Have you ever liked a certain type of cookie so much that you feel like you need an injection of the pure goodness that is stored deep in the abyss and soul of said cookie? Do you constantly think of this cookie and crave it by day, hour, or second? When you go to sleep, is your head full of thoughts of sugar Shortbreads or Samoas rather than plums, which are really just awkward fruits getting in the way of your happiness? When walking down the street, are you hit by sudden, impulsive urges to head around the corner and purchase twenty boxes of Peanut Butter Patties from the small, enthusiastic groups of Girl Scouts crowded with manipulative adults in front of the library entrance?
Then the first step is to admit you have a problem. You have crossed over into the Thin Mint Zone. Once you are trapped within the impermeable aura that is the narcotic-laced allure of Girl Scout Cookies, there is no escape. Don’t fool yourself: this kind of addiction is not for people who are like little girls, especially not ones in pastel green uniforms. Survival rates are low, even dipping below that of the actual retail cost of the drugs. The guilty pleasure is almost entirely impossible to avoid partaking in once you have taken your first hit. But the satisfaction is entirely ephemeral.
The $700 million national cartel led by fundraising addlewagons and menacing type-A soccer moms is by far the largest legalized organization that uninhibitedly promotes the consumption of delectable manifestations of delight. They station firing squads to terrorize denizens of Wal-Mart and other generic stores into purchasing cookies during a season of sales lasting an obscenely short amount of time. Their tactics are simple; small girls give candy to strangers and make a profit, rather than vice versa. It only takes one smile and a colorful box to lure the most machismo ragamuffin into becoming a willing customer. Like I said, there is no escape from the ferocious flavor waiting to vouchsafe your existence with its brilliant capacity for yummy.
Now, I think it’s time for me to come out of the closet. I don’t think (and neither do millions of Americans all suffering from similar fate) that I feel extreme remorse or shame over the fact I am about to reveal to you, but rather a sense of pride that I have the strength to admit such pain in passion. I am… cue the dizzy snare… An addict. Cue sobs from my family and tissues getting blithely propelled by distressed mucus.
There isn’t much hope for escape. I’m hungry; time to take the plunge into the glass of milk that is the beautiful being of Girl Scout Cookies.
Aesthetically, Girl Scout Cookies aren’t exactly casual invitations or subtly interesting snacks. They scream at you, sometimes in a literal sense: I’ve heard many a Celtic yelp from Samoa boxes. The public relations people for the Scouts are immensely aware of their products’ ability to appeal to sweet tooth owners all over America. They use guerilla warfare as their main tactic; little children appearing randomly at the doors of various stores with brightly colored packages containing goodies. The names of the types of cookies are also pleasant to the ear: Animal Treasures, Caramel deLites, Shortbreads, Thin Mints all sound like they could be Teletubby characters with all the adorableness contained in the mere utterance of their titles. There’s almost little to no advertising done either, which is remarkable for such a popular consumer product. Have you ever seen a billboard proclaiming the divinity of Lemon Chalet Crèmes? Are there thirty second spots boasting superior taste to similar cookie companies? Nope. Girl Scout Cookies succeed purely because they are Girl Scout Cookies: self-sufficient on their unnatural skill to sell.
Unfortunately, as is the case with nearly anything tasty, Girl Scout Cookies (especially my personal favorite, Thin Mints) contain a rather terrible amount of saturated fats and sugar. It’s pretty disgusting when you think about the unhealthy effects of satisfying snacks upon your arteries: up until 2007, the cookies contained a full gram of trans fat, a gram of which would smack your metabolism like a wrecking ball to a watermelon. Ouch. Even though the trans fat has now been eliminated thanks to Girl Scout mothers fuh-reakin’ out about the well-being of their precious little angels, Thin Mints (just as an example that I specifically researched by indulging in full boxes of the product) have a full 25% of your daily recommended amount in a serving. I ate two boxes in a row once…. My stomach will be donated to science under the title “modern miracle” when I die.
Now, I’m not saying this out of jealousy (thinly veiled lies > blatant white lies) but I wonder why there aren’t any special brand cookies sold by the male gender of the scouts. You know, the Boy Scouts of America; those prepared, dashing young men doing service projects and collecting every sort of badge while heroically camping in the wilderness. I was a Boy Scout back in the good ole days of Catholic elementary school (again, thinly veiled lies >blatant white lies) and the most extravagant items we sold at K-Mart were Kit-Kats. Crunchy, but lame: where’s the “Bearcat Bites” or “Canoe Cakes”? The difference in between the two organizations seems couch-length when you examine the amount of time exercised trying to fundraise with candy related products. What sets apart girls from boys here is the actual products themselves: Girl Scouts plunder entire counties with their patent cookies while Boy Scouts founder in the depths of M+M retailing. Success is relative to the appeal of the sale, and sales for girls are fantastic year round. Better luck next time, dudes.
Pinpointing the exact causes of an “addiction” to Girl Scout cookies can be easily solved with a look at the main organization’s web address. Simply, a combination of factors including the box cover, the cause, the calorie content, and the brilliant appeal of the cookies are the reasons why I have to attend “Girl Scout Cookies Anonymous” meetings every Thursday, 5 PM, at the YMCA. Now, let’s examine some FAQ’s to further support all those lovely reasons mentioned above.
Not only are the leaders of the group conscientious about possible troubles sprouting from the cookies, but they seek to eliminate the problems for good.
“Q: Don't Girl Scout Cookies contribute to the childhood obesity problem?
A: Girl Scout cookies are sold for a short time every year, and are considered a snack treat. As with all treats, they should be enjoyed in moderation.”
Subliminal messages? Hmmm… I don’t see the words “not a contribution to obesity” in that answer. Weird.
“Q: Why don't you offer cookies that are whole-wheat, wheat-free, non-dairy, dairy-free, vegan, sugar-free, gluten-free, organic, low-carbohydrate, low-calorie, low-fat, non-fat, fat-free, etc.?
A: Because Girl Scout cookies are produced just once a year and for a limited time, our bakers never achieve the volume required to support the specific production of specialty cookies. The demand has not been great enough to make it economically feasible, however our bakers continue to experiment and have a commitment ensuring there is always a "healthful" cookie in their line-up.”
Look at all those demands! Holy crap. That’s like me asking for a high-caliber, ultra-light, fan-equipped, reimbursed, super-fly, tax-deductible, epically-fresh, mega, show-stopping, soft, veggie-product, carefully-crafted rubber-band. Also, don’t you like how they resort to random vernacular to confuse the reader with the answer? Shady business…
“Q: Who are the girls on the Girl Scout Cookie boxes?
A: All of the girls pictured on the boxes are registered Girl Scouts. Every box shows Girl Scouts—in action—having fun and growing strong.”
Amen. As far as I’m concerned, if the girls running the whole operation are happy, I’m a paying customer.
“Q: What if I'm not satisfied with my cookies?”
Who is this person? Do they have neither soul nor taste buds?
“Q: Why is my Caramel DeLight now called a Samoa? (or) Why is my Trefoil now called a Shortbread?”
No need to get upset about names, now. Sheesh, could be worse: Trefoils could be “Sugar Cookies” instead. Consider yourselves lucky just to be able to consume them with gusto.
Wait a second. Don’t you feel like there’s something amiss here? It seems that some “gotcha” questions are being avoided here. Not only do the questions themselves sound like they’re coming from a ruler-thwapping demi-tyrant with life-sapping prowess, but the answers do absolutely nothing to return a clarified prognosis to the viewers of the FAQ site. Are they assuming we really buy (pun intended) into the system of Girl Scout Cookies without so much as a doubt about the fabulousness of the actual cookies? Well.
Since I’ve now learned that the cookies contain a flab-tastic amount of fats and carbs, I’m beginning to suspect that there’s a slight possibility that the leaders of Girl Scouts Of America are evil fiends who desire the complete and utter destruction of the world, one delicious “treat” at a time. And the most malevolent part about this dastardly plan is that no mortal being can resist. Obesity is the leading preventable cause of death on Earth and the Girl Scouts nearly encourage the disease by merely dismissing their cookies as “snacks”. Excuses of product manufacturing are prolific: they find it difficult to change the formula of the unhealthy cookies, eh? Or do they really just want to blow up Asia with funding from their sales contributing to nukes? You say you want a revolution; well, it won’t happen when the Scouts have us strapped up to electric chairs that we can’t get out of because we’re too fat. Ulterior motives, my friends. That’s what’s really afoot here.
I can see it in the dough-eyed little girls glaring up at me, pitching their malicious slogans of “happiness” and “satisfaction”. Bah humbug! They’re demons trying to kill me with comatose supplies of sugar. No wonder the Boy Scouts can’t conquer the sales charts: the girls are Hell spawn, and they will consume every soul of this planet slowly with their damned cookies. Don’t deny it. We’re all doomed. Nothing can stop these bitches. NOTHING.
I can see through those overweight lies. With all those factors considered (the cuteness, the tastiness, etc.) that are favorable towards the cookies, I’ve now realized that we’re being lured towards the end of the world as we know it. So, fasten your seatbelts, thunderthighs of America, if you can fit in the car. My addiction is officially over; the intervention was self-imposed and now I must venture off to spread the gospel of Anti-Girl Scouts. My mission is set. My last words shall be:
Keep your mouth shut.
Gender:
Points: 1040
Reviews: 5