Young Writers Society

Muyuka wrote:I knew it was going to be an unusual day when my mom came into my room and said..."Do you guys want to hang out today?" Dylan and I looked at each other. "What's the deal mom?" Dylan asked. This first part was in first person, in Jenna's perspective, later on you turn to third person. You should choose just one: either from Jenna's point of view or from some outside narrator.

"Honey, there's no deal. I just want to hang out with my two favorite kids," Natasha said.

"Ok Dylan, let's just go along with it," Jenna said. Jenna and Dylan got ready, and went out with their mom.

"Where do you guys want to go first?" Nat asked.

"Can we go to the mall first?" Jenna requested.

"Oh come on. I want to go to Game Stop and buy the new game," Dylan complained.

"Enough! We'll go to the mall first and then go to Game Stop," Nat said. Jen smirked at Dylan "Fine. Have it your way," Dylan sneered. When another character speaks, you have to start a new paragraph.They went to the mall, and bought a few things. They left at about 5:00 P.M. When they got to Game Stop, Dylan bought a new game called Black Ops.

When they got home, it was about 5:30 P.M. "Hey guys, can you come in here for a second!" Mike shouted. Dylan and Jenna raced downstairs like a stampede of elephants. "What's up dad?" Dylan wondered. Mike and Natasha looked at each other. "You want to tell them?" Mike requested. You might want to change the word "requested" to something else like "asked". "Requested" doesn't quite fit here.They looked back at the two confused teenagers. "We're all going to Disney World!" Nat squealed. Complete silence filled the room. "Are you kidding me?" Dylan asked. Once again, you'll need to start four other paragraphs.

"Nope. We're not kidding," Mike sang.

"Ahhh!" Jenna yelled. Everyone blocked their ears. "This is awesome! I'm going to tell Dacey, Vanessa, Jennifer, and everybody else!" announced Jenna.

"Here we go again," murmured. I think you're missing Dylan here. Jen glared at her brother. "What do you mean, 'here we go again'?" Jen asked.

"Nothing, just forget it," Dylan spoke.

"Now you guys better get to bed. It's going to be a long day tomorrow," Nat said. Both teens went upstairs, got ready for bed, and went to bed.

At school, Jen told everybody about their Disney trip. Dylan didn't tell a lot of people about it. School ended about a week later. It was now summer vacation! A week after school ended, their parents had horrible new to tell. "Mom why are you crying?" Dylan questioned. Nat didn't reply. Mike came into the room, and pulled Dylan aside. "Is everything all right" Dylan asked.

"Well son...your mom and I both lost our job. There's no way we'll be able to pay for the Disney trip," Mike disappointedly said.

"Oh come on. I've been looking forward to this trip," Dylan whined.

"Sorry Dylan. You might as well go and tell Jen the news," Mike said. Dylan walked upstairs slowly and went into his room. "Did you find out why mom was crying?" Jen questioned. New paragraph

"Mom and dad both lost their jobs," Dylan confirmed.

"Oh my gosh. I feel so bad for them," Jen admitted.

"Now we can't go on the trip," Dylan concluded.

"Ok, now that's a problem. "I've been looking forward to this trip," Jen blurted. The room was quiet for a moment. "I got and idea. Let's have a car wash, to raise money for our trip," Jen explained

"Sounds like a good idea, but where are we going to have a car wash and who's going to help?" Dylan brought forth.

"We'll get some of our closest friends, and we'll have it in a parking lot," Jen explained.

"Sounds like a plan to me. We can make posters and hang them around the city, so people can come get their car washed," Dylan continued. They high-fived each other. "Let's get started," Jenna ordered. Paragraph

"I'm so tired though," Dylan cried. Jen starred at him. "You know, for someone with a great idea you're pretty lazy," Jen breathed and walked out of the roomParagraph. "Thank you!" Dylan shouted. paragraph

The past month was very busy. More and more people have been going to the car wash. July 15, was a special day. It was the day that they counted all the money they raised. "We did it!" Dylan exclaimed. Everyone cheered. "Thank you all so much for participating. We couldn't have done it without you," Jen boasted. New paragraph, and I don't think the word "boasted" quite works here. Another thing is that you can always put actions instead of "Jen said". For example instead of "Jen boasted" you could put something like "Jen thanked everyone." It shows that she thanked everyone individually and spoke the words before.

"We promise, before we come back we'll get you all a souvenir," Dylan announced.

Jen and Dylan were the last to leave. When they got home, it was dinner time. Dinner was silent for about five minutes. Then Jenna broke the silence. "We have some exciting news for you guys," Jenna exploded.

"What's so exciting?" Mike asked.

"We're all going to Disney next Friday!"Jenna boomed.

"Guys we're not going to Disney," Nat said. Dylan pulled a bag filled with all the money they earned. "Are you sure?" Dylan askedparagraph. Mike and Nat were shocked. They couldn't believe that their own children would spend six weeks earning money for the trip. "I can't believe it," Nat affirmed. paragraph

"You guys are amazing," Mike added. They all stood up and hugged each other. "Thank you," Nat thanked.
paragraph and I don't think you needed the "Nat thanked" because it's kinda obvious that she thanked her kids. ^^ maybe "said" would work.
"You're so welcome mom," Jen said.

For the past week, they've been spending a lot of family rime together. On Thursday, they spent the whole day packing. The next morning, 7:10 A.M. was boarding time. They were all excited to go to Disney. For the next three weeks, they spent most of the time as a family.