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Young Writers Society


12+

The Tales of the Argonauts: The Osorezu and the Hana (Chapter 1-2)

by ulala8


Previous Chapter: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=108700

The Present

“Give it up, Kai. I’m faster than you,” Shun gasped out as he dodged a punch that was flung by the blond Yang. His leg hooked behind her own. He swept her foot out from underneath her. She was able to set up her footing once more, but with greater difficulty than before.

“I’m not going to give up, not after an hour of sparring!" she cried out, striking at him and being deflected. "You’ll get tired! You’ll slow down!” Kai claimed, pounding her fist against her chest to show that she still had the fight left in her. Her forehead, drenched in sweat, glued her hair to the skin in messy and dangerous lines. Her skin was pale. Her breathing was laboured. There was no possible way that she could go on. She was almost sickly looking.

Nevertheless, she came at him again, preparing for a feint blow with her left fist. While he blocked this, she attempted to hook under his arm and hit his ribs with her right. However, his knee quickly rose and blocked her hit before his bent leg struck out and hit her between the breasts, sending her flying to the ground. Gasping for the breath that left her lungs, she floundered about. She'd been lucky he hadn't hit lower. With a kick that forceful, he could have ruptured her lungs.

“Give it a rest. You’ll wear out your muscles. You won't be muscley. You'll be stringy and weak,” Shun said, approaching her side and offering his hand. “Besides, you have to remember that I’m the top runner here at the Academy. There simply isn’t any beating me. I'm here and gone before you could blink.”

“You can’t lift nearly double your weight, can you?” Kai gasped out, taking his hand slowly and beginning to stand with his aid. “I have you beat there.” She nodded her head.

Shun nodded as well, “You sure do.” he smirked slightly. He was a very lanky young man of seventeen. He had thick, long hair that he tied back in a ponytail and that billowed down to the middle of his back in chocolate curls. His muscle was lean, and one could easily mistake him for a weakling for that. His eyes were odd and drooping, but held a wisdom in their umber depths. There wasn’t a single person that questioned any of his suggestions as his eyes gave off the aura that he always was certain of what to do.

Kai smiled to him and gripped his hand more firmly for a few seconds longer. She could always trust in him to believe in her. She turned from him, toward the two onlookers that were sitting atop the hill next to the sparring grounds.

“How was my form, Pualani?” Kai called out, cupping her hand around her mouth to amplify her words. This really wasn't needed, as anyone could tell you that Kai's voice could reach nearly a quarter-mile even when she didn't yell.

“Your left foot needs to be more grounded!” Pualani called in return, holding her place in her book with her thumb. Pualani was an aspiring Hana diplomat, with her nose constantly to a book or her pen to paper. Sometimes she would find herself in a daze, but she would always brush it off whenever Kai would say anything to her. Needless to say, Kai was worried for her friend, but to honour her wishes, she said nothing about it.

“What do you think, Kenichi? Am I improving?” Kai called out to the dark-skinned male that sat beside Pualani. He straightened his jacket slightly before answering. His jacket was always heavy with what Kai never knew. It was as if he were constantly smuggling something.

“Not really.” He answered, his speech garbled by his usual mysterious and foreign accent. No one was ever sure where he came from, exactly. He was reluctant to reveal his origin, as if it were a deep and dark secret. Of course, this made people quite interested in him. He was about as wise as he was perverse, which was both a compliment and an insult. He would always have a woman on his hip to flirt with and he was always the first to assume an innuendo over the literal meaning of a thing. It was an fascination of his to involve himself with women, even if he didn't become romantic or sexual with them. It was foreign. Rumour had it that he had fifteen women under his belt. Kai wasn't sure how she felt about this rumour, but she could believe that he had even a fraction of those girls.

“Damn,” Kai hissed. “Again,” she said, turning toward Shun once more and raising her fists and spreading her knees in a horse stance.

“No, Kai. I’m not sparring with you again. I gave you a bruise on your shoulder already." he said, backing away. “Give it a rest. Relax and let your muscles heal.”

Kai’s lips fell open for a good five seconds before she lowered her fists and slowly rose from her stance.

“Fine.” She sighed before turning and beginning the trek up the grassy hill to join her friends. Shun did the same, his long legs carrying him up the hill more quickly. The four of them folded their legs and began to relax in the soft, smooth grass, while their eyes looked out over the terrain that existed beside the Academy and beyond. One could watch as the well-kept and beautiful meadow began to evolve into steppes, then immediately behind the steppes were steep grey crags. A breeze swept across the hill and each of the four breathed in a collective breath and they each cherished that clean air as if it had been ages since they had smelled the fresh smell of meadow.

“Exams are in two weeks.” Pualani said, placing a bookmark in the spine of her book and setting it down beside her with a sigh. She seemed to be very much interested in her book, yet far more interested in conversation. Indeed the cover was colourful and depicting a battle, but other than that, Kai found little interest in the vast amount of pages. She failed to grasp what Pualani could find so interesting within the pages of a book that she couldn't find in life. True there were no battles waging, but if she waited only a few days... “We have to compete in a debate competition. The winner of the debate is guaranteed a position within the ranks of the Hana after graduation.”

“At least you don’t have to perform in a physical competition.” Kai argued, crossing her arms. “We have to compete in a ladder match. The losers from the bottom three tiers don’t graduate.”

“The winners and losers of the top three tiers are guaranteed an internship with any of the active soldiers of Osorezu. The winner of the competition is inducted into the ranks.” Shun explained, illuminating on the areas that Kai would have left out simply to buy for sympathy.

Kenichi scoffed bitterly. “Your group has a better chance at greatness. You have two opportunities for success, with an internship and a job. We can only be great and win, or be slightly less great and lose.”

“Try not to think of it that way, Kenichi. It’s a reward for the one that puts in the most effort and utilizes their talent.” Pualani offered, her eyes smiling toward him, and only a hint of a curl on her lips. A breeze then caught her hair, whisking the earthen waves into an elegant form around her shoulders, neck and face. Kai sighed slightly, her eyes alight with both adoration and envy for that elegance.

Kai tucked her windswept blond hair behind her ear (which proved to be of little use as the long tendrils still whipped at her vision). Why was it that Pualani could manage such elegance and she could not? Surely there was no practicality to any elegance that Kai would have, but it was still a trait that she deeply desired. Pualani's hair could gently be taken by the wind and lick at the air with the grace of a dragon's wing, but Kai's could only strike at the air and whip her eyes.

Taming her hair, Kai's eyes turned up to the clouds and her eyes filled with the sky and the soft cotton clouds that obscured the otherwise perfect blue. For a moment, she was lost in the pureness of that blue. It calmed her and took away all of her vain thoughts. However, as she continued to stare into the sky, she found herself aching. There was something empty to the sky, but at the same time, Kai felt that the emptiness was more within her. She was missing something.

“Do you ever get the feeling that there is something very important that is taking place now, and no matter how badly you want to help, you’re neither there nor would you be of any help?” Kai asked, leaning back and laying in the grass before she closed her eyes. That wasn't what she meant. Those words didn't quite explain what she was feeling.

“Where did this deep question come from?” Pualani questioned, one thick eyebrow raised.

“I don’t know.” The other girl responded before turning her head to the side.

“Yes.” Shun spoke, answering her question from before.

"Hmm..." the blond hummed out, thinking on his response. "Perhaps that's not what I meant."

"Then what did you mean?" Kenichi asked, tilting his head before filling his eyes with the sky. That strange accent of his once more mangled his words, but the group understood as if they could speak his native tongue.

"Perhaps..." she repeated, "perhaps there is something out there that you're meant to do and you just need to find it. What if we don't find it?" A sigh left her lips and she shook her head. "Never mind. The Universe has woven us each like strands of thread and we each have our own paths. We will each follow our own paths, regardless of whether there is something meant for us to do. That is the very essence of our humanity."

The conversation ended with the resounding ringing of the gong that was mounted upon the Academy building. There were three rings and the final ring was left to dissipate into nothing. The four students rose from their comfortable spots with a collection of groans and sighs and moans and stretches.

“Recreation time is over.” Shun sighed. “Back to work.”Next Chapter: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=108731


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Mon Feb 24, 2014 4:41 am
Aley wrote a review...



his eyes gave off the aura that he always was certain of what to do


Describing something as an aura is really unhelpful for everyone who hasn't seen or experienced one themselves. Not only do auras come in many shapes, sizes, colors, textures and so forth, but they're completely outside of the realm of normal people's senses, so it is better to describe something as "charisma" rather than an "aura."

She was always there for Kai, and she often served as her voice of reason.


This really is something that you're going to need to prove rather than tell like this. I'm going to be reading for the rest of this chapter now, since you TOLD me that, to prove it wrong.

“No, Kai. I’m not sparring with you again. I gave you a bruise on your shoulder already." he said, backing away. “Give it a rest. Relax and let your muscles heal.”


Well he seems more like he's watching out for her well-being than Paulani. Can we talk a minute about names?

Blonds are not traditionally Japanese and you set up everything to indicate that you are using Japanese names. Also it's somewhat throwing me off with all of these different characters at once. First we have the soldier, who I don't know the name of, perhaps he's Shun? Then we have Kai- female soldier. Next we have Paulani- female water. Last we have Kenichi who is a foreigner with the same type of name as Kai and Paulani? Can't we condense these a little and introduce maybe one character or two characters per chapter?

well kept
should be "well-kept" because you're using it as an adjective together instead of a well or something is good, and something is kept.

Aside from this I am a bit confused why we're starting out in the academy. We start out here in most games because we still have to learn the controls, but in a story, that's not necessary. Yes we have to be introduced to the world, but that can happen by jumping in the deep end.

A breeze swept across the hill and each of the four breathed in a collective breath and they each cherished that breath as if it had been ages since they had smelled the fresh smell of meadow.


Again this is something that might be better to show instead of telling us they cherished it. Show them all pausing as it reached them, and closing their eyes, or spend a paragraph cherishing it yourself by describing the smells and so forth.




ulala8 says...


I'm afraid that if I expand these character introductions we would have a frightfully boring expanse of a few chapters. We haven't gotten to see just how much of a voice of reason Pualani is yet. The opportunity hasn't presented itself. While Kenichi is a foreigner, I decided to keep all of the names within a Japanese-Pacific Islander frame. that means that every consonant must be followed by a vowel accept for "n". Hana also doesn't mean water. Mizu means water and Kawa means river. Hana means flower and is the name that I gave to the first woman.



Aley says...


Well, I think that shows how poor of a student I am at your Japanese replacements.



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Tue Feb 18, 2014 7:34 pm
NerdBird wrote a review...



Hi there! Your friendly neighbourhood Nerd Bird here for a review!

Nitpicks and the like!

In the first section, when the pair are sparring I would advise picking up the pace a little. shorter sentences and more details too, fighting is about more than taking swings ;) facial expression and trickery make things interesting :)

He had thick, long hair that was tied back in a ponytail and that billowed down to the middle of his back in chocolate curls. -- possibly no need for the 'that' here.

smelled the fresh smell of meadow.-- for some reason this doesnt flow right for me. perhaps change smelled or smell to eliminate repetition :)

"“Do you ever get the feeling that there is something very important that is taking place right now, and no matter how badly you want to help, you’re neither there nor would you be of any help?” Kai asked, leaning back and laying in the grass before she closed her eyes." -- perhaps reword this as it clearly signifies your intent for further chapters, make the question seem more elusive and more simple and not so obvious :)

Feedback
Overall I liked it :) I love the imagery that you seamlessly merge with the dialogue and your characters actions. The names are original and genuine, all of your characters personalities clearly defined within their few moments on page thus far.
I like the idea of an academy and the sparring grounds whilst reflecting on the diplomatic roles of this society too(after all you cant have an army without order!),

Keep up the good work! :)




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Tue Feb 18, 2014 5:50 am
Iggy wrote a review...



I decided to read the rest of what you had.

He was a very lean and very lanky [...] curls. His muscle was lean, and one could easily mistake him for a weakling for that.


Since you describe Shun as lean in the beginning, there isn't any need to repeat it. By Shun overall being lean, we automatically assume that his muscles are lean as well. I suggest spicing it up by using synonyms when describing things.

His eyes were odd and drooping, but held a wisdom in their umber depths.


I think you meant amber, yes?


Okay.

Your biggest problem is punctuation in dialogue. You have a tendency to end every single sentence with a period when it comes to dialogue (aside from questions). Commas are okay too, you know! But whether you use a comma or period in dialogue, you still don't need to capitalize "he" or "she" afterwards. This goes into more detail.

Other than that, I'm liking what you have so far. It seems to me that you've created an educational system for the fighters, named after Osorezu, and the scholars, named after Hana, correct? That would explain your title so much better, as I figured you named them after the Adam and Eve you created.

One of my favorite things about this chapter is that you made this a society that focuses on gender equality. If I understand correctly, Shun and Kai are both aspiring Osorezus, while Kenichi and Pualani are aspiring Hanas, yes? So that means that guys and girls can be both fighters and scholars if they so please. If so, then I completely love that. Girls can fight just as well as boys can, and boys are just as smart as girls. ;)

I like the world you've built so far. It seems to have progressed nicely since the first man destroyed, or so it seems, the first evil on this earth. I like the Academy you've created, the jobs, the unique names, etc. You're doing well with your imagery, so that is something to enjoy as well. Overall, this is good so far. :)




ulala8 says...


I meant umber as in brown.

I'll make corrections accordingly. Thank you~



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Mon Feb 17, 2014 4:35 pm
defiantAuthoress wrote a review...



Hey there! You know how much I love this story, so I'm gonna jump straight to improvements, okay?

When Shun and Kai are fighting, I would suggest shorter sentences and shorter dialogue. If they're both good fighters and moving more quickly, it would make sense for their conversation to be shorter and for the description to be more quickly paced and tight. You can definitely take a step back once they've stopped fighting, which you do.

In the paragraph where you describe Shun's appearance, I would suggest re-reading it and using some more commas or breaking up a couple of the longer sentences, because at the moment it is fairly difficult to read. "He was a very lean and very lanky young man of seventeen with thick, long hair that was tied back in a ponytail and that billowed down to the middle of his back in chocolate curls." should definitely be shortened.

"This really wasn’t needed as anyone could tell you that Kai’s voice could reach a quarter mile before she ever began to yell." Once again, commas should be added more into this sentence. For example: "This really wasn't needed, as anyone could tell you that Kai's voice could reach nearly a quarter mile even when she didn't yell."

You can cut "graceful" in your first description of Pualani, as at the moment it doesn't matter that much, because you describe her more later and the important thing is that we know she's an aspiring Hana diplomat. Also, her actions kind of show how graceful she is as well. Also, "which was very much appreciated" can be cut.

"He was about as wise as he was perverted, which is both a compliment and an insult." This should be: "which /was/ both". Saying "is" changes the tense of the story and sounds awkward.

“No, Kai. I’m not sparring with you again. I gave you a bruise on your shoulder already, and I’m almost positive that you have another right here,” he gestured toward his sternum. “Give it a rest. Relax and let your muscles heal.” Here, I think that you can definitely condense the conversation again. It would be good if you gave each character a slightly different speaking pattern, and so far it seems like the characters all seem to talk quite formally.

"her eyes alight with both adoration and envy for that elegance as well as a buried lust that was concerning as well as enigmatic and mysterious." You can shorten this a little bit. Enigmatic and mysterious mean the same thing, so you could definitely cut "mysterious".

"Her eyes turned up to the clouds and her blues filled with the blue of the sky and the soft cotton clouds that obscured the otherwise perfect blue." While I like this imagery, I feel like you used the word "blue" too much. Maybe some synonyms?

"Pualani questioned, one thick eyebrow cocked." I would say "raised" instead of "cocked, as it sounds less abrasive. That's just me though.

All in all, I think this is a great start! Your characterization is impeccable, and I can't wait to see how their storylines unfold. Thanks so much for writing!




ulala8 says...


Thank you for reviewing~!! The speech is intended to be formal-ish. There will be more variety in their speech patterns as we get to know them.


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Alright, sounds good!




I have my books and my poetry to protect me.
— Paul Simon