Young Writers Society

Raiyne sprinted through the city. Whitewasher towers and high rises loomed over them, blocking the sky. The city had always frightened her with its sameness. Her child clung to her side for dear life. Blaring sirens grew steadily closer and she ran faster. On the horizon she could see the forest. That fact gave her strength and she ran harder.

The voice in her head spoke frantically, "Hurry put her in the forest, they will hurt her if they catch her. Liana will sit in a room and be observed by every scientist and doctor to figure what she is. She is only a child yet." Sobs erupted and Raiyne covered her ears.

Her footsteps pounded on the path now. Dust and dirt flew behind her. The green forest came closer. Hearing the wind sighing through the tree filled her with hope. She was out of the city and the forest was within reach. She whispered soft and reassuring words to Liana, the child on her hip.

"You'll be fine. Just follow your instincts. Your mother will be there to greet you. Promise, promise, you'll stay in the forest. Damasti is full of raving lunatics; they will do anything to get the data on an Elve. Even if it means the murder of a child. I will be there always, in your memories.”

The small toddler looked at her, fully aware of what was going on. She was older than her years, her mind was anyways. Liana's eyes brimmed with tears. They were at the edge of the forest; Raiyne could go no further, not without leaving the life she had never known.

She bounced up and down with the girl on her hip. Liana and Raiyne turned to face the forest together. Her black dress fluttered in the wind. Only the leaves broke the barrier of the two different worlds. Liana was still dressed in her pajamas, in the rush she had forgotten to pack anything for her.

Taking the child off her hip, she set her gently on the ground. Liana stooped over and picked up a leaf and handed it to Raiyne.

“When you see this, think of me. I certainly will never forget you. That leaf will give you luck and hope when there is none close. I love you Raiyne,” said Liana.

Raiyne turned her head and observed everything. She had to occupy her mind before the unshed tears of departure overflowed. This would upset the child even more, maybe to the point she wouldn’t leave. Hopefully the people she was about to meet would understand her like the ones here didn’t.

Raiyne turned the leaf over in her hand. The gold veins stood out from the bright green. Raiyne filed it in her memory. The forest truly was magical. It was the last time Liana would ever see Raiyne, the woman that had been her caretaker since she was born. Her silent guardian and protector.

“Goodbye,” whispered Raiyne softly.

Liana ran into the forest, and Raiyne faced the city, sirens growing ever closer to find someone that no longer existed in the Realm. Raiyne would take the punishment, no matter how dire.

Salve, Kaylyn! Long time no see, ay? Your review coming up! *You see a man dragging a body through the an open door behind me. I smile and close the door*.

1.

"You'll be fine. Just follow your instincts. Your mother will be there to greet you. Promise, promise, you'll stay in the forest. Damasti is full of raving lunatics; they will do anything to get the data on an Elve. Even if it means the murder of a child. I will be there always, in your memories.”

The small toddler looked at her, fully aware of what was going on. She was older than her years, her mind was anyways.

A lot of information for a child, even though you say that she understands. plus I didn't get this sentence :

She was older than her years, her mind was anyways.

o.O

2.

When you see this, think of me. I certainly will never forget you. That leaf will give you luck and hope when there is none close. I love you Raiyne,” said Liana.

Strong words. Almost made me cry (seriously).

Well this chapter is small and stuffed with descriptions which are amazingly done. That`s all that I can say. Hope it helps. Luck!

-Akayl

Hey Kaylyn! Let's see what you've got!

Kaylyn wrote:Raiyne sprinted through the city. Whitewasher towers and high rises loomed over [s]them[/s] her, blocking the sky You've only introduced one character so when you said "them" you threw me off . The city had always frightened her with its sameness Expound on this idea a little bit more . Her child clung to her side [s]for dear life[/s] Cliche, try to find another way to describe it . Blaring sirens grew steadily closer and she ran faster. On the horizon she could see the forest What does it look like? Pull us in with your amazing details! . That fact gave her strength and she ran harder Too much telling, why did it give her strength? And instead, say "The tips of the branches, the definition of sanctuary, called to her, and she bit her lip, pushing her legs faster toward their destination. Blood pumped through her muscles, her lungs aching for air as she raced along" See the difference?

The voice in her head spoke frantically, "Hurry put her in the forest Awkward, reword , they will hurt her if they catch her. Liana will sit in a room and be observed by every scientist and doctor to figure what she is. She is only a child [s]yet[/s]." Sobs erupted From who? Raiyne? Be specifice. and Raiyne covered her ears.

Her footsteps pounded on the path [s]now. D[/s] dust and dirt [s]flew[/s] flying behind her like a cloud of hovering smoke. [s]The green forest came closer[/s]. Hearing the wind sighing through the tree filled her with hope. She was out of the city and the forest was within reach. [s]She whispered soft and reassuring words to Liana, the child on her hip.[/s]
"You'll be fine. Just follow your instincts. Your mother will be there to greet you. Promise, promise, you'll stay in the forest. Damasti is full of raving lunatics; they will do anything to get the data on an Elve. Even if it means the murder of a child. I will be there always, in your memories.”

The small toddler looked at her, fully aware of what was going on. She was older than her years, her mind was anyways Find another way to say that . Liana's eyes brimmed with tears. They were at the edge of the forest; Raiyne could go no further, not without leaving the life she had never known. This sentence made no sense whatsoever to me. Try to rephrase it to make it less awkward
[s]She bounced up and down with the girl on her hip. Liana and Raiyne turned to face the forest together. [/s] Raiyne's black dress fluttered in the wind, the material twisting and turning, pulling her toward sanctuary . Only the leaves broke the barrier of the two different worlds. Again, very confusing. Please tell us exactly why they can't enter the forest/reword this last part because it doesn't make any sense [s]Liana was still dressed in her pajamas, in the rush she had forgotten to pack anything for her. [/s] These details are unneeded
Taking the child off her hip, she Since there are two "shes" please specify which one you are speaking of set her gently on the ground. Liana stooped over and picked up a leaf and handed it to Raiyne.

“When you see this, think of me. I certainly will never forget you. That leaf will give you luck and hope when there is none close. I love you Raiyne,” said Liana. Wow! Why didn't she speak before? This felt as though it came out of nowhere

Raiyne turned her head and observed everything "everything" is a very vague word. Show us what she is observing . She had to occupy her mind before the unshed tears of departure overflowed. This would upset the child even more, maybe to the point she wouldn’t leave. Hopefully the people she was about to meet would understand her in a way that [s]like[/s] the other people [s]here[/s] didn’t.

Raiyne turned the leaf over in her hand. The gold veins stood out from the bright green. Raiyne filed it in her memory. The forest truly was magical. It was the last time Liana would ever see Raiyne, the woman that had been her caretaker since she was born. Her silent guardian and protector.

“Goodbye,” whispered Raiyne softly.

Liana ran into the forest, and Raiyne faced the city, sirens growing ever closer to find someone that no longer existed in the Realm. Raiyne would take the punishment, no matter how dire.

Wow! Very interesting piece! And very promising!

Overall:

The Good: As usual, when you do describe things, your prose is beautiful, however, I think you didn't describe as much as you should have!

Stuff You Should Work on:

This Story is about...?: Okay, so when writing you should always ask yourself "What is this story about?" What is the internal conflict, external conflict, is there a conflict at all? When I was reading the story, I realized I really couldn't pinpoint what the conflict is. All the readers see is that a woman is taking a child to the woods to protect her from people that will do bad things to her. Show us more of a conflict in Raiyne. Show us more of how much she is attached to this child. Does she hesitate before letting her go? I also think this is a problem because of the length. You need to add more context for us because I got a little lost. Suspense is good, but I'd rather be shown exactly why Raiyne has to flee with this child on this specific night. Is she threaten? Is she forced to make a choice? Answering these questions will make the piece much more nuanced and interesting.

Sir, Can I Have Some More?: Like I say in the paragraph above, we need more of exposition, context, more of the beginning. Give us more of a reason to care, because right now, I don't feel the attachment between the two characters. I also am having trouble really getting my head around the amount of danger they are in. Give us more to go off of so I can truly understand why you are telling us this story, why we should hear about this heartwrenching separation.

The Three Ds: Description, Dialogue, and Detail. I think I might have mentioned this in your other piece I critiqued. I want more of each. You just didn't have enough in the piece to give me a good picture of your world and everything in it. I also want to know more about your main characaters. Right now, they feel a bit flat. Make them 3D, make them interest, make them stand out. It again begs the questions, "Why should we care?" Make us care by creating awesome characters.

Great job! PM me if you have any questions!

oklay, i'm going to do my nit picky copy editor act (sorry bout it)

The city had always frightened her with its sameness.

first off don't use sameness. it just sounds wrong. use something like uniformity. second what about that uniformity is frightening. expand.

That fact gave her strength and she ran harder.

okay don't say fact. we got that it the forest is a fact when you told us it was there.

The voice in her head spoke frantically,

don't use frantically. try not to use adverbs in general, please
besides if you say hurry after that it simply becomes redundant. it is also redundant when we find out she is running from sirens. running and sirens implies a frantic convict tone upon it.

Liana will sit in a room and be observed by every scientist and doctor to figure what she is. She is only a child yet.

figure out first off. secondly remove the yet. it makes no sense.

Sobs erupted and Raiyne covered her ears.

sobs erupted from who?

The small toddler looked at her, fully aware of what was going on.

eliminate fully. it is irrelevant. if you just say aware the reader will assume that she knows exactly what is happening. you create a different scenario with different words for when she isn't

She was older than her years, her mind was anyways.

there really has to be something wrong ideologically or grammatically with that sentence.

not without leaving the life she had never known.

how can you leave a life you've never known. and if you do, since you don't know it, what is the emotional attachment?

okay tht was actually pretty good. i usually have a lot more problems with pieces. i like the suspense you leave us in by not telling us what exactly Liana is. but the whole child talking eloquently seemed a little weird. and the long parting being followed by the police (or whatever was blaring those sirens) didn't seem to fit the rushed mood of the piece. 8/10 in my book.

(Hey there Kaylyn! June here! I'm going to review this for you . I hope I'm not too harsh on you . )

Kaylyn wrote:Raiyne sprinted through the city. Whitewasher towers and high rises loomed over them, blocking the sky. The city had always frightened her with its sameness. Her child clung to her side for dear life. Blaring sirens grew steadily closer and she ran faster. On the horizon she could see the forest. That fact gave her strength and she ran harder.

(Second sentence: Did you mean "whitewasher" or "whitewashed?" That part confused me a bit.

So! Raiyne is sprinting through the city, right? Then why are towers and highrise buildings looming over them? You should tell us here in the opening paragraph who the "them" is, before you tell us that tall stuff is looming over them. You can also combine your sentences here! It almost sounds like the narrator is talking in fragments .)

The voice in her head spoke frantically, "Hurry put her in the forest, they will hurt her if they catch her. Liana will sit in a room and be observed by every scientist and doctor to figure what she is. She is only a child yet." Sobs erupted and Raiyne covered her ears.

Ooh, I think you should reverse the order in the first line here; have the voice speak first before you tell us it's in her head. Who do the sobs erupt from? Okay, so here's where things get a bit confusing for the reader. If Raiyne is holding the child that's clinging to her side, then how can she cover both ears? Also! If, the voice is IN her head, then what is covering her ears going to do? Maybe she should shake her head to free herself from the thoughts instead?

Her footsteps pounded on the path now. Dust and dirt flew behind her. The green forest came closer. Hearing the wind sighing through the tree filled her with hope. She was out of the city and the forest was within reach. She whispered soft and reassuring words to Liana, the child on her hip.

Kay, you need to vary your sentence length girl. Throw some compound sentences here. Only certain types of stories can be written in simple sentence form, and this is the the type that calls for yummy compound sentences. Throw some in there, girl; it would work well!

"You'll be fine. Just follow your instincts. Your mother will be there to greet you. Promise, promise, you'll stay in the forest. Damasti is full of raving lunatics; they will do anything to get the data on an Elve. Even if it means the murder of a child. I will be there always, in your memories.”

From the next paragraph, we see that Liana is mentally older than her years, BUT! I still think that this should be written as a mother would talk to her toddler, you know? This kind of sounds like it's catered towards someone older.

The small toddler looked at her, fully aware of what was going on. She was older than her years, her mind was anyways. Liana's eyes brimmed with tears. They were at the edge of the forest; Raiyne could go no further, not without leaving the life she had never known.

Hmph. Dear, this second sentence isn't worded well. Let's try to reconstruct like this;


"Her mind was more advanced than her -insert age here- years"

She bounced up and down with the girl on her hip. Liana and Raiyne turned to face the forest together. Her black dress fluttered in the wind. Only the leaves broke the barrier of the two different worlds. Liana was still dressed in her pajamas, in the rush she had forgotten to pack anything for her.

Why does she need to bounce? It kind of sounds like she is bouncing happily here, haha, and we know that this obviously isn't an easy or joyful occasion . It sounds like Liana is the one who forgot to pack something, but logically Raiyne was supposed to, right?

Taking the child off her hip, she set her gently on the ground. Liana stooped over and picked up a leaf and handed it to Raiyne.

“When you see this, think of me. I certainly will never forget you. That leaf will give you luck and hope when there is none close. I love you Raiyne,” said Liana.

Hold up. Isn't Liana a toddler?! This sounds like a wise old wizard saying this-- no offense. Just make it sound more childish and innocent.

Raiyne turned her head and observed everything. She had to occupy her mind before the unshed tears of departure overflowed. This would upset the child even more, maybe to the point she wouldn’t leave. Hopefully the people she was about to meet would understand her like the ones here didn’t.

Maybe to the point who wouldn't leave?

Raiyne turned the leaf over in her hand. The gold veins stood out from the bright green. Raiyne filed it in her memory. The forest truly was magical. It was the last time Liana would ever see Raiyne, the woman that had been her caretaker since she was born. Her silent guardian and protector.

“Goodbye,” whispered Raiyne softly.

Take the last sentence out, Kay, and blend it into the sentence before it.

Liana ran into the forest, and Raiyne faced the city, sirens growing ever closer to find someone that no longer existed in the Realm. Raiyne would take the punishment, no matter how dire.

Hmm... okay, so, this last line confused me. I had to read it twice to figure it out .

First I thought it was a fragment, and that you forgot to finish the sentence. Reading it over, I see that Raiyne would take the punishment no matter how dire it was.

I think, that instead of no matter how dire, you should say something like Raiyne wouldd be blamed and punished no matter how she tried to avoid it, but she would endure it no matter what.

On the whole, it holds potential. It was semi-difficult to read this with the sentences being so difficult. It's great to vary the lengths so that your point is not ended by a period and prepares the readers mind for something completely fresh... if that makes any sense?

Anyway! It was good! I normally don't read fantasy fiction and whatnot, but this was good. Keep writing!

Remember to pay attention to:

Sentence Length: Vary the length of your sentences; compound sentences would be useful here. The point of them is so that the reader doesn't cut off the thought train from the previous sentence and prepare their mind for an entirely new idea.

Clarity: It was hard to tell whose actions were whose. I was confused with the scenario at first, so in the future, remember to pay attention to the points of clarity


Keep it up. Good job Kay!

xxJune

Thank you all for taking your time to post these awesome reviews. They will really help my story out. I'll get to editing it soon. To tired and my mind can't grasp it tonight. But again, thanks. Its nice to see what everyone thinks needs to be improved upon, and I agree.