Young Writers Society

You act like I'm nothing
Call me in just to put me down
Treat me like I can't hear you
Like I can't hear you.

You act like I'm invisible
Talking about my flaws
Not even waiting till I can pretend
Not to hear you...

I refuse to be
Another human sacrifice
Lost to the pains of life

I refuse to be
Someone else in shadow
Someone you can hurt and throw away...

You walk right past me
Like I don't exist
Like I'm a dark spot
On your otherwise perfect life

But I can still hear you
Your words slicing holes in me
Though I try to fight the pain
I know I can never be...

The hero...you don't see...
What I truly long...to be...

But...I refuse to be
Someone else in shadow
Someone you can kill and throw away

I refuse...refuse to be...someone lost...someone lost...
I refuse...I will not be...another kill for you...
I refuse...I can be strong
Fight the sacrifice
Fight the painful truth.
I will not be...someone you can kill and throw away
Someone you don't see...
When you have killed me
I'll make sure you see me
See the others you slayed
With words that cause pain

Don't look away...we are the truth
We are light hidden in pain
We are what you destroyed
What you try to keep hidden
We are the strong, though not always brave
We are the survivors, no matter you
Throw
Our
Way...

And we refuse
To be a sacrifice
To be lost to the pains of life

We refuse
To be a human sacrifice
Someone, something you can destroy....

We are the truth and you can't hide us!
We refuse!
Refuse to be hidden!


[pre][/pre]

Interesting

And well written. The elipses may not be a good thing. I don't know if they flow well. But otherwise, well done.

Yeah, the elipses need to be taken out. You also have some dodgy cliches which need to be reworked.

You act like I'm invisible

Someone else in shadow
Someone you can hurt and throw away...

Those lines aren't very original. You've got some cool imagery in here, but it's undermined by lines like that.
Anyway, the concept is solid but I think you drum it too much into our skulls. Try to be succint, it leaves a more powerful impression in the reader's mind when the poem ends.
Overall, good job, just a few areas to work on and it's great.

I think this poem was really good, except some of the repetion really brought it down, there was alot of it. But other than that it was pretty well done. Keep writting.

Wow, I really, really liked this. I'm not sure why this touched me, but it really made me think. Very cool. Some of the repeating, elipse stuff didn't really bother me, but you do need to be careful not to put in too much repetition. I wish I could give you some criticism to help you, but I can't think of any right now. I loved your 10th stanza. That was beautiful. 'light hidden in pain' very pretty.
Nice job! Keep writing this good stuff.

This is a pretty good poem, but it needs some work. I agree that the ellipses don't really work. Was this meant to be a song or something? Is that why there's so many ellipses/repetition? For most of the places with ellipses, you could just as effectively make it a new line. And when you repeat stuff, like with "someone lost...someone lost..." just leave one in.

The hero...you don't see...
What I truly long...to be...

I refuse...refuse to be...someone lost...someone lost...
I refuse...I will not be...another kill for you...
I refuse...I can be strong

This seems to me the low point of the poem. I don't like the first part, it makes no sense and I don't get how it fits in with the rest of the poem. As for the second part, I would rewrite it like this.

I refuse
To be someone lost.
Iwill not be
Another kill for you
I can be strong.

We are the survivors no matter you
Throw
Our
Way...

I assume you meant no matter what. And the three one-word lines add to my hypothesis that this is a song and these are supposed to be loud and short. In that case, this is fine. But id it's not, perhaps write like this:

We are the survivors
No matter what
You throw our way.

I can't think of anything else to say. Hope I could help!