z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Moonlight Part I

by justtheboy14


Chapter 1

The boy didn’t know exactly what he wanted to become. He only knew that one day, he would be great. People may mistake it as such, but the boy knew there was no certainty that was amiss or absent in him; the fearsome and heartfelt desire within him was sure proof of this fact. The boy did not feel like a kid; he had already heard about the dangers that lay out there waiting for ones to venture out in the world, and the various fools that bear witness to oppression and tragedy. Yet, the boy was confident. Everyone else is scared, Alex thought. I don’t want to be like them. We can’t live in fear forever. Someone is bound to release himself from the suffocating hold and heavy bar of these chains on us now. Besides…

They don’t have someone like him. That man was an exemplar himself.

I’m not doing this for him, or because I want to be exactly like him. I’m doing this for myself. That’s what he would want too.

Alex closed his eyes. Quickly, memories of the man and their various activities flashed before his eyes. He quietly chuckled to himself. The man he was thinking of was his late father.

His father was a forefather, a legend and a man who made a mark in these current times. Well, that may have been amplified by Alex’s mind – and he knows that – but this was all true, nevertheless. Honestly, his dad was quite the simple guy. When he was not working, he would be making escapades; he brings his family along with him, trying to get away from the buzz he would usually be creating. This was even if he didn’t intend quite a number of it. He seemed the average man, as he didn’t help himself with the attention big names like him are indulging themselves in. To him, he wasn’t a showcase who loved to show off; he just was. The father was the chairman of a renowned and respected big company, and known for speaking out his mind to the press about a variety of current issues. Well, this was a mind with a surprising background and outstanding set of credentials, so they listen to him, mind you. He is actually a pioneer, for the projects he has laid hands on and the movements he’s led and participated in.

Understandably, he has a wide social circle, though he mingles with decent people more than names and TV faces (not that there aren’t any decent ones coming from the latter). In parties, guests who come and are invited wouldn’t even expect that such a big name would be there, or that so-and-so party host would be friends with the man. Add the fact that Alex’s dad doesn’t fancy those eye-catching attire that would make him inevitably stand out; he would wear simple, formal attire, and sometimes, a shirt and jeans would be handy enough. On occasion, he would even wear shades, change his hairstyle, get-up and a lot such that no one would be sure to recognize him. It isn’t until he is introduced, or until the attention of a few is called to him, that some would notice who he really is. Reactions would be something such as, “Oh? So he’s actually - - - ?!” Though there were one or two unpleasant incidents, other instances have led to hilarious moments and iconic nights.

Alex opened his eyes. Those were good times.

He smiled, stretched his arms and looked around. Well, I’m done. Resting time is over. He looked up, straight ahead and saw the clear blue sky beckoning to him to soar and take flight.

I know what I want to do come August. Ah… this should be enough skygazing for now.

The boy sat up from the hammock which he was lying in. He was in the front garden of his friend, just a few meters away from the humble, dark brown house. I wonder if we’ll continue our escapade tonight? The plan must continue. He was looking forward to doing something crazy that summer night, again.

Alright.

It would be a new life, and I would be entering a new world in a while, “a while” being a month or two. Or three.

Alex whistled. His friend would be coming back home anytime soon. She had asked him to stay for a while, as there was an errand she had to take care of. Her mom had also invited him to stay inside the house, to which he declined. The mom knows Alex well enough by now, and the two kids had really been spending a lot more time lately. Awaiting his friend, the fourteen year old decided to stay on the hammock where they usually were.

Well, here it is. Things will change from here on out… and honestly, I’ve been looking forward to that for a while now. I’ve been intending to change some aspects of my life anyway. Well, here I go. It’s time. I can’t wait ‘till school starts again.

Alex stands up. I’ll just daydream some, and wait for her at the front porch. I’ll be keeping an eye out for her, and watch the daily buzz, Alex thought, referring to the usual routine and ongoing activities that occurred on the street.

I’ll be doing great things. Alex clenched his fist. Forget the past; what’s left behind is left behind. Right now, I’m wanting to kickstart a chain of events and go into overdrive. Upset the balance, and then some. Yes, I’ll be doing that.

The boy was in a positive mood. As he walks to the porch, he thinks about the countless things he could, and will be doing.

Likewise, I’ll be facing some new faces. Dangerous faces.

Alex grinned. Who was to blame him? The boy had high hopes and high dreams, after all.

Alright, I’m geared up. I’m ready…

For first year high.

Chapter 2: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=100209


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247 Reviews


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Sat Mar 09, 2013 4:58 am
Searria H. wrote a review...



Hi! :smt039 Sea here as promised. :D

First of all, I must tell you something. *bows head seriously* Your. avvie. is. fantastic. *clears throat* That is all. We can proceed with the review now. :)

It seems like you have an idea of where you want this story to go, so I applaud you for that. :) I can tell you’ve really spent some time on the father and developing his character. Very nice.

I won’t spend too much time on nitpicky grammar because I want to spend some time on the big picture. If you have any questions about the technicality as you edit, feel free to ask. :D

Grammar/Nitpicks:

People may mistake it as such,

This clause really confused me. People may mistake what as what? :?

The man he was thinking of was his late father.

This was a little…blunt and awkward? See if you can slip this information in somehow without slapping us in the face with it. :)

Well, this was a mind with a surprising background and outstanding set of credentials, so they listen to him, mind you. He is actually a pioneer,

Be really careful with your verb tenses. The piece begins in the past tense, but you wafer a bit into present tense every now and then. It’s a simple, though tedious, fix. :) Just reread your chapter and make sure that every verb is in the proper tense.

The boy sat up from the hammock which he was lying in.

You have some unnecessary words in here. If he sits up in the hammock, your reader will automatically assume he was lying in it in the first place, so you can just leave it: “The boy sat up in the hammock.”

General comments:
:arrow: I really admire your description of the father, but it was a little too much all at once. It almost felt like I was reading someone’s character journal (which is super interesting, just maybe not right in this context). You were so detail oriented that I lost a little bit of the feeling behind it. Why does the speaker spend so much time describing the father? Is Alex ever compared to him, and if so, does he resent it? You mentioned that the father is a major plot contributor, but you don’t want to reveal that to the reader right away. If you give away your major plot points right at the beginning, the reader will not have to work for it and will lose interest.

:arrow: You did a nice job of keeping up the suspense with Alex. I was left wondering what his plans were. You’ve piqued my curiosity. :D

Overall, you have a really got start here. I would encourage you to see how cleverly you can slip information into the story without drawing big flashing arrows to point it out to the reader. ^^ Hide little gems of information in your storyline. The reader will feel as though they’ve accomplished something when they dig it out and put pieces together to develop their own understanding of the story. This makes reading that much more exciting and interactive. :D

I hope I have been relatively helpful. Thank you for sharing your story with me. :) I enjoyed reading. If you have and questions or comments about my review, please don’t hesitate to PM me. I’m always happy to talk about it with you. :D Good luck, and happy writing!
-Sea-




justtheboy14 says...


Thanks for complimenting my avatar! Fair fellow, yes? xD
The guy's English, just so you know.

Waah, I know I shouldn't have sneaked in a portrait of the father; it was way too soon! Thanks for telling me this; I get what you're saying. This is spur-of-the-moment writing though, meaning I'm still working out exactly how I want to present my novel. I'll be making my revisions as soon as I'm around the third chapter, and I'm sure this is how I want my story to go.
Maybe when I have a final revised product, I can have you read again.

Glad that I caught your interest, and made you curious too, even if it was through Alex. xD Don't worry, I'll be leaving detailed pieces as the story goes along, like you advised.
Thank you for the review, Sea! I'm so happy now, wee! xD



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Sat Mar 09, 2013 12:34 am
Wherethewindgoes wrote a review...



Salutations! I have come hither to review!

So, the character here is well-done. Readers want characters like yours, who are proactive, who do things, as opposed to sitting around. They like people who aren't afraid to violate norms, who don't follow along with the rest of the society. The character makes me want to read on here. The first couple lines do an especially good job of immediately introducing Alex's drive to be great.

There is also an interesting backstory here, with Alex's father. I like how instead of having Alex motivated by a need to be like his father, you instead have it so he is doing it for himself, because his father would have wanted that. The only thing I would change about the backstory is not having it all here at once. When readers first pick up a book, they want things to happen in the first chapter. The first paragraph or so is good, because it shows a character's dreams for acting in the future, but the description of Alex's father slows the story down. I would suggest spreading information about his father throughout the story, which would allow for an exciting start and some suspense as the readers wonder about Alex's father and his influence on his life.

Besides that, I don't have anything to say but good job! I actually thought the grammar was fine; the writing style is also good, it's concise and flows well. The only thing I would suggest is making sure the tense is consistent; you seem to flip between past and present here.

Anyway, good job, and good luck with the rest of the novel! PM me or post on the thread if you ever need a review!


-Wherethewindgoes




justtheboy14 says...


*faints* Three reviews from three angels. Hold on, I have to catch my breath...



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Fri Mar 08, 2013 12:01 pm
therealme wrote a review...



so as promised here's my review :D

i really love your style of writing and the way you create your story, it's really great! The way you make things flow from one thing to another is a skill you have so keep using it.

i only had time to read the first chapter of 'Moonlight' (so sorry) so i will only be reviewing the first chapter for this review. Maybe it would be better to submit only one chapter at a time, otherwise the reader looks at a story (in this case your story) and doesn't want to read it all cause they can't be bothered because it would take to much time to read the WHOLE thing. The plan is to trick the reader into thinking they're reading less and using up less of their time by breaking the story up chapter by chapter, when really they're reading the same amount as they would if the chapters were put together. People are naturally lazy so no matter how good a story on the internet looks they're not going to want to read a whole lot of it.

I found it kind of hard to know who the main character was, the boy or his father. You wrote about the boy's father a lot and wrote little about the boy (Alex). For the first chapter normally writers start off with describing the MAIN character and what THEIR life is like. Then after they've described the main character enough so that the reader isn't left confused or uncertain the writer will move on to putting more detail into the other characters (like the boy's father). I like the way you wrote about the boy's father though and wouldn't change pretty much anything except maybe just putting that information a bit later on in the story.
The ending of the first chapter was good and overall i enjoyed it.
keep up the writing and i'll try to review the second chapter as soon as i can ;) xx




justtheboy14 says...


Thanks for the compliments!

Ah man, I'll try to revise my story when I have some time, and work on it again. One reason I mentioned the father early on is because he'll be a crucial point in the story, one character I'll be going back to later. Don't worry though, I'll work on it.
Thanks for reviewing!! ;) Glad to know you liked it!



therealme says...


you're welcome :) and i see you put the second chapter in a different submitted thing. i'll make sure to read and review it!




The sun can square up and fight me. Apollo is just another bi disaster, and I could take him.
— AlmostImmortal