In the noise of silence
I heard a faded tone
I saw the stars smiling
And singing to the moon
I closed my eyes for a moment
Then looked at the sky
Dreamed of a happy family
She, you and I
z
Ils a chanté pour toi.
You should be pleased with this!
Try and include more of your own tongue, though, I'd love to see you expand with a mix of cultures which the bilingual have.
However, I'm disappointed that you didn't incorporate some French lines into your second stanza! I think it would tie everything together much better and continue the bilingual style of your poem. Because right now, the first stanza is really nice whereas the second is still kind of disappointing and a little boring.
Correction: Ils ont chanté pour toi.
However! You can totally make the English version work too... just replace "tone" with "tune." The word "tune" makes it more lyrical anyway... and gives it a little bit more personality too. And it'll help your rhyming scheme as well, since "tune" and "moon" go with each other.
I mean, it's almost even with itself in this stanza. But, it just seems a little bit odd because in the first stanza (as far as English goes... not sure of the French) each of the stanzas is six syllables long. And then suddenly it changes. So, it just seems to be a little awkward here. Just thought you should know!
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