z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language

The Come Back ~Prologue and Chapter 1~

by lauramydear


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

Prologue

She came out of the last turn of the Grand Prix show jumping competition with a good rhythm. Her 17’2 hand Hanoverian gelding’s ears perk up as he sees the giant Liverpool oxer before him. The girl can feel the power beneath her and smiles knowing she has this competition in the bag. Listening to the cheering of all of her friends, she clucks at her horse and adds more leg supporting her decision to take the jump. She begins to drop her hands slightly to let her horse know it’s time to take the fence. She adds leg, and she is flying. But not the way she wanted to. Watching the ground come at her quickly, and hearing the cries and gasps, her last thoughts before the cool water rushed over her were “this can’t be happening”. Then she blackes out.

Chapter 1(Jase)

My alarm startles me awake. I look at the clock and see that I’m late. Once again. Seriously. I do not have my shit together. And to be completely honest, I didn’t want this stupid shit shoveling job anyway. But, that’s what happens when your parole officer gives you two options. Shit shoveling at a fancy smancy show barn, with a ton of chicks I might so gladly add, or hardcore jail time. I’m eighteen, so now that I’m considered an adult they don’t have to take me to juvie anymore. To a place where I would more than likely become someone’s little bitch. So I chose the obvious one.

Most of the people here ignore me. All spoiled rich girls. None of them have depth, but I have to admit that their asses in those tight little riding pants are a nice sight to see as they walk past.

The stable manager, Mark, walks down the long aisle of stalls toward me. I lean my pitch fork against the wheelbarrow and slide out of the stall into the aisle to meet him.

“Jase, you finally decided to show up, eh?” Mark is Canadian. I have nothing against Canadians but I can’t stand the “Eh?” at the end of his damn questions. “Seriously, Jase. What are you doing son? This is your chance to shine and get out of prison.”

Now another thing you need to know about Mark, he acts like my father. Except, not really because my real dad is a complete and total piece of shit. But aside from that, he looks like a father. He has gray hair with a bold spot starting in the front, and he has a beer belly. I wouldn’t say he’s tall but that’s also because I’m 6’4. The only thing shocking about him is his eyes. They are startling shade of blue that you’d only hear about in romantic novels or see in movies.

“I know Mark. I got here, didn’t I? Just be happy. I could have bailed out.” I looked away and squinted toward the open doors that let the light spill into the stable.

“Oh son, I would have had you handcuffed before you got out of town.” He grinned and looked at his clipboard he always carries around. “Anyway, that’s not why I’m here. One of our old riders are coming back today from an injury. She wants to see her horse. I need you to go and get Lightning from the far pasture.”

He looks back at her click board. I just stare at him, he seriously has to be kidding. That horse is huge and I’ve never had to do anything like actually touch one of those creatures. Yes, before you ask, I’m not a huge fan of horses.

“Mark…are you sure they want a juvenile delinquent touching their prize animal? I mean, I am known to steal and shit.” I say wearily.

“I don’t think that’ll be a problem. But if you’re scared...” Mark smiles slightly.

“Hell no, I’ll get the damn horse.” I spin around and make my way to the pastures, determined to show this old man up. Wait…how old is he? I turn around and yell down the aisle, “Hey, Mark! How old are you man?”

He turns back to me, looking shocked that I actually cared enough to ask, “Forty sx…why?”

“No reason, just wanted to know.” Then I turned and continued outside.

I pasted the arena where it looked like a lesson was going on. Six girls and their million dollar horses stand side by side as they listen to their trainer, Linda. The fences in the ring are brightly colored. Most of the fences have to be over four feet high, and some look just as wide. I must admit, these bitches really do have lady balls to trust those horses. Since it looks like one of the girls are going to do her “course” I overhead Linda say, I decided to slow down.

Now, Lauren I want you to do the Swedish oxer first, then continue on to the roll top, then do the Liverpool, then head to the combination.” Linda turns to the rest of the girls while the girl named Lauren picks up her canter and heads for the oxer. “Remember girls, we want a nice clean round, clear everything. No knock downs.”

Lauren heads for the “Swedish oxer” its poles crisscrosse in the air. Looking more like a flouting “X” than anything Swedish, but what do I know? She clucks to her horse and the horse flies over the jump with ease landing and continuing forward at a nice even pace. She turns the horse to the next fence. This one has a weird half-barrel look to it, with a pole over it, and she does the same movements she did the last time, clucking and then leaning forward all the same and flies over that one. The Liverpool, which I find the be a weird and gross name for a jump was next, this one was just three poles stacked over each other. But it looked like water underneath. Pretty neat, actually, but again the girl did the same thing and flew over that one as well. I’m beginning to think this girl is a robot because nothing ever changes. The combination is what she heads to next, and that’s just it, it is what it sounds like. The series of jumps that she has to do, the first one is a cross rail, barley even a foot. Then the next looks to be just two feet high and just a single pole, the third is a little higher, probably around three feet, then the last one looks completely mind blowing. It’s HUGE! Like past four feet and it’s the oxer like thing, but she again flies over all of that.

All of the girls clap for her and I continue on my way to get the horse listening to Linda praise Lauren for her “good technique when headed to the final jump”. Which, I mean, shouldn’t be taken away from her, she did do great. I hear a call from the other side of the arena and a girl is just leaning against the rail, she’s just shouting and whooping and carrying on. Kind of like a lunatic. But all the girls scream and trot over to her, Linda following, with a huge smile on her face. Hard to ever get that out of her, but since I decided I didn’t care about another random rich kid I turned away and kept walking.

Finally, I make it to the far pasture, and grabbed the halter and lead rope to get this horse. I open the gate, and head to the only horse out there. This guy is huge, and I know this because I feed him every morning and every night, but being next to him is more intimidating than I realized. I don’t want to look like a bitch so I continue to head over to him. This horse is beautiful and I know the girl who owns him must really love him. He’s a dark, dark, shiny black horse, with a tiny stipe of white going from the top of his head to tip of his nose. On his two front legs he has a marking they call a sock and on his two back he has the marking called a stocking. And somehow they stay bright white, like perfect teeth. This horse really is good looking. They call him Lightning I would imagine because his stripe zigzags like a lightning bolt. What it says on his clipboard of nifty information is that he’s 17’2 hands. Which I imagine means “fucking big horse” and a Hanoverian. Not uncommon at this barn.

We have mostly three main breeds that I can tell other than the ponies we have. They’re Hanoverian, Warmblood, and Thoroughbred, but I think that’s just because they make good horses for what the girls are doing here. Which hearing from the sidelines with the girls talking are Equitation, Hunters, Show Jumping, and Dressage. But, I’ve never heard one girl say they hated their horse either, so the horses are doing something right.

I put the halter on Lightning and lead him back to the barn. Even though he’s big, he just walks right alongside me. Not pulling to eat grass or dragging me around, he just follows. I bring him into the barn and put him into the tack stall, where he waits for his rider to come. I stand with him waiting for the girl to come and keep an eye on him so he doesn’t hurt himself. I sit on the stool near the tack room when Mark comes towards me again.

“Jase, good. Maddie is coming in now. She won’t be riding, but she just wanted to see her horse. She had an accident and hasn’t been around, so that’s why I’m here to introduce you two. Please be nice, she’s the sweetest girl. And she’s’ going through something rough right now.” He looks at me with those eyes and sharply said, “Got it?”

“God, yeah man. Calm down. I’ll be a prince.” I think about just leaving. If this girl is so fragile then why is she at a barn? Then I remember him mentioning something about an accident. God, I bet she looks like a troll or something and doesn’t want me to mention it.

“Mark!” I hear the sweet angel voice before I see the face. I see a tiny girl, no bigger than 5’6, walking to Mark, with a limp. It was the girl from the arena, the one who was making a ton of noise. He opens his arms and they meet in a hug. He ruffles her hair and she just gives him a dirty look but loses it in a big beautiful smile. This girl is gorgeous. Her hair is long, even in the messy ponytail she has it in, the color jet black just like her horses’. She’s thin, not grossly, but the perfect size to where she has curves. Her face is just as perfect. Her lips are shaped in a nice smile, soft and pink looking. She has a little button nose. Her eyes though…they are like a cluster-fuck of colors. They’re brown, but they have a gold look to them also with some green and blue. I would have to get a closer to look to really be able to tell. But still…beautiful.

“This is Jase.” Mark says gesturing to me, and my world freezes when she looks at me with her big, gorgeous eyes.

Now, you need to know something about me, I am NOT shy. I’ve dated my fair share of women, and I’ve banged a few (okay…just one, but still counts) and not once have I been at a loss for words.

“Hi, I’m Maddie” she lifts her hand to me in order to shake it, with a beautiful smile on her face.

And since I’m a complete loser all I can manage to do it stare at her. I stare at her hand and then back up to her. I make this weird grunting, wheezing noise and I about die. I manage out a “hey”, and then I turn and speed walk away into the stall where I was shoveling shit. Hearing Mark tell her I was the new stable hand, and to ignore my behavior weird behavior. Because I came from juvie.


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Fri Aug 02, 2013 10:15 pm
Cutieexox666 says...



Interesting word choice, I like the detailed descriptions. I think this is very well written, minding the few punctuation mistakes. Stories are so much better when you really know a lot about the setting and etc, such as here, the stable & horses. I would be very interested to see the whole thing.




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Sun Jul 28, 2013 12:47 pm
manisha wrote a review...



Hi there!
Happy Review day to you!
manisha here to review!

Firstly, I know nothing about horses! I absolutely love horses and want to own one, but I know nothing about them. It was nice reading about horses and you seem to know loads about them(you could have just googled it:D But you still know)

I like your style of writing. You have good description which doesn't go overboard and good language.
Your prologue was amazing! It won me over(something a prologue should do) and got me reading the rest of the story.

My alarm startles me awake. I look at the clock and see that I’m late. Once again. Seriously. I do not have my shit together. And to be completely honest, I didn’t want this stupid shit shoveling job anyway

Maybe Jase likes the word shit but it looks odd for the word to be repeated again in the same paragraph.

One of our old riders are coming back today from an injury.

One of our old riders is coming back today from an injury.

I pasted the arena where it looked like a lesson was going on

pasted is passed.
The Liverpool, which I find the be a weird and gross name for a jump was next,

the is to.

Other than a few minor typos chapter one is great!
I loved it!

Keep writing!

Please do let me know when chapter two is up!

-manisha




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Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:59 am
OliveDreams wrote a review...



GOOD MORNING! Here to review your work for review day! I will review as I read so that it makes a little more sense to both me and you. I tend to ramble otherwise. Plus I;m hugh on coffee right now. Here goes!

I'm already liking your prologue as I can see that you have a good knowledge of horses. I wouldn't be able to write about them as I don't have a clue but it's nice to see someone writing about something that their clearly passionate about. (SEE. RAMBLING)

I also really like the line where you write, " “she is flying. But not the way she wanted to.” - I think it's simple, yet clever and effective.

Wow! You really have the viewpoint of a guy nailed down! I'm even reading it with a bit of swag. Haha!

You've got a few spelling issues but I'm not going to be nicky picky and sit here pointing them all out. You'll be able to see them during the editing process and go through it with a fine tooth comb.

I really like the line, “they are like a cluster-fuck of colours” - Its quirky!

“I’ve dated my fair share of women, and I’ve banged a few (okay…just one, but still counts)” - This really made me laugh! You should think about adding more comedy throughout the whole chapter.

Oh no! I literally cringed when you find out Mark told her he was from Juvie! NOOO!

Overall - I really enjoyed this opening chapter. I love love love the character of Jase and I can't wait to read more about him.

Good luck, Happy review day and I hope this helped!

Message me when the next installment is up!

Olive <3




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Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:20 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hello. Iggy here to review this before I go to bed.

He looks back at her click board.


I think you meant "clipboard" here and the pronoun should be "his".

“Forty sx…why?”


Forty six, Hun. Also, a note on ellipsis.. Don't overuse them. It just clusters up your work and makes it seem all dramatic and teenage drama queen - like.

It’s HUGE!


When emphasizing a word in writing, you don't capitalize all the words, you italicize it. So rewrite "huge" normally and just italicize it

So, I really like this piece this far. It has promise and potential. We can obviously already tell that this will be a romance novel, and five bucks says Maddie and Jase will get together. Hopefully, you might just leave us reeling, and I will love you forever if you do. God knows I love sad endings!

Anyways, one thing we should talk about is the cussing. I know that Jase is a delinquent and a general bad boy, but I feel like he is cussing way too much. I mean,

they are like a cluster-fuck of colors.


Why not just simply state it? I dunno, I feel like you can tone this down. We understand your point, Jase is a bad boy. I just feel like you might kill this potential by overly cursing.

A suggestion: Sometimes, when they have such a short prologue, authors will italicize them. It's not mandatory, of course, but if you want to tinker around and see how that looks, maybe it'd look better. Just a suggestion.

Just remember that when you italicize, you italicize, words that normally would be italicized, aren't. Does that make sense? Example:

"What do you want?!" I snarled at him, unable to reign in my anger. It was Thomas! He was back, finally back, here to be mine again. And that thought should have made me happy, for just seeing him mad my heart flutter like crazy, but I was still mad at him for what he did to me!

Okay, that was crap, but I hope you get what I mean.

Overall, this was a nice work. Please let me know when chapter two is up!

Just keep writing!

~ Iggy.




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Wed Jul 24, 2013 7:35 pm
AmethystNight wrote a review...



I like your writing style - it's nice and easy to read. You create quite a laid back tone that reflects your character well. I understand that you are trying to establish this character as a "bad boy", but I think you might want to tone down the swearing a little. There are other ways to establish character without using swear words and I think that the number of them detracts from the writing a little. I like your character - he's believable and I want to know more about him, like why he got arrested. You mention him being a thief and I'm glad that that's all the information you give about it right away; it leaves the reader wanting to know more.
My first piece of advice is to proofread again. There a few little mistakes and typos that you've missed. Try reading the piece out loud - that's a piece of advice that I've heard from a lot of people.

Her eyes though…they are like a cluster-fuck of colors.

Ellipses in a sentence of description can detract from the writing. Your description is very good, but this just looks and sounds a little messy. You don't have to pay attention to this - it's mostly something that I just don't like seeing in writing. Ellipses work best in speech or at the end of a sentence to show that you're trailing off.
One of our old riders are coming back today from an injury

Since it looks like one of the girls are going to do her “course”

Here, both times, you've used "are" where you should use "is". I think this is probably because you say "One of our old riders" and "one of the girls" so it looks like the subject is a plural when it's actually a singular. This is something you should specifically check for when proofreading in future because it's an easy mistake to make and autocorrect won't pick up on it.
All in all this is a very good piece. Good luck with your writing.




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Wed Jul 24, 2013 6:33 pm
Rurouni wrote a review...



Hmm....

This was interesting.

I like it, but part of it has some large paragraphs that make the reader go, "Oh.... Noo.." So maybe format those a little more so it's not just one large clump.

I liked the prologue it really caught me and I had to read more.

Maybe lay off on the description of what he likes in the girls. t's obvious he likes their butts in tight pants unless he's gay or something. (Nothing wrong with gays ;) )
So, lay off on that description.

Ok, he's not shy. And seeing this girl made him shy, that's pretty cool, and I don't think we need to know he 'banged' some girl... Maybe later, right now is a little soon.

The horse description is nice. I myself am not a fan of geldings, but he sounded beautiful. Was there a reason he's a gelding? Or is he a rig? A rig is more dangerous, as they are 'part' stallion so to speak. A gelding is a male horse castrated, so he cannot reproduce.
So, if you look to have him breed because he is a good horse with good traits, make em a stallion!

Alright, this was good overall, and I would like to read more! So, keep at it!

Thanks,

pegasusgirl2




lauramydear says...


Thank you for everything you said! I will definitely keep it in my thoughts as I keep writing! The reason I made him a gelding is because they have good temperaments and i have to admit besides from the color I'm basing this horse off of mine and he's also a gelding. Thank you for your comments, I will think of everything you said as I continue!



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Wed Jul 24, 2013 3:49 pm
Paige says...



I really enjoyed reading this! Definitely PM me when you come out with a new chapter. I really, really like your style of writing, and your story too (:


With Love,
Paige




lauramydear says...


I'm so glad you enjoyed it! I definitely will when i get the next chapter up!




I think I have thankfully avoided being quoted.
— Lavvie