Young Writers Society

You asked me about last night
Through lidded lids and sleep slimed lips
And I sighed because that all I could do
There’s no defense against you smile
Honesty is all I have for you now
Lies take to long to mold and crumble
Easily at the slightest touch
Run away with me I said
And you did
You thought it refreshing that
A girl would take the lead
I surely did
Foot in the door before you said yes
So we ran
Feet pounded down the sidewalk
Until linked we grew exhausted

The bare hotel room
Is cold with such grave unfeeling
It so contrasts you, it’s amazing
Under white covers you snuggle
Through lidded lids and sleep slimed lips
You asked me about last night
Like amnesia was your cold cure
Like memory was lost on paradise
I sighed slipping into your discarded shirt
The smell of you purging all other thoughts
I take it in
A deep breath
It crumbles me
I imagine the fetal position
Is most comfortable now
But you’re asking me
No telling me
What about last night?
What about last night?
I blush then
The knowledge of what
Happened between us
Catching up with me as well

I think it’s catching up with you as well
A cheeky grin envelopes your face
When you realize the nakedness is mutual
Arms are reaching out to me then
Guiding me back to your chest
While we fit together like two lost puzzle pieces
You whisper in my ear nonsense words
Fantastical shimmer running through sleep sticky flesh
And through those coded lullabies
I hear I love you’s
And somehow those three words make everything better
Three words so small and infinitesimal compared to the
Feeling battering my chest
That it’s almost too fantastical to understand

Us

It all so foreign
That two people can be one
But it’s what you’ve given me
The opportunity to experience such a feeling as this
A feeling of us
And in this cold, unfeeling hotel room
One plus one isn’t two
It’s one
It’s us
It’s your cheeky grin and
Steady hands
My abrupt, brash behavior
And lilting laughter

It’s running away all over again
Just to find ourselves

Wow, this was great.

I don't know, it was just the way you wrote it that made it good. I'm not sure why it was so good, it just was.

I don't think you should say "lidded lids," that gets redundant. "Closed lids," maybe?

But, again, awesome work!

thank you.

about the "lidded lids" I repeated it because I wanted to tie the two stanzas together...maybe not...I try putting in something else the second time.

thanks again.

CL

This is really good. I think it dragged on for a bit too long, but overall it was extremely well-written. Good job.

I only have a few little nitpicks

Lies take to long to mold and crumble

The first to should be too.

Also, I don't the last line of the second stanza and the first of the third stanza work with the repeated "as wells". The first one doesn't really fit.

Good job! :thumb:

It was a bit long, but over all, well done. The title made me think it was a "this can't ever be" sort of poem, but you surprised me. I really enjoyed it.