Young Writers Society

Holy long, Skins!

I mean, you said there were plenty of reviews but like, you could have warned me.
Anyways, I'm not going to do any grammar nitpicks since I didn't see any. (Yay?)

All in all, I liked this. I felt like there were a few places that maybe your dialogue was an unnecessary filler, particularly in the middle, but it wasn't bad unnecessary filler either. I think I'm probably only saying that because it was so long. The filler, I think, more than anything, helped create a connection with the reader to Charlie which is great. Just be careful with how much you try to make readers connect to quickly. It has to be the choice you nudge them at, not so much you deciding it for them.

But I like this overall. The ending sort of shocked me even with the hint of foreshadowing you gave (I love foreshadowing by the way) because I saw it going in a different way. So I really have to give you props for that. Honestly, this is really nice and I don't know quite where you're going to take this because of the character who seems like more of a flight guy then a fight guy in the end so be careful to maintain his withdrawn, feminine character.

Still, *hands over the keys to a Camero* I think you deserve this!

~lilymoore

Hey Dude, It's me the coolest person you will ever have the chance to meet . Seeing as you told me to review this, I will.

I liked it, especially the way it started. Your main character was cool, and you made me feel sorry for him in bits, and you have a way of making me follow the story without being aware of it.

The whole 'One Bad Drinking Session' was a lovely idea, and it was well executed. Although I would have liked it if you lengthened the fight scene -I like me some blood and gore-. Anyway I don't believe I have anything spectacular to add to this review as everything has already been said.

Sorry that this is an absolutely useless review.

Anger:D

Finally here to review, Skins, haha. I'm so lazy. On to the review.

It rained that night. I was strumming my guitar, playing whatever crap came into my head as I stared outside the window when my dad sauntered in.

There are two things I have a problem with here. The word "crap" - most aspiring musicians would never call their work, even when they're mucking around, "crap". Maybe "melody" or "tune" would be better. Or if you wanted to get specific, you could say you were trying to learn the lead guitar parts of a Dragonforce song (definitely would cause ears to bleed, and the father would have a reasonable reason for being annoyed).

The second thing that made me question the story was him playing in the lounge room. If he's been warned/told off about playing anywhere else bar his room/knows his father hates his type of music, why would he play in the lounge room?

“Have you seen my jacket?” Another quiet mumble.

Wouldn't you go check your room first etc? Would be a good opportunity to describe his room/the house and his economic/social status early on.

He started mumbling something to himself and raised the television's volume even more. I couldn’t hear the rain pattering against the window now, thanks to the sound of some old American sitcom.

I don't know why, but this sounds weird to me. Maybe, "The sound of some brainless American sitcom drowned out the soothing patter of the rain."

Without giving it a second thought, I left the house.

Sounds contradictory.

It felt as though the terraced houses beside me were towering over me, and the more I walked, the bigger their shadows became.

For some reason your style of writing seems really passive. I think it's because of the wording, "It felt as" instead of just outright saying it. "It felt as though the terraced houses beside me were towering over me" versus "The terraced houses towered over me". You're not verbally tell this story, it's written. So "I felt horror" is not as visually pleasing to read as, "Horror spread in a visual wave across my face".

After strolling along the pavement for a brief while, I turned to face my house and paused.

You do a lot of pausing lol.

A simple glance and I could see him through the rain and the murky window. Would it have killed him to shut the stinking blinds?

From what I remember, the blinds were open in the beginning. Your main character didn't shut the blinds, so why should his father?

I shivered before taking another step forward.

I don't think it's necessary to tell the reader about every step and when he starts walking. The reader assumes he's walking etc.

A few rain drops blew into my eyes, which forced me to squint. Through the darkness, the dim street lights just allowed me to see the red and yellow paint on the climbing frames.

More passive writing. "I squinted when rain drops blew into my eyes. I could just make out the red and yellow paint on the climbing frames illuminated by the dim street lights." Obviously mine isn't much better, but you get the idea.

It surprised me that I was able to see the dull colours through the mist in the air.

"I was surprised"

The grass was wet under my feet as the dirty water drowned my Converse.

I think it's Converses. Because you've said feet, not foot. So shoes, not shoe.

If they began hammering down with anything heavier than drizzle, I’d bee really pissed off.

I didn’t have any kind of hood or umbrella on me. I could cope with the rather pointless rain at the moment, but I couldn't be dealing with walking around in soaked clothes tonight. I'd have to do exactly that if the rain began hammering down.

Your main character's voice is really dry. He doesn't think exciting thoughts in boyish ways. Instead he's thinking, "I'd have to do exactly that". Who thinks like that?

I felt my body relax slightly as I made out the shapes of recognisable figures sitting beside the swing set.

No need to ever say, "I felt" unless you're talking. To a psychologist. What sounds better, "I felt things crawling on me" or "Things crawled on me".

He jumped over the caved in fence, then pulled the hood of his jumper over his head.

Hyphen needed.

“Where have you been?” he asked before noticing my short sleeve t-shirt. “Bloody hell, mate, this ain't Spain, you know.”

Spain seems like the most random location he could have thought of. Australia, Egypt, Hawaii - any of those would make more sense.

I was still laughing as I pulled Austin's hood down. He punched my arm before pulling me into a headlock. My head still underneath his arm, he pulled his hood back up with his free hand.

I laughed this time as Austin gave me a high-five. Timmy even chuckled, which resulted in Sean nudging him hard in the ribs. Timmy immediately stopped laughing and began picking at the lid of his can. Sean glanced at me with a smirk.

I feel as if too much just happened here. You don't need to describe what every single person is doing at every single moment.

Jax suddenly opened his can as *and* the bursting noise sent a shiver down my spine.

The group entered the park one by one, each one looking just as agggressive as the next.

Pirrrate.

“Too much energy, eh?”

Timmy and Sean started laughing along with Austin as they both stood up.

I don't know why that is funny.

I watched her carefully. It may have been a challenge to hear it, but her voice was so melodic, almost like a song.

*wince*

“That’s mine, idiot.”

lawl nice.

Austin stared at me, his face twisted. He tilted his head. I was about to speak when I felt something hard whack against my crotch. Austin’s knee.

“Stay out of it!” he yelled.

I don't know. Drunk people don't generally get aggressive. And they certainly don't lash out at their best friends.

Intense pain shot up to my stomach from my crotch and I winced in pain. I fell to the wet ground. It felt as though someone had just struck a hammer in-between my thighs, leaving me to endure the pain with no kind of remedy.

There was shouting again. I lay on the floor, my crotch throbbing. I could hardly breathe. Crap, that hurt. I lifted my head up. Austin had Lee against the fence again. I gulped.

Go ask a boy how it actually feels. Quote, "Breathless, paralysing, nauseating".

In Austin's hand was a small, black pocket knife. Shit.

=/=

It was almost funny how both my mates and the other group were yelling at Austin or Lee, encouraging them to beat the crap out of each other, yet that was all they were doing.

Contradictions. Nothing about this should have been funny.

The only trace of him was lying on the floor, unconscious... Dead?

This was weird because I thought you were referring to Austin himself. Obviously you meant the girl, but you get what I mean. Perhaps, "The only trace he had ever been here was the bleeding body back at the field. Body. I was already thinking of her as dead."

So, overall.

Charlie is odd. You could completely remove the whole mess about the jacket. Generally a person has more than one jumper. I think the whole animosity between the boys in the beginning is unnecessary. Those scenes can be entirely left out. Just Jax, Austin and Charlie at the place. And only four unknowns, including the girl. No need for extra characters that don't really play a part.

If Jax gets drunk with Austin, then that's enough. Jax can be urging Austin on. You don't need three people to urge on a fight. I didn't really like the mucking around and joking/teasing/taunting between the boys in the beginning in the first place - it just seems like filler writing. Something to add space between the drama in his house and the fight in the field. Which is why I'm suggesting to cut out the two extra boys.

Unless they play a significant roll in the future, that is.

Um, I think that's about it from me. On to chapter two.

- Jai

Hey, Skins, here I finally am. Sorry for taking this long!

Let me do some nitpicks first.

I tried not to look at him at first, but there was only a certain amount of time I could gaze at the raindrops on the window as the darkness from outside crept into the room.

Maybe it's the "certain amount of time", but I think this is a bit too wordy and awkward for a sentence, not to mention that it's quite long.

My fingers immediately stopped and the guitar was silenced.

I think the second clause is redundant. When you say your fingers stop, it automatically means the guitar goes silent, so I don't think there's a point in saying it.

He cursed, making his way to the sofa I was sitting on. He stumbled slightly along the way.

Why not just say "He cursed and approached me, stumbling slightly along the way"?

I couldn't even close the door to it anymore because of the pule of stuff wedged behind it.

Do you mean "pile"? Also, in my opinion "stuff" is too vague in this case.

Being underneath a car was more tempting than spending time in my house.

By "being underneath a car", do you mean "getting run over"?


You have a nice, neutral style that flows well and is easy to read. I like it. Also, you wrote that "battle" scene really well! It was intense -- I was nearly on the edge of my seat, waiting for what would happen next. So, very nice! I would definitely keep reading if this was a random book I had picked up. So I might go on to the next chapters!


Demeter
x

I might become everything you fear in a reviewer just because of the sheer size of this document xD.

Alright so, because most of the nit-picks were taken care of, I'm just going to jump right into this one without further adieu.

Firstly, I would like to note upon your repetition of words. I can tell there is a slight dialect to this piece which is interesting to read as I'm sure its interesting to write, but there are sections when things shouldn't be taken in dialect. Repeating words, for instance, especially nouns and adjectives, gives the appearance of being sloppy.

Thats why, as a writer, one must always work on expanding their vocabulary. You don't need to repeat the same word over and over again if you know a word of similar meaning that can be pieced into those areas, such as 'kind' being replaced with 'nice' and so on and so forth.

Another note I would like to make about your writing is that you overuse adjectives in areas. For an example from your piece;

suddenly roared ferociously

This sounds silly, ne? So don't think to much on adjectives. You already know a lot, so use them sparingly instead.

Next, I would like to touch up on your telling and not showing. The beautiful thing about writing is when the writer may encapture a moment without even having to state what that moment is. Use imagery like ribbons of crimson instead of stating blood. Little things like that make you sound more descriptive and interesting than just telling us what you want us to see. Imagery is key. A good way to work on this section would be to try and write a short story. Maybe about a soldier who died and the mother mourning, but you cannot say the words mourning, mother, soldier, war, or son anywhere in this piece. It forces you to create imagery instead.

Next, I want to talk about writing in the eyes of a male. You do this pretty well in some areas, and then peter out completely. For and example from your piece;

I didn't quite understand how they could find kicking a ball around in shorts and gaudy coloured boots an interesting concept to talk about.

Really? Gaudy looking boots? If you are trying to portray a heterosexual male, this is not the way to go. That might be a females way of thinking, but definitely not a males. Always remember that girls are from venus and boys are from mars. We think differently and always will. None of this equality crud because no matter how much science grows and gets stronger, there will always be differences and this is one of them.

Also, work on that fight scene... it was not so well described. You talk about punches being thrown but you use the same wording for every punch. Theres no imagery or metaphors. Just 'his fist flung'. 'his fist flung'. It seemed repetitive and hard to really believe.

What I liked was your character, conflict, plot, and dialogue.
~Walker

Hey Dude! Sorry for the delay.

First thing: you know what sucks? When people give you lots of reviews for the first chapter, but by the time you get three or four chapters down the line you have few or none. I'm just going to be brief on this first chapter since you've had a lot of feedback to work with already. There's only one major thing I want to comment on.

Sentence structure:
I think you still need to experiment much more with sentence structure. As far as the writing itself goes I could only find two faults, the first being the I's. A *lot* of your sentences start with I's. Generally that word disappears into the background of text, but when you use it at the beginning of a sentence it sticks out, and the actual structure of the sentences gets repetitive.

The second is your use of commas. As a simple rule, if the sentence still makes sense without the comma then don't use it. It's very easy to fall into the habit of relying on commas to pace your story. When we speak we tend to pause a lot for effect, but in text putting those commas in too much tend to make it quite bumpy and break up the flow of the paragraphs in a way you probably don't actually want them to do.

Both of these could be fixed if you just start playing around with all the different ways you can phrase things, and how you can re-arrange your sentences to have the same effect but without the added punctuation.

Positives:
I love the dynamics between Charlie and Austin. Their long-time bond as best friends is quite evident, and together they work really well. Jax is also quite an easy character to dislike. Another thing I like is your use of italics. The difference in narration blends together seamlessly when it slips from storytelling to direct thought and back.

So, on to Chapter 1.2

Hey Skinsles!

So, I'm not going to read your past reviews since there are so many and I'm assuming you've edited since then. So sorry if I repeat anything.

Austin told me that I’d forget about it. He said that it didn’t matter. He said that running would stop my mind from crashing. Austin lied.

I'm a little conflicted since I do actually really like this beginning, like the mystery it gives this. But the first time I read this, back when it was a short story, I immediately thought the MC was a girl (I still picture Charlies as girls, I guess since most people around here go as Chuck or Chuckie or something). Now, it's a lot more obvious this is a guy, but the opening lines still give off a "Boy lies to heartbroken girl" vibe. At least to me.

On the bright side, at least my brother wasn't home.

On the bright side? I wouldn't call that side bright. Maybe dimly lit. That phrasing just sounds a little too pleasant to belong just there. Maybe something like "At least my bloody brother wasn't home." (I know, poor example of me trying to sound British.)

The wind suddenly roared, knocking a wheelie bin to the hard ground. The litter spilled out, revealing a dump of bland colours along with a sickly scent. I stepped over it and accidentally kicked a half eaten slice of pizza.

This line felt like you were trying too hard to show us how bad the place is. As if the paragraph before didn't cover that, which it did. This paragraph is mostly just stalling. I'd suggest taking it out.

Straightening myself out, I locked my eyes onto the park in the distance. The rain drops in the sky blew into my eyes, which forced me to squint. Through the darkness, I could just see the red and yellow paint on the climbing frames thanks to the dim street lights. The paint had almost been washed off completely since the park had been built because no one ever bothered to give any of the climbing frames a new coat. Then again, that would only get them burnt down after a month or so. The kids around here had a passion for burning things.

It surprised me that I was able to see the dull colours through the mist in the air. The crooked metal fence that surrounded the park wasn't too hard to notice, its paint just as vague as the climbing frame's. The place didn't exactly scream child friendly.

These two paragraphs basically just repeat each other, though in different lengths. You don't need both.

Okay, so other than these things, I didn't really see much wrong here. In fact, even these things are mostly suggestions, nothing overly wrong. Sorry this is such a pathetic review, but in all fairness, you're not really giving me anything to work with.

Hopefully I'll catch a break on the next chapters.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

I LOVE THIS!!!! So blunt, so honest, so real!!! I have to say I admire your writing. The characters are soooo believable, the dialogue is impecible, and the story is gripping! I loooooove it! Keep writing please!

Damn. I wish I could write this well.
I've only read this chapter at the moment, but I'm already captivated. Normally, I don't enjoy this type of stuff - I have to have larger than life characters, and that's my weakness as a writer. You're incredibly good at writing realistic characters. You don't rush through, either - you've taken the time to tell us little details about your characters, like Charlie's room being a hotspot for rubbish dumping, that really help develope their personality and background.
I couldn't really spot any problems with this that haven't already been fixed or pointed out. You also write good action scenes. I can't wait to read the rest - I wish at least some of the published novels I have were of this quality.

"Austin told me that I’d forget about it. He said that it didn’t matter, that running would stop my mind from crashing. I actually believed him. Too bad Austin lied. "

I'm assuming this first part is supposed to be important. But I found that as I went on in the story I was forgetting about it until I looked back and thought "Why is that there?" The character, Charlie, is thinking about other things. Not Austin. Although Austin is important in the story he isn't brought up until later. If he continued thinking about it in the story it would make sense but he doesn't.

Does that mean its a flash back or flash forward or something? Either way I would start it differently.

All the way to the point of his dad coming in the room I imagined the boy, Charlie, in his room. Looking out a window. All I'm saying is that the setting wasn't very clear for a while.

The dialogue with the father and Charlie felt very real and I could see what he was going through with the claustrophobic surroundings and such. I noticed in the comments how people were mentioning that Charlie sounded like a girl because of his father. I disagree, although you may have changed it, it seems like a timid boy not knowing how to confront his father.

This part I think you meant "putrid".
Mind you, when they were shut, they looked PUTRID, so I guess that wasn't the best option.

I liked the detail on the surroundings and why it looked the way it did and I enjoyed the description so well done. One complaint, the way you wrote it made it sound like it was pouring buckets but only to find out its just a drizzle.

I think you meant "recognizable"
My body relaxed slightly as I made out the shapes of "RECOGNIZABLE" figures sitting beside the swing set. It wasn’t long until one of them turned around to face me.

I liked how you described Austin, he is a real person not just a character. He chews on his sleeves (which I used to do) and such. He seems to have his own way of speech and I loved your description on him.

Now this next part didn't make sense to me and I found myself re-reading it because I was thinking "What?"

“How’s your old man then, Black?” Jax’s grey eyes were full of amusement as he looked at me. “He ain’t done a very good job tonight. He should’ve touched that up; it's already looking better.” He nodded at my eye which I knew was a light purple colour.

Whats his dad's job. I thought he was a bum but I guess you have to have SOME source of income but I didn't get that at all. So maybe a back-story on it right here or something with a little more explanation.

I think you meant "opening"
Jax rolled his eyes before suddenly "OPENING" his can.

I liked how you included the father and his extreme hate for him. The reminder of him through just sounds. Brilliant.

Again Charlie's opinion on the discussion of Austin and Jax (Is "Jax" short for Jaxson?) and how he finds it stupid and even below him.

When the group comes it gets more intense, I love it. You know there's gonna be a fight or something. Which I love, it grabs me and makes me want to know whats going to happen next.

I think you mean "mold".
Its walls were practically green with moss and "MOLD," half of the windows had cardboard over them and there was this huge black thing that stalked the house's garden.

I think you mean "realized"
Austin laughed too, but I doubt he "REALIZED" that we were laughing at his lack of ability to say words properly when hammered rather than the jokes he was attempting.

I love how Charlie is having an inner battle thinking I should do something. But I'm happy to see that he does act. Even though he gets knocked down by it. Your characters aren't super human. THANK YOU. I also could see myself, as the girl, telling them to stop and not being amused.

This part I don't like the word "dashed" I would use a different word like rush, bolt, or dart.
Was I the only one with damn sense here? After being ignored, I "dashed" over to the guys on the ground.


I loved this piece and am excited to read more.
~Keep writing
~Berlyn Rae

I read it, Skins!

And it was an easygoing read. All of the emotions came naturally, which is something I normally struggle with, so props there. Sentence structure, grammar, etc. was awesome. Your characterization, though, was probably your biggest success.

The people seemed to "click" and work as active proponents of the story. You introduced some stereotypical guys: the dad, the one who picks a fight. All is well there, but I would probably try to give more background at some point for the dad except that-gross-drunkard-neanderthal-dude-in-the-house. Since you probably do that later, I won't bother you there or give any suggestions.

A criticism I have would be to make sure the characters and readers learn something from the novel. Every good novel I've ever read had a singular life-tip that I gathered from it. Make this entertaining, but also try to make it pertinent and useful, so that your audience is wider than just kids your age. I think this already has a shot at publication, more so than most other works on this site, so add the element of a concrete message in order to further achieve that goal.

Overall, nice job. I can tell this was a careful work for you, and that you put a lot of stock- so to speak- in your writing. Keep it up.

I'll read 2 next, obviously.

Whoa, usually my below-squirrel-level attention span just can't get through something this long that's on a computer. But this totally hooked me in. I don't think there's much else that can really be said after so many reviews, but I still felt like I had to make sure you realized your own awesomeness here. *Sighh* Well, with that pointless little comment, g'bye, hope you're still writing this because it's a great hook so far.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver