z

Young Writers Society



Not the Same

by huntingangel1200


Not the Same

I’m not the same girl, you once
Knew.
I no longer obey all the rules.
I rebel against you due to hurt.

My heart is filled with pain.
Suicidal thoughts racing through my mind.
Second-guessing everything.
Feeling like no one cares.

Light in the darkness?
True friends? Too honest?
Do they care? Will they help?
Questions racing through my mind.

Thoughts swarm my mind.
My heart beats too loudly.
My head pounding with each heart
Beat.

Lights flashing brightly in my eyes.
Should I do it?
I close my eyes and the pain leaves.

My thoughts stop, ignored by all.
Questions gone. I’m free as the
Darkness takes me over again.

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67 Reviews

Points: 214
Reviews: 67

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Mon Mar 31, 2014 12:00 am
joallover wrote a review...



Hey there! joallover here for a review on this wonderful Review Day for team Mazarine Marauders!
I have to ask, what is up with all the break up/ just plain sad poems in the romance section? I skipped over a lot of them. I liked yours though, so I decided to review. I loved the content and the way you expressed your feelings.
One complaint I did have, though, was the beginning. I had to, sort of, adjust to the poem.

"I’m not the same girl, you once
Knew.
I no longer obey all the rules.
I rebel against you due to hurt."

When you place 'knew' down there in another line, I find it is almost as though you are losing a line. To me, it is hard to read like that.

Other than that, you did great. I thoroughly enjoyed the expressive atmosphere in this. Keep calm and keep writing!
Peace Love and Fahrvergnugen!
-joallover






Thanks for the amazing review. I guess with Poetry, I still need some more experience on writing Poetry. Thanks. I'll make sure to develop more



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933 Reviews

Points: 4261
Reviews: 933

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Thu Mar 13, 2014 9:53 pm
Iggy wrote a review...



Hi! :)

I’m not the same girl, you once
Knew.


First off, if you're going to use punctuation, then use it correctly. ;) That comma isn't needed there, so away with it! Second, this is an odd two lines. You chose a weird place to break the sentence into two lines. Consider combining them back into one sentence, because the pause between "once" and "knew" is odd, ruins any flow this poem might have, and is just.. weird.

My heart beats too loudly.
My head pounding with each heart
Beat.


You repeat the same thing twice here. These can be combined into one sentence, since repeating that her heart beats isn't necessary. Well, stating that it beats isn't necessary at all, but if you want to include that, then that's up to you. I suggest you combine these into one sentence. If not, then make sure heartbeat is one word and not two. Also see my nitpick fix above for the awkward line break.


On the poem itself, I feel like each line and every stanza was lacking a punch. I know every stereotype is hard to avoid, but a girl that gets dumped by her girlfriend and kills herself? I should have seen this coming. It's came and gone so many times, that nothing about this shocks or surprises me. My biggest suggestion is you spice this up. Imagery is one thing you're lacking, so look into improving that. For instance, emotion. Pour emotion into each line so every word is powerful and strong.

Another thing you can do is tell us a story. Why, exactly, did they break up? There's got to be a reason, so tell us via the poem. Take us for a poetic journey, with imagery and literary devices and pretty word formation and so on and so forth. Try to make the reason something unique and not that he cheated on her or he left her for another woman or something like that. Maybe there was a rift in their relationship? Maybe she had a miscarriage and the grief of losing a child made them turn against each other?

Overall, this was a good poem. Nicely worded, short and simple, consistent and on track. Definitely can be improved, but can't all poems? Even if you don't change anything, it was still good, so nice work. :)






Thanks. I'll try to fix those things in the future but how I put my poem the way it is, is kind of the way I want it to be, minus the grammar mistakes. It's not a teen suicide about a girl being dumped by her boyfriend or girlfriend though. I guess I could add more of a story to my poems in the future though. So thanks again.



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27 Reviews

Points: 78
Reviews: 27

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Wed Mar 12, 2014 8:24 pm
faithless0408 wrote a review...



Hi!
I always find reviewing poetry quite difficult. I think what may be an excellent poem to one person can be total rubbish to another. I also think that poetry is an extremely personal thing. My aunty only ever wrote poetry after her mum died when she was fifteen. She said it was a way of collecting her thoughts and establishing her emotions exactly in that moment. Therefore I think poetry, especially poems like yours, are difficult to give constructive comments on. When something is so raw and personal it automatically gives your writing so much more feeling and meaning, which is definitely the case with this. However, I will do the best I can and express my own views and opinions on this.
You are talented and though this is quite dark and somewhat depressing, I believe everyone who reads this could relate to some of the emotions you've captured so brilliantly within this poem.
I'm pretty rubbish at interpreting poetry but in relatively certain this is about committing suicide. This is a subject I have trouble fully understanding but I like the way you have ended this. " I close my eyes and the pain leaves." I think ta terrible pain, be it physical or emotional, is the only thing that could drive someone to suicide and I appreciate how sensitively you've dealt with this, whilst still. Getting your ultimate point across.
Keep writing!
--Faithless






Thanks for the comment. I'm glad that I did get my point across and I'm sorry if it seems a bit dark but I just wanted to show my poetry somewhere for someone to read although a lot of mine are dark.





No problem! You do t have to apologise for your poetry being dark, I think dark poetry is often the most meaningful and emotive. I really hope you continue writing poetry!
Faithless




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