The tale Of Desperaux takes place in the middle ages, inside of a castle. The main character is a mouse, named Desperaux. Other characters include a Rat named Roscuro, [s]A[/s] a princess, and a serving [s]Girl[/s] girl named Miggery Sow. 'Girl' and 'a' should not be captalized.One day, [s]the mouse,[/s] Desperaux hears music being played. You've already mentioned that Desperaux was a mouse. Don't repeat yourself. He goes to find the source and sees the king [s]pllaying[/s] playing the guitar to the Princess. 'Playing' only has one L, and 'to the' was added to the sentence because otherwise it is not correct grammar. [s]He[/s] Desperaux comes closer to here the music better and the princess picks him up. Since you mentioned the king in the previous sentence, it's not clear who you mean by 'he'. Desperaux talks to the princess, which is against the mouse law. It is not against the law for the princess to pick him up, just for mice to speak to people. Another mouse sees him and reports it to the [s]mouse[/s] Mouse Council. If you're going to captalize council, captalize mouse too. This Council decides to send Desperaux to the dugeon for [s]human contact[/s] for having contact with humans. It's easier to understand this way. Once in the dugeon,[SPACE]he tells himself a story, which the jailer hears and decides to save Desperaux's life. You didn't put a space after the comma in dungeon, and you should of. Also, I dislike how you made it so abrupt that the jailer wanted to save Desperaux's life. Write about that. Then the story changes to the life of a rat named Roscuro, who lives in the dugeon. Roscuro chews on the rope of the Jailer one day, and for [s]puinshment[/s] punishment, the Jailer picks him up and burns his face. Roscuro, however, becomes [s]obseesed[/s] obsessed with light and one day travels upstairs. Misspellings.The day he goes upstairs, Roscuro finds himself in the middle of a party, and climbs up the [s]chandilair[/s] chandelier to see better. Again, misspelling.He falls off and [s]land's[/s] lands in the queen's soup. The Queen[NO SPACE], falls out of her chair, has a heart attack, and dies. You only use ' when you're using ownership or between abbreviation in words like don't, you're, and won't. Also, no space between 'The Queen' and the comma.The king[s],[/s] decides to oulaw soup. No comma.When [s]He[/s] he sends guaurds to collect all soup related things, [s]They[/s] they find a slave by the name of Miggery Sow, and [s]bevause[/s] because slaves are illgeal, they take her to the [s]caslte[/s] castle to be a paid servant[s],[/s]. Add a 'when' to the front of the sentence, lowercase 'he', lowercase 'they', misspelled 'because', misspelled 'castle', change the comma at the end to a peroid. She is given the job of taking the jailer's food to him. Every day, she sings about being a [s]princesss[/s] princess while taking the food down. Misspelled princess.One day, Roscuro hears her and decides to lie to her. Roscuro tells Miggery [s]Sow[/s] on[s]e[/s] the way up to the kitchen that [s]H[/s]he'll make her into princess if she kidnaps the real [s]P[/s]princess. You don't need to repeat Miggery's last name. Misspelled 'on'. Lowercase the 'he'll'. Lowercase princess. Desperaux, who is hidden on the tray, hears Roscuro's pan and decides to warn the princess.You must add 'the' before tray. Once upstairs, he runs to go find her, only to have the cook chop his tail off. He hides and falls asleep[s]s[/s], while Roscuro and Miggery Sow put [s]there[/s] they're plan into action. You might want to add where Desperaux slept. Also, tell us that he fell asleep, not just went to sleep. Otherwise, it sounds like he was trying to do a job and 'slept on the job'. During the night, they take a knife and go the the Princess, and forc[s]v[/s]e her into the dugeon where Miggery Sow finds out Roscuro's true plan. Misspelled force. I don't believe I like the way you worded this; try, 'During the night, they threaten the princess with a knife and force her into the dungeon where Miggery finds out Roscouro was lieing to her, and his true plan was [BLANK].' [s]Desperaux wakes up to find his tail missing.[/s]You've already told us the cook chopped off his tail. He is [s]confroted[/s] conforted by another mouse who gives him a needle [s]t[/s]to use to fight off rats in the dugeon. Misspelled conforted and to. I also hate how you just make it sound like he finds this mouse suddenly. Give us more description; who is this mouse, where'd he come from, why did he want to help Desperaux?He goes to the dugeon, and finds the princess. She comes out of shock and talks to the rat, who agrees to lead them out of the dugeon in exchange for soup.Try '... in exchange for the soup law to be lifted...' That's the end! Why This book won a Newbury Award I think that the Tale of Desperaux [s]W[/s]won for many reasons. One reason is that it has an [s]unquine[/s] unique main character and plot, where it is a mouse [s]trying to save a princess from a rat[/s] who ends up saving the princess.From a rat sounds stupid. xP Just take that out to make Desperaux sound even cooler. Another reason is that it changed from Desperaux's point of view to Miggery Sow's and Roscuro's, and also gave [s]there[/s] they're life before [s]T[/s]the book. Also, alot of things in the book came together, like how Miggery Sow's father had been in the dugeon the whole time.The whole time what? Give us description; tell us what significance that was. Those are the reasons that the book won a Newbury Award. Main Character The main character in this book was Desperaux. He changed in three ways throughout the book. First, he changes physically because his tail is chopped off. He also becomes less sickly. Desperaux also changes emotionally, and becomes more brave, and is no longer cowardly. That is how he changes as the story progresses. I hate how this is the first time you're describing Desperaux's illness. Describe it earlier on, please.
The main character is a mouse , named Despereaux.
He comes closer to hear the music better and the princess picks him up.
This Council decides to send Despereaux to the dungeon for human contact. Once in the dungeon, he tells himself a story, which the jailer hears and decides to save Despereaux's life.
Roscuro chews on the rope of the Jailer one day, and for punishment, the Jailer picks him up and burns his face.
The day he goes upstairs, Roscuro finds himself in the middle of a party, and climbs up the chandelier to see better.
He falls off and land's in the queen's soup. The Queen , falls out of her chair, has a heart attack, and dies. The king, decides to outlaw soup. He sends guards to collect all soup-related things. They find a slave by the name of Miggery Sow, and because slaves are illegeal, they take her to the castle to be a paid servant instead. She is given the job of taking the jailer's food to him. Every day, she sings about being a princess while taking the food down.
[s]One day,[/s] Roscuro hears her and decides to lie to her. Roscuro tells Miggery Sow on[s]e[/s] the way up to the kitchen that [s]He'll[/s] he'll make her into princess if she helps him kidnaps the real Princess.
He [s]is confronted by[/s] seeks out[/s] another mouse who gives him a needle to use to fight off rats in the dungeon.
Another reason is that it changed from Desperaux's point of view to Miggery Sow's and Roscuro[b]'s, and also gave there life before [s]The[/s] the book.
© 2004 - 2013, Young Writers Society is proudly powered by phpBB • YWS logo created by Jordan Bobo • Header images © Vlad Studio