Young Writers Society

not so sure how much I like it, but I thought I'd post it anyway.

CL

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a figure of speech

i can’t help but realize
the bloody remembrances of heartfelt apologies
that slipped off the tongue
sugary like coke
watching you slit your wrist
with a pipe wrench cause me to run
close enough
for you to singe my flesh
with words of water
and all the hyperboles
you left at my side
crumbled and died
before i could choke
on dirty soaking
parting words
you downed like a pint
of gold
and with all your heart
you found the dart
the pricked your passion
and laid the ground work
for the lies you so often spoke
and somehow you managed
to use the giver of life
to drown us both

This is directly on the tip of the divide between 'Pity Me I'm a Loser and Hate My Ex Bob Over There' and 'Brilliant Yet Strange'.

Not good, may I say...[the divide, not the poem, silly!]

I don't especially know what to change to make it more satisfying to me...but it was just kind of 'Well I took a poem and changed two words' to me. No offense...you had some elements in it that made the poem unique, but mostly just cut and dried 'I Hate You'.