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A Criminal's Heart - Ch-1(Olivia)



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Thu Apr 01, 2010 11:59 am
MiaParamore says...



Thanks again L5na2.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Thu Apr 01, 2010 2:53 pm
curiousvampire says...



Okay I've read the prologue which was solid beginning, leaving me wanting more. This chapter was a great foundation, supporting the prologue. The structure and descriptions were carefully planned out and it flowed excellently together. Now most of your mistakes have been cleared up and edited I'm sure so there weren't anything really grammatically or spelling errors to correct, except for these little screw ups:

Instead of writing 'a disaster', they just had to put 'a marvel' in its place. But somewhere in the bottom of my heart, I knew that there werewas going to be someone who would take the path of truth.

It was astonishing astonished me that how could some people could have the courage to act fake [b]even in real life. She was no good at'real'life, but if you ask me she was superb in real life in acting terms.She said it was a necessity if she wanted to remain in the glamour world. She was someone who was always noticed, even in the biggest of crowds. I was not one of those people and that's maybe maybe that's the reason I was far behind in this rat race.

"Are you coming or will I have to watch your show alone?"


Okay that's all the mistakes that bugged. On to chapter two! :D
"I became insane,with long intervals of horrible insanity."

"Their ideology is that human nature is fundamentally evil.In other words, humans are evil from the day they are born."

"Human is beatiful. Perfect is boring."
  





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Thu Apr 01, 2010 3:28 pm
MiaParamore says...



Thnakj you. I will PM you with future editions.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Sat Apr 03, 2010 5:51 am
napalmerski says...



Amanda smiled her counterfeited glee as usual - I understand where you're going, but I think it should either be 'smiled with her' or 'gave her counterfeit smile'

giving the girl a sweet little hug making sure the poor fellow felt more joyful. - this is the first time I've seen a girl being called a fellow. I thought only males are fellows.


More the girl(or any of her fans) was joyful because of her, more publicity it meant
- I think two 'the' are missing here. Is that conscious stylistic decision? It's a bit weird like that:)

Everything she did from visiting old age home to playing with a girl was a publicity gimmick. - here the protagonist is beginning to sound like this is all a surprise to her. She is, after all, the manager. The manager organizes or co-organizes all this. Perhaps you should add that, to evade misunderstanding, something like 'I should know. I was her manager after all. I was the one to choose the old people's homes...'

After all, the producer had paid them a heavy amount for mingling a little bit with words - hihi, mingling with words means something like cutting out words and filling a bathtub with them and then jumping into them and mingling with them. And again, I think that not the producer, but the manager would pay them, and not a 'heavy amount', but a 'hefty sum'.

It was astonishing me that how could some people have the courage to act fake in real life. - this sentence is a bit too passive. How about modifying it like 'she kept astonishing me with her...' or 'after all that time, I was still astonished how she...'. Note, she is fixated on Amanda, so it's not 'some people', it's Amanda. And since we are all fake more or less in real life, perhaps you should build it up, like 'so fake', or 'so totally fake'.

Right, then follows a moment in which a rather naive conversation takes place, I'll skip over that.

I knew she was disgusted from my behaviour but however joined me inside - here, the 'from' should be 'by' or 'with', and 'inside' is not needed.

The most successful producers, directors, actors and actresses were assembled here to celebrate the success of ‘Harry Knows Dancing’ on the invitation of its producer, Tony Brennan. Nobody here cared for the success except for its cast and crew, but had merely come to enjoy the food at La Dakota
. - ah, the cream of the industry is here. Not paupers. They are not here just to enjoy the food. Almost no one is. They are here to mingle, to gossip, the fading stars try to remind the rest that they still exist, the rising stars try to rub shoulders with important people.

The big hall comprised of some eminent personalities including Josh Burton who was my target. One film under his assistance and then no one could stop me from becoming next Hepburn. The director was standing in a corner talking to some very important person it seemed. - this is the perfect place for a description attack. Otherwise we are only left with the thoughts and emotions of the killer-to-be. Insert some details to make us relax, really imagine the scene and want more. Describe the big hall, one-or two personalities. Describe Josh Burton, and the man he is talking to. The whole scene will come to life. You don't have to be detailed. Just a word here, a sentence there, can be more then enough.
Note: the big hall is comprised of mortar and concrete. The crowd inside the hall is comprised of some eminent personalities...
Note 2: the film is not under his assistance, but under his direction

This was something Amanda had forced me to do so she could show everyone how generous she was - here the meaning is a bit vague. Perhaps you should be more precise and say 'forced me to behave.' And if you use the word 'force' then you are obliged to explain how exactly she 'forces' her. Or, you could say something about unspoken rules, implied stuff. But, in the end, they are an actress and a manager. A manager would never stand for this, unless she is being held by blackmail, or by sex with the actress or something.

OK, this is as far as I go. I now have to concentrate on other things. This is a good story, TV film thriller type, the characters and the conflict are promising. Wording is shaky here and there, descriptions should be added in the relevant scenes to make them come to life, and the bursts of naivete... I guess only age and experience will cure that:)
Good luck with writing.
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness.
Robert Howard
  





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Sat Apr 03, 2010 8:12 am
MiaParamore says...



Thanks Napalmerski......This would help a lot..
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Sat Apr 03, 2010 9:49 am
BenFranks says...



Hey there Shubhi! I'm sorry if this is short, but I'll give you my feedback anyway.

I thought this was good, mostly because we're constantly being placed in the character's shoes but sometimes I do feel like I'm being thrown about in the narration a bit. The link from paragraph to paragraph can sometimes be a bit jumpy and I think to improve the fluency there needs to be more of a focus. I think you can get that if you sort of dwell more on a situation but try not to make it too much of a freezeframe either.

Like another reviewer mentioned, most nitpicks in terms of how sentences are structured, spelling and grammar accuracy occured nearer the start and i think this is because the ideas were just rushing through your head and you wrote without thinking all that much, this is fine, but perhaps a bit more of a revision of that will be good.

In terms of your dialogue, I found that in some places it was very good, but in other places it was a bit too wooden, especially some of the first person thoughts as well, which seemed a bit sketchy at times. However, this can easily be improved, you just need to be a bit more free with your writing, perhaps the idea of dwelling on a piece of the narrative for longer might allow a little more break of dialogue to make it all seem a bit more natural.

Overall I think both plot and character thrive here, just be sure to take in a few of my points and then I think this will be a real gem of a piece!

Hope this helps and keep up the good writing,
Ben
  





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Sat Apr 03, 2010 10:24 am
MiaParamore says...



Thnak you a lot Ben.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Sat Apr 03, 2010 4:43 pm
Writersdomain says...



Hey there Shubhi! Tis WD! So, this first chapter was a lot easier to read than your prologue--I quite like a lot of the detail you've put into this. There were moments where you put just the right details in there to make the setting glow and the characters thrive. I found that very impressive--great job! I think others here have touched on sentence structure and some grammar issues, so I won't repeat what has been said, but I'd just like to talk about some characterization things that I think you can improve up on in this.

First of all, I'd like to agree that some of your dialogue sounded very stiff. A few places where this especially stuck out to me:

“Ha! Stupid urchins! They believe they can touch me and I like it,” she referred to the little girl after turning around.


This line is very, very strange.

That section and the conversation with Josh--the conversation with Josh may be a result of there not being much body language to support the dialogue, but it all seemed very stiff and unrealistic. I know you're trying to recreate some of the cheesy/sort of stiff dialogue that often goes on in the public sphere, but I feel like it's going over the top in places. But, on to body language.

I mentioned that the conversation with Josh didn't have the body language to back up the dialogue. This is part of the overall issue I had with characterization here. I feel like your narrative voice and the dialogue are telling me a lot, and those are going pretty well aside from the dialogue thing, but these things are telling me the emotions of your characters more than letting me feel it. For instance, in the Josh conversation, Josh has dialogue reactions but I don't get a clear sense of his personality, whether he's honestly surprised that he missed Amanda or whether he's just leading her to that conclusion. These are characterization details that will make the situations and conflict in this story a lot stronger.

Also, regarding your narrative voice. Your narrator tells us a lot about her feelings, and she is a narrator, so she is allowed to do that to an extent, but I feel like her narration is too heavy on the telling side and too light on the actual feeling side. For instance:

Amanda walked the red carpet with as much elegance as she always did, waving and passing flying kisses to her stupid fans. I was all the time behind her, chasing her like a dog. I hated doing this for it reminded me of my failure every day and night. I detested being her manager, the person who she could insult and curse anywhere, in front of anyone. This night was no different but there was one difference. It was going to be her last insult for me because she wasn’t going to survive to witness another sunrise


Your narrator tells me about her relationship with Amada--I get scarce little feeling of the actual dynamnics. Don't be afraid to let your narrator feel. Instead of making general statements like how she detests being manager, show that in their conversations, give your narrator some body language, some nasty looks Amanda's way, some sickening feeling when she watches Amanda acting. Give her the visceral feelings, thoughts and interactions to back up the things she says. Try cutting down on those overarching statements and taking the body language up a notch, and I think your characters will shine a lot more than they are now. :wink:

Lastly, I want to address the first paragraph. I really don't think you need it, the way it is right now. Right now it just seems like your narrator is ranting about the prologue and introducing herself as narrator, but she talks so much about it and tells us so much about why she's writing this that it really detracts from her appeal as a character. No reader wants the narrator to come out and honestly explain in one long paragraph entirely why and to what entire effect they are writing the story. I don't think having a first paragraph that introduces the narrator is bad necessarily; I think it can be done well. But don't give so much away! Your narrator is a character--let her say what she wants to say, lie if she wants to. Let her introduce the story however she wants--right now it feels like you as the writer are taking too much of a hand in her narration and making her state her purpose. Just try to let her talk, if you're going to introduce her. As I said, I think cutting it would be fine too, but if you feel like you need to introduce the narrator, we can't have her giving that much away.

So, work on the body language and feeling in this. Keep an eye on that dialogue and think about that first paragraph. This was a nice start! I'm excited to see where this is going and your writing is definitely improving! Great job and keep writing! Please PM me if you have any questions!
~ WD
If you desire a review from WD, post here

"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas
  





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Wed Apr 07, 2010 12:37 am
Maddy says...



Hey Shubi, It's Madz, and I will review this.
The colour-code:
Red: You should remove
Blue: I have added
Yellow: I have replace the previous word with this new word.
Green: My personal suggestions.

I have finally killed Amanda Bailey.
[new line]
I finally did it. It was tough[,] but somehow I managed it. I had to; nothing in the life comes easily. While I mention all this, I can also enjoy the pleasure of seeing her dead body stretched out in front of me. Silent; unlike [the living] Amanda.
[new paragraph]
You [probably] would be thinking why I am writing this all here. I want to describe everything live. Many of you, who would be reading this later, might find me a selfish and cruel friend. But let me clear up this. before, I did this for the welfare of all Americans. Had I left her alive, she would have continued acting, which I need not tell how pathetic is, disturbing the common man. Yes, she was a bad actress, the worst among worse. She tortured me. which Best friends don't cause suffering. and she stole my chance. I [had had – past tense] enough of her.
Not a single soul knew about my idea because even I didn’t know this. [Not needed.]


I'm not going to go any further- I'll send you a message with the rest of my corrections. You have obviously not proof-read this. It's extremely hard to read. Go to topic19432.html
The lack of commas stops the flow of the story- go to this post: topic19162.html
and this post:
topic43660.html
I do like the story idea, but your grammar really affects your story communication.
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
-"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

This awesome post bought to you by me. :)
  





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Wed Apr 07, 2010 6:37 pm
MiaParamore says...



Thanks a lot for all reviews.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Fri Apr 09, 2010 3:17 am
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



Here's my two cents, thanks for listening :)

You did a good job on this, the only problem I had was that I didn’t really connect with your characters. I didn’t find any of them likable, even your main. I understand that she’s been so close to the spotlight all her life, and when she was going to get her share of it, it was taken away and she snapped. But it seemed as she was telling the story, she despised the world of fame, with its material world and fake, fancy smiles. Why did she want so badly to become a part of that? It didn’t really make much sense to me.

But that was the only major issue I had with this. It would be interesting to see how your character changes now that her only ‘friend’ is out of the picture.
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk
  





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Sun Apr 11, 2010 7:40 am
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RayquazaKid says...



Hey there, here on request. :)

Ima have to say this right now, I liked this much better than the prologue (though that's normally the case). But really, the murder has a deep back story behind it, and I can see why Olivia chose to do it. What really got me was how cool and collected Olivia was when she did the deed, and of course the deed was pre-meditated so that's natural.

On to the dirty stuff.

Many of you, who would be reading this later, might find me a selfish and cruel friend.

With the the general feeling of this paragraph, I think "who will be reading" would work better.
But let me clear up this before, I did this for the welfare of all Americans.

The wording of the first part of the sentence is off. I don't know what you really intended with this so I cannot offer a suggestion. Consider revising.
Had I left her alive, she would have continued acting, which I need not tell how pathetic is, disturbing the common man.

"how pathetic she is" you missed a word.
Yes, she was a bad actress, the worst among worse
wouldn't "the worst among the worst" work better? This is also a case of switching tenses mid-sentence.
I knew she was disgusted with my behaviour but however joined me inside.[./i] 
[i]“Miss Bailey, you were fantastic! I think you are the next Audrey Hepburn,” Mr. Stephenson Cripps remarked as Amanda joined them for dinner at one of the best hotels in Los Angeles. 

Just wanted to point this out. The italics are messed up here.
e most successful producers, directors, actors and actresses were assembled here to celebrate the success of ‘Harry Knows Dancing’ on the invitation of its producer, Tony Brennan.
Usually the names of movies and books are italicized, not underlined.
The crowd comprised of some eminent personalities including Josh Burton who was my target.

This seems run-off sentence-ish. Perhaps... "The crowd comprised of some eminent personalities, including Josh Burton; my target."
Josh was standing in a corner talking to some very important person it seemed. josh was around late thirties and had jet black hair.
Wording at end is bad. "Josh was standing in a corner talking to what seemed like a very important person." Also, capitalization at the beginning of the second sentence.
Up till now he had directed forty two film out of which only four failed to rock he box-office.

Ugh. "Up 'til now, he had directed forty-two films, out of which only four had failed to rock the box-office."
I knew my life was going to change tonight; I had some intuition for this change.
A little redundant, don't you think?

I think you should look a little at sentence structure. Some sentences need commas, others need to be reworded. There are some you could try to combine. In short, I highly encourage you to play around with these things, they will helps a lot.

I don't have enough time to get every little thing, and it might be better if you can seek them out on your own. It might help a ton. ;)

I loved the chapter though. Amanda sounds like a class-A b****, though Olivia is also guilty of this to a certain degrees. That's what I like about these characters. They are dark and edgy, and at the same time they are kind and generous (which is a lie). Awesome. Can't wait to read the next chapter. :)
Call me RK :)
  





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Sun Apr 11, 2010 8:22 am
MiaParamore says...



Thanks a lot RayquazaKid or RK. :D
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Sun Apr 11, 2010 12:52 pm
Sins says...



Hey again :D

I've got to say, I liked this even more than the prologue! If the next chapter is even better than this, then I can't wait to read it!
Now, onto the main nit-picks.

OLIVIA (Chapter-1}

25th June, 2009
11:00 PM

I have finally killed Amanda Bailey. I finally did it. It was tough but somehow I (Swap the I and the somehow) managed it. I had to; nothing in the life comes easily. While I mention all this, I can also enjoy the pleasure of seeing her dead body stretched out in front of me. Silent; unlike Amanda. You would be thinking why I am writing this all here. I want to describe everything live. Many of you, who would be reading this later, might find me a selfish and cruel friend. But let me clear up this before, I did this for the welfare of all Americans. Had I left her alive, she would have continued acting, which I need not tell how pathetic is, disturbing the common man. Yes, she was a bad actress, the worst among worse. She tortured me which best friends don't do and she stole my chance. I have had enough of her.
(I love this first paragraph! It shows how insane Olivia actually is and how normal she thinks what she's doing is.)
Not a single soul knew about my idea because even I didn’t know this.


It was the premiere of her latest film,'Harry Knows Dancing’ and the crowd was uncontrollable.Need a space here :wink: Amanda Bailey was starring opposite James Garner for the first time. You know what happens when the most successful stars come together; lightning sparks.
Amanda walked the red carpet with as much elegance as she always did, waving and passing flying kisses to her stupid fans. I was all the time behind her, (Rephrase this to something like, While I just followed behind,) chasing her like a dog. I hated doing this for it reminded me of my failure every day and night. I detested being her manager, the person who she could insult and curse anywhere, in front of anyone. This night was no different but there was one difference. It was going to be her last insult for me because she wasn’t going to survive to witness another sunrise.

“I am please to meet you, little angel,” she waved her hand on the head of a little female fan of hers.
“You are so kind, Miss Bailey. Momma said you won’t sign my autograph book tonight. Look momma, you were wrong!” The little girl jumped in excitement flying her little autograph book in air showing it to her mom who was standing close to her.
“Yes dear. She just signed it,” the proud mother clapped for her little angel.
“I am glad that I could bring a smile to someone’s face,” Amanda smiled her counterfeited glee as usual. She rolled the Parker pen in her freshly manicured hands, giving the girl a sweet little hug making sure the poor fellow felt more joyful. More the girl(or any of her fans) was (were) joyful because of her, more publicity it meant. Everything she did from visiting old age home to playing with a girl was a publicity gimmick. I can't fully blame her. After all, I helped her do this. I was equally responsible.
Amanda was studded with diamonds, a girl’s best friend according to some. Her hands were holding one of the most precious handbag ever made by Chanel while her dress came from John Galliano’s own boutique in Paris. The electric blue dress might have been a disaster but the media was going to report something else. After all, the producer had paid them an hefty amount for mingling a little bit with words. Instead of writing ‘a disaster’ they just had to put ‘a marvel’ in its place. But somewhere in the bottom of my heart, I knew that there was going to be someone who would take the path of truth.
“Ha! Stupid urchins! They believe they can touch me and I like it,” she referred to the little girl after turning around. I turned my attention towards her. It was astonishing me that how could some people have the courage to act fake in real life. She was no good at ‘reeal’ life but if you ask me, she was superb in real life in terms of acting. She said it was a necessity if she wanted to remain in this glamour world. She was someone who was noticed even in the biggest crowd. I was not that someone and that’s maybe the reason I was far behind her in this rat race.
“But you just gave the little girl a hug. What was that?” I asked in surprise mixed with a teaspoon of disgust. (I loved this metaphor!)
She laughed hysterically looking at the starry sky and whispered,“Are you an idiot? That’s publicity my dear. Fame and money is not so easy to get.”
I sighed and started walking ahead which definitely raised her anger thermometer.
“Are you coming or will I have to watch your show alone?” I asked her.
I knew she was disgusted with my behaviour but however joined me inside.[./i]

“Miss Bailey, you were fantastic! I think you are the next Audrey Hepburn,” Mr. Stephenson Cripps remarked as Amanda joined them for dinner at one of the best hotels in Los Angeles.
The most successful producers, directors, actors and actresses were assembled here to celebrate the success of ‘Harry Knows Dancing’ on the invitation of its producer, Tony Brennan. Nobody here cared for the success except for its cast and crew, but had merely come to enjoy the food at La Dakota. To become a spotlight and new stars merely came to rub shoulders with important people.
“Thank you Mr. Cripps for this sweet comment. It is such an honor to be compared with legendary Hepburn. I feel obliged, I really do,” Amanda said to the director.
“I have some problem here. I think what Mr. Cripps said was half wrong. Amanda has already become today’s Audrey Hepburn,” Tony Brennan cheered her.
The crowd comprised of some eminent personalities including Josh Burton who was my target. One film under his direction and then no one could stop me from becoming next Hepburn. Josh was standing in a corner talking to some very important person it seemed. jJosh was around his late thirties and had jet black hair. Up till now he had directed forty two films out of which only four failed to rock he box-office. the man he was talking to was not known to me. they were laughing loudly and shaking their wine glasses.Space hereI hoped he was talking to a producer; I thought and prayed at the same time.
I knew my life was going to change tonight; I had some intuition for this change. I kept thinking the whole time that the change was going to be a film offered to me but, I was wrong. I was going to become a criminal tonight just because of that Amanda.
“Come join us, Olivia,” Amanda said gesturing me to sit next to Luke Bryant, the famous actor.
“Me? Do you want me to join you all? It’s so sweet of you,” I said but nothing came from my heart. This was something Amanda had forced me to say so she could show everyone how generous she was. She never wanted me to join her in this high society because somewhere I was inferior to these artificial people and their fake but fancy life.
Amanda nodded and I sat next to Luke. He looked at me and passed a warm smile. He was known in the industry for his geniality, acting skills and looks. When you have a combination of all three, you are ordained to rock on screen.
“She is my manager and best friend, Olivia Hurley. We have been friends since we were like..eight. I don’t know how would I survive even one day without her. She does all menial tasks for me and takes the headache of fixing the meetings with producers and directors. She controls my schedule. And don’t forget the yummy pancakes she makes with my dinner every night,” Amanda introduced me. She was right. I had to do al thel (all of the) menial tasks for her. I was supposed to take care of her routine, diet and PR but I got nothing in return except for that flat in Oakwood Heights which was the only beauty in my life.
“That’s enough I think. Don’t make me sound like a goddess when you are one,” I smiled making everyone roar into laughter.
“Is that what you do for a living?” Melissa asked me. She was a B-grade actress and was known to make repulsive speech in media.
“Precisely. She is the best boss ever,” I replied. I believe I had pleased Amanda with all the fake but lovely things I had said about her.
I turned back to find that Josh Burton was making a beeline towards us. My heart and pulse rate began to shoot up. Is he coming to discuss the new project? I wondered.
“Good evening Amanda. This was your best performance ever,” he said as he pecked her hand.
“Hey Josh, thank you. It’s not often one hears praises from Josh,” she smiled. Josh gave us all a grin and sat on a vacant chair next to Melissa. Melissa and Josh began talking about something while Amanda got busy with Matt. Everyone had someone to talk to because they all had some work or duty which needed to be completed. My life was restricted to Amanda and her housecleaning so I never really had any topic to discuss. Besides, none of them who were seated on this important table would have liked to talk to me, a mere servant. I was nothing more than a servant, just like her Chihuahua who was expected to go wherever she went and agree with her all the time.

I was desperately waiting for Josh to tell something about his movie which would remind Amanda of her promise. She had given me her word about talking to Josh, about a role in his upcoming film; she had guaranteed to get me the lead.
“I have something to announce. Mr. Tyler has agreed to finance my next project. I just have one problem now,” Josh said.
No one seemed to care about it except for the actresses. Everyone knew that his film would be entered around the heroine and anyone who got this role was going to become a superstar overnight. Remember, there are many comets, few stars and only one superstar in the film trade. (I loved this!) And as for now, Amanda was that one superstar but it was poised for a change.
“A heroine? Is that your problem?” Amanda asked.
“You guessed it. I am looking for some fresh face. But this one should have talent too. Not any pretty face would do,” Josh made himself clear and looked at me. It was not that I was in his mind. No one present here knew that I was also an actress because Amanda never let them know. She knew that I could be a danger to her smooth career.
“Why do you want a newcomer? We have lots of established faces which people would be delighted to see. We don’t one more actress to add to this rat race. Do we?” Amanda claimed surprising me. She was double- crossing me. I just wanted to burst out in tears but I had to control my feelings. I knew that she was selfish and proud but I didn’t know she was a liar and a promise-breaker. She had broken my trust and heart forever.“And who is better than our own Amanda? I think she is the best option,” Stephenson recommended.

Amanda pretended to be honored and shy at this proposal. She was eyeing (This word seems rather unsuitable. Maybe craving the role?) for this role ever since but I didn’t know that. I was such a fool to believe that she would let me come in her profession. She was just showing me a lolly-pop and making me dream of things which I would never have.
“Why didn’t I think of this before? The girl is sitting right in front of me. My search ends here, Amanda. You are my next heroine,” Josh started jumping with excitement literally.
I was torn apart by my best friend. She treated me badly sometimes but we were still best friends. I shared every secret with her although she showed no interesting in them and she did the same. I had helped her in taking some important decisions of her life. How could she betray me? I had made up my mind to quit the job and tell her about it the same night. But then came another idea to my brilliant mind. Why not end her story? In this movie of life, I was going to be the story writer, the director and the actor at the same time showing her my real talent. I wasn’t just meant to cut onions in her kitchen or tie her laces and I was going to prove that even if that meant……………….. Dom... dom... dooom! :lol:


The whistling of the wind brought me back from this flash back. It seemed like someone had pushed me into the memory lake but I had to come out of it or else I would be pushing myself in grave danger. Another minute at Amanda’s house could have proved lethal. I stood up from the Parisian sofa. I was in the upper section of the house right close to Amanda’s bedroom. Her body was in front of me, devoid of any motion or expression, soaked in blood. Her beautiful Victoria’s Secret mauve nightgown now looked crimson with blood. I cleaned the Korth revolver and kept it in my handbag. I had bought this revolver a long time ago after coming to L.A because I was going to be alone here and this place is really not safe. But it was now that it had come to a good use.
“I told you that you are no good. I am more talented, powerful and smart than you,” I was talking to the dead Amanda. But there was no reply in protest of my comment because dead can’t speak. (I love how creepy and chilling this part is) The place was dark except for the light provided by moon which made its way through the glass window, lighting up my face. The night looked beautiful and pleasant even more than it was as I had a beautiful reason to cheer me up. Dead Amanda. I jumped over her body and started climbing down the stairs while trying to make minimal noise. Tonight the spiral staircase seemed never-ending. I heard the clouds thunder and the rain started pouring. Well great, another boulder to my problem, I thought. One can’t drive properly during rainfall and the rains had always panicked me. I don’t know why but the rains seemed like a torture.
It was raining when I first met Amanda thirteen years ago in a small park in Texas, our hometown. I would never forget that day and this one too.
I silently made a beeline towards the back door and got out through it. It seemed that all the trees and decoration pieces had become witnesses of my crime. I shuddered back as I saw a big tree thinking of it to be a police officer. I was scared very much but that was nothing in front of my new found happiness.
The wet mud made walking even more difficult and a torture for my sprained ankle. While fighting with Amanda I had received this sprain. I should have gone straightaway to a doctor but any risk wasn’t on my list now. My one mistake could end me up behind the bars. No I couldn’t afford it. I will find some other treatment at home only, I thought to myself while walking down the path. My car was parked right there, close to Amanda’s backyard. The area at the backside of her house was under construction and no one lived there so my car was safe there and so was I.

I was there in my Toyota Prius smoking the last cigarette left in my pocket. As I blew in and out the air I began wondering about the future. Now that I had killed Amanda, my biggest hurdle, what was there I could do. Start looking for some decent roles? That was not my idea. I had waited for years to do something big and now I wasn’t going to start all this again. Now I couldn’t wait to get a big role. Not any role would do now. I should go to Josh and talk about the role. But if I talked about my role now he would become suspicious. I was Amanda’s best friend and I had to mourn so as to look sad for her demise. The series of these thoughts seemed never ending. I heard a horn, probably coming from behind and a moment later a light flashed in my eyes. Who is this person? I thought. I was in big-time trouble. I must rush, I told myself.


Overall, I really liked this! There were a few grammar errors, but everyone else has more or less pointed them out. I like how you let us get to know Amanda, I'm actually on Olivia's side now! :lol: That's probably a bad thing... I shouldn't like murderers!

Like I said for the prolouge, jus read over your work and look at what us reviewers have said. I'm really looking forward to see where this is going! And Josh seems pretty darn hot as well! :wink:

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
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Sun Apr 11, 2010 11:46 pm
whatevr says...



Here on request, Shubhi!

I have finally killed Amanda Bailey. No need for repetition, dear :) It was tough but I somehow managed it. I had to; nothing in the life comes easily. While I mention all this, I can also enjoy the pleasure of seeing her dead body stretched out in front of me. Silent; unlike Amanda. You would be thinking why I am writing this all here. I want to describe everything live. Many of you, who will be reading this later, might find me a selfish and cruel friend. But let me clear up this before, I did this for the welfare of all Americans. Had I left her alive, she would have continued acting, which I need not tell how pathetic that is, disturbing the common man. Yes, she was a bad actress, the worst among worst. In the prologue you said you taught her acting, and now you are saying she sucks... can you see the problem? She tortured me which best friends don't do and she stole my chance. I just had had enough of her.
Not a single soul knew about my idea because even I didn’t know I was going to do this


It was the premiere of her latest film,'Harry Knows Dancing’ and the crowd was uncontrollable. Amanda Bailey was starring opposite James Garner for the first time. You know what happens when the most successful stars come together; lightning sparks.
Amanda walked the red carpet with as much elegance as she always did, waving and passing flying kisses to her stupid fans. I was all the time behind her, chasing her like a dog. I hated doing this for it reminded me of my failure every day and night. I detested being her manager, the person who she could insult and curse anywhere, in front of anyone. This night was no different but there was one difference. It was going to be her last insult for me because she wasn’t going to survive to witness another sunrise.

“I am please to meet you, little angel,” she waved her hand on the head of a little female fan of hers.
“You are so kind, Miss Bailey. Momma said you won’t sign my autograph book tonight. Look momma, you were wrong!” The little girl jumped in excitement flying her little autograph book in air showing it to her mom who was standing close to her.
“Yes dear. She just signed it,” the proud mother clapped for her little angel.Wouldn't it be funnier if the mom didn't meally care? Hmm...
“I am glad that I could bring a smile to someone’s face,” Amanda smiled her counterfeited glee, as usual. She rolled the Parker pen in her freshly manicured hands, giving the girl a sweet little hug making sure the poor girl felt more joyful. The more the girl (or any of her fans) was joyful because of her, the more publicity it meant. Everything she did from visiting old age home to playing with a girl was a publicity gimmick. I can't fully blame her. After all, I helped her do this. I was equally responsible.
Amanda was studded with diamonds, a girl’s best friend according to some. Her hands were holding one of the most precious handbags ever made by Chanel while her dress came from John Galliano’s own boutique in Paris. The electric blue dress might have been a disaster but the media was going to report it as something else. After all, the producer had paid them an hefty amount for mingling a little bit with words. Instead of writing ‘a disaster’ they just had to put ‘a marvel’ in its place. But somewhere in the bottom of my heart, I knew that there was going to be someone who would take the path of truth. Unless this is going to happen, delete it.
“Ha! Stupid urchins! They believe they can touch me and I like it,” she referred to the little girl after turning around. I turned my attention towards her. It was astonishing to me how some people have the courage to act fake in real life. She was no good at ‘reel’ life but if you ask me, she was superb in real life in terms of acting. That sentence is kind of awkward, look over it and read it aloud. She said it was a necessity if she wanted to remain in this glamour world. She was someone who was noticed even in the biggest crowd. I was not that someone and that’s maybe the reason I was far behind her in this rat race.
“But you just gave the little girl a hug. What was that?” I asked in surprise mixed with a teaspoon of disgust.
She laughed hysterically looking at the starry sky and whispered,“Are you an idiot? That’s publicity my dear. Fame and money is not so easy to get.”
I sighed and started walking ahead which definitely raised her anger thermometer.
“Are you coming or will I have to watch your show alone?” I asked her.
I knew she was disgusted with my behaviour but however joined me inside.

“Miss Bailey, you were fantastic! I think you are the next Audrey Hepburn,” Mr. Stephenson Cripps remarked as Amanda joined them for dinner at one of the best hotels in Los Angeles.
The most successful producers, directors, actors and actresses were assembled here to celebrate the success of ‘Harry Knows Dancing’ This was underlined before, in books you don't often see things underlined. on the invitation of its producer, Tony Brennan. Nobody here cared for the success, except for its cast and crew, but had merely come to enjoy the food at La Dakota. To become a spotlight and new stars merely came to rub shoulders with important people. This sentence doesn't make sense to me.
“Thank you Mr. Cripps for this sweet comment. It is such an honor to be compared with legendary Hepburn. I feel obliged, I really do,” Amanda said to the director.
“I have a problem here. I think what Mr. Cripps said was half wrong. Amanda has already become today’s Audrey Hepburn,” Tony Brennan cheered her.
The crowd comprised of some eminent personalities including Josh Burton; my target. One film under his direction and then no one could stop me from becoming next Hepburn. Josh was standing in a corner talking to some very important person it seemed. Josh was in his thirties and had jet black hair. Till now he has directed forty two films out of which only four failed to rock he box-office. The man he was talking to was not known to me. They were laughing loudly and shaking their wine glasses. I hoped he was talking to a producer; I thought and prayed at the same time.
I knew my life was going to change tonight; I had some intuition for this change. I kept thinking the whole time that the change was going to be a film offered to me but I was wrong. I was going to become a criminal tonight just because of that Amanda.
“Come join us, Olivia,” Amanda said gesturing me to sit next to Luke Bryant, the famous actor.
“Me? Do you want me to join you all? It’s so sweet of you,” I said, but nothing came from my heart. This was something Amanda had forced me to say so she could show everyone how generous she was. She never wanted me to join her in this high society, because somehow I was inferior to these artificial people and their fake but fancy life.
Amanda nodded and I sat next to Luke. He looked at me and passed a warm smile. He was known in the industry for his geniality, acting skills and looks. When you have a combination of all three, you are ordained to rock on screen.
“She is my manager and best friend, Olivia Hurley. We have been friends since we were like..eight. I don’t know how would I survive even one day without her. She does all menial tasks for me and takes the headache of fixing the meetings with producers and directors. She controls my schedule. And don’t forget the yummy pancakes she makes with my dinner every night,” Amanda introduced me. She was right. I had to do all of the menial tasks for her. I was supposed to take care of her routine, diet and PR but I got nothing in return, except for that flat in Oakwood Heights which was the only beauty in my life.
“That’s enough I think. Don’t make me sound like a goddess when you are one,” I smiled making everyone roar into laughter.
“Is that what you do for a living?” Melissa asked me. She was a B-grade actress and was known to make repulsive speech in media.
“Precisely. She is the best boss ever,” I replied. I believe I had pleased Amanda with all the fake but lovely things I had said about her.
I turned back to find that Josh Burton was making a beeline towards us. My heart and pulse rate began to shoot up. Is he coming to discuss the new project? I wondered.
“Good evening Amanda. This was your best performance ever,” he said as he pecked her hand.
“Hey Josh, thank you. It’s not often one hears praises from Josh,” she smiled. Josh gave us all a grin and sat on a vacant chair next to Melissa. Melissa and Josh began talking about something while Amanda got busy with Matt. Everyone had someone to talk to because they all had some work or duty which needed to be completed. My life was restricted to Amanda and her housecleaning so I never really had any topic to discuss. Besides, none of them who were seated on this important table would have liked to talk to me, a mere servant. I was nothing more than a servant, just like her Chihuahua who was expected to go wherever she went and agree with her all the time.

I was desperately waiting for Josh to tell something about his movie which would remind Amanda of her promise. She had given me her word about talking to Josh about a role in his upcoming film; she had guaranteed to get me the lead.
“I have something to announce. Mr. Tyler has agreed to finance my next project. I just have one problem now,” Josh said.
No one seemed to care about it except for the actresses. Everyone knew that his film would be entered around the heroine and anyone who got this role was going to become a superstar overnight. Remember, there are many comets, few stars and only one superstar in the film trade. And as for now, Amanda was that one superstar but it was poised for a change.
“A heroine? Is that your problem?” Amanda asked.
“You guessed it. I am looking for some fresh face. But this one should have talent too. Not any pretty face would do,” Josh made himself clear and looked at me. It was not that I was in his mind. No one present here knew that I was also an actress because Amanda never let them know. She knew that I could be a danger to her smooth career.
“Why do you want a newcomer? We have lots of established faces which people would be delighted to see. We don’t one more actress to add to this rat race. Do we?” Amanda claimed surprising me. She was double- crossing me. I just wanted to burst out in tears but I had to control my feelings. I knew that she was selfish and proud but I didn’t know she was a liar and a promise-breaker. She had broken my trust and heart forever.“And who is better than our own Amanda? I think she is the best option,” Stephenson recommended.
Amanda pretended to be honored and shy at this proposal. She was eyeing for this role ever since but I didn’t know that. Yet aain, this doesn't make much sense. I was such a fool to believe that she would let me come in her profession. She was just showing me a lolly-pop and making me dream of things which I would never have.
“Why didn’t I think of this before? The girl is sitting right in front of me. My search ends here, Amanda. You are my next heroine,” Josh started jumping with excitement literally.
I was torn apart by my best friend. She treated me badly sometimes but we were still best friends. I shared every secret with her although she showed no interest in them and she did the same. I had helped her in taking some important decisions of her life. How could she betray me? I had made up my mind to quit the job and tell her about it the same night. But then came another idea to my brilliant mind. Why not end her story? In this movie of life, I was going to be the story writer, the director and the actor at the same time showing her my real talent. I wasn’t just meant to cut onions in her kitchen or tie her laces and I was going to prove that even if that meant...
I don't see why you needed so many periods there :)


The whistling of the wind brought me back from this flash back. It seemed like someone had pushed me into the memory lake but I had to come out of it or else I would be pushing myself in grave danger. Another minute at Amanda’s house could have proved lethal. I stood up from the Parisian sofa. I was in the upper section of the house right close to Amanda’s bedroom. Her body was in front of me, devoid of any motion or expression, soaked in blood. Her beautiful Victoria’s Secret mauve nightgown now looked crimson with blood. I cleaned the Korth revolver and kept it in my handbag. I had bought this revolver a long time ago after coming to L.A because I was going to be alone here and this place is really not safe. But it was now that it had come to a good use.
“I told you that you are no good. I am more talented, powerful and smarter than you,” I was talking to the dead Amanda. But there was no reply in protest of my comment because dead can’t speak. The place was dark except for the light provided by moon which made its way through the glass window, lighting up my face. The night looked beautiful and pleasant even more than it was as I had a beautiful reason to cheer me up. Dead Amanda. I jumped over her body and started climbing down the stairs while trying to make minimal noise. Tonight the spiral staircase seemed never-ending. I heard the clouds thunder and the rain started pouring. Well great, another boulder to my problem, I thought. One can’t drive properly during rainfall and the rains had always panicked me. I don’t know why but the rains seemed like a torture.
It was raining when I first met Amanda thirteen years ago in a small park in Texas, our hometown. I would never forget that day and this one too.
I silently made a beeline towards the back door and got out through it. It seemed that all the trees and decoration pieces had become witnesses of my crime. I shuddered back as I saw a big tree thinking of it to be a police officer. I was scared very much but that was nothing in front of my new found happiness.
The wet mud made walking even more difficult and a torture for my sprained ankle. While fighting with Amanda I had received this sprain. I should have gone straightaway to a doctor but any risk wasn’t on my list now. My one mistake could end me up behind the bars. No I couldn’t afford it. I will find some other treatment at home only, I thought to myself while walking down the path. My car was parked right there, close to Amanda’s backyard. The area at the backside of her house was under construction and no one lived there so my car was safe there and so was I.

I was there in my Toyota Prius smoking the last cigarette left in my pocket. As I blew in and out the air I began wondering about the future. Now that I had killed Amanda, my biggest hurdle, what was there I could do. Start looking for some decent roles? That was not my idea. I had waited for years to do something big and now I wasn’t going to start all this again. Now I couldn’t wait to get a big role. Not any role would do now. I should go to Josh and talk about the role. But if I talked about my role now he would become suspicious. I was Amanda’s best friend and I had to mourn so as to look sad for her demise. The series of these thoughts seemed never ending. I heard a horn, probably coming from behind and a moment later a light flashed in my eyes. Who is this person? I thought. I was in big-time trouble. I must rush, I told myself.


Okay first of all, as i mentioned on a number of occaisions, some sentences don't make much sense. Also there are a lot of parts where there are missing commas :)

Great work

Biffle
Literally whatevr
  








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