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Stop and Stare (Part 1)



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Sat Dec 25, 2010 9:12 pm
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Master_Yoda says...



You're an awesome storyteller, Skins. I'm sorry it's taken so long to get around to reviewing your piece, but I ran into some unexpected trouble trying to get University applications in.

I don't know if you've ever seen Scent of a Woman, with Al Pacino, but there are elements to your story very reminiscent of that movie. Dead Poet's Society too. Let's break your story down into conceptual terms. Your protagonist has a really tough life and his friends are the only place that he can really feel at home at all. You take that comfort away from him by forcing him to watch hes friend commit a murder. You give him a moral dilemma that involves deciding whether to compromise the only place that he feels at home. The stake is high, the tension is high. In those terms, I'd say you've achieved what you want to achieve.

Let's move past the tension into the exposition. We have a little to improve here, though not much. The first place that I'd say your exposition is less than ideal is at your introduction of Will. You force yourself into a position that does not allow you the opportunity to show the dynamic between your protagonist and your brother. The only option you allow yourself is to tell it. This, I cannot help but think is a mistake. It's enough to tell us that on the bright side your protagonist's brother wasn't home. You have mentioned Will earlier, and all we need to know at this stage is that your protagonist has feelings of resentment toward him. When we encounter Will, you have all the opportunity to show us the tension between these two. It also allows for an element of mystery to keep Charlie's relationship with Will under the wraps until it need be revealed. Leave us with the curiosity until you can do the scene justice. A brief mention to foreshadow the relationship is what you want.

The other weird thing was the room description mentioned in part 2. It seemed like some lame attempt to characterize that was completely out of place. Besides, your character has a conscience, he wouldn't notice a messy room. It seemed out of character and threw me. He's also a coward, which means that he is unlikely to go sit quietly in his room after he discovers a murder has just been committed for which he feels the guilt. He wants to be alone, most likely. He's going to mourn and then feel an intense hatred for Austin. If he eventually toes Austin's line, it's not going to be because he sympathizes. It's going to be because he's scared.

The story itself is strong, but slightly flawed. The question I think you need to ask is really how guilty Charlie actually feels. If he is as guilty as you have portrayed him, chances are he's coward enough to find refuge for his guilt by turning himself in. What you are really trying to portray is that he knows nothing will happen to him. After all, he did get kicked in the balls to save the girl. He was only guilty because he ran. What he is afraid of now is continuing to survive with no place to run. He has no friends he can trust. His father is a drunk. His brother is following in his father's footsteps. The focus needs to shift to portray this fear. Of course, he doesn't realize this yet. The guilt he experiences was born from his realization that he is not willing to face the music and save the girl at the cost of his friends. He didn't realize, they were already lost to him.

The next question is where does the story go from now. There are infinite possibilities, but remember the following things as you continue:

1) Open an escape route. An ideal for which your protagonist can grasp. This is very important in keeping up the suspense. We need to be routing for him, but if there's no visible way of escape we will lose interest.

2) Charlie needs guidance and companionship. For him to atone for his sins, he needs to be able to build himself a concrete life.

3) Your story is primarily a character story. It's focus is on the development of Charlie from coward into something more. The story needs to flaunt this character arc as much as it can.


Very nicely done. I enjoyed the story remarkably. The idea at the end of the second part is intriguing. Remember, though, don't make the mistake of many writers and let this mysterious deja vu overshadow the character story.

Hope I helped!
Yoda ;)
#TNT

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-- Robert Frost

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Mon Dec 27, 2010 12:30 am
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RacheDrache says...



I read this back when you first posted, and now I'm wishing I'd replied then. I think I'm territorial over reviewing grounds. Which is sort of pathetic, now that I think about it.

Regardless, I'm finally here. Per usual with me and your stuff, it'll probably be all over the place and contradict itself and all that good business.

First things first: I liked it very much. I particularly liked Charlie and the dialogue and will probably ramble about both in due course...and I guess there's no time like the present.

So, Charlie. I actually didn't have a hard time picturing him as male. In fact, i thought he was male in the first paragraph, which is unusual, since usually I assume the gender of the character to be that of the author until told otherwise. But, not here.

A lot of people will make a huge deal about writing through the perspective of an opposite gender, and they'll talk up "getting inside a dude's head" and try to figure out the write sentence structures to use. They'll say how difficult it is and bemoan this and that. But, we females don't have to understand men to write male characters--and male writers don't need to understand women to write female characters. You, in this case, just have to understand Charlie.

The more general understanding is useful for other stuff, like his interaction with his friends here, which was pretty good, I thought.

But, back to Charlie. I thought you represented Charlie well. He's one hurting, lonely dude, as far as I can tell. The prose matches the dialogue too, by which I mean that the Charlie you present through the prose is matched by the Charlie we get through the dialogue. The general patheticness, the sort of weakness (these are good things, from my perspective. Make for good literature). I guess if I had to go for one word, it would be defeatedness. Poor Charlie.

That's not to say that everything you wrote agreed with me. Some lines struck me as out-of-character, and a few struck me as out-of-POV.

Don't forget this is first person and you have to contend with the two fatal flaws of it. The first is that question of whether Charlie is actually recording this, etc--which I talked about with A Shot of Arrogance. The second is that only what Charlie here experiences can go down on the page. Only what he sees, hears, tastes, feels, smells, knows, thinks.

“Have you seen my jacket?” Another quiet mumble.


I find this line particularly interesting in this regard. It can be very interesting, actually, depending on one's interpretation. My far-too-many-years-of-hardcore-English-literature-classes sense gets all excited, because in that sense, I interpret this line as meaning that Charlie is aware of how weak and timid he is--he hears his own voice as a mumble, a quite mumble.

But if he's not actually hearing his voice as a quiet mumble, 'another' one at that... then you need to rephrase. I don't think most people who mumble chronically are aware that they're mumbling. I might be wrong.

Same sort of thing goes for here:

My voice was barely audible.


If he can barely hear himself speak... wow. But usually barely being audible is what the listener perceived something as. (On an unrelated note, mayhaps it'd be better to consider explaining what he was doing instead of explaining his interpretation of the results? Share his thoughts behind something?... maybe I'll come back to this.)

An example of something that seemed off-character to me was...

It felt as though the terraced houses beside me were towering over me, watching my every move as I passed them.


Okay, so this is a combination of the POV thing and the character thing. Basically, I singled this line out because it's particularly articulate, almost poetic. And maybe Charlie is somewhat poetic. But, when I'm pissed off and hurt simultaneously, I personally don't register that awful feeling of being under scrutiny as the buildings themselves watching over me.

Does that make sense? In third person, you'd be able to express that feeling that way. But, unless the thoughts in Charlie's head are really It feels as though the terraces houses beside me are towering over me, watching my every move, then you might want to consider describing the things he's experiencing more immediately. What is he aware of as he's walking down the street?

The cold definitely makes sense.

Gar, way to be confusing, Rachael. Way to be confusing.

I guess my main advice in this regard would be to Charlie-ify it up. Get into his head, describe things as he'd see them, etc, etc. He's got a good voice already, but I know you can give us more. (And I know because your dialogue's so good. This makes perfect sense in my head.)

Ah-ha! Another example to talk about:

Why did Austin even want to hang out with these pricks?


This is a particularly articulate thought process. I sure wish I could phrase things like that inside my own head, especially right there at the moment. Maybe back at home, after a bad encounter with a friend and the friends of hers/his that I don't particularly like, maybe then I'd ask myself, "Why does she even want to hang out with them?"

But, for me, I might be focusing at the moment on all the things I didn't like. The way whoever pops her bubblegum, or the way someone's always being derogatory. My point being: unless Charlie is writing from a future, wiser, smarter state where he can put his not-quite-articulate thoughts of then into articulate thoughts for the reader... you need to go into a less direct mode.

And try to convey Charlie's underlying thought of "Why the heck does my friend hang out with these losers?" in describing all the behaviors of these friends that piss Charlie off. You do a good job with the alcohol thing, and his reaction to it. But, please sir, may I have some more?

(Mooooooore?!)

Okay, I think that was confusion enough on that topic for one critique. Definitely let me know if you have any questions! I really need to work on the explaining things clearly business.

Onto other things for now. I should be better at explaining these things.

I got majorly confused with the fight scene. Couldn't keep track of who was who or what was going on--and, perhaps more importantly, who was doing what. My suggestion would be to watch those pronouns (lots of 'he's can make things confusing), and another would be to develop the setting a little. I had no idea what the surroundings were, so it was, "They're against the fence? What fence? Where'd the brick wall go? The field? Huh?"

Another thing that was confusing: you mention that these people in the track suits are a few hundred yards away. A few hundred yards. That's a huge distance. And Austin manages to shout all that way? And they manage to see how big "Fatty" is from that far away?

Also, "Fatty" is Lee, right?

And why don't Lee's cronies get into it with the other boys in Austin's company here? Try to defend him when the knife comes out? It's interesting if it's intended--sort of shows the lack of loyalty between the members of both groups--but, something to keep in mind.

Finally: remind me to explain dangling modifiers in the next critique. (Though I guess this is really just a reminder to myself to remember to tell you about dangling modifier...)

Anyway, I think that's all I've got for this critique. Please let me know if you have any questions. I'm pretty sure I might as well have written the first half of it in Gibberish for all the sense it made, but mayhaps you'll figure it out. If not, again: PM, Wall post, email, telepathy.

Rach
I don't fangirl. I fandragon.

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Mon Dec 27, 2010 2:15 am
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Elinor says...



Hi, Skins!

So, here is your requested review, and I'm sorry this took so long! This will be my first review in a while, so excuse the rustiness. *rolls up sleeves*

So, I liked how this started out. You had a nice atmosphere built up, and I really liked how you characterized the father. I could almost feel like I was inside the house, and the murky weather that you describe only enhances the desperate and hopeless situation that Charlie is in because of his father, and we sympathize with him because of it. It will be interesting to see where you take both of their characters. :) Just a question; what season is it in the story? I was thinking fall, but I'm not quite sure. If that could be cleared up, t'would be great.

When you got to the park I started to get confused. I how you built up atmosphere and setting on the walk there, and the half-eaten slice of pizza was a nice touch. However, while you say that it's almost 10, I don't really get a sense of the dark in this chapter at all. So you could work on that when you revise. in the first scene, does darkness pour through the windows? When he walks to the park, can he barely see?

The scene with the friends was well-done and it felt realistic and genuine, although it was a bit hard for me to follow at first. When the girl came, you somewhat lost me. So how exactly did they get into the fight? Because Austin tried to steal the dude's girl? You talk about the girl being wounded, but then you mention Austin is hurt and wounded...
Try to slow the scene down, focus on the characters and how they interact with each other.

Otherwise, I really liked this and I can't wait to see where you take it! PM me if you have questions or if anything was unclear in the review.

~ Elinor

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney
  





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Tue Dec 28, 2010 2:38 am
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DissolvedIntoCoffee says...



(I was alarmed when I realized that you had complimented my reviews without me actually having given you one. So here I am! :D )

I want to hug your narrator. Seriously. I want to reach into your story and chase him down and give him a big, awkward hug. He's that endearing. Some of it is situational-- his father, his friends, his being in the wrong place at the wrong time-- but a lot of it is simply his narrative voice. He's so funny and wide-eyed and generally incredulous. I love it!

Specifically, my favorite moments were when he "yums" over the old piece of pizza and when he sees the girl for the first time and gets all surprised at himself for not noticing her sooner. Both of those made me laugh, but they were also great, eloquent little pieces of characterization. Overall, I think the greatest strength to this narrative tone (besides the endearment) is that it forces you to write deftly, to depict the moments and details which the reader is bound to remember and care about (because the narrator, as a down-to-earth and typical dude, would not notice them otherwise.) It's a wonderful filter system.

The one thing I would suggest stylistically would be to make sure that you don't get caught up in those pithy moments and remember your plot, placement and pace just as you would in a less colorful narrative. Especially physically. You dawdle on minute emotional details-- the smiles, the groans, the shakes to the head-- which is fine in terms of personal choice, but there is a snippet when Charlie meets up with Austin and the others in which "I sighed, a smile on my face" and then, a paragraph later, "I jogged lightly in his direction, a smile creeping onto my face." Don't use those facial descriptions as substitutes for moments of emotional clarification, because they simply aren't telling enough to work as such. Your dialogue is awesome and very revealing, so don't hesitate to have faith in it. Charlie's dad doesn't have to shoot glares or have a coarse voice-- we can hear it and see it in the things he says.

And, for something completely different...I got a little muddled near the end (when the action picked up) about where exactly everyone was in the scene. I reread, and I think it has something to do with phrasing. I had to de-scramble the moment when the blonde girl pushes Austin and she falls down on top of him. Charlie identified the girl first, and then the push, and then the grab, then Austin's fall, and then clarified where the girl was. That's a lot of independent action in what could have been fluid motion: the girl pushes Austin, Austin reacts, they fall (cohesively), and Charlie reacts.

As for the action itself...on the one hand, I'm totally enthralled with Charlie and feel for him, standing in the middle of the park with a bleeding girl after everyone else totally bails. I'm also kind of upset that these boys bailed at all.

Either way, I'm invested.

I was snooping through the other comments and I've seen some remarks about your plot so far being typical, or at least not something that hasn't been done before...I suppose that's true, in that there are always stories about likable teenage boys whipping out knives (hello, Outsiders?) but I don't think that's any reason not to see this particular story to its end. After all, Charlie's got his own personal world with his endearing voice and his problems with his father and the fact that the girl he thought was cute just got stabbed at his feet. I found him an intriguing enough character to see him through, and provided the plot continues to explore his personal issues and voice, I would stick with him. If it really is a concern, I would suggest to play up his "home life" aspect even in the midst of the action-drama of the stabbing. That's the part of the story which is organic and has previous influence over Charlie as a character, after all.

And that just made me remember-- I also really liked the line/paragraph when Charlie flinches as the can cracks open. That was very evoking and well done.

Send me any questions, and thanks for the read!

Dissolved
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Tue Dec 28, 2010 9:53 pm
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canislupis says...



Spoiler! :
Charlie 
Austin told me that I’d forget about it. He said that it didn’t matter. He said that running would stop my mind from crashing. Austin lied. My best mate lied to me. Like this opening, but for the 'best mate' part.
It rained that night. I was staring outside when my dad sauntered in, a cigarette in his mouth and dark shadows under his eyes. I tried not to look at him at first, but there was only a certain amount of time I could gaze at the raindrops on the window.  
“Don’t you have school or something?” he asked, his voice coarse. 
"It’s almost eight o’ clock in the evening.” I chewed my lip. "And it's Saturday..." My voice was barely audible. 
He tilted his head, glaring at me as though I’d just smacked him in the face. Ok, so he's mad, but is this the best description? I'm guessing smacking isn't something your MC does very often.He cursed, making his way to the sofa I was sitting on, stumbling slightly along the way. After dropping himself down beside me, be picked up a beer bottle from the floor. I shuffled away from him slightly.How do you shuffle sitting down? 
“I’m going out,” I mumbled, standing up.  
He ignored me as usual, glugging the content of the beer bottle down his throat. Where was my jacket? I glanced at my dad. My eyes scanned the room in search of my black jacket before returning to my father for a moment. I really didn't want to have to ask him... I scratched my head, concentrating on the floor as I spoke. 
“Have you seen my jacket?” Another quiet mumble. 
I lifted my head and my dad turned to me, the light radiating from the lamp beside him unable to lighten the black shadows you already mentioned these.. the emphasis isn't bad, but couldn't you find something else to talk about?under his bloodshot eyes. I quickly glanced back down at the dirty floor. 
"Huh?" My father's voice was loud, almost making me jump. "Speak properly, boy. Honestly..." 
"Have you seen my coat? The... um, the black one?" I said, slightly louder than before. 
“No,” my dad grunted, shooting up up the volume on the television. 
I remained in the spot, contemplating what to do next. I'd sworn I'd seen him with it earlier on today... He'd given it to Will, my brother. I scratched my head again. 
"Are you sure? I think I saw yo-" 
“Are you deaf or just thick?” He shot me a glare. “I said no.”  
My father hadn't touched me, but it felt as though he'd just walloped me right in the face.Hmm... it seems like, if he's used to this, harsh words wouldn't affect him so much. I stammered a little, gaining myself another few dirty looks from the man who'd now spread himself across the stained sofa. Stop being so pathetic, I thought to myself. Tell him to sod off... It can't be that hard... Like this. Your character building is subtle, but consistent.
Cursing again, my dad turned his attention to the TV. He started mumbling something to himself. I couldn’t hear the rain pattering against the window now Why? Because of the mumbling?. Instead, the sound of some old American sitcom filled my ears. 
My dad burst out laughing at something, tapping the arm of the sofa like some deranged animal. He leaned back, a few more chuckles escaping his lips. His ecstatic grinning revealed a set of stained teeth. This description feels forced, like an afterthought.
"Uh... Well, bye then," I muttered, pausing at the door for a moment. 
"Are you going or not?" he grunted, not bothering to look at me. "Or is opening the door too much effort for you?" He shook his head. "Lazy prick..." 
I bit my tongue, trying to ignore him and his muttered comments. I pulled the door open and paused, watching my father for a moment. I considered saying another goodbye, but that thought certainly didn't fall through.This doesn't make sense... By mistake, as I left the room, I slammed the door rather than closing it. As I made my way into the hallway, I heard him yelling at me, cursing Getting kinda tired of all this mention of cursing without knowing what he's saying, exactly. I'm not saying you should actually write the curse words, but still, it's annoying. ;D even louder.  
It wasn't long until the ecstatic this implies great happiness, not humor, at least to me. Pops doesn't seem like the very happy... laughter began again though. I sighed, hastily making my way towards the front door as his laughter shattered my ear drums.This is a bit dramatic for someone so timid, doncha think? Shut up...  
Without giving it a second thought, I gladly left the house.It seems like he's been giving it second thoughts—after all, it took him forever just to get out of the room. As I stepped outside, I felt like whacking myself. Why couldn't I just tell him to shut up? But I damn well struggled to even think about telling him to do so, let alone putting those thoughts into actions. I was so bloody pathetic sometimes. One sentence, one word... That was all it took. [b]To do what? It doesn't seem like that would help him. On the other hand, love this anyway.Then why did the insults always remain stuck in my stupid throat? 
The wind wrapped itself around me, biting at my bare arms as I dragged my feet up the garden path. The raindrops splashed against my skin, sending chills down my body. It felt as though the terraced houses beside me were towering over me, watching my every move as I passed them. I crossed my arms in hope of warming myself up - a rather pathetic attempt really. Eh, don't like the 'really'.
After strolling along the pavement for a short moment, Don't like this either. I turned to face my house and paused. A simple glance and I could see him through the rain and the murky window: my dad.Who else would we be talking about? Would it have killed him to shut the stinking blinds? It was just as easy to see the bottle of beer in his hand. I turned back around. No way was I going back into that wreck of a place tonight. Being underneath a car was more tempting than spending time in my house. On the bright side, at least my brother wasn't home. 
Will. He was nothing like a brother, let alone a twin brother. Fair enough, we might have been fraternal twins, but that didn't seem like an excuse for him to be the dick that he was. I laughed bitterly as I kicked a stone, sending it flying across the road, eventually dropping into one of its many potholes. Will was what I'd have called a sheep. He practically lived and breathed my father, doing whatever the man told him to.  This is kinda boring... wouldn't just a short resentful thought about his sucking up be enough?
I sighed heavily. In the end, the guy was still my brother - my twin brother too, so I had to at least pretend to like him. Mind you, it wasn't as though he thought the same way. I kicked another stone, and started biting on my lip. I knew that I didn't have the right to play the innocent kid. I'd deservingly lost that right five years ago. If it wasn't for me, she... I shook my head. Don't think about that now. 
The wind suddenly roared ferociously, knocking a wheelie bin to the hard ground. The litter spilled out, revealing a rainbow of bland colors rainbow doesn't equal bland, to me., along with a sickly scent. I stepped over it, accidentally kicking a half eaten slice of pizza. Yum. There was another gust of wind. I knew I should have brought a damn jacket. I shivered before taking another step forward. 
I couldn’t deal with my own company anymore. Maybe some of the guys were in the park? Once I’d reached the end of the street, I saw the crumbling brick wall that led to the field behind my housing estate. Pressing my palms firmly on the wall, I lifted myself up and jumped over it. I only just managed to avoid scraping my leg against the rough bricks. Sentence structure is a bit monotonous here. Maybe try; “I lifted myself up and jumped over it, just managing to....”
Straightening myself out, I locked my eyes onto the park in the distance. A few rain drops blew into my eyes, forcing me to squint themdelete 'them'. The dim street lights just allowed for me to see the red and yellow paint on the climbing frames had almost been washed off completely since the park had been built. No one ever bothered to give them a new coat. It surprised me that I was able to see the dull colours through the mist in the air. 
The grass was wet under my feet, almost delete 'almost'drowning my Converse. I glanced up into the air to see that the sky wasn’t graced by stars, but ruled by dark clouds. If they burst even greater than they had already, I’d have been more than annoyed.More than annoyed? Really? What does that mean? Either the clouds are bursting, or they aren't. Maybe say they're threatening to unleash more than the drizzle, or something... I didn’t have any kind of hood or umbrella on me. I could cope with the drizzle at the moment, but I couldn't be dealing with walking around in soaked clothes tonight if the rain began to fall heavier. 
I felt my body relax slightly as I made out the shapes of recognizable figures sitting beside the swing set. It wasn’t long until one of them turned around, facing me. 
“We’ve been trying to call you, Charlie!” Austin called, grinning.  
The second I heard his voice, I sighed, a smile on my face. Austin took a quick sip out of the can in his hand before putting it down onto the black tarmac of the park. He jumped over the almost I've noticed a lot of almosts in this piece.... don't really care for them—they weaken the prose. caved in fence, pulling the hood of his jumper over his head. 
I jogged lightly in his direction, a smile creeping onto my face. Austin lifted his arm over my shoulder when he reached me, imitating my grin. 
“Where have you been?” he asked before noticing my short sleeve t-shirt. “Blooming hell, mate, it ain’t summer, you know.” 
“I’ve just been in the house. Sorry, I’ve kind of lost my phone...” I laughed loudly. “I lost my jacket too... I'll nick yours!” 
I pulled Austin's hood down, still laughing. Austin jokingly smacked my arm before pulling me into a headlock. My head still underneath his arm, he pulled his hood back up with his free hand. 
"What's this, mate? Some gay attack?" I asked him, trying to free myself. 
"Don't flatter yourself, Charlie boy!" He messed up my already scraggy hair, releasing me from his grasp. "It sounds like I'm talking to a horse when I call you that... It's great." 
The crisp air was filled with laughter as we made our way towards the park, Austin kicking the odd stone here and there. He lifted the sleeve of his jumper to his mouth, chewing on it. 
The guy had a strange obsession with that jumper. He’d had it for at least six years by now, and the thing was in tatters. The sleeves didn’t even reach his wrists anymore, but he adamantly denied that he needed a new one. He claimed that the sleeves were supposed to give him that abnormally long armed look. 
“How long have you guys been out then?” I asked, lifting myself over the park's fence. 
“Not long,” Austin said. “Half an hour or so.” 
He followed me over the fence, reaching for his can of cider the second his feet touched the ground. I rolled my eyes, a smile still on my face. 
Glancing around the group, I spotted a few people my eyes weren’t happy to see. Jax was fine; it was when I saw Timmy and Danny that I couldn’t help but clench my jaw. They were both grinning cockily, watching Austin and me. 
“How’s your old man then, Black?” Danny’s grey eyes were full of amusement as he looked at me. “He ain’t done a very good job tonight. He should’ve touched that up; it's already healing up.” He nodded at my eye which I knew was a light purple colour. 
My jaw remained clenched as I stared at him. Timmy laughed beside him, not trying to hide it for a second. Why did Austin even want to hang out with these pricks? 
“Shut up, Dan.” Austin nudged his side. “Don’t try and make us bog off because you want some alone time with him.” He winked at Timmy, making kissy noises. 
I laughed this time as Austin gave me a high-five. The two turnip heads muttered under their breaths, picking at the lids of their cans. 
Jax opened his can, the bursting noise sending a shiver down my spine. That was a sound I could never ignore. It wasdelete 'it was' probably because I was so used to hearing it. The smell of the fresh alcohol made me I've also been noticing a lot of descriptions that start with “made me”--this is another pet peeve, but I really don't like these except in rare cases. Maybe try something like “I wrinkle my nose in disgust and the smell of the fresh alcohol..” wrinkle my nose in disgust. The horrible stuff smelt exactly like him. My mind darkened. 
Anything that reminded me of my dad made me feel nauseous. It felt like my guts were twisted. Everywhere I looked, I managed to see him. I looked at the field around me. The dead leaves on the ground was his dirty hair and the mud that covered them were his eyes. It was almost unbelievable how it only took a split second to see that damn man in my surroundings. I'm not sure about this paragraph. I like that his dad makes his nauseous, but the other parts seemed like he was just trying to illustrate his own point...
Austin gulped down another four cans of cider.That was fast. His eyes had gradually become redder, his voice louder and his opinions a hell of a lot stronger.  
“Charlie, you seriously.” Hiccup. “Like, really seriously need to try some of this!” Austin held up a new can in his hand. “It does.” Hiccup. “Does wonders, mate!” 
I shook my head, not even giving it an ounce of a thought. My stomach was churning inside of me as I watched the can being lifted to his chapped lips. Why was there bloody alcohol everywhere I looked? 
The guys were discussing football or something when I heard some deep voices in the distance. I shifted my eyes to the bottom of the field, to where the brick wall was. Through some of the mist, I could just make out a group of people. My eyes remained on them as they ambled along the field.  
Neither Austin, Jax, Timmy, or Danny had noticed them; they were all lost in conversation. I didn’t quite understand how they could find kicking a ball around in shorts and gaudy coloured boots an interesting concept to talk about. 
The group on the field were closer now. They’d just passed the second rugby post when I turned to look at them again. It seemed as though there were only four of them, but one of the kids could have easily been classed as two, taking his size into account. 
“Hey, who are they?” I turned to Jax, who was sitting next to me. 
I nodded my head at the group who were now a few hundred yards away from us. Jax broke out of the football conversation for a second, glancing at the field behind us. 
“Dunno... I ain’t seen them around,” he said slowly. “Hey, do any of you guys know them?” 
He turned to the others before watching the group on the field again. They were all dressed in tracksuit bottoms, wearing sports tops or hooded jumpers, most of them being knock-off Superdry ones, most likely. Don't like this description—you could just say “or knock-off Superdry hooded jumpers.”
Austin jumped up, stumbling slightly as he did so. He laughed as he spun around and leaned on the red fence beside him. He spat on the floor. 
“Oi!” 
As he shouted, the group snapped their heads up, silent for a moment. The large boy at the front of the group narrowed his eyes as he locked his gaze on Austin. 
“Hey! Fatty! There’s no.” Hiccup. “No food here, sorry!” Austin suddenly burst into uncontrollable laughter. He turned to us. “Did you see that? I just called him fatty!” 
The hysterical laughter continued, Austin’s arms still rested on the top of the fence as he stared at the group now a few hundred yards away from us, an almost lost look surfacing in his dark eyes. 
A few of the guys from the group muttered something to each other, but they didn’t seem too bothered by Austin’s nitwit comment, thank God.  
“Austin, do you wanna get your brains knocked out by a guy who could probably eat an entire fridge?” I shook my head. 
“Hey, that’s a good one!” Austin turned back to the group. “Eaten your fridge yet, fatty?” 
Another burst of laughter. This time, his arms slipped, only just allowing him to stop himself from smacking his face against the damp fence. Hmm. Maybe try, “and he only just caught himself before smacking....” Also, the fence is coming up an awful lot. Now it's damp, before it was red, and before that it was almost caved in. I think just one description would be enough.
‘Fatty’ didn’t ignore him quite as well as before. He clenched his fists, walking briskly in our direction. Well done, mate, I thought to myself, watching Austin as he continued laughing to himself. My heart skipped a beat when I noticed the rest of the group heading straight towards us. 
Austin turned to the gate of the park as they walked in, his face brimming with amusement. Timmy, Danny and Jax didn’t look too nervous either. The group entered the park one by one, none of them looking as though they wanted to shake hands and make up. This seems kinda roundabout—in my experience, guys don't tend to use euphemisms like that.
The last one to walk in was someone I somehow hadn’t noticed before. Once I did notice her, the fact that I hadn’t done so at first shocked the life out of me. My eyes locked onto a blonde girl as she wandered into the park, her nails in her mouth. 
Unlike the other four members of the group, she wasn’t wearing any kind of tracksuit material. Everything she wore actually looked clean, to begin with. There was a really tight top clinging to her flat waist, shaping it perfectly. Dang. Her platinum blonde hair was slicked back into a high ponytail, just reaching the bottom of her shoulders. All that delete 'that' I could do was stare. 
How on earth had I not noticed her? I mean, seriously? Had I turned gay for a brief moment or something? My eyes remained wide. Even if I was gay, I’d have to have been blind not to have noticed this chick. Maybe ‘Fatty’ had been blocking my view? Hmm, does this have to do with his Dad? If so, then I like it. If not, it's annoying. xD
One of the dark-haired boys stepped forward, stamping on an old cigarette butt on the floor floor? In a park? Isn't it, like, dirt or grass or something? as he did so. Austin foolishlydelete 'foolishly'. winked at the boy as he neared him.  
“You have to have your mates sick up.” Austin let out a loud laugh, ignoring the fact that there was now a very aggressive guy standing right in front of him. “I mean, stick up for you, do you, Fatty?” He looked over the dark-haired boy’s shoulder. “Too much energy, eh?” 
Timmy and Danny started laughing along with Austin, both standing up. Jax did the same. Even I let out a few chuckles, a small smirk on my face. It was pretty funny... I quickly glanced at the girl in the tight clothes, whose eyes showed something - a dark look - that wiped my grin off of my face. Her nails remained in her mouth. 
While Austin continued laughing, the boy who was now right in front of him grabbed his jumper. Austin did nothing but laugh even more. 
“Who do you think you are, kid?” the boy hissed in his face. 
“Lee, leave it.” I whipped my head to the blonde girl. 
Her voice was quiet; my ears were only just able to pick up what she said. It may have been a challenge to hear it, but her voice was so melodic, almost like a song.  
“What the hell are you looking at?” Lee’s voice made me jump. “That’s mine, idiot.” Eh, this is clichéd.
I turned back to him and Austin to see Lee glowering at me. I assumed he’d just referred to the blonde girl.  
Within a second, Austin had pushed Lee off him. Austin grabbed his jumper this time. I froze. 
“Don’t speak to my mate like that, zit face!” He shoved Lee against the fence. 
The blonde girl let out a sudden yelp, but I seemed to be the only one who noticed. The others remained concentrated on the two guys against the fence. 
Lee glared at Austin, his eyes blazing. Austin lifted his elbow into the air, his fist clenched. Seconds later, it shot forward. As the blow hit him, Austin lost his grip on Lee. Both boys cursed.  
“Mate! Knock him back!” Timmy shouted as Austin rubbed his nose. 
Lee’s friends began egging him on, calling Austin every name under the sun. Austin lifted his arm into the air. Lee was soon welcomed by his fist. He cursed Here we go again with the cursing... this time, grabbing Austin’s arm. Lee clenched his fist again. Another punch. 
Austin fell to the ground, his eyes more bloodshot than ever. This seems like an odd thing to notice, given that it's dark, and he's fighting. And where is the blood coming from? Or it might have been the blood. Everyone around me was shouting now, a couple of them laughing. The two boys struggled on the ground, shooting curses at each other. The only one without a smile on her face was the blonde girl. Instead, her lips were quivering. 
“Cut it out!” I shouted, jolting up.jolt makes me think of electricity. Maybe say, “jolting to my feet” or something? 
Was I the only one with damn sense here? After being ignored, I dashed over to the guys on the floor. Austin was on top of Lee by now. I managed to grab Austin’s arm, pulling him off the boy on the floor.Rep. Of floor. 
“There could be cops around, you idiot!” I hissed. “Leave it!” 
Austin lifted himself to his feet, his teeth gritted. His breath was cut short, his eyes on fire. He glanced at Lee before turning back to me. 
“Just chill out...” I said, my heart beat gradually slowing down. 
Austin stared at me, his face twisted. He tilted his head. I was about to speak when I felt something hard whack against my crotch. Austin’s knee. 
“Stay out of it!” he yelled. 
Intense pain shot up to my stomach from my crotch, making me Again, with the making me... wince in pain. I fell to the wet ground. It felt as though someone had just struck a hammer in between my thighs, leaving me to endure the pain with no kind of remedy. [/b]This is, again, too dramatic. I think you can do better than that—instead of talking about the pain, talk about his body language like you do in the next paragraph. 
There was shouting again. I lay on the floor, my crotch throbbing. I could hardly breathe. I was winded lol, really? This is redundant.. Dang, that hurt. I lifted my head up. Austin had Lee against the fence again. I gulped. In Austin's hand was a small, black pocket knife. Shit. 
“Go on, Austin!” Danny shouted. 
“Use the damn thing!” It was Timmy this time. 
I tried to sit up, only to enhance the pain in my stomach and crotch. Groaning, I tried Try just “I watched the scene watching the scene unfold in front of me. Then it happened. 
Austin’s arm shot back, the free hand without the knife in it holding Lee down. I hopelessly attempted lifting myself up. I winced again. 
“No!” There was a shriek. 
It was the girl. The next thing I saw was Austin being pushed to the ground. As he fell, he reached out, grabbing the blonde girl’s arm who’d just pushed him. Austin landed on the ground. The girl had fallen on top of him. 
I managed to sit up now, my heart bursting out of my rib cage. It was the only sound to be heard. Everything else was silent. Dead silent. Time stopped for a moment. 
“Shit!” His eyes wide, Austin pushed the girl off him. 
Everyone was staring at her. Why was everyone staring at her? Austin stood up, stumbling a little. He stared at her too. He hadn’t... I looked at her. He had. 
“I’ve...” Lee stammered. “We’ve gotta get out of here.” 
Without even looking back at the girl, he ran. He slammed the gate open, bolting out of the park. The rest of his friends followed, not bothering to turn to the girl once. Jax, Timmy and Danny ran. There was no one else in the park now. Just me, Austin and her. 
I couldn’t take my eyes off her. There was still a light throbbing feeling in my crotch, but I didn’t take any notice of it. The physical feelings were numb.I'd delete this sentence. My eyes locked onto the girl’s stomach. I stared at the puncture, the blood seeping through her tight top. I stared at the knife. 
“Come on, Charlie.” I jumped the second Austin’s hand grabbed my shoulder. “We could... We can’t get caught.” His voice shook. 
I stood up, but I didn’t step forward. I could see her properly now that I was above her. Her eyes were hidden behind their lids, her body was entirely motionless, and each second that past felt longer and longer until they began to feel as though they were turning into minutes, eventually turning into hours... days... 
“Charlie!” he was shouting now. “Come on! Forget about it. It doesn’t matter!” 
Austin bent down, his hand shaking. That was when he pulled the knife out of her. He just pulled it out like she was a slab of meat. The blood seeped out quicker. 
I felt sick. The smell of damp tarmac circled the freezing air around me, forcing meMaking me? to want to throw up. Austin stepped over her, not looking down once, and grabbed me. Holding me firmly, he sprinted towards the park’s gate. Seems like it would be very hard to do this...I ran with him, but my legs just carried me.If he's running, we assume he's using his legs. It felt like I hadn’t moved an inch. 
Once I was out of the park, I could run. Boy, could I run. My legs ached as my feet slammed against the moist grass, the water running into my shoes. Austin had let go now. He was ahead of me. My lungs were gasping for air, my body begging me to stop. So that’s what I did.  
Austin jumped over the wall and he was gone. Just like that. It was as though he’d never been here. The only trace of him was lying on the floor, unconscious... Dead? I simply stopped and stared. My mind couldn’t comprehend anything greater. I'd delete the last sentence.



Hi Skins! Here is part one of two. :D I did quite a few nitpicks and specific comments—you'll find them in the spoilers. Anyway, I really, really like this piece. As a first chapter, it was immediately engrossing and stayed that way till the end. I also like the way he doesn't come back, and how we don't know whether she's dead or not.

Personally, I thought it was a boy from the beginning, and didn't think he seemed like a girl (except or one or two more dramatic parts where he seemed just a little... well, overly poetic. :D). The prose itself could use a bit of work, but not much—most of my comments have to do with awkward sentences more than major problems. I actually haven't read much of your work, :oops: so I can't tell if it's different or not. Some of the descriptions were off, and often your wording was off, but overall I think the strongest part of this was Charlie's voice.

You really like writing stories like this, don't you? I'm not complaining; you do it well. But still, I kept thinking this was a continuation of the other one I read. While, like I said, I think it's working for you, you might try at least a slightly different situation. (Especially the part about his mom—it jumped out for me.)

Then, pacing—it was pretty good, but I think I'd spend a little less time in the beginning (with his Dad, and the like. I really enjoyed reading it, but feel like at least a bit of it could be saved for later—you really want the first chapter brief and engrossing.) The part in the park was well done as well, but I found myself stumbling over the knife fight. It felt a little stilted to me, personally. (Seriously, way too many fences going on) Especially the part when the girl ran forward; I didn't have a clear picture of what was happening.

Your characters were great—the dad was believable (if a bit clichéd) and Charlie was very very well done. Austin and the girl were good too, but the other characters were a bit flat. Lee was just annoying that way, actually, and Austin's friends didn't really seem to do anything. Be careful with the “good boy who's starting to hang out with 'bad kids' even though he's better than them” thing—it's ok now, especially since it's from his POV and most people think their own actions are right, but it could definitely get annoying if you go too far.

As for where you're going from here, I'm a little iffy. Charlie is obviously already feeling very, very guilty. I'm very interested to see how he deals with that, as he really has nowhere to go. But I think I'll stop rambling now.

And.... I think that's all I have to say! I definitely feel like reading the next bit now.

Hope I helped at least a tiny bit!

Lupis
  





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Wed Dec 29, 2010 8:38 am
occasionalpessimist says...



I like this story. Even if I'm not usually a fan of romance.

Even with the cliffhanger at the end, I'm not sure about what you've added to this chapter to pull the reader into the next. Unlike in your other story, A Shot Of Arrogance, we wait to find out who the heck Oliver is and who Victoria will end up marrying, if she does at all. (Yes, you deserved the read, and I liked it. Even if I don't do romance.) But here...?
I mean,we would certainly like to know who the others were, and why they were hanging around, but... oh, I'm really sorry. I told you, I don't do romance. Which means I'm not that great at reviewing it.

Other than that, and other minor mistakes, it was okay.
- Alexandra
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Sun Jan 02, 2011 11:30 am
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ArcticMonkey says...



Alright Skinsy, bare in mind those reviews that you saw was when I was a little bit cu-koo, so this one probably won't be that good. Especially since you have 20 reviews...Literally.

So, part one, the beginning of your story had so much importance to the story line, I believe. I most definetly think I learned a hell of a lot about all the characters, and what they're like. I really do want to read more, so, I'll probably review Part Two soon...Whenever I can 8)

I'm not too sure of the plot so far, however I can tell that your characters work with it and I hope they continue to do so. Now, at some points I was rather confused as to what was going on, but I think that's just about me because I find myself having to read things twice a lot. It was the part with Austin beating up Lee, when we didn't know Lee's name and we reffered to him as Fatty. I thought that whole part was a bit long, I mean I understand that a lot had happened, however with so much dialogue it got quite confusing. I can say that you did a good job in making sure one thing led to another, and you didn't have weird back-story's in the middle which just confused everyone. I can also say that it was VERY exciting to read, and if you see something long you're sometimes thinking, I have to review this?. But even though this was a long piece, it had me going the whole time, so I commend you for that. This chapter was mainly set in two places, the park and Charlie's house. I think you definately made the change between those two places very clear. Like I said, this was an exciting chapter, and the action was like BAM BAM BAM. It was escalating and escalating and the end was really O.O. Yes, I'll explain how I felt about your work with a weird smiley :P. I liked how your character asked future plot questions which are yet to be resolved, it makes the reader think about the plot more, so yeah, keep on doing that. Lastly, for this little paragraph thingy, I'm glad you put this in general fiction novels. Because this is going to be a Romance story, right? And if you were to put it in Romance it would be complained for having to much action and vice versa.

Your characters are very, very good in the way you've characterized them using all the techniques (showing the characters appearence, displaying the characters actions, revealing the characters thoughts, letting the character sepak, and getting the reactions of others). My main concern about your characters is that Timmy and Sean sound virtually the same. I know this is just a first chapter, but they sound like followers. I do admit, however they have voices of their own, and if they don't like something they will say. But then with all the drunk-ness, it's hard to say :P. Your characters' actions fits their characteristics, such as Charlie waiting in the background, Timmy chearing on, and Austin getting straighht into the action. Sometimes, I'm uncertain why they are doing such things, for example Charlie questioning what his friends are doing. I know it's hard to write in the opposite gender, however not all guys are complete twats when they get a lil' drunk, and don't fall into the cliché or a really sensitive guy, who hates fighting ect. I think you've clearly outlined the characters' strengths and weaknesses, especially with that whole fighting..scene..thing. Yeah. Right now I know of the Protagonist, but who is the Antagonist? The one stopping Charlie? Because it could be his dad. Is it Austin? Because if it was, he wouldn't have such a good relationship with him. Or maybe the conflict between them happens later? And if it is Austin, he is clearly strong enough to push Charlie to his limits.

You've kept to the same POV all throughout, well done. This story is dual POV, right? That's what I remember seeing, I think...somewhere. If there is, do they come in the next chapter or what? I'm excited to see, mwahahaha. Generally, I think that you've kept the interier monologue to a minimum, don't be afraid to use more of that, but make sure you show, and don't tell. Also, I think you've probably done the right thing with an action scene here- not using too much interier monologue. With less-action-packed scenes, use his thoughts mor often, but again not too much. Stop repeating yourself, Tamara). Right now, I think you've done a good job of showing, not telling, and well done! :). Now, your sentence lengths are quite varied, however I noticed quite a few two claused sentences in the figth part-which is the action of the chapter. So, remember to use shorter sentences during action scenes, it help create tension and suspence. Most of the time, the story is telling itself, and you as the author is not intruding in it, trying to clear up some parts, so, good ;). You've used cause and effect a bit in this chapter/part, remember that that should help you during these types of scenes.

Alright, I'm goig to scadaddle now. Sorry if I wasn't much help, but I hope I did help!

~Tamara :smt001 x
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Sat Jan 08, 2011 12:47 am
bookworm27 says...



Wow! Unfortunately I'm on my itouch-dang tiny keyboard- so I can't do an in depth review, but I really enjoyed this! Can't wait to read the next part! -booky
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Sat Jan 08, 2011 5:00 am
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Button says...



Hiya there Skins :)
SO I've been meaning to get to this for just about forever. I'm dearly sorry that I haven't before-- it's been sitting on my Reading List for quite a while. BUT, here I am.

So let's get started:


Skins wrote: “Are you deaf or just plain thick?” He shot me a glare. “I said no.” I think that in this part, you could have more of a reaction from the father-- not a violent one or anything, but I would say something about the tone. The first time I read the following lines, I was a little confused as to why it hurt so badly, especially if this is a normal thing.
My father hadn't touched me, but it felt as though he'd just walloped me right in the face. I should have been used to it by now. I stammered a little, gaining myself another few dirty looks from the man who'd now spread himself across the stained sofa. Stop being so pathetic, I thought to myself. Tell him to sod off... It can't be that hard... This talking to yourself and telling yourself to stand up thing is very good, and very realistic.


Skins wrote: "God, you're annoying..." My dad turned his attention back to the TV.
He started mumbling something to himself, raising the television's volume even more. I couldn’t hear the rain pattering against the window now, thanks to the sound of some old American sitcom.
My dad burst out laughing at something, tapping the arm of the sofa like some deranged animal. He leaned back, a few more chuckles escaping his lips. His ecstatic grinning revealed a set of stained teeth.
"Uh... Well, bye then," I muttered, pausing at the door for a moment.
"Are you going or not?" he grunted, not bothering to look at me. "Or is opening the door too much effort for you?" He shook his head. "Lazy prick..."
I bit my tongue, trying to ignore him and his muttered comments. I pulled the door open and paused, watching my father for a moment. I considered saying another goodbye, but I soon decided against it. By mistake, as I left the room, I slammed the door rather than closing it.
"Oi!"
As I made my way into the hallway, I heard my dad yelling at me. It wasn't long until the deranged sounding laughter began again though. I sighed, hastily making my way towards the front door as his laughter shattered my ear drums. Shut up...
Wait, are they in an apartment or is he still in the house? I was picturing a front door of the house, and then was a little bit confused.


Skins wrote:
After strolling along the pavement for a brief while, I turned to face my house and paused. A simple glance and I could see him through the rain and the murky window. Would it have killed him to shut the stinking blinds? It was just as easy to see the bottle of beer in my dad's hand. I turned back around. No way was I going back into that wreck of a place tonight. Being underneath a car was more tempting than spending more time in my house. On the bright side, at least my brother wasn't home. Nice establishment of their relationship-- I was wondering why the father would give the other son his jacket, and why he didn't just ask his brother. If his brother wasn't home, then he would have had his jacket with him, but if he was home, then he could just go ask him. This wraps all that up very nicely. :)
The wind suddenly roared ferociously, knocking a wheelie bin to the hard ground. I'm assuming a "wheelie bing" is a garbage can?The litter spilled out, revealing a dump of bland colours, along with a sickly scent. I stepped over it, accidentally kicking a half eaten slice of pizza. Yum. There was another gust of wind. I knew I should have brought a damn jacket. I shivered before taking another step forward.
I couldn’t deal with my own company anymore. Maybe some of the guys were in the park? Once I’d reached the end of the street, I saw the crumbling brick wall that led to the field behind my housing estate. I pressed my palms firmly on the wall. Being careful not to scram scratch? "Scram" means to exit a place really quickly, or flee. my hands, I lifted myself up and jumped over it. I only just managed to avoid scraping my leg against the rough bricks.

Skins wrote: The grass was wet under my feet, drowning my Converse. I glanced up into the air to see that the sky wasn’t graced by stars, but ruled by dark clouds. If they unleashed anything greater than drizzle, I’d have been really pissed off. I didn’t have any kind of hood or umbrella on me. I could cope with the drizzle at the moment, but I couldn't be dealing with walking around in soaked clothes tonight. The descriptions you give don't really seem to fit with the narrator's tone. It's always a difficult thing to do when you're writing prose in first person, but I think that if you kept the description in words that the narrator would use, then they become much more valid and much more powerful.


Skins wrote:Jax opened his can, the bursting noise sending a shiver down my spine. That was a sound I could never ignore. Probably because I was so used to hearing it. The smell of the fresh alcohol made my nose wrinkle in disgust. The horrible stuff smelt exactly like him. My mind darkened.

Anything that reminded me of my dad made me feel nauseous. It felt like my guts were twisted. Everywhere I looked, I managed to see him. I looked at the field around me. The dead leaves on the ground was his dirty hair and the mud that covered them were his eyes. It was almost unbelievable how it only took a split second to see that damn man in my surroundings.

After a good two hours or so had passed, Austin had gulped down another four cans of cider. His eyes had gradually become redder, his voice louder and his opinions a hell of a lot stronger.

“Charlie, you seriously.” Hiccup. “Like, really seriously need to try some of this!” Austin held up a new can in his hand. “It does.” Hiccup. “Does wonders, mate!”

I shook my head, not even giving it an ounce of a thought. My stomach was churning inside of me as I watched the can being lifted to his chapped lips. Why was there bloody alcohol everywhere I looked?

I was actually planning on addressing this a bit earlier. Personally, I've dealt with having an alcoholic in the house, and it's really difficult to be around it with friends. While my friends drink, they don't drink around me, because they know it bothers me. Not a lot, but it makes me uncomfortable because of all the memories that are attached with it. While the others are total jerks, Austin seems like the kind of guy who would understand that.



Skins wrote:Austin and Lee were standing still now, Lee's eyes struggling to hide any fear. Austin had his back to me, so I couldn't catch a glimpse of his face. I wasn't sure if I wanted to. Jax, Sean and Timmy were standing a few inches away from me, neither of them even thinking of looking at me. Lee's group were opposite us, 'Fatty' screaming for his friend at the front. I turned back to Austin and Lee in front of me.

Then it happened.

Austin’s hand which held the knife shot back, his free hand holding Lee down. I hopelessly attempted lifting myself up. I winced again.

“No!” There was a shriek.

This part was really confusing for me. The "Then it happened" was awkwardly placed, so I was looking for WHAT had happened. I thought Austin had stabbed Lee, but there was nothing saying that. And then, I was wondering if that's what you meant by the next line. So, after settling on that, Lee runs away after the girl is stabbed. Then, I went to reread and understood.
Yes. Kind of confusing.
I think that if you cleared this up a bit, it would really make this section a lot more powerful as an entirety. This is a really climactic point, and should hold as much tension as it can.




Excellent ending.


Overall:
Nice piece- you definitely carried my interest the entire way, have shaped some excellent and well-rounded characters and have a nice plot. In the middle you were kind of lacking in narrator appropriate description I think, and there were some inconsistencies that I mentioned, but those were almost more nit-picks than anything else. This was great. :)
Nice job!

-Coral-
  





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Sun Jan 23, 2011 11:03 pm
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xDudettex says...



Hey!

So I saw that you were asking for more comments on this and, seeing as you did such an awesome review for me, I thought I'd try and repay the favour. Alas, everyone else seems to have already covered everything that I was planning on saying :P

I did notice a couple of typos, but looking back through the piece, I can't find them. I must have a keen eye only when reading :P

I have to say, your writing has improved so much from when I first started reading your work! You managed to hold my attention the whole way through and you've left me wanting more :) The characters seem realistic and I loved the humour sprinkled throughout the piece, even though the story seems to be quite dark. I want Charlie to stand up to his dad :)

I'm definitely going to carry on reading this - you have me hooked - I hate cliffhangers!

Sorry my review isn't very constructive. The typos can be fixed by reading back through the piece yourself, so you don't have anything major to change in my eyes.

Thanks for the read and Good luck in the contest!

xDudettex
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Tue Jan 25, 2011 1:48 pm
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Hecate says...



Hey Skins!
I'm here to review as requested! First, I'll point out some nitpicks and then I'll talk about the story in general.

"It’s almost ten o’ clock in the evening.”


He would say ‘only’, because he’s trying to convince him to let him stay up, ‘almost’ would imply it’s too late to stay up


I sounded so bloody pathetic. I lifted my head and my dad turned to me. The light radiating from the lamp beside him was unable to lighten the black shadows under his bloodshot eyes. I quickly glanced back down at the dirty floor


I would use a different adjective because ‘lighten’ and ‘light’ sounds too repetitive.

"Huh?" My father's voice was loud, almost making me jump. "Speak properly, boy. Honestly..."


On a side note, up to this point I was convinced Charlie was a girl for some reason :D!

I'd sworn I'd seen him with it earlier on today... He'd given it to Will, my brother


I thought these could be two separate sentences and the use of ellipsis wasn't entirely necessary, though on the other hand it does appear that he was thinking about when he'd seen him with the jacket, so perhaps it's more effective.

the park


“Blooming hell, mate, this ain't Spain, you know.”


Í'm not entirely sure if I'm right, as British slang is not my strong point, but I thought that for the character of Austin, you could perhaps use harsher slang. Blooming hell almost sounded like a euphemism for something like 'bloody hell' to me. Given that he's about to kill a person and run off, I thought a harsher phrase was in order and the expression does not fit with his character that well. Still, I may be completely wrong, feel free to say so.

"Sod Timmy Sean? , go and make out with that bird crap." I pointed at the floor.
Even Timmy chuckled at that,


I simply stopped and stared.


I don't like this last sentence. It's got too much to do with the title and it seems forced, like it shouldn't be there. It just doesn't belong there. It meddles with the flow.

Overall



Now that I'm done nitpicking, it's time to give you actual general feedback on the story line and characters. Here's the truth, I loved it! Yes, it can definitely be improved upon, but give me one piece of writing that can't. I was particularly impressed by the way you described Austin as drunk and italicized the word 'hiccup' to imitate the sound. I thought that was very effective. A job well done there.

The boys did appear a bit too violent and almost keen to get into a fight, but I have to admit that this was probably because of the drinking, so it makes sense.

I, like one of the people above me, do not understand why you needed to have the gay part in. I mean, I haven't read the story and perhaps it has some significance later on, but I felt it was almost overused. I mean, sure sometimes guys say stuff like that, but it was mentioned too many times so perhaps you may want to consider that.

Now Charlie was a very interesting character, almost feminine, I'm not sure if that's what you were going for. Also, I noticed that he sounded slightly depressed, everything around him upset him to an extend. This is probably because of his father who messed him up, but in certain occasions he almost came off as whiny. I did like the fact that he was more responsible than his friends and did not drink, as that definitely set him apart from them and made him more original.

I'm not sure if I'll have time to review every chapter, but if not I'll definitely read the whole story and PM you what I think of it, because this first chapter definitely got me interested. Good job, you have a hook and a cliffhanger! Keep writing, Skins! You're obviously good at it ;)
  





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Tue Jan 25, 2011 6:07 pm
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Jetpack says...



Hi Skins, here as requested. Seems like you've had a lot of content-based reviews, which is great, because that leaves me to nitpick what little there is I would consider revising here. I love your characters, and I wouldn't have remarked on a gender confusion at all without having read the other reviews. Charlie's pretty realistic, I think. Anyway, I decided to be really nitpicky, so some of these are personal/fairly minute. I write predominantly from third person, so I don't usually distinguish between a somewhat odd narrative voice and flow issues. Okay, excuses aside, I'll start. xD

He tilted his head, glaring at me as though I’d just down right offended him.


Usually, "downright" is all one word. I'd debate including the rest of the sentence from "as though", because surely "glaring" suggests offense or anger anyway? The qualification isn't completely necessary.

He stumbled slightly along the way. After dropping himself down beside me, he picked up a beer bottle from the floor. I shuffled away from him slightly in my seat.


I'd cut one of those, because I trip on the repetition as I read this paragraph.

brighten the black shadows under his bloodshot eyes.


Consider cutting "black". After all, shadows are always black.

shooting up up the volume on the television.


Just a typo there. Sorry if people have caught these before, but I didn't go through all the previous reviews in detail.

gaining myself another few dirty looks from the man who'd now spread himself across the stained sofa.


When you say "gaining myself", I think you could use "earning" to have much the same meaning without the clunkier construction.

He started mumbling something to himself, raising the television's volume even more.


I think it's because you've got "mumbling" and "raising", but this sentence suggests those actions are sequential rather than separate. I'd begin the second half of that sentence with "and raised" to distinguish the timing and ensure they seem unrelated.

It wasn't long until the deranged sounding laughter began again though.


I'd cut "sounding", and possibly "though" towards the end. Both lessen the impact of the sentence.

I crossed my arms in hope of warming myself up - a rather useless attempt.


Again, I'd cut the last half of the sentence, from the em dash, because it doesn't do much for the flow.

Maybe some of the guys were it he park.


Just a typo again. The sort that Word's grammar check never seems to bother to underline in between all the "fragment - consider revising".

Being careful not to scram my hands


Did you mean "scram" here? Seems like the wrong word...

The kids around here had a thing for wrecking new things.


Repetition of "thing" is awkward. Rephrase?

I glanced up into the air to see that the sky wasn’t loaded with stars, but was being suffocated by dark clouds.


I'd cut "was being". Again, for fluidity.

As for Sean, he was the thickest kid int he world.


Just a typo.

Sean glanced at me, reaplcing his muttering with a smirk.


I'd just say "smirking", because we infer the rest.

The blonde girl let out a sudden yelp


I don't know if "yelp" is the right word. It's just usually associated with either animals or people in physical pain. Suggesting "cry", instead.

Haven't anything else to comment on, really. The narrative gets a lot smoother once you hit the fight scene, which is very well written. I was actually pleasantly surprised to see the girl wasn't just passively set up as a love interest. Detail like that and small changes make up for some of the more general clichés of the plot. After all, Tropes Are Not Bad.

I'll try and get to the rest of the chapters some time this week, though I might have to finish up at the weekend. Thanks for a great read.

- Jet.
  





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Wed Jan 26, 2011 10:57 pm
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Spitfire says...



Hey Skinsy! I haven't read anything of yours in a little while...

...(by the way, I - and many others, I am sure - am still waiting for FreakPunk's next chapter of Hide and Seek)..
Aaaaanyways.. Moving on!

Normaly this is the part where I do nit-picking, but honestly! People have already done a loooot of it, and I hadn't noticed that much to begin with. In other words, useless to nit-pick. *nods head in agreement with herself*

So, I'll just go over the chapter. I loved the MC, plain and simple. I like how he berates himself - although not usually a good thing - that he can't face up to his old man, yet with his "friends" he acts all tough. It's realistic; something I would see myself doing if I'd be in his shoes. The other characters were good too, although they're all idiots, in the end.

The only thing that bothered me was the girl. Not her, per say, but how she's treated. She's with the other group of guys yet they don't really acknowlegde her. And then once she gets stabbed, her "group" doesn't even seem to care that she's dead. They're only panicked that they could be caught. Not one of them feels bad that she's dying! Maybe you'll have explained this further on, but for right now, I find that unrealistic. Or maybe they didn't really know her, but I find that hard to believe. Just my opinion though.

As for the flow of the story. Well done. It was easy to follow through the story and your MC's thoughts. Contrary to what some said, I didn't think there was too much description. It was aaaall good.

I'm not sure how much help I've been, but that's my perception of the story. I liked it, but now I really want to kow what happens next. I hope it goes well for the contest!
Good luck ;)
Got a story you'd like reviewed?
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Punctuation is the difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma".
  





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Sun Jan 30, 2011 1:27 am
LadySpark says...



since everyone already did the nitpicks, I am just going to give my opinions.

Wow. As always, your creativity, writing style shines through.

1) Charlie sounds like a girl. I have never met a dude that sounded like that.
2) you say damn waayyy to much. In the beginning its in every other sentence.
3) YOU HAVE ME ON MY KNEES! Is the girl dead *raises eyebrows*
4) Austin is drunk, drunk drunk. Maybe a little more drunkeness through out? because 4 cans a beer is going to effect them. Stumbling around, singing songs the usaul drunk stuff. Google it.
5) We need to know how Charlie feels. You talk about it a little, but I need more.

Overall:
Loved it.

~pointe
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame
  





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Mon Jan 31, 2011 5:33 pm
Dokidokirin says...



Ah, curses! That cliff hanger!

This is really amazing, and I see it's gotten a lot of responses so to be brief: My only beef with this is that the first half gets a little tiring after a while. Yes, we see this boy's life is hard and that his father is a drunk. Already our imaginations are doing work for us as we read; what kind of childhood he must have had, how junky the house might be, his misery, etc. But some of the paragraphs seem to drag a little about the whole situation. On a few occasions it felt as if "Wait, I think I just read this same thing, but worded a little differently." So maybe a little snipping here and there, and it makes for really great reading. It definitely hooks interest right off the bat, and I can't wait to read more. :)
I can take criticism! The more help you can give someone, the better.
  








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