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Prologue



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Sun Dec 04, 2011 5:00 pm
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dylanray96 says...



Confessions of a High School Queen Bee

My name was Victory Price. People might call me a witch.
Or a bitch.
And I didn’t think I was either of them.

In the first grade— I told Jacob Whitman to put a spider in Daisy Selmer’s lunchbox because she bought a bar of bar of Chocolate Milk Cadbury to school which is something I totally disgust. I warned Daisy never to bring any chocolates to school again unless it was non-fat Chocolate Milkshake. And Daisy did listen.

In the second grade— I told Dylan Ray to lend me his crayons during art class because I forgot to bring them. But he refused. When school ended, I locked him in the toilet. He begged me to let him out and I said I would if he bought me a new set of crayons. And Dylan did buy me a new set of crayons.

In the third grade— I was chosen as The Evil Stepmother in the school play and Veronica Ford was chosen as Cinderella. During recess, I told her to tell Miss Davis that she didn’t want to join the play and let me be Cinderella. And Veronica did tell Miss Davis and I was Cinderella.

In the fourth grade— I was given an iPhone on my birthday so I took it to school and showed it to everyone in my grade because none of their parents allowed them to have a phone. The next day, Alvin Baxter took an iPhone to school too and told everyone his parents gave it to him because he did well in his exam. At recess, I told him to hand over the phone so I could throw it away. And Alvin did hand his iPhone over.

In the fifth grade— I attended Tiffany Hudson’s Halloween Party, dressing up as Snow White and Cassidy Bell called me a witch. She dressed up as Dracula so I stepped on her cape and she tripped in front of everybody and cried. I told her to apologize. And Cassidy did apologize.

In the sixth grade— I was giving a speech on stage during school assembly. Before I finish, I strictly told Marcus Wilson to stop singing anymore because he had a dreadful voice and I totally hated it. And Marcus did keep his mouth shut.

In the seventh grade— I created a rumor by telling everyone that Darren Clark was gay because he called me a bitch during chemistry and also because I would totally love to see Veronica Ford dump him. And Veronica did dump Darren.

In the eighth grade— I totally hated Irene Summers and always wanted to date her boyfriend, Ryan Tanner. So at the school’s Christmas party, I made out with Ryan in front of Irene when he was drunk after drinking a lot of punch. And they did break up and Ryan became my boyfriend.

In the ninth grade— I created a clique together with Tiffany Hudson, Jessica Benson and Jennifer Benson. The name of our clique was called— The We as in The ‘V’ as in ‘Victory’ as in ‘Me’. Stephanie Graham formed another clique together with Cassidy, Irene and Veronica named The Us. I told Stephanie that there would only be a ‘We’ in the school and no ‘Us’. And the next day, The Us no longer existed.

In the tenth grade— My name was Victory Price. People might call me a witch. Or a bitch. And I did think I was either of them.
Last edited by dylanray96 on Thu Jan 12, 2012 9:11 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Points: 763
Reviews: 11
Sun Dec 04, 2011 5:01 pm
dylanray96 says...



Confessions of a High School Queen Bee

My name was Victory Price. People might call me a witch.
Or a bitch.
And I didn’t think I was either of them.

In the first grade— I told Jacob Whitman to put a spider in Daisy Selmer’s lunchbox because she bought a bar of bar of Chocolate Milk Cadbury to school which is something I totally disgust. I warned Daisy never to bring any chocolates to school again unless it was non-fat Chocolate Milkshake. And Daisy did listen.

In the second grade— I told Dylan Ray to lend me his crayons during art class because I forgot to bring them. But he refused. When school ended, I locked him in the toilet. He begged me to let him out and I said I would if he bought me a new set of crayons. And Dylan did buy me a new set of crayons.

In the third grade— I was chosen as The Evil Stepmother in the school play and Veronica Ford was chosen as Cinderella. During recess, I told her to tell Miss Davis that she didn’t want to join the play and let me be Cinderella. And Veronica did tell Miss Davis and I was Cinderella.

In the fourth grade— I was given an iPhone on my birthday so I took it to school and showed it to everyone in my grade because none of their parents allowed them to have a phone. The next day, Alvin Baxter took an iPhone to school too and told everyone his parents gave it to him because he did well in his exam. At recess, I told him to hand over the phone so I could throw it away. And Alvin did hand his iPhone over.

In the fifth grade— I attended Tiffany Hudson’s Halloween Party, dressing up as Snow White and Cassidy Bell called me a witch. She dressed up as Dracula so I stepped on her cape and she tripped in front of everybody and cried. I told her to apologize. And Cassidy did apologize.

In the sixth grade— I was giving a speech on stage during school assembly. Before I finish, I strictly told Marcus Wilson to stop singing anymore because he had a dreadful voice and I totally hated it. And Marcus did keep his mouth shut.

In the seventh grade— I created a rumor by telling everyone that Darren Clark was gay because he called me a bitch during chemistry and also because I would totally love to see Veronica Ford dump him. And Veronica did dump Darren.

In the eighth grade— I totally hated Irene Summers and always wanted to date her boyfriend, Ryan Tanner. So at the school’s Christmas party, I made out with Ryan in front of Irene when he was drunk after drinking a lot of punch. And they did break up and Ryan became my boyfriend.

In the ninth grade— I created a clique together with Tiffany Hudson, Jessica Benson and Jennifer Benson. The name of our clique was called— The We as in The ‘V’ as in ‘Victory’ as in ‘Me’. Stephanie Graham formed another clique together with Cassidy, Irene and Veronica named The Us. I told Stephanie that there would only be a ‘We’ in the school and no ‘Us’. And the next day, The Us no longer existed.

In the tenth grade— My name was Victory Price. People might call me a witch. Or a bitch. And I did think I was either of them.
blahblahblha





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Sun Dec 04, 2011 5:05 pm
ladymarmalade says...



Wow, really interesting. Not to mention attention grabbing! Reminded me quite a bit of Regina from Mean Girls. Haha, keep on writing this is great, dramatic, and even funny at times!





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Sun Dec 04, 2011 5:12 pm
dylanray96 says...



Haha. Thanks. Actually, the inspiration of writing this novel was that one time when I was gossiping with our friends and the idea of writing this novel just hit me. =)
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Sun Dec 04, 2011 5:40 pm
Starrywolf says...



I love the way it's organized and formatted. Very attention-grabbing and works well with the story.
I also like the story- an easy, short, and interesting read is always welcome. I love the ending too, all in all it's a great story/piece.





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Sun Dec 04, 2011 6:08 pm
crescent says...



Before I finish, I strictly told Marcus Wilson to stop singing anymore because he had a dreadful voice and I totally hated it.

*finished-you have been writing this whole chapter in past tense so keep it consistent.
"Anymore" seems kind of out of place here.
I felt that this sentence could have been written differently to better convey what Victoria means. It almost reads as if Marcus is singing while she's giving her speech. Perhaps "I told Marcus Wilson that he shouldn't sing anymore because he had a dreadful voice which I totally hated." would work better.

I totally hated Irene Summers and always wanted to date her boyfriend, Ryan Tanner.

"Always" is a very definite term. I doubt that Victoria's only ever liked Ryan Tanner. Perhaps you can say, "I've wanted to date her boyfriend, Ryan Tanner, since (fill in the blank)"

In the tenth grade— My name was Victory Price. People might have called me a witch. Or a bitch. And I did think I was either of them.
I really enjoyed the stark contrast between the first sentence and the last.

Grammatically, you need to stay consistent with the tense you choose. You jump around from present to past in some instances and you need to choose one. I'm not the best with tenses, so I probably didn't catch all of them. Also, you tend to not put commas in compound sentences.

Story-wise, this is a fantastic start to your novel. It was gripping, and it immediately captures the reader's attention. However, I fear that you might cause the reader to develop a hatred for Victoria Price. This is one of the problems that Lauren Oliver faced in her book before i fall. She had built up such hatred for the MC that people got annoyed and didn't care much that the MC repented from her cruel ways. It's a somewhat similar to your novel in a way being that they both begin with horrible teenage girls. Good luck, and happy writing!

-Crescent
Please take care to use good grammar when making a post!

"grammer" 1519 matches on YWS *twitches*

Rydia is the ruler of the world. :(





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Sun Dec 04, 2011 6:17 pm
xDudettex says...



Hey there dylanray!

I'm not really one for prologues as sometimes they can just bog a story down, but I liked this one. I think it was a great way of adding back story to your character so you don't have to bring up all of the instances you mention here in the book. It means we know what to expect of the character when we start to read. I hope chapter one peaks my interest as much as this prologue has.

The MC sounds like an absolute cow and my mind's already made up that I'm not going to like her at all throughout the story. This can be a bad thing. If a reader doesn't like the main character, then there is a chance that they could lose interest in the story. Just make sure that you give her some flaws so that the reader can sympathise with her. Has she got a tough home life? Are her parents divorced? Is she failing school? Any one of these points, and similar things, can make the reader give Victory some slack. Only if she deserves it of course.

bought a bar of bar


Just a typo.

which is something I totally disgust


This doesn't really make sense. It would read better as -

'which is something that totally disgusts me.'

I forgot to bring them


'them' would be better as 'mine'

Before I finish,


'finished'

I strictly told Marcus Wilson


The sentence could do without 'strictly'

And I did think I was either of them.


This is either the turning point of the character, when she realises she's a bit of a cow, or it's a typo and you meant 'didn't', like you had at the start.

***

Overall, it's not a bad piece. It's grabbed my interest and it's made me want to read the first chapter to see if it's got the same pull.

Be careful not to make the piece too cliche though. I noticed that you have twins in the group that Victory formed. That strikes me as a bit unoriginal but it's not a problem if you make the story interesting enough. I agree with the other reviewer in that it kind of reminds me of Mean Girls. I hope to see enough similarities to make it great, but not too many to make them almost the same.

I did notice that you had her recieve an iPhone in the fourth grade, and then the story starts when she's in the tenth grade. I'm from the UK, so grades me nothing to me when it comes to how old the character is, but the first iPhone was launched four years ago, yet the gap between her getting the iPhone and the start of the story is six years. Just something to bear in mind, as at the moment it's not true to fact. You should either start the story when she's in eighth grade or have her get the iPhone when she's in sixth grade. Or, you could make up a brand of phone unique to your story. Then when it was first made is irrelevant to the reader.

Anyway, I hope this review helps and I look forward to reading chapter one :)

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.





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Mon Dec 05, 2011 5:30 am
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dylanray96 says...



Hey guys! Thanks for your reviews! And advice! I really appreciate them.

For some reviewers, yes, the last paragraph in the tenth grade is the turning point. That is the place where I start writing her story.
And for some other reviewers, I have to say, I didn't know about Mean Girls. =) But I did do a little check up online and yes, the movie and the spin-off is very interesting. But my story in mind might be very different from the movies. So, I'm now waiting for a few more likes until I decide to post the first chapter. =D

Thanks again, guys. =)
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Sun Dec 11, 2011 9:02 pm
Xyra says...



I want to continue reading this. I'm curious as to where you take it. Also I think Victory needs to have some trait of likeability so that the reader doesn't just give up and say "oh I hate this bitch I'm done now." I'm not to this point yet, because I'm still interested and I want to know what happens to her! :) Keep it up!
More Than Words Can Say
Forever Yours
Xyra Pekkala


PS I will love you forever if you review my story Maia (revised version!)
viewtopic.php?f=2&t=92852
I'll review something of yours in return :P








“Hope” is the thing with feathers - That perches in the soul - And sings the tune without the words - And never stops - at all -
— Emily Dickinson