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How to make this poem better



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Mon Jul 13, 2009 3:48 pm
RyogaLuver88 says...



Hi, I just need some help with my poem.^^ I don't know if it could use some work or need some adjustments....I know how to write really powerful poetry but sometimes I could be confusing with what I write.

I just need some help. Thanks:


It never should've been my first love

The Love I felt for him,

how strong it was for me.

A desire he that burned him for two years

left unoticed.

He loved me

truly loved me.

A love so different.

Very different.

Different.

It was such a love I felt for him.

Which I still feel.



Now both lovers distant.

Boths so blind and sad

why so distant?

Why does this love still want to be alive?

Had both hearts forgotten how to be alive?

So much tragedy.

So much sadness.

Pain.

Misunderstandings.

Desire.

Manly a tragedy.



A first love, ruined by others.

Poisoned by misconceptions.

Only to have both lovers fight each other.

Have this pained girl desert her lover.

Her lover.

The one she gave her heart too.

To her pained lover.

The very lover who waits.



It should've never been my first love.

Having such tragedy strike.

Resentments fangs shown,

war after war fought.

Wounding a broken heart that is distraught.



It never should've been my first love.
Scarlet Rose





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Mon Jul 13, 2009 4:05 pm
Emerson says...



Hello love! This isn't really the place where you post poems for review, so if you would, PM a moderator, someone in green, and tell them you need this thread to be moved. :D
β€œIt's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo





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Mon Jul 13, 2009 5:56 pm
Mars says...



Moved to Other Poetry. :)

Locked. Please only post poems once.
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats


critiques // nano








Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
— Homer Simpson