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Politics

by whatchamacallit


Maybe the problem with politics
is us thinking we know more than we do -
like a spy right before she falls into a trap.
Perhaps we should consider that they might be right,
and we might just be wrong.

Running a country
might be more successful
if we realized that the leader
cannot satisfy us all.
With everybody different,
which is what makes the world go round,
it's most definitely impossible to do
everything everyone says.

We should be more open to suggestion,
ready to listen to the enemy's argument.
We should remember nobody's perfect,
that when we judge people for judging
we're being hypocrites.

It may be that there's no right and wrong in the world, just opinions.
Mommy and Daddy might be misleading
about the politics they chat about around the dinner table,
or when they're arguing with their friends after dessert. 

Don't take gossip seriously
when casting your votes,
and please don't get riled up by your opponent -
you will say ignorant things.

Maybe the problem with politics
is us thinking we know more than we do -
like a fly right before it lands on a sneaky spider's web.
Perhaps I should consider that you might be right
and I am quite probably wrong.


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Sat Nov 25, 2017 5:30 pm
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Begstita1 wrote a review...



As a student of Politics, I salute your ability to captured (in lucid way) the meaning, nature, as well as the "prerequisites" of politics. Each stanza portrays a fundamental theme of contemporary politics. The elements of political development as identified by Aristotle, Plato, John Locke and even J.J Rousseau are brought to fore. I therefore recommend this poem to electorates, leaders and nongovernmental organizations to submit to the collective task of government.






Thanks!
PS seeing as you're relatively new, welcome! If you have any questions, feel free to ask :D



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Mon Aug 14, 2017 12:29 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hi PearlC! Sorry that it took me so long to get to reviewing this. Anyways, here are my thoughts:

Overall Impressions / Humor
I applaud you for taking up this topic at a time in the political climate where (no matter where you fall on the ideological spectrum) it seems risky to voice opinions. I interpreted your poem to be saying, we need to look at different sides of issues, from what we believe and what we've been taught. The truth might not always be obvious.

I thought at moments in your poem I wasn't sure if you were being satirical or trying to say the opposite of what you mean. For instance, you contradict yourself twice in the poem -- and I'm not sure entirely whether this is intentional or not. First contradiction is in the bookends -- the narrator changes from being part of the people they are addressing (the "we") but in the end they seem to be against them (you vs. I). Secondly, in the 4th stanza the speaker says, there's maybe no such thing as right or wrong, but then they say that parents might be "wrong".

If these contradictions are purposefully done for humorous effect, I think you could try making that a bit more obvious. Even the disclaimer is a bit unclear at the top -- what exactly is the reader not supposed to take seriously? Everything? Or just the middle part?
This poem covers a lot of political ground, and it might be more effective to try to cover one aspect of politics rather than everything all at once. So that readers can better keep track of the speaker's views.

Again I did really enjoy the political edge of this theme, and the encouragement for cooperation across lines of difference.

Flow
I think one of the things that stood out as something you could work on is flow in this piece. When people criticize flow I often wonder, what in the world they're talking about, so I'll clarify here, that by "flow" I mean how easily and smoothly the poem can be read, what makes the poem sound melodic rather than jolting when reading out-loud. There are two concrete things that can improve the flow in this piece.

1. Consistency in Line Length
One thing that hurts flow is line length variance being really extreme. Because line breaks tell us when to place pauses, and restart the rhythm of the line, line breaks and line length are really instrumental in helping or hurting the flow of the poem. While generally, I did think that you did pretty good finding spots at the end of phrases to help out the flow, there were some lines that became really long.

The first line of the first and last stanza: "Maybe the problem with politics is us thinking we know more than we do" is super long compared to the lines following. I would suggest breaking the line in half (maybe after "politics) or condensing the line. It could be condensed to: "The politics-problem is we think we know all" without losing much of it's meaning (that might still be a bit long though.

This line also got quite long: "that when we judge people for judging we're being hypocrites."
as well as a few lines in stanza 4.

2. Avoiding Misplaced Repetition
Another problem to look for when trying to improve flow is avoiding misplaced repetition. Sometimes repetition helps bring in a meaning or creates emphasis by bringing a reader's attention to a word. If the word doesn't need to be emphasized though, sometimes repetition of a single word (or a certain sentence structure) just hurts the flow of a piece.
This especially happens when the repeated word comes at different points in a line. For example these lines the flow is fine because the repeated word comes at the same point:
"I love potatos
I said potatos"
In contrast, these lines flow poorly: because the repetition comes at different points in the line.
"I love potatoes
the potatoes said to me"

I hope that made sense. Here are some examples from your poem:

In these two lines:

if we all realized that the leader
cannot satisfy us all.

The repetition of "all" at different points in the line, sacrifices some of the flow of this section. I would suggest simply deleting the first "all", and you'll have fixed the issue.

Here we have a similar issue:
"everything everyone says."

having the repetition of "every-" becomes a bit bulky, especially standing out in a short (3 word) line. If you could find a synonym for one of these words I think the line would read more easily.

Final Thoughts
I really liked that your last stanza repeated but then twisted some of the information from the very first stanza. I think that this is a really strong move, because it makes the reader question how the second repetition is different from the first, and what they've learned through the poem. Those last two lines are also some of the strongest in the piece I think. The turn of phrase there, shows a bit of satire possibly (we shouldn't really doubt every thought we have, but we should consider both sides of the issue.)

I liked that you changed the metaphor up a bit too -- starting up with a spy, and ending with a fly. I think that the second metaphor could be a bit more poignant with a unique detail added to avoid letting the metaphor be "cliche". Could you describe the web, or spider, or fly and give some adjective to elevate the metaphor and make it unique? This would give it more of an emotional punch. Overall, the bookends (beginning & ending) were really strong moments of this poem!

Nice job on this piece Pearl! Please let me know if you have any questions of comments about my review.

Best,
~alliyah






Thanks a lot for the review! It was really helpful!



alliyah says...


No problem! Glad to help. :)



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Tue Jul 04, 2017 6:37 pm
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midnightdreary wrote a review...



Hi! I think this poem is exactly what people need to hear when they talk about politics. I personally hate talking politics and you explained exactly the reason why I hate it.
Alright, let's get into the review!

So the first thing is "the running of a country", is in passive voice. It's not really a huge deal here, but in this it places more emphasis on the country than the actual running. It removes the verb from its "doer". (I'm doing such a bad job of explaining this). If you'd like, I can send an article that explains passive voice way better than I am.) I promise I'm not trying to link you to an ad or anything.)

Next thing is "it's impossible to/ do everything" seems a bit choppy. If you put the "do" in the line above, it'd make the words flow s but more.
This always happens in "mom Liu and daddy aren't always right/ about the politics".

Next, "Possibly, mommy and daddy aren't always right". I have a few things about this line. First is if you use possibly, try putting it somewhere in the middle of the line rather at the beginning. Second, try speaking in the positive. Positive would be something like "mommy and daddy might be wrong". Positive voice gives much more of an impact. Think about the "might not be roghtL vs. "they might be wrong". I think the second is much more impactful. This poem has a powerful message, but right now, your line sounds unsure of itself.

Another thing in that area is the "loud and boisterous". It seems kind of awkward in this poem, since you're usually talking in full sentences, but that part is just part of a sentence.

This is just a grammar thing. You say, "when we judge people for judging we're being a hypocrite". You should say, "wer'e being hypocrites".

Then there's "you will say dumb things". "Dumb" is a pretty weak adjective. Try using something else. Also, the line seems to short and breaks the flow a little bit.

Last thing is "like a fly right before it flies into a spiders web." Try using a different verb instead of flies. (Fly flies is a little strange sounding).

I hope this was helpful!






Could you send the article link? Thanks! I changed everything else.





https://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/10/22/o ... story.html

It's a bit long but totally worth the read.





Thanks!



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Tue Jul 04, 2017 1:53 pm
gxldencrxwns wrote a review...



Hello, hello, gxldencrxwns here for a review. You reviewed one of my works, so I decided to hop on over here!

As far as length goes it's pretty normal. It isn't too short to make it boring and it isn't too long to make the reader get bord with reading it. I like those kind of poems.

I normally don't poke my nose into stuff like politics but it's worth a shot, right? This poem definitely has some lines that everyone needs to know and remember, such as:

It may be that there's no right and wrong in the world, just opinions.

As well as:

We should be more open to suggestion.

It's finally nice to see someone that is willing to hear both sides of the argument in things. It shows that the president can't please everyone, and more meaningful thoughts some people just can't get to their heads.

I didn't find anything spelling, grammar, or punctuation wise, so good job on that part! I don't have much else to say, so, goodbye and stellar job!

~gxldencrxwns






Thanks gxldencrxwns!
I'm glad you like it!




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