z

Young Writers Society


Untitled (as of this moment)



User avatar
46 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2614
Reviews: 46
Sun Dec 11, 2011 10:19 pm
bookworm27 says...



I'm trying to just start out by writing something, anything really, even if its crapola. So here it goes, and Ill add more in chunks:


Some things don’t start from a beginning. Sometimes they don’t even have a real end. They exist only through our existence, and flit along like lone scraps on a street corner, always there, but not noticed. It was like that, sort of. It’s too easy for anyone to blame what happened on a singular event, and anyone who tells you different is blowing his mouth. Everybody is talking, but they’re not saying anything. Nobody knows anything to say, and even if they did, they wouldn’t know what the hell to talk about anyway. And me, I don’t know any better than most of them, but for this, sure, I have something to say. This, I can talk about.
The year was 1943, heyday of my life. Seventeen years old, but I didn’t look any younger than twenty. My mother, rest her soul, always said I was a quick grower. A lot smarter than I looked, she said. Smart, I sure was, if only that.
Looking older is a hell of a lot better than looking too young, I’ll tell you that. Nobody second-guesses who you are, what your business is being here. At some point, you go from being a kid to being a real person, and for whatever reason, that goes a long way in this world. I had my freedom, and I had my time. Two most important things a man could have, I’ll say. To be in charge of yourself, that’s real big, and years to do it. When you’re young, time is on your side, until you wake up with a grey beard and no one to trim it. Then, you’re shit out of luck. But hell, that’s the now, and for back then, luck was on my side.
I was a tiger child. Or so my mother said. She was an actress, the great Renee de Flamee, vaudeville performer. Or so she said. Me, I never saw her act except to get her way with the landlord, Mr. Jenkins, every second Friday of the month. Hell, she could bat her eyes and smile and suddenly the whole world was singing. Real enchanting, that woman was. Batshit crazy, maybe, but for a kid, your mother is the most holy thing in the world, maybe even more than Jesus. She came home once with a Chinese calendar from some fortuneteller who’d gone out of business. It was a year past, but still had a real nice cover all in red. We looked up everybody’s year in that calendar, until we couldn’t think of anyone else and that Calendar became our placemats for the next week.
Living downtown was the best thing for a kid like me. You can say all you want, but I would’ve taken our one-bedroom over the Taj Mahal any day. It overlooked the Rockefeller Theater, which was just about the crummiest name I ever heard, since no Rockefeller had anything to do with that joint. Some immigrant opened it up in the 20’s to play silent films, but when that went out the window, the theater didn’t adapt too well. So it became rundown, and the bums came in, but every night the sign outside still lit up like Broadway, almost some sort of practical joke from Rockefeller himself.
“Maybe it’s fate that Hound ate the map. Maybe we’ll discover soemthing wonderful while we’re lost.”-The Penderwicks
  





User avatar
662 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 52441
Reviews: 662
Mon Dec 12, 2011 12:40 am
dogs says...



Hey Bookworm! Dogs here with your review today! Ok so this is such a fantastic start. Such a fantastic beginning, you have lured me in with your writing and language. So far I love the entire feel of this piece. You already, in the first "page" I guess, have started layering your character. Making him more 3 dimensional and telling us his bias and what he thinks and what he thinks about other people and his story. The description of his mom is great! I loved that part! How she could smile and change everything. I laughed out loud when I read:

"Batshit crazy"

Something about that line is just funny. lol wow I'm so easily entertained. So all and all this piece is going very very well so far with a strong beginning that can develop into something amazing. You have to tell me when you post your next part pleaaasssseeeeee!!!! Keep up the good work!!! Happy Writing!


TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032
Be a cool kid and do my Short Story Contest! viewtopic.php?f=404&t=97148&p=1122883#p1122883

"Quoth the Raven. Nevermore" - Edgar Allan Poe
  





User avatar
42 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 4169
Reviews: 42
Mon Dec 12, 2011 6:42 am
malachitear says...



Hey there(:

Woah. You really drew me in there. I loved the way you began the piece, and how it flowed. It was a little complicated, but you were able to make it smooth enough to carry across your meaning without leaving the reader confused.

Slowly, you were adding facts to the character, his background, and you did that very well too. You presented his opinions, his looks, and most of all his personality. I thought the gradual style of writing was rather nice :D
Oh and I really liked the humor, too. Like Dogs, I especially liked:

Batshit crazy


I also really liked how you were able to completely describe the boy's mother and some parts of her personality without actually saying any of it straight out.

So anyway, these 'chunks' can become something really awesome. Really really.
Well then, If you have any questions, don't hesitate to shoot me a PM! I didn't think much was wrong, anyhow.

See ya sometime!
-Binder
The fault must partly have been in me.
The bird was not to blame for his key.


And of course there must be something wrong
In wanting to silence any song.


- A minor bird, Robert Frost


{I used to be ForgottenSpellbinder}



  








But there was no goat man, there was NEVER any goat man!
— OSP Red