Young Writers Society

Hey there! I saw this piece in the literary section, and I'd love to check it out. It sounds like it's going to be sad, and I love reading sad things aha xD

Light. That was the first thing she remembered about her brother: light. The sun beamed down on the meadow, but his grin very nearly outshone it.

He had smiling cheeks and kind eyes that crinkled into crow’s feet from laughing too much.

Wind blows, and its seeds are whisked away into the dim sky above.

The trees that loom above her head now are twisted and grey.

Carnival lights lit up the night, and jaunty music echoed in her ears.

A new carnival is in town, and laughter echoes from its walls.

far-off funnel cakes

The line flattened, and the sound of his breathing was replaced with a loud, steady beep.

Eyes open to glimpse a smile, soft and comforting, before dandelion seeds brush past and drift away in the wind.

This is so beautifully written! You do really well with imagery and especially connecting it to emotions. I really feel the conflicting emotions, grief and relief as she reminisces on her brother. Masterfully done!

By the first sentence, I was already hooked. The way you showed imagery throughout the story was great.

The paragraph on the death I really liked. You got straight to the point, didn't drag it out too long. The last sentence was very well-written, " The line flattened, and the sound of his breathing was replaced with a loud, steady beep".

Keep up the great work!

Signed,

Pineapple

By the first sentence, I was already hooked. The way you showed imagery throughout the story was great.

The paragraph on the death I really liked. You got straight to the point, didn't drag it out too long. The last sentence was very well-written, " The line flattened, and the sound of his breathing was replaced with a loud, steady beep".

Keep up the great work!

Signed,

Pineapple

This is great! I'd review it but I just finished a big ol' analysis essay for school and my brain is tired so... I like it! It's great! Yeah!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this was a really nice story to read. I mean its sad but odly satisfying in a way. It really is a pretty darn well written story you've got here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Light. That was the first thing she remembered about her brother: light. The sun beamed down on the meadow, but his grin very nearly outshone it. He had smiling cheeks and kind eyes that crinkled into crow’s feet from laughing too much. The breeze caught his chocolate hair in its wake and ran its hand through the waves as he pursed his lips and blew away the fluff from a dandelion in his hand. “Make a wish,” he’d said, and her eyes lit up as she watched the seeds dance away in the wind.

I wish this day could last forever, she’d thought, too young and naive to know this wasn’t possible.

A dandelion blooms from a crack in the faded sidewalk. Wind blows, and its seeds are whisked away into the dim sky above. The heavens are overcast. The trees that loom above her head now are twisted and grey. It’s been a year since he’d gone, and in her heart where he’d resided is an ache.

“Don’t worry,” he’d said, and he held her hand. “We’re just as safe now as we were on the ground.” Carnival lights lit up the night, and jaunty music echoed in her ears. Smells clashed, that of popcorn and candy apples and fuel. The two gripped a bar in front of them, fingers still sticky from the candy floss. The seat jolted, and they rose. A gentler smile caught her eye, and he squeezed her hand as her feet left the ground. Her breath caught in her throat, but as the world fell away beneath her feet, all she could do was laugh. It had felt like she was flying.

She’d felt at peace, and she’d wished this moment could last forever.

Distant music rings in her ears. A new carnival is in town, and laughter echoes from its walls. She grips a bouquet in her hand. The smell that fills her nose now is that of dew and far-off funnel cakes. Her feet tread uneasily on the grass.

Tubes stretched around the room, around his frail and deathly form. He shot her a comforting smile, but it was distorted by the mask over his mouth. The amplified sound of his breathing filled her ears before fading, slowly, gently. He squeezed her hand before growing slack. The line flattened, and the sound of his breathing was replaced with a loud, steady beep.

The air is crisp and cold as she kneels in front of the tombstone and sets down a bouquet of wildflowers. The sound of rushing wind is overwhelming, the sight of any colour marching through her crowded mind. A tear drips down her nose, but―she feels a hand on hers. Eyes open to glimpse a smile, soft and comforting, before dandelion seeds brush past and drift away in the wind.

Hey waywardxwallflower!

My name is Elinor, and I thought that I would drop by to give your short story a quick review. I really enjoyed reading this, and think that you certainly have a gift for description. I definitely felt I was right there with the protagonist and her brother.

My main comment with this piece is that I feel like you could do more with it. This sort of story has been told a lot, so what you need to do to make this stand out is to make it your own. I didn't get much of the sense of that here. It's nothing that can't be addressed in revisions, but I wanted to know more about who these characters are. How did the brother die? That isn't entirely clear, and when they're so young, it's something the reader is going to wonder. Also, I read the scene at the carnival a few times and I'm not entirely sure what happened.

I also wanted to know the narrator's name, the brother's name, how old they are, anything that will help me feel their connection more.

Anyway, that's all I have for now. I hope this helps!

Keep writing,

Elinor