*sigh* By the time this is posted, I will be well forgotten, maybe for good reasons. I know my promise to be the Ladies’ Man has choked and sputtered with all the new competition… *stares sideways* As if. But never the less, I have been neglecting my true spirit on the boards as someone who laughs, jokes, flirts, and loosens-up. Rather, people know me as mood-ish asshole that perpetuated arguments and conflicts. I have many apologies, this post will contain one for you.
First. I will give you my excuse. The man of the hour, who has had ladies swooning over him, got into a funny predicament. My presence on the original and true board was fading. Frustration and complications wrapped around my very soul. A board so young, young like me at the time, coexisted to inspire and amuse new members. As the board matured and grew, it slowly stopped needing me. So did the members. While I could have continued being an editor, it just takes up a lot of time if you know what I mean. Those of you (if any left) had me look over your pieces, you could tell I spent hours going over it. I guess I should have at least tried more, huh? Well. I loved the flirtatious self that took very little time to make an effect.
Look. One incident occurred awhile back in a very emotional thread, “Self-Harm”. The incident held me responsible for those irregular responses I had. I have two apologies from that situation, what is there more for me to do? I did it publicly and personally. I may continue to be a jerk like you saw on that thread, but come on. If people keep continuing to bring up this past issue, what kind of an effect do you think it has on me? It frustrates and angers me. If you can’t forgive me, then don’t. But should you continue to inform everyone about an issue that you considered so inappropriate that you couldn’t forgive me for? If you truly hate me for those things, then I expect you to pucker your mouth every time you interact with my membership and move on. It may be a permanent black mark on me, so I guess there are no second chances. I am sorry though, truly. I would love to take back those words to get rid of this… mark of mine. I just had a problem with suicidal actions. I was angered at the fact there were ANY reasons for doing actions like these. So I blamed her for it. Stupidly. That is how much I loathe any sort of self-violation. I got into a similar argument on Daniel’s old board. About suicide. It’s a touchy subject okay? Sorry about that.
Currently, people still consider me the most-hated member. How much of me will I be willing to give away to shake you and say, “I am a good person, please believe that.”? I don’t understand. Is it because I don’t know how to function in a relationship or friendship? I know. It’s hard to believe someone with no face. So inevitably, you take what you hear of me, what I have done in the past, what I do now; you stick my words to that image. I’m trying. Seriously though. With all the terrible causes and emotions that fluctuate and spawn, I’d rather not show who I really am right know, not the least a picture. Really hated? Come on. Biggest ego is a lot better, but I’m not known for that anymore. But that is something I’m giving you that is something of me; I look back and see only the true ego I am in the days that whole threads were devoted to just one member (namely me). Those days are gone, because I’m not needed for that source of amusement anymore. I’d much rather want to bring a smile to your face then a frown. Cliché yes, but true to the very last word.
What am I asking? Do I want more attention? Is this another compliment thread of mine where I ask for 6 pages worth of your time? No. But clearly some people are missing my old self, which kind of made me realize who I was being now. I just want people to realize that there is something solid inside my chest, something really there. And that I am sorry for not keeping true to that one piece of me. How many times do you want me to say sorry?
Why am I complaining? It’s just a membership on a board for mother’s sake. Yea, you are right. But so is the seriousness of change in one’s heart. I became attached to people I met on the board. Something grew there, so I took it more serious. Past the clouds of anonymity, there is something in everyone that searches for love and friendship, whether you are in person or not. You come on the boards to express your feelings through writings and poetry, but you also come here to interact with other people of the world. Interact in positive machinery pheromones in which words are your essential tools. With this much reliance on words itself, there is more you that is lost. I think I have completely lost my ‘me’ in your end of the relation. It was my responsibility to remember what I was here to do.
The memories hurt the most… I’m talking of the memories where you saw me. Where I think I made the board overall pretty positive, during the time when one member can influence the whole forum. I’m not asking for this, but if you think about it, everyone had a say that the community dealt with. I just was more accustomed to communicating by these means, which might seem greedy, but I have no other abilities to communicate like the rest of you. Ask the people who I talked with outside of the community; my failures mount the ceiling and beyond.
There is a lack of something here. I thought it was me. *laughs* But I realize that it’s not just me in a family that cares about everyone. But I also think that this family is fading as I am. Not because of me (however I may wish it), but because of… something. I don’t know. But the board doesn’t feel good anymore. I think Brad has touched on this with his departure, but his response was more focused on the irregularities of the people to accept. I myself took part in that. I think my call is more family-oriented with a sense of community behind my words. But I want you to see the familiar traits in both Brad’s post and mine. There is a sense of ourselves; his poetry (maybe even his pics) and my status. Both point to an issue with a collective response that isn’t all quite that positive. Check back when Brad first joined, he wasn’t hated by all like he may be now. There was a gradual change that occurred; I doubt it was totally him.
I felt like… crying reading all the past posts. They had so much more life to them, even without my presence. I saw more members blossom with a scent of honest and truth back then. You could actually see the friendships between people. Look past all my chest-pumping, do you see anything? I did this for laughter, for purity in people’s amusement. I allowed for things to be done that might have been uncomfortable for people if there wasn’t me lashing for acceptance. Not just me. Other members had fun to spread the looseness too! No one is here to judge, just be apart of something.
Oh, and a special thanks to Misty for making me think of who I was missing…
Just for the fun, I'm being apart of the new members by introducing myself once more. Compliments and more compliments will go below. It's great to be apart of such a grand group of writers! I look forward to meeting you all! Later!
-Z
Alex Williams, you are too amazing… This was ingenious! I saved the whole thread so I won’t ever forget.
~Me
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