Young Writers Society

TheNewHero wrote:Hero here! Now, to review.

~Mackenzie wrote:Note if you cannot handle blood, you shouldn't read this.
"read alittle and review what you read, you don't
have to do it all at once"
Preface

This is my re-write of your story. It was a bit flawed and badly punctuated, so here's whtat it should have looked like:

~Mackenzie wrote:Preface
The pale moonlight shone through the branches of the trees, glowing onto the wolves' fur. It wasn't bright enough to wake them, but light enough for Purity to watch over them. A young wolf sat under a tree, awake. The pretty young wolf's name was Frost. Frost's gray eyes were glittering as she watched the wolves sleep. Another young wolf, Azami, sensed Frost up. Azami stretched out and walked over to Frost.She scanned Frost's white and brown coat, to see if anything was wrong."You don't look well." Azami said concerned. " I... I feel odd" Frost admitted.
" Why don't why travel up to Komori?" Azami pointing out. " She will heal you."" Can we wait until sunrise?" Frost asked as it would seem odd leaving at nite. Azami nodded and she laid with Frost, until the sun raised. Then, they'd leave camp before it would be to late in day to go. Frost could tell Azami didn’t want to take her, but she knew Azami went by one simple rule: Pack comes before yourself. Frost liked this rule, you have to be devoted to your pack if you want to survive. Every wolf should follow this, but most chose not to. That’s what caused trouble between the packs of the land. Stealing from humans, tress passing, the battles, it all was just so wrong. Frost sat there and thought and thought and thought until she fell asleep under the twinkling stars and glittering moonlight.

This was interesting enough. However, I should mention that your grammar and language was not up to standard:

There's a space after comma. Now, I am only reviewing the first preface so that is what I am talking about. Read through it, and most likely the whole story, and see what is wrong. Were you writing on YWS or NotePad? I know most writing things Lke Microsoft or OPenOffice would have an adequate spell check. use them. Really read through your work before you post anything. And like I said, you shouldn't ever post a long amount like this. It turns reviewers off.

Okay, my review:

The first thing that turns people on is your story, it sounds really interesting and your character ( I believe she is female, yes?) seems really kind and caring and moral. I agree with the whole wolves thing. If I were you, I'd keep this character the same throughout. She's great. Maybe you might want to develop a fear in her? Something that ties her greatest quality with her worst fear. Something to make me really love her.
Firs thing that turns the reader OFF is your grammar and language. It is common courtesy to check your work for problems. And if (Like I once experienced) did not have a proper office suite like Microsoft Office or OpenOffice and are using Wordpad or notepad, send me an attachment and I'll spellcheck with OpenOffice. By the way YWS has a spell check. I cannot stress how important it is to get your basic writing right. But I already have, haven't I?
Do not assume we'll read your whole story. I know you didn't when you said read a bit, review a bit, BUT you did when you talked about Purity. In the preface/prologue, you should NEVER write about something without giving a hint of suspense, confusion, wonder or explaining this. I thought when you said Purity you would start writing about her. But you instead wrote about the wolf and I wondered "Where's purity?"
Back to basic writing and grammar. I think this was very poor. You kept writing: Azami Said, Frost Pointed out, Azami asked, Frost said, Azami this, Frost that. When you are writing between two characters, obviously the next line will be by the other character.
Your punctuation was bad. After every full stop/period, comma, question mark after every everything, there should be a space. Also, don't just write dialogue from character to character. Skip lines with your dialogue, this is really proper.

I'll rewrite your preface, showing exactly what would have been better. I shall not, however, put anything in red.

~Mackenzie wrote:Pale moonlight shone through the branches of trees (Describe the trees). It wasn't bright enough to wake the wolves, but light enough for Purity to watch over them. (Once again, when will we meet Purity here? Pretending I swore never to read anything but a preface. Would Purity ever amount to anything in my mind?). A young wolf sat under a tree, awake. The pretty (Who said anything about pretty. If she's pretty, say so.) young wolf's name was Frost.Frost's gray eyes were glittering as she watched the other wolves sleep. Another young wolf,Azami, sensed Frost up (Huh?). She (We know it's Azami) stretched out and walked over to Frost. She scanned Frost's white and brown coat, to see if anything was wrong. "You don't look well." Azami said concernedly.
" I... I feel odd"
" Why don't why travel up to Komori? She will heal you."
"Can we wait until sunrise?" It would seem odd leaving at night, Frost thought. Azami nodded and she lay with Frost, until the sun rose. They would leave camp before it was too late in the day to go.

Frost could tell Azami didn’t want to take her, but she knew Azami, as did every other wolf, went by one simple rule: 'Pack comes before yourself.' Frost liked this rule, you have to be devoted to your pack if you want to survive. Every wolf should follow this, but most chose not to. That’s what caused trouble between the packs of the land. Stealing from humans, tress passing, the battles, it was just so wrong (What does this have to do with Pack before Self?). Frost sat there and thought until she fell asleep under the twinkling stars and glittering moonlight.

Okay, that was the part where I point out a few things. Now let me re-write without pointing out anything. You'll pick up on what was pointed out.

~Mackenzie wrote:Pale moonlight filtered through the tree branches and shone upon the wolves' fur. A young wolf named Frost sat under a tree and she watched the others. Another young wolf, Azami, sensed Frost up. She stretched out and walked over to Frost. She scanned Frost's white and brown coat, to see if anything was wrong. "You don't look well." Azami said.
" I... feel odd" Frost admitted.
"Why don't why travel up to Komori? She will heal you."
"Can we wait until sunrise?" Frost asked, as it would seem odd leaving at night. Azami nodded and she lay with Frost, until the sun rose.They would leave camp later on, before it was too late to go.

Frost could tell Azami didn’t want to take her, but she knew Azami went by one simple rule: Pack comes before yourself. Frost liked this rule, you'd have to be devoted to your pack if you wanted to survive. Every wolf should follow this, but most chose not to. That’s what caused trouble between the packs of the land. Stealing from humans, tress passing, the battles, it was just so wrong. Frost sat there and thoughtuntil she fell asleep under the twinkling stars and glittering moonlight.

Stick to your tense. There were a few places where you swapped:

~Mackenzie wrote:Azami nodded and she laid with Frost, until the sun raised. Then, they'd leave camp before it would be to late in day to go.

Read it aloud and compare with my re-write.

Basic Rules of writing:

Your words in quotation marks have no space between them and the quotes. " Hiya." is wrong. It should be "Hiya."
Your words after commas andfull-stops/periods have space: Hiya.My name is Jack. Is wrong. It should be: Hiya. My name is Jack.
Grammar and Language from Second Grade apply. But you had no problem with capitals and stuff. Also I liked you vocab. by the way
When you describe something, don't be ignorant of your senses. Imagine if God said you could only hear and see from now on. You might say, "Okay." until you realize most of the stuff you taste is actually a smell. Do your eyes water when you smell chillia or taste it? What doe sit matter if you see snow but don't feel it? Describe with ALL your senses.
Pronouns. Those are important things. Instead of Azami did this. Azami did that. Azami leapt over this. Azami rolled from. It could be Azami did this. She rolled over him. Ran past her. She kiled her. She ate them. Then she hit Hero in the face.
Brevity. This means making sentences as short as possible. You'll often hear baout this. A matric friend of mine (Actually two ) said Brevity = Correctitude. Meaning Don't write: She did this. She did that. She leapt over him. She killed him. (That's four sentences. Now watch the magic:) She did this and then that. Leaping over him, she proceeded to kill him. See? Only two sentences! This also helps you make your story less repitative. No one likes sentences starting the same. I give you two years until your teacher starts yelling at the other kids (Not you cause your a YWSer now): STOP STARTING EVERY SENTENCE WITH SO!! Blah blah, blah. Trust me

And that's it for your language.

Summary:
Language. Grammar.
Never introduce something unless you will properly introduce something.
Pronouns are helpful. Remember Breivty = Correctitude. it helps you writer 'Gooder'

This has been a review of your preface, NewHero style. Please, please! Take out this whole thing and repost it as only either Preface or Preface plus chapter 1. You will get way more reviews. Because Now you have to apply nearly everything I said to your entire story. And everything I'll say next to everything after Chap 1 and before. And pretty soon after every review you'll have to change 18 pages! Whilst you could have just listened to my first review and kept applying it as you grew in size. I know what you were thniking, but just post one thing. You get reviews of more quality..

Hero goes Up, up, down, up, continues leaping, up, up, down, up and away! But he's not flying, just leaping.

TheNewHero wrote:Okay, maybe I made a mistake there but still. Who is Okami?