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Young Writers Society


One Night



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Points: 933
Reviews: 2
Tue May 03, 2005 9:50 pm
eden says...



How beautiful is it?
The many shapes and wonders of a city so extravagant.
Buildings so tall that they touch the clouds,
They tower over you,
Floating amidst the ocean.
Then there’s the sound of the waves breaking against the dock,
Soothing to one’s ear;
Complemented by the accent of the wind softly hitting your face.
Perfect.

Yet I stand there,
Almost unaware of my surroundings.
My eyes focused on something more beautiful
Than any lavish skyline or illustriously flowing waters.
A beauty that is truly unique,
Incomparable,
Like the genuine stars at night opposed to
A fabricated painting of the night sky.

You smile as you talk.
A smile that adds more perfection
To an already perfected beauty.
A smile that causes me to smile as I look on,
Immersed in complete admiration.
It made me wonder what I can say or do
So that your smile will never end,
So that you will always remain happy.

I wasn’t sure if it was the movement of the floor beneath us,
Swaying back and forth aloft the water,
But for a moment there I felt as though I was floating,
Almost losing my balance,
A feeling I’ve never felt before.
Maybe it was the dock in motion,
But I am almost certain that you had something to do with it.
Your presence,
Standing beside me made me feel that way.

As we made our way to the theatre I was so drawn
To what you had to say.
Never had I met someone so interesting.
Sitting beside you I had mixed feelings of anticipation
For the film to end so I can get to know you more.
Yet I also felt so lucky that you were just next to me;
Elated that you agreed to this,
A chance to finally be able to spend time with you.

At dinner we were delighted with the sight of the glistening
Radiance of modern architecture at night.
Aside from the candles scattered at some tables
And the few lights that lay dormant on the ceiling,
The incandescence of the buildings were the only
Light source that scarcely illuminated the surroundings.
But it did not matter for your presence alone set the
Dimly lit room aglow in gleaming brilliance.
As we left you mentioned the chandeliers,
How pretty they were hanging vividly above us.
I did not know how to tell you then but your beauty is more
Radiant than a thousand of those put together,
Assembled in the darkest wooded area,
Overhead the most tranquil lake setting it
Ablaze with its reflection.

The night was at its darkest as we walked the path that would
Take us home.
The moon hidden within the clouds
With hardly any street lights to guide us.
Yet you made up for all that was missing in the sky,
For all the many stars lost in the vibrant lights of the city.
The night came to an end as we parted
But my head was still filled with thoughts of what went on this
One night.
Last edited by eden on Fri May 06, 2005 10:31 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Thu May 05, 2005 5:05 am
Nate says...



This is great!

The opening is well done - I love images like that - and the way you shift the focus from scene to scene is well done and smoothly orchestrated. And the poem ends exquisitely.
  





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Fri May 06, 2005 8:49 pm
niteowl says...



I don't like some of the line breaks, but I'm willing to let that go because the poem's really good.

And it's complemented, not complimented. They're two different words that mean completely different things.

Other than that, good job! :thumb:

And you need a gift. So here you go: :D :) :( :o :shock: :? 8) :lol: :x :P :oops: :cry: :evil: :twisted: :roll: :wink: :!: :?: :idea: :arrow: :| :mrgreen: :xmas_wink: :xmas_happy: :xmas_cool: :xmas_evil: :dreidel: :menorah: :frosty: :thumb: =D> #-o =P~ :^o [-X [-o< 8-[ [-( :-k ](*,) :whistle: O:) =; :sick: :-({|= :-$ :-s \:D/ :-# :hearts_eyes: :love: :lots_hearts: :elephant:
  





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Sat May 07, 2005 3:39 pm
Areida says...



Great job... I really liked it. Your descriptions and imagery are marvelous. My favourite part:

They tower over you,
Floating amidst the ocean.
Then there’s the sound of the waves breaking against the dock,
Soothing to one’s ear;
Complemented by the accent of the wind softly hitting your face.
Perfect.


The 'perfect' contrasts the longer lines... well, perfectly. :wink:

This really was quite good. I enjoyed it.
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The worst bullies you will ever encounter in your life are your own thoughts.
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