Young Writers Society

I wrote this awhile ago, theres a few bugs still in it though...

Look at me, Daddy
look what I did.
I painted a picture.
I painted it red.

Daddy?
Wont you look and see?
Daddy?
Can you even hear me,
can you even see me?

The paint is running
its getting on the floor
Daddy?
Please look at me!

Daddy?
Do you even care?
The picture is getting better
more red ever where.
The picture is getting darker
its getting hard to see.

Daddy?
Please Daddy help me!
I tried to make you see
but you wouldn’t look at me.

I tried to show you
but you wouldn’t see the red.
It stained my sheets
and stained my hands.

Now I’m bleed more and more
and you don’t care.
You can’t see
and you wonder why
I won’t look you in the eye.

Wow That was amazing!!! I am not the best poem writer but I do write some. I might post some if I feel like it. But this was awesome, kinda scared me! Which by the way IS GREAT!!

wow! really well written, great symbolism,
kinda scares me as well!,
my only advice is not to over-use question marks,
but they are effective
other than that, it's awesome!
-rainbowbubblex

Rainbow! Soulkana! Give it a like, darnit!

The picture is getting better
more red ever where.
The picture is getting darker
its getting hard to see.

This part didn't flow exactly. Usually when it gets darker it's bad but earlier you said it was getting better and I struggle to see that turn on a dime.

Your repetition of 'me' is noticeable on sight. Perhaps you should forsake the rhyme. Be very brief in this poem. VERY brief. Like daggers or bullets.

I liked the way you didn't just use similes and interesting comparisons but instead used a single, extended metaphor. You avoided the thing that ruins so many lyrical poems. Quite frankly, those should be kept for Lurve poems

I want to just offer one tip: Describe what she's drawing. Describe the scene a little bit more. What's the dad looking at? His newspaper? The stock markets? CNN? Calling his friends from the bar? What is he so preoccupied with that would stop him from looking at his daughter.

Thanks for the AWESOME read,
*LIKES*,
TheNewHero

Please pay attention to the red parts.

SilentRain wrote:I wrote this awhile ago, theres a few bugs still in it though...

Look at me daddy
look what I did.
I painted a picture.
I painted it red.

Daddy?
Wont you look and see?
Daddy?
Can you even hear me?
Can you even see me?

The paint is running
its getting on the floor
Daddy?
Please look at me!

Daddy?
Do you even care?
The picture is getting better
more red ever where (this is kind of confusing. I think you meant "every"? if so, get rid of the space.
The picture is getting darker
its getting harder to see.

Daddy?
Please Daddy help me!
I tried to make you see
but you wouldn’t look at me.

I tried to show you
but you wouldn’t see the red.
It stained my sheets
and stained my hands.

Now I’m bleed choose: "I'm bleeding" or "I've bled"more and more
and you don’t care.
You can’t see
and you wonder why
I won’t look you in the eye.

The last part confuses the reader. If your Daddy won't even look at you, why would he wonder if you won't look him back in the eye if in the first place he didn't look at you?
I think that was your poetic way of saying that the father was blind...I don't know. But it was kinda confusing.

But, anyway, I enjoyed your poem. Got to feel the emotions though I've never been through that kind of--situation.
I'd like to read more of your poems.

Hello there, SilentRain!

Here as requested.

Comments, suggestions and nitpicks in RED.

Look at me daddy
look what I did.
I painted a picture.
I painted it red.

Perhaps if you could've been more specific about the painting. It's because only a blank page that's painted red would only pooped into my mind. Try putting some imageries here.

Daddy?
Won't you look and see?
Daddy?
Can you even hear me?
Can you even see me?

I placed already an apostrophe so that you'll be guided there. As for now, I don't personally understand of what really are you trying to convey to your readers. Show us something that would not to lead to confusion but rather, comprehension or understanding of the poem. It's all too blurry with those questions.

The paint is running,
it's getting on the floor
Daddy?
Please look at me!

Some lines here are worded awkwardly. But I think you're giving us a hint of what is really the message behind the poem, it's somewhat developing here.

Daddy?
Do you even care?
The picture is getting better
more red everywhere.
The picture is getting darker
it's getting hard to see.

Speaking metaphorically, I think I'm understanding a part of this piece, but I say it's going to be less than twenty five percent. Maybe this is just me or your poem really lacks something that could complement well your poem. As for now, it's kind of confusing. I think you are talking about your father's pain or something, perhaps death? I'm not really sure. As with the "painting" concept, it is quite good but maybe if you could've been more specific?

And also, I've noticed that you have switched tenses a bit, so a minor cause to my confusion. If your poem is based on past form then, stick with it throughout the poem. In addition, you should be aware of your punctuations, especially with your apostrophes.

So that's all, I think. However, all in all, this definitely has potential. Hope I helped and PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

SilentRain wrote:I wrote this awhile ago, theres a few bugs still in it though...

Look at me daddy
look what I did.
I painted a picture.
I painted it red.

Daddy?
Wont you look and see?
Daddy?
Can you even hear me?
Can you even see me?

The paint is running
itcommas getting on the floor
Daddy?
Please look at me!

Daddy?
Do you even care?
The picture is getting better
more red everywhere.
The picture is getting darker
itcommas getting hard to see.

Daddy?
Please Daddy help me!
I tried to make you see
but you wouldn’t look at me.

I tried to show you
but you wouldn’t see the red.
It stained my sheets
and stained my hands.

Now I you said "I'm" at first. That didn't sound right. bleed more and more
and you don’t care.
You can’t see
and you wonder why
I won’t look you in the eye.

That was really sad. The things in red are what I found. But not all of it since some people already pointed out a lot. I hope that helped you.
~Ladypurple.

Look at me, Daddy.
Look what I did.

Whenever you refer to someone directly, their name or form of address should be separated from the rest of the sentence by commas.

Examples:

"Excuse me, mister, but I think you dropped this?"
"Sarah, please get my coat."
"How are you doing, Joe?"

You have a lot of basic spelling mistakes as your other reviewers have pointed out. I suggest you proofread more closely next time before posting. A good way to catch things is to read your poem aloud as you use different areas of your brain to read aloud than to read silently.

As far as the subject matter goes, it bored me, and by the time I came across "the paint is running" line, I was wondering when the poem was going to end. You have a main idea here (Daddy doesn't love her, so she cuts herself and dies), but this poem drags on and doesn't do anything to really make that subject interesting. There is no new perspective presented, no unique imagery or turns of phrase: in short, this poem struck me as overly simple, generalized, typical teen angst fare. The rhyme only reinforces this genericness.

Personally, I say drop this poem. It's not worth the effort to make original. Instead, if you really want to work with the subject, I suggest starting over with an entirely new poem that would focus more on the motivations behind the narrator's actions and on her emotions rather than the "Look at me! I'm bleeding! Now you have to look at me!" wangstyness that drowns this poem currently. Make the narrator more than just a one-dimensional, generic narrator. Give her a concrete past and explore her emotions more deeply, but don't settle for the first turn of phrase that comes to mind. The reason something often is the first to come to mind is because it has been done before, and by using something that has been done before without giving it your own unique take, you cheapen the emotional impact your poem (and writing in general) could have.

Basically, your poem is shallow and cliche. Give it more depth and uniqueness.

Hey
Thanks for requesting a review, sorry it took me so long to bring it; I've been busy with school work. You seem to have alot of good reviews, and I would have to agree with them.

Daddy?
Wont you look and see?
Daddy?
Can you even hear me?
Can you even see me?

In this section I think it would work better if the question marks after Daddy were commas, but I do see that it's the effect you are looking for. So, don't change it if you don't feel the need to.

that's all I could find that no one else had commented on. I love the first stanza; it really draws your reader in. Thanks for a good read and keep up the good work.

Have an awesome day,
Tiffany

I wrote this awhile ago, theres a few bugs still in it though...

Look at me daddy
look what I did.
I painted a picture.
I painted it red.
Daddy?
Wont you look and see?
Daddy?
Can you even hear me?
Can you even see me?
The paint is running
its getting on the floor
Daddy?
Please look at me!
Daddy?
Do you even care?
The picture is getting better
more red ever where.
The picture is getting darker
its getting hard to see.
Daddy?
Please Daddy help me!
I tried to make you see
but you wouldn’t look at me.
I tried to show you
but you wouldn’t see the red.
It stained my sheets
and stained my hands.
Now I’m bleed more and more
and you don’t care.
You can’t see
and you wonder why
I won’t look you in the eye.

Well I must say this is an excellent poem! It shows tremendous amount of emotion. Keep writing. The only thing I noticed were a few mispelled words, but other than that, it was really good.

Singer

This is a fantastic poem well written with a sense of lonliness. You can sense the kids wonderment.. why isn't Daddy looking at me?!
Very well written and to be honest the best ive read
kaka x

That was amazing. I could see all of this playing out in my head. I know how you feel.

Thanks for all the great reviews!! <3

~Rain~

This was beautiful and incredibly sad. There is nothing to criticise - I am sorry I cannot help!
- Ignis

Hi there! First off, I think this is amazing writing. It sends shivers up my spine, it's so good. There are a few parts though that made me go 'huh?'. Where you say ,"Now I'm bleed more and more," did you mean "I'm bleeding more and more?" Because if that's what you meant than you just have a typo.

Keep pumping out the great writing!