Hi! Sea here as promised.
First of all, I must tell you something. *bows head seriously* Your. avvie. is. fantastic. *clears throat* That is all. We can proceed with the review now.
It seems like you have an idea of where you want this story to go, so I applaud you for that. I can tell you’ve really spent some time on the father and developing his character. Very nice.
I won’t spend too much time on nitpicky grammar because I want to spend some time on the big picture. If you have any questions about the technicality as you edit, feel free to ask.
Grammar/Nitpicks:
People may mistake it as such,
This clause really confused me. People may mistake what as what?
The man he was thinking of was his late father.
This was a little…blunt and awkward? See if you can slip this information in somehow without slapping us in the face with it.
Well, this was a mind with a surprising background and outstanding set of credentials, so they listen to him, mind you. He is actually a pioneer,
Be really careful with your verb tenses. The piece begins in the past tense, but you wafer a bit into present tense every now and then. It’s a simple, though tedious, fix. Just reread your chapter and make sure that every verb is in the proper tense.
The boy sat up from the hammock which he was lying in.
You have some unnecessary words in here. If he sits up in the hammock, your reader will automatically assume he was lying in it in the first place, so you can just leave it: “The boy sat up in the hammock.”
General comments:
I really admire your description of the father, but it was a little too much all at once. It almost felt like I was reading someone’s character journal (which is super interesting, just maybe not right in this context). You were so detail oriented that I lost a little bit of the feeling behind it. Why does the speaker spend so much time describing the father? Is Alex ever compared to him, and if so, does he resent it? You mentioned that the father is a major plot contributor, but you don’t want to reveal that to the reader right away. If you give away your major plot points right at the beginning, the reader will not have to work for it and will lose interest.
You did a nice job of keeping up the suspense with Alex. I was left wondering what his plans were. You’ve piqued my curiosity.
Overall, you have a really got start here. I would encourage you to see how cleverly you can slip information into the story without drawing big flashing arrows to point it out to the reader. ^^ Hide little gems of information in your storyline. The reader will feel as though they’ve accomplished something when they dig it out and put pieces together to develop their own understanding of the story. This makes reading that much more exciting and interactive.
I hope I have been relatively helpful. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I enjoyed reading. If you have and questions or comments about my review, please don’t hesitate to PM me. I’m always happy to talk about it with you. Good luck, and happy writing!
-Sea-
Points: 3414
Reviews: 247
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