Young Writers Society

Hey. This story will be told by two people Lia and Gabriel. This is an unusual teenage pregnancy story. Hope you'll like, please review, I really want to improve my writing. Say if it's worth to continue, I really like it, I want to know what you think about it. This is just the Prologue:) Ikafe

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Forever&Always ~~Prologue


Lia

My best friends sweet sixteen party was going smoothly. I was standing beside an oak tree in her back garden but I could steel her the loud music from inside. I was looking at Oliver my boyfriend, who wanted to talk about something important.

"So?What do you want to talk about?" I eyed him suspiciously. His face was emotionless.

"Look Lia, you a great girl and all, you're like one of the pretties. But I just feel like I have to move on. You know you don't wanna progress in our relationship..." His voice sounded lame. He was looking at me as if he never felt anything towards me.
A bump was building up in my throat. I knew what was going to come now.

"I'm breaking up with you." He said and without any hesitation he strode away.

Jerk, Jerk, Jerk.... I thought. He's just like all the boys, they all want it but when they don't get it, they just dump you.

"You should never play with a heart of a witch" I said out loud. Not caring if anyone heard me. I wanted to use my powers against him, but he wasn't worth my cover. Instead I ran to hide in the bathroom, where I could let my heart bleed peacefully.

My hair were covering my face, I was sitting on the, cold bathroom floor, in my new black-white punk dress that I bought especially for this occasion, but now I didn't care about it.

"Oh, Lilliana Rosemary McNeah why those tears?" without looking up I knew who was speaking to me 'Gabriel'. Gabriel is Heather's (Heather is my best friend) seventeen year old brother, me and him hated each other since the first time we met, he is one of the only one's that would call me by my full name, to annoy me.

"Go away" I groaned at him. Instead of leaving me alone he knelt down beside me. I didn't
want to cry in front of him, but I just couldn't stop the tears welling up in my eyes.

"You know you're pretty when you cry." I looked up at him. Did he just say that? His face was just inches away from mine. I could smell his ice-cold breath. I felt butterflies coming alive in my stomach. What's happening to me?

****

Gabriel

Why was I here? Didn't we hate each other? Her, shining green eyes, were seducing me. I couldn’t tear my gaze away from her god-like face. What's happening to me? Wasn't she like my worst enemy?

" Why are you being nice to me for?" Lia frowned. It made me chuckle.

“Come on…You must be cold, from sitting on the bathroom floor” I got up, I knew that she wouldn’t follow me so I pulled her up from the bathroom floor, and led the way into my room. I was aware of all her moves, touches, breaths.

I felt a little ashamed, of how messy my room was that night. She sat on a chair beside the computer, I sat on my bed, looking at her lime, green shining eyes.

“So who made you cry?” I asked.

“Oliver” she answered shortly.

“Oh, your boyfriend cute-face” I smirked.

“Ex-boyfriend cute-face, that jerk dumped me tonight” I saw that her chin started to shake a little bit. I didn’t want her to cry.

I didn’t know what I was doing, this wasn’t me. I stood up from my bed and headed towards were she was sitting. She eyed me uneasily. I pulled her up from the chair and hugged her tightly. She didn’t pull away. She smelled after lemon and rosemary. I let her brown, silk-like hair fall through my fingers.

Our lips found each other and we kissed. Then the kisses continued, one followed the other…

Hey Ikafe! Here is the review as I promised!

First off

This is okay so far. I don't know what the characters are like yet, but I really want to know. The fact that the MC is a witch is very interesting, I like that. The grammar, on the other hand, is below par. Do you have Microsoft Word, by any chance? That would help the errors. I am not going to nit pick your spelling and stuff, I just want you to know that maybe you should proofread it or have someone proof read it for you, because it's hard to enjoy a nice story like this when it is hard to read.

Flow

You caught the reader's attention with the break up at the beginning, which is good. It was slightly more melodramatic than needed, which could make people hesitant to read to the end. The ending is good, you ended with romantic tension. However, you have to make the follow up interesting, okay? Not cliche.

Characters

Not much to say until I get to later chapters. For some reason your MC reminds me of the character of the other novel you are writing. Work on making them different. Gabriel is interesting. Don't know if he is a jerk or not though.

Plot progression

Work on this. This has the potential to be good, and this also has the potential to be something I've read dozens of times.

OVERALL

Pretty good job. Work on making your MC more original. Also, this isn't really a prologue. It may be better to just call it chapter one. Also, try to keep the melodrama to a minimum. We've all read that stuff before. Proof read. And when you've proof read, proof read some more. Over all, good job. Keep working on it. Also, have you stopped writing your vampire novel? I hope you haven't given up.

Esther Sylvester

I agree fully with Ester Sylvester. You need work here, we've read these kind of things many times. Make it more interesting. Overall: Nice, i loved reading it and cant wait for more. PM me when you edit and add more!
Nike

oh wow do more thats very interesting so far good job! a few grammar errors but otherwise not bad i enjoyed it now i cant wait til you put up more xD

I really like the sound of this story! It's really sweet and foreshadowing and leaves on a edge with curiosity. I really like the names of your characters, especially Lilliana Rosemary McNeah. ( Seeing my real name is Lillian. ha ha.) Private message me when you come out with more!! -Lily <3

Hi Ikafe! Here are my thoughts on this piece:

Introduction

I know it's tempting to give a few basic facts about the story beforehand, but your story can do that for it, and it's much more interesting that way. Resist the urge to introduce the characters and the plotline in those little author's notes. Just from my perspective - I'm always much more interested in reading pieces on YWS that speak for themselves.

Title

Doesn't catch my interest. Unless you're going to use it in a really cool way later on, making the words play on each other, I'd say ditch it. Because, honestly, it's just redundant, and very cliche'd.

Descriptions

A lot of them are really awkward. For instance:

'Gabriel'. Gabriel is Heather's (Heather is my best friend) seventeen year old brother

Eek. Too much information in one place. Gabriel brother Heather BFF seventeen aaaahhh!!! This can definitely be introduced quickly and efficiently without slamming it into the reader's face. I have a feeling that you can do better.

Punctuation, General Correctness

The majority of your dialogue is incorrectly punctuated. Grab your favorite book. Read a few paragraphs, and see how the dialogue is punctuated. Look at how the author places commas, periods, exclamation marks, question marks. One thing I think you'll notice too is how most really good books don't use "laughed," "explained," "shouted," "screamed," etc. Plain ol' "said" is surprisingly effective. You want your reader to hear what your character is saying, not you trying to explain what your character is saying. You don't really notice "said," which is great, because you can keep the action flowing through back-and-forth interaction in dialogue.

Good luck with your revisions! Please don't hesitate to PM me if you have any questions.

I agree with a lot of what the other reviewers said.
Here are some things I really want to point out.

1. The grammar is pretty bad. I have the urge to quote the whole story in this review and then mark everything that's grammatically incorrect in bright red font. You also had some spelling errors, so I recommend that you use spell check and edit your work before you post.

2. It doesn't have a lot of flow, it seems like you're starting an interesting story, however it doesn't really capture the reader's interest. There's a million stories about pregnant girls...and they're everywhere, from Juno to The Secret Life of the American Teenager. You have to make this story unique...have us want more chapters.

Keep writing, and I'm sure you'll get better.
-Jane