less than three feet. So maybe a few strides?

filled with a synapse-numbing liquid that first drove man unconscious


I didn't get that part... What happened to the bullet? You were talking about this sniper rifle, and this cartridge and all... and then you started talking about a liquid... Maybe expand on that a little more, if you want to keep it. Remember: a bullet is pretty powerful as it is. I dun think any poison would help matters much.

Discreetly pulling out the rifle from


How and why discreetly? She holds it for a long time - so there goes the discreetness. And why discreetly, when her need for being quiet seems to be over. I mean, she is just about to make A LOT of noise with her fancy bang bang, so no need to be too careful, right?

There was no Warning.


Warning meant to be capitalized?

Oh, gosh. It looks like I have said only negative things about your work up until now, but this one was even better than the chapter (or part of) directly before. You know how much I enjoy your writing, and love your beautiful style. I say it in every review, so much so I am sure it becomes quite redundant. I just love reading your stuff, because it's so you, and has so much vivid imagery and powerful story and just gah! Perfect.

Now come on and let me see why she would do this to poor Heaney, would you? Meanie. Post the edited chapter 1... but no chapter 3 or anything? Shaaaaame on you.

See ya next time! And you called yours a short review. Pssssh.
~Darth Timmyjake




timmyjake says...


I don't know if it's something you do with your moddy powers or not, but this wasn't placed as a review because I had already written one for the work. Is that something you do?



Pompadour says...


I marked it as a review! It should show up now. :3
Thanks for the amazing review! :o I'll work on all them things now.
Chapter 3 will come ... with time. :P



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Wed Apr 23, 2014 2:24 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Allo again :3

Wow... what a way to end! No more Mason (although we could foresee that coming), but also no more Heaney? All that we have left to follow now is this stealthy murderer, who seems to be out of this world. Although we know a bit about her she is still such a mystery! I am looking forwards to finding out more about her.

I really loved this and there is only one thing I would point out to do with the transition. Heaney goes to the police station... so wouldn't he go home from there? Also, in all the time it took for them to clean up the mess and for Heaney to go and be interrogated... would the woman only just be slipping away her gun? I don't think so. Maybe you could still start it there, but you'd have to have her go to the police station and wait outside. Or maybe you should just mention that Heaney was interrogated right there, in the back of a police van or something if you would like to scene to stay where it is at the current moment.

So again, a short review but all the reviewers before me stole whatever I would've wanted to stay. Your writing, as always, is a pleasure to read <3

Deanie x




Pompadour says...


I think I should clarify that bit. >.< Heaney didn't go to the police station -- the police actually interrogated him right there. I should add a few details, methinks.
Thanks a bunch for the review! You pointed out something I hadn't really noticed before and it's going to be a huge help in the editing process! :D



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TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy is here for a review!

So, as always, Nitpicks first!

The woman smiled to herself as she slid the gun deeper in her bullet-proof bag.

Her lips curved upwards in a wicked smile as she ran through the gardens silently,

Smiling, she pressed down on the trigger.

---For two or three pages, she smiles three times... That makes sense. A maniacal smile. Deranged smile. But you could look into synonyms. Seems rather redundant.


A shrill, drilling sound ripped through the air like diamond cutting through glass.


I can only assume that this is the rifle that whatsherface shot at the whatchamacallit--Bernard Mason--to kill him. I know it is a different sort of rifle, but to make it more authentic, it should make the same sound as all rifles... Rifles may have a "drillling sound", but not a "shrill" sound. Its more like a... crack that seems to go through you... even if the bullet's target isn't you. A crack that rings in your ears. A crack that demands for you to forget all else save for itself. But not a shrill sound. --A small nitpick, but one nevertheless. :)

There was a sudden hush as a few people rushed to where Mason had fallen; a rivulet of crimson had bloomed around him, creeping out like tendrils of some leafy plant. Death was a gamble; a card game of vibrant reds and blacks and whites. One person pulled the ace, the other was left to fall. Winners and losers. Such was the reality of life.


Sorry to pull so much out, but I think it was necessary. As far as death scenes go, this was brilliantly told, with vivid detail, but it lacked something. I don't know. You want something emotional going through Heaney's mind. Something that changes him. Sure, he didn't know this guy. The only thing he knew about him was that he was mysterious, and had given him a mysterious job that didn't sound right. But still. There needs to be thoughts going through his mind. Something that makes the reader feel chilled. Afraid of death him/herself.

Comments on story and style, etc...

So, the story as a whole is fantastic. Your descriptions are vivid, your story well told, without giving me pages of long detail that bore the mind. Kudos!! :D

Most of all, though, I love the way you bring your characters along. How you develop them. They start out as someone I don't even know... And now I know them. Heaney not so much because so much was happening, I was lost in the story. But this woman? This unnamed murderer/assassin? I think I know her very well, and its because of how well you portray her to me. How well you develop her character. All that in only a few pages! Awesome.

The end of the chapter? Awesome. Incredible. Cliffhanger. I could keep coming up with names for this... An amazing twist. We don't know what happened. Did the rifle go off or did someone sneak up from behind and knock her out? What happened?

Amazing job. Keep going!
~Darth Timmyjake




Pompadour says...


Thanks for the review! :D



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Tue Apr 15, 2014 5:30 am
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Snowery wrote a review...



drilling sound ripped through


Hey Pompo!! Silver here to review for you!! :) :)

Let's get straight to it shall we?

Main Points

Okay, so since it's a drilling sound, I'm assuming it's a machine gun? Isn't that a little extravagant to kill just one man? Personally if I was the killer I would have used a rifle of some sort but that's just me and this is your story :)

creeping out like tendrils of some leafy plant.


Argh! Damn it! Damn you and your brilliantly wonderful similes! Blast your captivating imagery! I refuse to read on if you keep writing this well! XD

It had all been worth it, though, in the end, she couldn’t help but think as she slipped her pack over her shoulders and moved swiftly through the folds of the night, slinking away from the blood and the noise.


I had trouble reading this sentence and had to read it a few times. I think you should remove the comma after worth it and change
but think
into just thinking

The white snow looked as though it had been tinted with stained-glass colours in the night; a mound of frozen honey, and the snowflakes were bees that buzzed towards the ground.


Stahp it!!! *Sobs*

And then Heaney turned around,


Uh-uh-uh, remember, no starting sentences with "and". You've done this a couple of times with "but" too.

It was a Bangcracker with sniper-scope, lightweight and fast.


Woah! So you do know your guns! I still think it wouldn't have sounded like a drill though :)

CRACK.


No! Heaney! *Bawls*

*Sigh* this story is such a pleasure to read. As you can see I didn't have much negative to say at all. I really want to read more so ya better keep posting :) There's a sense of atmosphere and imagery that I don't get enough of in other stories and I LOVE it. I'd love to keep going about how amazing I think this is but I'm under time pressure so I'll leave it at this. Keep it up and happy writing!! :) :)

Silverlock




Pompadour says...


Your review just made my day. <3



Silverlock says...


Yay!! :) *Grins*



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Wed Apr 09, 2014 3:32 am
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Messenger wrote a review...



Messenger is back for more, and this time you may not get any cookies. JK but to the review! *Gallops off*

The pound note in Heaney’s hand fell from his limp grasp and fluttered towards the sleet-covered tarmac.

No! NO! YOU STUPID IDIOT PICK IT UP!!! :D

a rivulet of crimson had bloomed around him, creeping out like tendrils of some leafy plant. Death was a gamble; a card game of vibrant reds and blacks and whites. One person pulled the ace, the other was left to fall. Winners and losers. Such was the reality of life.

Now that was colorful and quite a treat to read :P

past a dumpster and a peeling advertisement on the wall (Falling follicles? Herbert’s hair-growth formula is for you!)

What in the world? THAT is randomly funny.

Gaaah!!! What just happened! Did you just kill Heaney!!!! *Attacks with baseball bat*
aHEM! Anyway . . .
Now this is getting quite interesting. sounds to me like we have a real problem on our hands. And this isn't a person is it? Is it a robot? Or is it just like a really messed up person who doesn't feel. At any rate, nice mention about the prototype and caliber, for me I enjoy those little bits. The name is a little cheesy I think though, so you might want to fix it. Also, did she really need a scope to shoot a dude in the same alleyway.

And, why on earth was Mason so stupid? What was he hiding, and why? Did he create her? Was he sent to kill her? He sure didn't seem very professional. Did he want to die?Grr!
Lemme know when chapter 2 comes out!

~Messenger




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Mon Apr 07, 2014 10:36 am
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TakeThatYouFiend wrote a review...



Greetings there! Again amazing, the character of the woman assassin was brilliant!
I do have a couple of things though: Two things stood out to me as undesirably cliche. The first was the gambling metaphor. It seems to have very little to do with cards and the metaphor is overused. The second is SPEAR. Nice name, but I get the impression that the organization formed just to get the acronym, again it sounds cliche.
Other than that though I loved it. The way the woman calls everyone else humans is nice, nice to see someone else does it too :-).
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!




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Apricity wrote a review...



Heya, Subtle again for part two! I'm going to start off with the nitpicks this time, because I did them as I read your chapter. (The second time, not the first.)

A loud cracking sound ripped through the air like diamond cutting through glass. The very air seemed to shatter into a thousand pieces, and Heaney watched as Mason fell to the ground, a marionette whose strings had been cut. The shots were heard again: once, twice, three times.
Wonderful description, Pomps. But, as you pointed out in the previous part. Heaney was at a distance where Mason was nothing but a mere black shadow. So, I don't know if watched if an accurate word here, and if he were at such a distance. Would he be able to see the precise way Mason had fallen to be able to describe it as, 'a marionette whose strings had been cut.' Don't get me wrong, that is a stunning way to describe the jerky movements of someone being shot. But if he was nothing but a shadow, wouldn't it be more like a blob falling down?

A loud cracking sound ripped through the air like diamond cutting through glass.
Diamond cutting through glass is a good imagery, but are you sure you want to compare this to the cracking sound? Diamond cutting through glass will give off a somewhat shrilling and screeching sound.

as the inhabitants of Rainside Street started filtering out of their
I don't think you need to started there, and flitering could be changed to flitered.

Home, he thought. He just wanted to go home.
Clever use of shortening your sentences to place empathize on his emotions, I feel sorry for poor Heaney. I bet he won't be dreaming about anything optimistic that night.

as she ran silently through the gardens
This sounds a bit awkward, how about. 'she ran through the gardens silently'?


One person pulled the ace, the other was left to fall. Winners and losers. Such was the reality of life.
This actually worked quite well, a very nice metaphor to gambling.

She followed the man as he turned into an alleyway and walked on, past a dumpster and a peeling advertisement on the wall (Falling follicles? Herbert’s hair-growth formula is for you!)

The man sure could use it, she mused,
This is brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! So, she has a sense of humor too, or you should I say.


synapse-numbing
Synapse numbing? So the liquid numbed the pathways between neurons? Nice one, also.
first drove
I don't think you need to first there. It appears as redundant to me.

CRACK.
Mwhahha, you evil person. What a wonderful cliffhanger this is! A very clever way to keep your readers reading.

Well, ok. The nitpicks ended up being way longer than I expected, but anyways. They are all very minor nitpicks, your chapter is still brilliant as it is. Hm, I will admit I liked this part/chapter better than part one partly because it had more action and the characters were more developed. Especially the assassin. I also like the fact you have an established writing voice and the pace of your story was fast yet steady. The transitional phrase between scenes is very smooth, unlike other novels I've read where the pace was either too fast or slow. You kept things moving relatively quick enough yet not to quick so the readers won't have time to process it.

Phew, so that's all for today. Do keep on updating this and tell me when you do, I want to read it. Hoped I helped a bit!

~S.s





I don't care what the miserable excuse is for showing the death of books, live, on screen. Men, I could understand; but books! -
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