Young Writers Society

I do believe this is my entry for the Forest Setting Contest, but not totally sure. Tell me what you think? Would love to have some reviews.



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~*~ The Awakening~*~
~*~By Keira~*~

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The night was young, the moon barely peeking over the tree tops. Its light cast grim shadows over the rough terrain. It almost seemed to make the earth breathe as the silver strands filtered through canopy of leaves and hit the pine needles covering the ground. But the girl barely noticed for her mind was troubled. The dilemma that she faced controlled her thoughts. Swiftly she ran through the forest but with an odd gait. Her long black cape flew behind her, the ends trailing into the shadows of night. Cascading blond curls tumbled from the pins that held it in place, catching leaves and twigs. She was scared her enormous hazel eyes searched the surroundings; the forest was off limits to her people at night. The only thing that frightened her more than the forest was the loss of life but not her own. She leaned against a tree cradling the tiny bundle she clung to so tightly. Her daughter, her sweet, innocent child, born only two days past her life was all that mattered now. Once again she shivered. The forest, so beautiful in the daytime, was daunting at this time of night. The trees groaned, sounding like the dying. Owls that lurked in the thick canopies of leaves, staring at her with menacing yellow eyes, called out in their chilling tones. She wished she could hide her eyes, cover her ears, but the safety of little Ava depended on her bravery.
A rustle from one of the many head high bushes made her jump. She blew out a grateful breath. It was only a small nocturnal bird startled from its perch. Her heart beat was pounding in her head and the wound on her thigh from a villagers arrow hurt mercilessly. The pain was almost unbearable but she couldn’t stop now. She must protect her child.
Then through the pulsating voice of the wild forest, the clamor of man, she struggled to stand upright. She had hoped they wouldn’t follow her into the forest this night. As superstitious as they were, but no her crime as they called it must be punished. She felt like swearing for her only crime was being the farmers pretty daughter. To them, she was a witch. How else would she get the prince to lie with her, without bewitching him? What they wouldn’t believe was the prince had raped her, she hadn’t wanted this, but they wouldn’t see it that way. Even though Ava was the sinful fruit of that horrible night, it hadnt been her fault and she deserved to live, not to be burnt on the stake along with her mother for crimes they had not committed.
She began to run again, slower this time; she tripped over exposed roots that seemed to reach out of the darkness to bring her down. A small strangled cry passed through her lips as she was struck in the face by a branch. She knew she had to keep going, and she did shielding baby Ava from the woods, gaining cuts and scrapes, bruises and dirt. But she struggled on to an unknown goal even as she heard the mob behind her.
All this time the ancient forest watched in silence. Not often did it stir itself these passing days. Those times were long past, but something had woken it this night. Slowly it reached out from its center. An enormous tree that had survived many centuries, it was taller than all the other trees, with branches that stretched on for miles in every direction. Its base was a day’s walk around it and many of the forest animals called it home for there were many places to hide with cavities and hollow openings. The floor feeders like the rabbits, mice, and others made burrows under some of the roots that the dark dirt did not cover completely. Along one side, a gap between the bark, almost undetectable, and it lead to a large room like space near the center of the trunk.
It was amazing and breathtaking to gaze at this tree. The deep root system connected the entire forest and the tree felt the disturbance, it made the forest-tree angry. Slowly the wind began to pick up, and the wild things bolted from their dens with fear.
The woman noticed wearily that the forest seemed to be waking up, the wind howled through the hollows and birds cried out in distress. Limbs that hung weakly crashed to the earth’s floor, and the ground shook. She held her baby tighter as the trees bent and the wind screamed at her, terrified she burst out into a clearing.
Looking up she saw the Eternal Tree, the people called it, the place they came to seek wisdom. She remembered playing here as a child, she also remembered all the hiding places in the tree itself. She staggered to the tree leaning against it for strength, closing her eyes.
The tree was angry at the villagers as they trampled through its woodland killing things under their feet and burning their way through the brush. But as it raged, it felt another presence, a small weak one, but pure and filled with love. The love was so intense that the tree stopped its violence and searched for the cause of it. It listened and felt the magnificence of the feeling. It made the tree happy, and when she leaned against the trunk, it let some of its measureless energy flow into her body.

The clearing was filled with torches, and shouts. Her eyes fluttered open, and she hid her child’s face hurriedly.
“We have you now witch!”
Were the echoed shouts, cruelty dripping from the words.

“You three gather the wood. She burns now!”
Hearty yells went up from the crowd; they were cheering for her death!

“NO. Please no, I have done nothing wrong!”
She screamed as two men came toward her eyeing her greedily. Their well built bodies shiny with sweat. Her heart gave a leap as she recognized the hungry looks the prince had eyed her with.

“Maybe we’ll have a bit of fun with you before you…”
A third said as he paused glaring at the helpless baby she held protectively against her.
“Before we burn you…both.”

She screamed as they grabbed her, clawed at them with her free hand and kicked at their groins. One finally managed to jerk Ava from her arms; he tossed her to the ground before turning back to her. He laughed, as she called out to her baby who now cried, she prayed Ava was okay. Tears rolled down her cheeks splashing to the trunk of the tree.

Then suddenly he was gone with his screams lingering in every ones ears.
Both men that had been holding her released her as though they had been burned stepping away. She fell to her knees crawling to her daughter. She was thankful that miraculously Ava had landed in a bed of large curling ferns.

“I am the Voice, I am protector of the forest; I am the center of life. Who are you? What right do you have here in my woods? Who are you, to destroy my family, and why do you hunt the innocent?”

Everybody shuddered, even the baby stopped wailing, as the voice almost as old as time itself reverberated through the forest. A million whispers combined into one powerful voice.
The men stood shocked as though they couldn’t believe this. The young woman leaned against the tree, her eyes shifting uneasily from each of them.

“WELL?”
It echoed, chilling everyone. One of the braver ones mumbled as he searched the tree tops.

“She is a Witch!”
And then he was gone, a huge hand like branch snatching him into darkness.

“Who else among you hideous humans wish to harm a mere child?”

All was silent.

“THEN BEGONE!!”

The villagers nearly fell over each other as they scrambled in their haste. But the girl stayed, too tired to run anymore.

“Please, mighty one” she murmured, nodding her head in respect
“May I stay here and rest?”
The opening in the tree became visible and a branch helped her gently to her feet, pushing her to the gap that had light flowing from it mysteriously.

“Small one, your love for your child awakened me. I thank you. For I have been asleep for too long, they will remember now why the forest is to be respected. FOR I AM A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH.”
She nodded not caring that she was speaking to a tree,
“But you are also merciful. You saved the one thing that matters most to me. My daughter, for that I will serve you. And if it pleases you make my home in this forest.”
She knew she would because suddenly the forest wasn't scary to her. It was a haven from evil.

If it could have the tree would have nodded as she disappeared into the trunk.

“And so begins the line of the Keepers of Life”

Hi there . I am The.Dreamwalker, at your service. Most people call me dreamwalker or DW but you can call me whatever you like and I'm here to critique your work this lovely evening ^_^.

Heres an outline of what I do basically. First I do a nit-picky critiquing section then I go into Grammer and Punctuation, Character Developement, Setting and Description, and Plot. Then my overall opinion on the piece. So let's get started!

Critique

The night was young, the moon barley peeking above the tree tops.

Barley should be Barely. Screwing up in the first line is not something to be proud of XD. Normally the reader turns away right at that so try rereading your work over first and then again and then maybe aloud. That way you'll catch all of your mistakes.

Its light cast grim shadows over the rough terrain that was the mountain, making the earth seemingly breathe as the silver strands leaped and danced through the pine nettles covering the ground.

This sentence is a little intimidating in it's wordining as it can be terribly confusing. I think you just got a little excessive in your imagery and created something in my mind that looked quite hilarious to be completely honest.

But the girl barley noticed, for her mind was troubled, the dilemma that she faced controlled her thoughts.

Barley was screwed up again. Remember, Barely. Also the comma after troubled should be a period and the 'the' should be capitalized.

Swiftly she ran through the forest, but with an odd gate.

You seem to have a problem with using the wrong word type for your sentences. I'm sure by 'gate' you meant 'gait'. The english language is fairly complicated with such words but you must remember these sorts of things in literature.

She was scared; her enormous hazel eyes searched the surroundings, the forest was off limits to her people at night.

I hate semicolons and I mean literally hate them but if they are used properly I have no issues with them. This is an incorrect usage of the semicolon.

It should be like this.

'She was scared as her enormous hazel eyes searched the surroundings; the forest was off limits to her people at night.

But the only thing that frightened her more, the loss of life, not her own though.

This sentence is terribly wonky. Sort it out properly like this:

'But the only thing that frightened her more was the loss of life but not of her own.'

Her daughter, her sweet innocent child, born only two days past, her life was all that mattered now.

Again, a wonky sentence. Should be like this:

Her daughter, her sweet, innocent child, was born only two days past and her life was now all that mattered.

Once again she shivered, the forest, so beautiful in the day time, was daunting at this time of night.

The comma after shivered should be a period and the 'the' should be capitalized.

It made her wish to cover her ears, but no, the safety of little Ava depended on her bravery.

This sounds a little silly. Try this:

'It made her wish to cover her eyes but she could not. The safetly of little Ava depended on her bravery.'

A rustle from a single one of the thousands of head high bushes made her jump.

I dont even know what you were trying to do with the sentence to be quite honest.

The pain was almost unbearable, but she couldn’t stop now, she must protect her child.

You seem to use comma's incorrectly throughout this piece. Comma's shouldn't be used in such pretences. The last comma should be a period and the first comma isnt even necessary. Look at any book and you'll see that you're overusing them and using them incorrectly. That is all I will speak of for commas.

She had hoped they wouldn’t follow her into the forest this night, as superstitious as they were. But no her crime, as they called it must be punished.

Here's a little tip. Never start off a sentence with But unless it's dialogue. This is an improper use of a period. Change it to a comma for in this case the comma is used to break up the sentence. The part where it says 'as superstitious as they were' wouldnt be necessary in the sentence for it could just read out 'She has hoped they wouldn't follow her into the forest but no. That is the need of the comma's. To add in the little bit of information. The period ends that and makes the first comma pointless and the sentence incomplete.

Also, there should be a comma after no and a comma after it because 'as they called it' isnt necessary but just an interesting thing added in. Like this for example:

"The dog went to the park."
"The dog, who so happened to be red, went to the park."

Who so happened to be red isnt necessary in the sentence but adding comma's before and after it make it at least appropriate in the sentence structure, kay?

She felt like swearing, her only crime was to be the pretty daughter of a farmer.

See, this sentence is incomplete. It doesnt make much sense if you read it through. If this was to be proper structure it would be "She felt like swearing for her only crime was being the farmers pretty daughter."

Even though Ava was the sinful fruit of that horrible night it wasn’t her fault and she deserved to live not be burnt on the stake along with her mother. For crimes they had not committed.

This is also a little foggy.

Here. I'll write this out for how it will make sense with proper punctuation.

"Even though Ava was the sinful fruit of that horrible night, it hadnt been her fault and she knew she deserved to live, not to be burnt on the stake along with her mother for crimes they had not committed."

As you see, I got rid of the period and added in necessary comma's that werent there before.

A small strangled cry passed through her lips, as she was struck in the face by a branch.

Comma wasnt necessary.

“We have you now witch!” were the echoed shouts, cruelty dripping from the words.

'were' should be capitalized.

“You three gather the wood. SHE BURNS NOW!” hearty yells went up from the crowd; they were cheering for her death!

Ugh... all-caps. Lets not use all caps for there are other alternatives. The exclamation point is there for a reason and you could use italics or something like that but please, no caps. And hearty should be capitalized.

He paused glaring at the helpless baby she held protectively against her “before we burn you…both.”

How morbid... I like it XD. But thats not the point. Period after 'her' and 'before' should be capitalized.

The young woman leaned against the tree her eyes shifting uneasily from each of them.

This is where you need a comma added right in between tree and her for the sentence needs a break.

Grammar and Punctuation

Alright this is definitly where you struggled the most. I like your vocabulary but you must and I mean must read over your work to make sure it flows. The comma's are a huge issue and flaw throughout your work because when thought through properly your sentences feel choppy and incomplete especially when read aloud. These two things are probably the hardest part of writing and without both skills perfected, writing is not an adequate career choice. In fact, grammar and punctuation are needed for many different career choices so you must watch out for these sorts of things.

But other then that you wording is interesting and even if somethings were mispelled I got what I was supposed to from the words and it was very good from what I saw.

Character Developement

As is customary in most of my reviewing, I set up this section but I dont go to hard on the subjects if I dont know much about the plotline and so forth basically speaking, normally with the first chapters. I am actually quite surprised at what I saw in your main character though and that is something to be applauded for the first chapter. My first impression? Brave, courageous, thick-headed to a point of flaws, but stubborn and protective. I dont normally see such traits come out so smoothly in the first chapters and I must say, character development is your strong point. That deserves a gold-star from me .

Setting and Description

These areas were also lacking a little... well the setting not so much. You kind of gave an idea of it in the beginning but description started to weave off around the end of the fiction. Something you might want to consider later on.

Plot

So far your plot is fairly entertaining. Lately I have been reading a very many stories about witches and yours I thought would just be another one. Turns out I was wrong and these tree spirit is definitly one I like the sounds of so far. Very interesting and I much enjoyed this starting plotline even if some parts were hard to catch onto thanks to the grammar and punctuation.

Overall

I liked this work and I would definitly think it good to enter into a contest as soon as you get those kinks worked out. Really drill in the sentence structure and such. It will help you in the long run and you'll realise just how wonderful writing becomes when punctuation is on your side.

This is interesting and has a lot of potential for sure. When you post up more, please PM me and I will for surely come and review again . Good job!

From Dreams to Reality
~The.Dreamwalker

Hiya! Here as requested

The night was young, the moon barley peeking above the tree tops.

barley should be barely, deary.
Also, the moon cannot peek above a tree top. Rather, a moon can barely peek over the tree tops.

making the earth seemingly breathe as the silver strands leaped and danced through the pine nettles covering the ground.

Okay, so here, there's no actual such thing as pine nettles; I believe you mean pine needles?

But the girl barley noticed, for her mind was troubled, the dilemma that she faced controlled her thoughts.

Barley error again. Should be barely.

Swiftly she ran through the forest, but with an odd gate.

This sentence can use restructuring; the adverb should come after the line of action.
"She ran the the forest swiftly, with an odd gait."
Gate here should gait.
Gait refers to a pace in walking/traveling; gate is a door in a fence or other barrier.

But the only thing that frightened her more, the loss of life, not her own though.

This can also use restructuring; "The only thing that frightened her was the loss of a life that was not hers."

Once again she shivered, the forest, so beautiful in the day time, was daunting at this time of night.

Break this sentence up: Once again she shivered, [BREAK] the forest, so beautiful in the day time, was daunting at this time of night.
Day time can be written as one word; daytime.

Thankfully it was only a small nocturnal bird, startled from its perch. Her heart beat was pounding in her head, and the wound on her thigh.

I would eliminate "thankfully".
I would also clarify what is meant in the second sentence here: "Her heart was pounding; the wound on her thigh throbbed with pain."

One thing that I want to point out here is your lack of commas throughout this. It's not a bad thing, but I want to point out a few places where commas would be in-line:

Then [COMMA] through the pulsating voice of the wild forest, the clamor of man, she struggled to stand upright.

But no [COMMA] her crime, as they called it must be punished.

Pay attention to that as you go along; wherever you feel there should be a brief pause, insert a comma.
Remember to pay attention to your sentence coordination as well. Be careful where you place your periods: Sometimes they can get in the way of ideas.

Even though Ava was the sinful fruit of that horrible night [COMMA] it wasn’t her fault and she deserved to live [COMMA] not be burnt on the stake along with her mother. [REMOVE PERIOD; REPLACE WITH COMMA] For crimes they had not committed.

Be careful not to use "but" too much! Here, you can eliminate both of these:

But she must keep going, and she did shielding baby Ava from the woods, gaining cuts and scrapes, bruises and dirt. But she struggled on to an unknown goal, even as she heard the mob behind her.

You can change the first from "But she must..." to, "She had to keep going...". This makes it clearer for us, the audience, to understand, and not get confused while we read.

She held her baby tighter as the trees bent and the wind screamed at her, [DELETE COMMA, REPLACE WITH PERIOD] terrified she burst out in to a clearing.

Here you can shorten these sentences. It's good to vary the length of your sentences. Sometimes fragments are okay.

The tree was angry at the villagers as they trampled through its woodland, killing things under their feet, and burning their way through the brush. But as it raged, it felt another presence, a small weak one, but pure and filled with love.

Here, we are only now introduced to the villagers.
We need a better introduction to them; we need to find them, and know who they are, what they want, and why they are passing this way.

[s]And then [/s] the clearing [s]was[/s] filled with torches, and shouts. Her eyes fluttered open, and she hid her child’s face hurriedly.

Here, you can eliminate excess filler words such as "and, then, was, and but".
Try to avoid using words like this as much as possible.

“We have you now witch!” were the echoed shouts, cruelty dripping from the words

I would reword/restructure this: "We have you now, witch," a shout echoed, cruelty dripping from the words.
"

“You three gather the wood. SHE BURNS NOW!” hearty yells went up from the crowd; they were cheering for her death!

I don't think hearty is the word you want to use here. While hearty indicates that it's coming from the heart, I think that you want to add something less "Care-sounding" here.
Also! Avoid using all-capital letters as much as possible. You can convey the same excitement, same anger with exclamation points and italics.

Both men that had been holding her released her as though they had been burned stepping away.

This brings about a bit of confusion. I would clarify your language here so that we do not become confused.

FOR I AM A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH.”

Again, watch the capital letters here.
Also, why would someone reckon with something so powerful? I believe you meant, "I am not a force to be reckoned with."

“But you are also merciful. I will serve you, and make my home in this forest.”

Why would she do this?
It's like, the forest is scary, big, something you do not want to trouble-- why would she turn and want to make her home here?
We need more reasoning for this, more things to base her decision upon. For all we care, the tree could turn around and eat her up.

Over- all

I think that you had a decent start here. It was kind of a "smack-in-the-middle of action" type of beginning, and I would like to see you grow from this.

It may seem like this review is very long (haha, the longest I've ever done), but! That doesn't mean this isn't a good story! There is potential, and, like I said, the middle of the action is a good place to start, then go back and explain more behind the scenes.

Good job, but it needs a little TLC.

Write on.

~April

Omg! I hate my computer, somehow my sister *Mutters about how to kill her* did something and made it auto correct the barely to barley cause she was writing or something like that. She wonders why I never let her touch my stuff. So yes I should have checked but no I really didn't catch that. I shall go kick myself properly now.
And as I have found out comma's are BAD!! I understand, I will do better i'm sorry.
Thanks for you're great reveiws,
Keira

rustic_rebel wrote:Omg! I hate my computer, somehow my sister *Mutters about how to kill her* did something and made it auto correct the barely to barley cause she was writing or something like that. She wonders why I never let her touch my stuff. So yes I should have checked but no I really didn't catch that. I shall go kick myself properly now.
And as I have found out comma's are BAD!! I understand, I will do better i'm sorry.
Thanks for you're great reveiws,
Keira

Nononoes! Don't kick yourself over not checking. That's what YWS is here for! We're your personal spell check

Also, commas are not always bad! In fact, I love commas, since I use them so much, and they are my favorite. Haha. I <3 commas.

Lastly, don't apologize. Having a piece of writing that isn't absolutely picture- perfect, oh- my- God- her- grammar- is- amazing, ISN'T a reason to apologize! Just work on it a little and eyeball it a bit before you enter it. No worries. Relax.

~April