Young Writers Society

This is my novel in progress, Changed. For those of you that read parts of Crescent, it's the same story. I changed the title and a few of the characters.

To make things easy on you, because it's very long, I'm going to put up the chapters two at a time for the first part of the story, which occur in September and then post the rest as they come out.

The second part takes place in January (Although for less than a page) and April.

Thank you SO very much for anybody that critiques this. It took my entire summer vacation to work on.

Also, for some of you Twilight fans, the first five chapters are a lot like that. Too much like it probably.

I hope you enjoy!

See you around!

-CrewGurl

This is Chapter One. Once again, Chapters One through Five take place in mid-September.

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Alright, I am downloading these right now. I'll get back to you as soon as possible! I love vampire stories!


BBB

Hey! I have made some changes to your story! It's cool. I'll correct more tomorrow! It's really good. I don't know what age the MC is yet, but I guess everything will tell in it's time. I really liked the little prologue thing. Very well written!


BBB

Thanks! I'm posting the rest of Part One as we speak...!

This is Chapter Four.

Read chapter one. I didn't find all that many mistakes. I definitely like your style and the story seems pretty interesting so far. My only real suggestion would be for you to flesh out the dialog a bit more. You describe everything else very well but when you get to dialog you don't tell us how the words are said or anything.

Otherwise, loved it. Vampires in general rock my world.

I really liked this. I won't give a full lgenth review, but here is a brief summary of my thoughts:

Alright, I really liked this. The beginning is kind of creepy to be honest, which is a good feel. There wasn't a lot to say, just it was very good, and if you continue the story in this way then I;m sure you will do very well indeed! I liked this, loads, so keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~

Hey. Here's my edit on Chapter One:

I edited a bit. Here it is. Overall, I enjoyed it, though you might want to change up the parts that sound like Twilight.

-Lily

I downloaded chapter 1 and I just finished editing it. I didn't really revise it very much, but I make very many revisions, but I posted suggestions on the side as comments. Other than a few missing commas, you didn't have many errors in it.
Here's my opinion on your writing:
The opening part was very descriptive, and exciting. Parts of it seemed a little bit rushed, but that would be necessary if you wanted to make it short.
The next part was pretty good. It was a little bit boring at first, (what book isn't, though) but I liked it anyway. The dialogue seemed very accurate to the present conflicts, which made it seem believable. What I didn't like about all the dialogue, though, was the fact that there were barely any details in between quotations. In some parts that was OK, but in others, it made the story harder to follow. There were also a few parts that you seemed to rush a little bit, like when they go to the school, and when Ivy gets the new car. I don't think it really mattered very much, but it seemed to flow less smoothly.
As for editing, there were very few run-on sentences (at least compared to my writing), and only a couple commas missing.

Ahhhh, please post the rest of it. The suspence is going to kill me, And if i cannot read braking dawn cause your story killed me than, i swear im seriously going to haunt you and all your desendants.

Improvement:
make it flow more
verry your sentances
work on sentance structure.

Other than that, excellent. I like the plot, the chraracter, and everything else. Please Post more!

First of all : great! Oh heavens this was a brilliant story. Didn't flow as well as i liked and *curse* you say said so many times. i said this, he said, she said, i said. Fine once or twice but that is a serious issue in your story. It's the one thing that just ruins it. Sorry to sound so brutal but it makes it hard to read when really with a little bit more of an edit, it could've been so much better.
I am pleased you ran it through spell check. I haven't reviewed a story as of yet that didn't have a spelling mistake
I thankyou for that much, in the least, because it's stupid to correct simple errors thats shouldn't be there. I love the essense of your story, and here is the first chapter:

second chapter, much better it's really forming into a story now! Issac needs more descrition. I need to imagine him. Know him. In order to connect with him i need more than what you have given me.