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alphabetical gaze

by whatchamacallit


my eyes are like an alphabet:
composed of imperfect ch4r4ct3r5,
each representing an infinite number of
subtly varying meanings.

i try to write a plea in my cornea,
hoping someone will read it, but
flawed symbols scramble the message.

letters swirl together, attempting to
string together a connected thought but only
smudging into tpyos adn contradictions.

two dark pupils gaze at the world,
filled with the intensity of a hidden meaning,
like a spiral of confusing vowels
that unravel into a scream.

irises swimming with 's's and 'a's and 'd's
hide a tangle of grey thoughts -
but eventually, the 's's transform
into 'g's and 'l's, letters that trace a
golden ring around my pupils.

there isn't a word for every feeling
nor a letter for every sound but
i guess there's a feeling for every feeling
and maybe that's enough?


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26 Reviews


Points: 30
Reviews: 26

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Fri Jul 31, 2020 10:22 am
Tanishka wrote a review...



Hi!!

This is really a very good poem. The format or layout is very interesting. I love the way you have used the theme of alphabets to describe the eyes.
The last stanza really hits hard and it is my favorite part of the poem.

I think that you could start the poem with the second stanza , something like this
"My eyes are like an alphabet
I try to write a plea in my cornea...
And then the first paragraph. I think it will make the poem more attractive but it is up to you. The way you describe how eyes speak is really deep. This a very beautiful and meaningful work. I hope you post more like these.

Keep writing :)
Tanisha.




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858 Reviews


Points: 29821
Reviews: 858

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Tue Jul 28, 2020 6:23 pm
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Morrigan wrote a review...



Hey there, whatchamacallit, Morri here to review your poem!

This is a funky poem. I dig what you're trying to do here. It's an interesting comparison to make.

The biggest thing about this poem that I noticed is that there's a lot of unneeded stuff going on in it. I'm just going to start at the beginning, and we'll go from there.

composed of imperfect ch4r4ct3r5,

Am I missing a reference? This line confuses me.

each representing an infinite number of
subtly varying meanings.

I'm honestly not a fan of how this starts out the poem. It feels cold and clinical, dictionary prescriptionist, telling the audience what the alphabet is. Your poem is about feelings, and these are just words that tell the audience how to interpret a metaphor right at the beginning of the poem.

Honestly, I would say keep the first line of the first stanza and smash it on the beginning of the second. Then you'd have
my eyes are like an alphabet:
i try to write a plea in my cornea,
hoping someone will read it, but
flawed symbols scramble the message.

That means that in the very first stanza, we're arriving at the meat of the poem. There's no setup needed. Either the audience will go with it, or they won't. The first stanza kind of turned me off, and I was willing to go with it.

filled with the intensity of a hidden meaning,

I feel like you're spelling it out (ha) for the reader a little too much here. We know that your eyes are trying to communicate. It's what the whole poem is about. I'm not sure what to replace it with, but this line doesn't work here.

that unravel to form a scream

While I understand what you're trying to say here, the words "unravel" and "form" are at odds with each other. I think a more brief "that unravel into a scream" would be less contradictory here.

irises swimming with 's's and 'a's and 'd's
hide a tangle of grey thoughts -
but eventually, the 's's transform
into 'g's and 'l's, letters that trace a
golden ring around my pupils.

This is cute, but also it took me a much longer time to understand than I would prefer. It's unclear at first read. I am also not sure how to make it more clear! Just thought I would let you know that the first read through was confusing in an otherwise straightforward poem.

and maybe that's enough?

Is it? Tell me! Don't be unsure of yourself! That's what the ending of this poem feels like.

In terms of imagery, I think it's effective enough, but I wanted a little more description to make it more chaotic. The narrator seems like they're in turmoil, so give us a little chaos. Instead of letters swirling together, maybe they're in a MOSH PIT! Or maybe they're in a pathetic jumble, like someone overturned a typeset drawer. also, what fonts are these letters? Is Comic Sans crying in the retina? Is Arial Bold sneaking out in tears?

I hope that this review proves useful to you! I enjoy the concept, and I think that this has the potential to be a really fun, witty poem. Let me know if you have any questions! Happy poeting!




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181 Reviews


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Reviews: 181

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Mon Jul 27, 2020 8:36 pm
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starlitmind says...



I love this poem of yours! <3






Thanks Starlit! <3




It's easier to come up with new stories than it is to finish the ones you already have. I think every author would feel that way.
— Stephanie Meyer